Shattered Soul

by Jennifer Snyder

  “Ali’s in her room…actually, she’s been in her room for the last few days. You guys get into your first argument or something?” she asked, pursing her lips together tightly and folding her arms.

  “Something like that,” I said, unable to meet her eyes.

  “Go on up and talk things out. Maybe you can get her to at least come out of her room to eat something,” she said, motioning towards the stairs.

  I nodded and started up them, feeling guilty I hadn’t come over sooner. Ali must be really upset.

  “Oh, and remember…door open…” she reminded me from the bottom step.

  I gave her a crooked grin. “I remember.”

  I stood in front of Ali’s closed bedroom door wondering what to say now that I knew she was so upset. Obviously, she’d regretted doing the line and I needed to say something to smooth this over.

  I rapped on her door twice.

  “Go away…not hungry, mom!” Ali shouted.

  “It’s me, actually,” I said, opening the door slowly.

  I stepped in. Ali was sitting on the floor with her back leaned up against her bed, a spiral notebook rested in her lap and she held a blue pen in her hand. Various sketches of butterflies and fairies sitting on mushrooms littered the hardwood floor around her.

  Needles of shock stabbed through me at the sight of her, crippling me where I stood for a long moment.

  “What are you doing here?” she demanded, instantly going back to the drawing in her lap.

  I swung the door closed part way, being sure to leave it cracked slightly, and leaned against her wall beside it for support. This was the last thing I had expected to see and my heart raced in my chest, while my stomach churned. Ali was still tweaking.

  This had been why she wouldn’t come out of her room, why her mom couldn’t get her to eat, and why she hadn’t come to see me. Not because she was upset with me, and not because she felt guilty or even the slightest bit remorseful.

  It was simply because she was still high.

  I watched her repeatedly trace over the same spot on her piece of paper. My eyes skimmed over her, taking in how awful she looked. Her hair fell loosely past her shoulders in a tangled mess, her skin was pale and pasty looking, her eyeliner had smudged and I couldn’t tell where her make-up ended and dark circles from lack of sleep began. She’d chewed her bottom lip so much it had cracked and was crusted in blood.

  My mind struggled to form a coherent sentence, but came up with nothing. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I felt like I’d been sucked into my own worst nightmare.

  “Oh shit!” She jumped as though something had just come at her from the side, chuckled, and went back to her drawing.

  I didn’t ask what she thought she’d seen, because I already knew. Ali had been up for so long, she was beginning to see shadow people. I ran my fingers through my hair, swallowed hard, and stepped to her side.

  A thought came to me so suddenly it felt like lightning striking my brain. Calvin must have slipped her some when I went to the car the other night! It was the only way she could have gotten any. Rage blistered my insides.

  “Did Calvin give you some for yourself the other night?” I asked, desperately trying not to shout, afraid her mother might hear and come to see what was going on.

  Ali didn’t answer, she didn’t act like she’d even heard me.

  “Ali!” I snapped at her.

  She continued drawing, ignoring me. I bent down and gripped her hand, putting my face at her level. “Did Calvin give you some for yourself the other night?” I repeated.

  She glanced at me with a blank expression. Only a sliver of blue rimmed her pupils now, they were so dilated. The edges of my heart tore as I stared into her dark eyes. I felt responsible for this. No matter who she’d gotten this batch from, Ali never would have touched it if I hadn’t told her it was ok.

  “Yeah, he did. So what?” She jerked her hand from my grasp and tossed her notebook and pen on the floor.

  “Is it gone?” I asked.

  She stood and paranoia seeped into her features. “Why?”

  “Because you don’t need any more,” I muttered, my eyes already scanning her room for any place she might have stashed it.

  My heart slammed against my ribcage and my mind reeled so fast my head felt like it might explode. I was angry and pissed and scared all at the same time. What if her parents realized she was fucked up on something? What would they do to her? What would her dad do to me?

  “Don’t tell me what I need!” she muttered. “What are you looking for?” Panic leaked into her voice.

