Atonement (Heart of Stone)

by Sidebottom, D H

  I had hurt her for the last time. She wouldn’t let me hurt her again. I wouldn’t let me hurt her again.

  But I wouldn’t let go, I would never let her go. She was mine and as much as she wanted to run, we both knew I wouldn’t let her.

  If she thought she was getting a divorce, she had a shock coming. I would fight it with everything, everything I had, everything I was and everything I could find inside me.

  God, I was so damn stupid.

  How the hell I had managed to keep this place hidden from her for eight years was beyond me.

  Her face destroyed me when she had clocked Rebecca. I knew it was that Rebecca was in there, in full knowledge of this part of me that had ripped Ava apart.

  The one thing I could have hurt her with was sat beside me when she discovered this god damn fucking place.

  How the hell she had found out was beyond me.

  How the hell had she found it?

  I thought I had everything covered, hidden away from her so tightly no-one could establish who owned Allure.

  “Boss?” Gabe’s voice brought me from my trance and I peered up at him.

  “I, uhh… I dunno what to say really, I thought she was here for an interview. She said she was here for an interview. Is she someone special?”

  I sighed and sucked in my lips, “She’s my wife.”

  His eyes widened in shock. Nobody here knew anything about my life outside of here. That’s how I had managed to keep it a secret for so long. “She was my wife?”

  He nodded faintly, his obvious pity displayed openly, “Real sorry, boss.”

  “It’s not your fault, Gabe. Get yourself off home. In fact, clear the place out for me.”

  “Sure thing. You need anything before I go?”

  I shook my head in reply and watched his large frame retreat through the door at the end of the hallway.

  I lifted myself off the floor, my desolation making my body heavy and sluggish as I dragged myself into the office.

  Fuck, the girls were still bloody at it on the sofa. Christ, did they not hear the commotion?

  Picking up their clothes from the floor, I threw them at the entwined bodies. They actually broke off and blinked at me. “Go, get out.”

  They both frowned and I sighed in frustration, “OUT!”

  They listened then. They both shot up and exited the door whilst pulling their clothing on.

  I exhaled heavily as I unscrewed the cap off the whisky bottle and took a large gulp. It seared my throat but warmed my frozen gut.

  My phone alerted me to a message and I quickly picked it up, praying it was Ava but groaned when I saw Nate’s name:

  Nate:

  Again! A – fuckin – gain. You piece of shit!

  Me:

  Is she with you? Is she okay?

  Nate:

  Okay? Okay? She’s fuckin’ gutted. Why, Mason? All the damn time!

  Me:

  Tell her I want to talk.

  Nate:

  You really think she wants to talk? You’re more stupid than I thought.

  Me:

  Don’t interfere in this Nate, so help me…

  Nate:

  Don’t fuckin threaten me, you god damn prick! My best friend was fucking sobbing so hard she fucking passed out.

  Oh Jesus Christ.

  My hands gripped the edge of the table.

  Fuck, fuck, FUCK!!!

  The table tipped as I heaved it, the contents flying across the room with my strength. The cupboard went next as I lifted one end and flung it with ease into the opposite wall. The monitors came off the wall with a surprising effortlessness, their screens shattering and sprinkling the room with smoked glass. Everything else in the room followed suit, from the pictures of the many naked women that had donned the walls to my laptop.

  I wanted to destroy it all like it had destroyed my marriage, my family, my heart.

  I slumped back into the chair; the only thing left intact, and took another swig of the much needed alcohol.

  “Mason?”

  I turned to Rebecca, stood in the doorway, her skinny hip resting against the frame as she looked in horror at the mess.

  “You need something?” She asked it in a way there was no misinterpreting her meaning.

  I shook my head, I didn’t need that shit. I needed that shit so bad, so fucking bad.

  “It’ll make you feel good.” She offered and I closed my eyes and clenched my fists.

  “No.”

  She paused before taking a few steps towards me, “I can make you feel good.”

  Clamping my teeth over my tongue I sighed heavily, “Do you ever stop, Rebecca? How many times, no. I don’t fucking want you, I have never wanted you and I will never ever want you. The only person I will ever want is Ava, my wife, my beautiful fucking wife. You hear me? My wife.”

  Her gulp was loud as my words pierced her. I didn’t give a bloody shit to be honest. “Just go home, Rebecca.”

  “But…”

  “GET THE FUCK OUT!” I roared at her as I flung the whisky bottle an inch from her head. She screamed and jolted as it smashed against the wall beside her.

  Great, now I would have to hunt the place for another bottle.

  “Fine but you have my number, darling.” She said calmly before she turned and heeded my words.

  For Christ sake, this woman was relentless. Never took the hint. I had given her a big enough one, any bigger and it would bloody squash her with its size.

  My thirst for whisky was far from quenched and I dragged my weary body through the building to the small bar in the ‘lounge’.

  Lounge? That was a fucking joke; it was the waiting room for pussy.

  Pushing my glass at the optic and repeating the action three more times until my glass was full, I sank back down into a chair and eyed the room.

  It was full of comfy seats and porn. Fucking porn, like who needed fucking porn in a brothel? You was gonna get the deed, who needed the instructions?

  I had once loved this place. It had been like a puppy. Training it, watching it, seeing it obey and fill you with a sense of accomplishment.

  It had been one of my first ventures in my upcoming rise to stardom; my first cash cow, bringing in swift money for my other undertakings and enterprises.

  But now I hated it, loathed it, fucking despised it. It was my first and would be my last.

  She had really gone. Really, finally and totally gone.

  Refilling my glass, I pulled out my phone and scrolled the contact list until my beautiful wife’s smiling face found me.

  I smiled back at her and brushed my fingertip over her cheekbone. “You are so fucking beautiful. You loved me through everything, through all my faults and fuckups. And all I gave you in return was fucking disease, my sick mess of a life wearing you down constantly.”

  I hit the message icon and stared at the flashing character, my mind filled with so much I wanted to tell her, but none of it seemed right via text, none of it strong enough for how I felt.

  Me:

  I know, Ava. I told you I’d fuck it all up and boy, did I do it well, baby. I can’t even say sorry cos’ I know it’s not enough, nowhere near enough.

  I just really need you to know that I didn’t and would never sleep with her. I need to explain some things, Ava and I need you to let me.

  I can’t fix what I’ve broke, I know that, there isn’t enough glue in the bloody world to fix this but… hell, I dunno, baby. It’s all such a mess.

  I’ll abide to what you want Ava, but divorce? Not a hope in hell. No, way. Just, no. You’ll always be mine, Ava, even if you’re not mine.

  Please, just ring, text, anything so I know you’re ok.

  And please, talk to me. I need you to listen, I need you open and I need to be honest.

  I love you so god damn much. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I’ll buy you the fucking stars, I will. Just tell me what you want and I’ll deliver it with a fucking smile, baby.

  I…
I’m sorry my little warrior, so fucking sorry.

  Xxxx

  Chapter 14

  ava

  2 weeks later

  I watched the clock roll over to midnight and raised my glass, “Happy Birthday, Ava.”

  The vodka was a much welcome gift from the girls at NSC. I had returned there last week. Fuck Mason and his issues with Kade. He didn’t have a say anymore, my life was my own. Mine to do as I pleased, mine to enjoy and relish freedom, mine to mould the way I wanted now.

  I hated it, I hated every damn second of it. It was hollow, meaningless and lonely.

  Even after everything I couldn’t switch off my heart, what was left of it anyway.

  The children knew something was wrong. I had told them he had gone to work overseas for a while but even at six they looked at me with knowing eyes and sad smiles.

  Nate and Courtney had been my bricks, their utter love and support had picked me up time and time again.

  I felt sick constantly, I was exhausted and I was shaking all the bloody time. It was like I was going through withdrawal, my body craving something that had gone, but it would have to get used to it, its drug was never coming back.

  My phone pinged and I glanced at the time again, frowning at the strange time for someone to text.

  Mason:

  Happy Birthday, baby.

  I hope it’s one that answers your dreams,

  I love you my little warrior.

  Xxx

  Why did this man insist on his relentless torture? My craving exploded in my head like fireworks on Guy Fawkes Night as my soul wept in loneliness.

  I hadn’t answered any of his previous attempts to contact me. His texts and voicemails had been left unanswered as had his many flowers and notes.

  This time I yielded with a simple reply, whether it was because it was the first time in thirteen years I had spent the roll over into my birthday alone or whether my strength at my withdrawal was weak, I wasn’t sure, but I answered nonetheless.

  Me:

  Thank you.

  Mason:

  Hey, how are you?

  xxx

  Me:

  Fine.

  Mason:

  I miss you, Ava. God, I miss you so much.

  xxx

  Me:

  Don’t do this, Mason. Not now, it’s too late.

  Mason:

  I know… can I see Katie and George, I miss them.

  xxx

  Me:

  I dunno, they’re too young to understand what’s going on.

  Mason:

  Please, baby. Please.

  Xxx

  Me:

  Fine. Nate’s having a BBQ at his for my birthday tonight. You can see them there but please, stay away from me.

  He took a while to answer but just as I placed my glass in the dishwasher and gave in to my craving for sleep, he replied.

  Mason:

  Thank you. I’ll try, baby, but it’s so hard. My lungs have seized up, my heart has stopped beating and my soul…it’s searching everywhere for you, Ava. It screams for you.

  Xxx

  Me:

  It’s the only thing I can offer at the moment, Mason. Time with just the children or nothing, I’m sorry; I’m not ready for anything more. I can’t even look at you, never mind talk.

  Mason:

  Okay, I promise. Thank you.

  I love you.

  xxx

  Carrying my weary body up the stairs I flopped onto the bed and stared at myself through the ceiling mirror Mason had fitted for a previous birthday. It brought a smile to my face, the memory of his excitement as he had uncovered my eyes made me chuckle. He had been like a kid with a new toy and I had wondered at the time if this specific gift had been for me or him. Of course he had presented me with other extravagant presents but it had been this one that had meant the most. It was something I had mentioned in passing and he hadn’t forgotten.