  “You don’t need any more, Ali; what you need is some sleep,” I insisted, opening every drawer in sight.

  I caught her gaze for a split second, it fell to the floor where she’d been sitting in front of her bed when I had first came in. I walked over and dropped to my knees at her bedside. I reached under and pulled out a small mirror with a paper weight, her license, a cut straw, and a baggie with one tiny shard left inside.

  “That's mine, I need that! What are you doing?” She lunged at me, reaching to grab it.

  I stiff-armed her to hold her back while I shoved it all into my pocket as fast as I could.

  “I need it, Seth, I need it,” she whined.

  “No, you don’t. You need sleep,” I told her again as I stood.

  Ali slumped to her knees in front of me, her eyes pooling with tears. “Seth, don’t,” she whispered. “Don’t take it.”

  My heart broke. Was she really that far gone already? Had I been that blind to it all? I'd heard of kids getting hooked on the shit after their first time, hell, look at Kerri, but I'd always assumed Ali was stronger than that. I had been wrong.

  I dropped to one knee in front of her, gripped her by the arms gently, and kissed her on the forehead. “You’ll thank me in a few days. You don’t need this anymore, Ali. It’s never too late for you to quit,” I promised.

  My last words repeated in my mind. I didn’t know who I’d said them for, myself or Ali. Either way, this was it. This was the last time I ever wanted to see this shit again.

  I walked out of her room, being sure to close the door firmly behind me, and started down the steps at a quick pace. I let my anger swallow me. Calvin, withering in pain, was the only image flashing through my mind as I left her house and headed for home.

  My mind raced at a pace far faster than my feet were carrying me on my jog home. Adrenaline pumped through me, fueling my rage like wind to an open fire. I didn’t know what I would do the moment I saw Calvin’s face, but I knew what I wanted to do; I wanted to bloody his fucking nose.

  By the time I finally made it to my house, sweat poured off of me in a steady stream and the first thing I noticed was Kerri’s car still parked in the driveway.

  I stomped up the steps, jerked the front door open, and zeroed in on Calvin. He was sitting on the couch, sipping a glass of water, but he stood and puffed up the moment he saw my face. I was across the room and inches from him in a second. I pulled everything I’d taken from Ali out of my pocket and threw it in his face.

  “What the fuck is your problem?” he demanded.

  “You!” I shouted, lost in my anger. “You’re my fucking problem!”

  The look of complete shock that crossed Calvin's face for just a split second was priceless. Never in my life had I ever spoken to him this way and to say it felt amazing was an understatement.

  Calvin's lips twisted into a smirk. “Oh I get it, you pissed your little girlfriend asked me for something? Or is it because you know she’ll be back?”

  I snapped. “You stay the hell away from her!” I put my hands on him and shoved as hard as I could.

  Calvin hardly moved.

  Anger flared deep within his eyes, fear uncoiled in my gut and spread through me quickly. I’d gone too far. This would be it, this would be the time Calvin would probably beat me within an inch of my life.

  His fist came flying at my face so fast I didn’t have time to
brace myself for it. It was a powerful punch, one that rocked me backwards, sending the backs of my knees banging into the coffee table hard, knocking me on top of it.

  Calvin gave me no time to recover. He was on me, squishing me between the coffee table and his weight, throwing punch after punch to the side of my face. The metallic taste of blood exploded in my mouth as I felt my head bounce off the table after each blow, only to come up and meet his fist again. I threw my arms up just as the table beneath me buckled.

  “Enough!” Brent yelled, and I saw glimpses of him grappling with Calvin.

  I could hear Jade and Kerri screaming. I could hear Calvin struggling to break free because he wasn’t finished with me yet, and I could hear Brent huffing and puffing, struggling to contain him.

  I choked on my own blood, coughed and cracked a smile. I don’t know why, but in that moment, all I could think about was how pissed mom was going to be with Calvin when she saw he’d broken her table.

  Dark spots blotted out my vision and the noises surrounding me became distorted. I took in a shuddering breath, just as my eyes clouded over completely and I fell into darkness.

  Chapter Sixteen

  When I came to, I was lying in my own bed. I rolled over and winced from pain as I struggled through blurry eyes to see the time. It was 12:45 A.M. I fell back against my pillow. The side of my face throbbed and the coppery aftertaste of blood filled my mouth.

  I laid across my pillow and thought of Ali and how she’d looked when I’d left her. Her tear-stained cheeks, dark circles, and her black, lifeless eyes. I thought of Calvin and how pissed I still was at him for giving her some behind my back.

  My anger continued to rise up, lapping away at my insides like a rising tide, until I remembered the moment of unbelieving shock that had crossed Calvin’s face once I’d told him he was my problem. I chuckled for a long time while I burned that image into my mind forever.

  Once I pulled myself from bed, I got dressed and headed to the place I always went to after I’d gotten my ass beat by Calvin. I went to Trip’s house.

  It was cool and dark outside and I felt like I blended in with the shadows, hidden from anyone’s eyes, so I walked slowly.

  When I made it to Trip's place, it was close to 2:30 in the morning. I knew he wouldn’t be awake, so I walked around to his bedroom window. It was already open, the only stroke of good luck I’d had in a while; all I had to do was pop the screen out and hoist myself up.

  I landed inside with a soft thud, barely loud enough to stir Trip in his sleep. I stepped to his bedside and gently shook him until he woke.

  “Hey, man, it’s me. I’m gonna’ crash here tonight,” I whispered.

  “Seth?” he asked in a groggy tone. He reached for the lamp on his nightstand and flicked it on.

  “Yeah,” I answered, as the dim glow from the lamp lit the room around us.

  “What time is it?” he wondered, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

  “Around 2:30.”

  “2:30? What the hell, man?” he asked, annoyed, until he saw my face. “Oh shit, again?” Trip sat up in bed, concern for me crossing his face. “What for this time?”

  “Because I got in his face,” I admitted.

  A smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “You did what?” he asked, sounding wide awake now.

  I sat on the edge of his bed. “First I got in his face…then, I shoved him.”

  “Oh, man! What on earth possessed you to do that?” he probed, excitement flashing in his eyes. “I mean, this is Calvin we’re talking about! No offense, dude, but he made the side of your face look lumpier than my mom’s mashed potatoes and this isn’t the first time! Are you crazy? What could have been worth that?”

  I tilted my head back and stared up at the white popcorn ceiling. “Ali,” I answered simply.

  “Ali? What happened?”

  I closed my eyes. “I messed up, I messed up big time.”

  “Dude, what happened?”

  “I let her try it with me,” I said, my eyes still closed.

  “Try what?” he asked. From the tone of his voice he knew exactly what I was talking about, but asked anyway.

  I opened my eyes and shifted my gaze to his. “Meth.”

  Trip’s face grew serious. “No. Seth, no! I thought you were done with that shit!” he frowned.

  “I am now. I can promise you that,” I assured him.

  “And what about Ali?”

  “I think I got her hooked, man.” My voice shook as I spoke. “All it took for her was one time, man, one taste and she was hooked.”

  “It’s not your fault, don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t actually force her to do it, she chose to,” Trip reminded me, trying hard to comfort me despite the betrayal that echoed in his words and burned in his eyes.

  “Maybe, but I was the one who let her try it the first time and then a second and third.” I ran my fingers through my hair, fighting back tears. “Dude, what the hell have I done?”

  “Nothing, you haven’t done anything,” Trip said.

  “Then why do I feel like I have?” I asked, unable to look at him. He didn’t answer, so I continued on. “Last week she started asking me if Calvin had any. Do you remember before the fireworks the other night, how she’d said we needed to make a pit stop at my house?”

  “Yeah, so she could pee.”

  “Yeah, well, she did, but she also did a line with Calvin and the others even after I’d turned it down. She just straight up told me she was going to do one and then we could go!” Remembered anger trickled through my veins.

  Trip sighed. “Unbelievable.”