  He never forgot. He was always interested in anything I had to say and he never forgot anything I had said; stored it away, in the compartment in his mind that was just for me.

  I always considered myself lucky for Mason’s attentiveness and devotion. I had heard the girls at work talk about their husband’s lack of interest in them, other than anything resembling sex, they were on their own but Mason always paid attention and respected anything I had to say.

  A smile lifted my lips when I pictured the happy faces that Mason’s presence would bring to my children tomorrow. They had missed their daddy with a fierce ache. He was a good father; always listened to what they had to say, helped with their homework and always made sure he spent time with them alone at the weekends. Daddy time was something they had missed and the knowledge that my peanuts were hurting hurt me. I couldn’t deny them the moment with him as I couldn’t deny him time with them.

  I just hoped that tomorrow, or rather today now, wouldn’t bring forth Mason’s pre-eminence with me. I knew he struggled to reel in his need for governance over me and if he tried that shit tomorrow then sparks were gonna fly, not just from me, but from both my best friends. Their lack of tolerance with Mason and the constant suffering he lay on me was still enflamed and I knew they wouldn’t take that kind of shit from him. If I broke, they broke.

  ***

  “Blow them all mommy; all of them in one go.” George cheered when I sucked in a huge breath and distinguished all thirty two candles that donned the huge pink cake in a single blow.

  He grinned at me and clapped with delight as he realised his mommy was cool and had a mega puff. “Never expected anything less with the size of your mom’s mouth, Georgie” Nate winked at him and Katie laughed loudly.

  George nodded seriously, “My daddy says my mommy has a big gob, is that the same thing?”

  The party of friends surrounding me laughed hard and loud. “It’s exactly the same thing, Georgie” Lucas grinned and I treat him to a severe slap of the arm.

  Layla grinned when Lucas rubbed his arm feverishly and swore under his breath, “You’re such a softie, Lucas. I bet Katie has harder skin than you.”

  He swooped her up, careful not to danger her hold on Willow who was currently snuggled into Layla’s arms fast asleep.

  “You want me to take her?” I asked as Lucas had other ideas for his wife. She winked and nodded as I lifted Willow from her and cradled her gently against me.

  She was so utterly perfect, from her tiny long fingers, to her rosy cheeks and plump pink lips.

  “Excuse me,” I whispered as the twinge in my heart returned. “I’m just gonna get some air in her lungs, the smoke form the candles must be choking her.”

  I ignored Kerrie’s pitying look; if I ignored it, it wasn’t there and that meant I didn’t have to admit to what I was feeling. What I was struggling with.

  “Look Willow, the crocuses are out…. god damn it.” I squeezed my eyes shut, desperate in my attempts to block the tears from falling, “Not today, eh, Willow, silly me.”

  I carried on walking past the huge bouncy castle Liv had hired for the children and down to the brook that ran the length of their garden and perched my arse on the edge. The slight trickle of the water was comforting; it’s rhythm soothing to my ache and the soft mewing of Willow both throbbing my yearning and mollifying the longing.

  I had two beautiful, wonderful bright and happy children, what the hell was wrong with me?

  A loud sob tore up my throat and left my mouth in a choking gasp.

  “You okay?” Jay asked from behind me, making me jump and jolting Willow. Her eyes shot open, she glared, rolled her lips and snuggled back in, once again capturing the peace of sleep.

  I nodded but didn’t look up. He settled beside me and I turned away from him, embarrassed and feeling foolish at my distress.

  “Hey” he pressed with a soft stroke of his fingers across my arm, “You can’t cry today, it’s your birthday.”

  I nodded but couldn’t fight the sniffle that gave away my weeping. “You w
anna talk about it?” he asked softly but I shook my head.

  “Come here.” He reached an arm around my shoulder and pulled me into him until my head rested on his shoulder. He remained silent as I silently cried, my great big teardrops falling onto his shoulder and ruining what looked like an expensive shirt but he didn’t speak, complain or withdraw from me. He let me get it out without any expectation and I secretly thanked him for it.

  “Feeling broody?” he asked cannily after I had calmed. I shot him an incredulous look but he just shrugged. “It’s my thing, I’m good at reading people” he said without apology and I sighed in acceptance but nodded.

  “Stupid, I know.” I admitted as I snuggled back into him, his strong chest was comforting, not in a sexual way but kind of safe and reassuring. He was very much like his dad, it was extraordinary.

  He shook his head against the top of mine, “No, why would it be?”

  “Because I have two wonderful babies already.”

  He nodded and exhaled heavily, “Doesn’t mean you don’t want more.”

  I didn’t reply, what could I say but ‘yeah’.

  “Does Mason know how you’re feeling?”

  I shook my head, “We’re not… together at the moment.”

  “On a break?” he chuckled at the popular phrase.

  “Something like that.” I chuckled slightly with him as he squeezed me faintly.

  “How many is it now?” he asked with humour and I elbowed him softly.

  “Too many” I acquiesced, “story of our lives I’m afraid.”

  We were both silent for a while and I could tell Jay had something skimming the tip of his tongue so I peered up at him, “Out with it.”

  He snorted and smiled, “Just that, well I dunno quite how to put this.”