  My eyes dropped to the floor. “Trust me, I know. I was so pissed at Calvin, at her, I went to the car.”

  “So, that’s why there was so much tension between you two!” Trip said, putting two and two together.

  “Yeah,” I scoffed. “Calvin ended up slipping her some for herself after I stormed out. But, Ali didn’t tell me that. I found out today, when I walked to her house to apologize for how I’d acted and saw that she was still tweaking.”

  “Geez, dude. What did you say to her?”

  “I told her she needed to get some sleep and I took what little bit she had left with me. Then I went home and threw it in Calvin’s face before I shoved him,” I laughed.

  “Damn, wish I could have seen that!”

  “It was priceless! But then again, not really, it cost me this.” I gestured to my face.

  “Ouch, yeah, this one’s gonna look real ugly over the next few days,” he grimaced.

  I brushed the tips of my fingers over the side of my face lightly, just doing that sent needles of pain shooting through it. “Yeah,” I agreed. “You mind if I hide out here for a few days…I don’t wanna go home, man.”

  “Sure, no problem,” Trip nodded and walked to his closet. He got out the extra comforter and pillow from his top shelf, the ones that he kept there specifically for me and moments like this. “Here you go.”

  I took them from him and made a make-shift bed for myself on the floor.

  It was hours after Trip turned the lamp off before I fell asleep. When I finally did, it was like my entire body shut down and a dead sleep overtook me.

  I spent the next five days at Trip’s, completely unnoticed by his parents. I found it kind of sad really, his parents were so busy they hardly noticed their own son and seemed completely oblivious to the fact he was harboring a stowaway friend in his bedroom.

  When I finally decided to go home, before overstaying my welcome in Trip’s room or his parents noticed I was there, nearly six days had passed without me seeing Ali. Which made a total of five whole days and one half day gone by without any new, happy memories to replace the strung-out, tear-stained memories of her that had haunted my mind since the last time I’d seen her.

  Every thought I had circled back to her, and I became positive I was slowly losing my mind because the feelings I’d felt for her had grown stronger in her absence and I didn’t se
e how that was even possible.

  Chapter Seventeen

  It was Tuesday evening and I was getting dropped back off at my house by Joe. I’d just sold him an ounce of some pretty decent stuff and had him swing me by Taco Bell for a drive-through dinner. I was gone for an hour, tops, and when Joe pulled into my driveway again, Ali’s car sat parked behind Kerri’s Kia.

  My stomach twisted into knots. The sound of my own blood rushing through my ears was all I heard as images from the last time I’d seen her flashed through my mind. My brain froze on the final image, Ali slumped onto her knees in front of me and begging for me not to take her last shard of meth. My chest tightened while I wondered how long she’d been at my house with Calvin.

  “Thanks for the ride, man,” I absently thanked Joe.

  “Not a problem. I’ll get up with you again in about a week or so.”

  “You know where I’m at,” I muttered, stepping out and closing the door behind me.

  I started towards the front door, my pulse quickening with every step. I opened the door and froze, hoping my eyes were lying to me because I didn’t want to believe the sight in front of me.

  Ali was sitting on the couch beside Calvin laughing, obviously enjoying herself, until I came into the room.

  “Seth, hey…umm…” Her eyes shifted between Calvin and me as she took notice of the yellowed fading bruises on my face.

  Anger stabbed through me. I glanced around, my eyes meeting Brent’s, Kerri’s, and Calvin’s, but not hers. What the hell was she doing here? Why the hell was she sitting beside Calvin, laughing?

  I nodded. “What’s up?” I struggled to remain calm. I struggled to seem unaffected by the fact I’d come home to find her enjoying my piece-of-shit for a brother’s company.

  “Nothing. I just stopped by to talk to you,” Ali said. She stood and walked towards me.

  My eyes trailed over every inch of her as she sauntered forward. I took in her cut off shorts, her blue tank top, her long blonde hair that seemed to shimmer past her shoulders again. I noticed how her eyes were clear blue once more and her skin had color again.