Atonement (Heart of Stone)

by Sidebottom, D H

  “Just say it like it is, I’m a big girl.”

  He waggled his eyebrows as his eyes dropped to my chest with a smirk, “Very big, Ava.”

  He greeted another elbow to the ribs but laughed. “I’ve had my fair share of… ladies, Ava and don’t get me wrong when I say this but so has Mason, hell the man was a whore before you…”

  I nodded and sighed, not sure I was liking where this was going but I grit my teeth and took it as it came. “But that’s exactly what I’m saying… before you. He broke it down, Ava, for you. I have never, and I’ve seen a lot, never seen any man look at a woman so… indulgently, the way Mason looks at you. Whatever he has done and knowing Mason, it’s probably epically fucking huge, he bloody adores you Ava. He’d die for you, in an instant.”

  “I know” I whispered against him and I did know, but it still didn’t help the hurt that his eight year long lie brought on. “But some things are so far past the point of… deceit and pretence that I don’t think I can ever trust another living soul again. I thought I knew him, Jay. I thought we were so tight that secrets and lies were what other married people had, not Mason and I, not us but, he just blew my… everything wide apart; so fucking far apart that I’ll never find the pieces to fix this.”

  He sighed and planted a kiss atop my head, “You know, don’t tell anyone this but I envy you and Mason, Ava. The love, and… connection you share is utterly envious.”

  I scoffed and looked up at him, “You, Jay, are the most uninhibited and unrestrained man I know. How can you be jealous of a relationship that doesn’t even register on your radar?” It wasn’t said with insult and he didn’t take it with any.

  He shrugged with a sad smile, “Do you ever wonder why I’m like I am, Ava. Has my dad ever… discussed my uninhibited behaviour?”

  I shook my head firmly, “Your dad wouldn’t do that Jay, he would never talk down about you.”

  “No, I didn’t mean that. Does he ever like, ponder with you as to why I have many women and never settle down?”

  “It’s not for us to discuss, Jay. It’s your life; you’re just having fun, like you should. You’re only what, twenty four?”

  “Twenty five but… God, this is hard…”

  “You don’t have to tell me, Jay. It’s your private life and you don’t have to discuss it with me to make me feel better.”

  “No, it’s not that, it’s… my mum, she took some bad shit in her marriage, Ava, real bad dark shit and… well…” He sighed heavily and ran a hand agitatedly through his blond curls, “Marriage and relationships scare the fucking crap out of me, Ava. Proper panic, cold sweat, heart pounding fucked up shit, you know what I’m saying?”

  I pulled myself upright and looked at him, my eyes soft but full of pain for him. “I know Liv blames herself, Jay, for what she put you through as a child. Your dad hates himself for it too but what she went through, it’s rare, Hun. Not all relationships tear people apart, they’re not all violent and black. My marriage to Mason was the best thing that ever happened to me. I… I went through some deep dark shit too but you know, Mason took that darkness from me, screwed it up tight and threw it the fucking gutter. He’s made me live again, made me relish life and he held me above the water when life threatened to drown me.”

  Jay smirked at me and I smiled in resignation, “Okay, okay, nice move.”

  “I didn’t say anything, Ava, you did.” He planted another kiss on my head, “Just think that’s all.”

  I nodded as he took Willow from me and stood. “I’ll give you some quiet time before all hell breaks loose on the bouncy castle.”

  “With you or the kids?” I teased and was rewarded with a stunning grin, his tight scar creasing against his wide beam and adding more magnificence to his good-looking face.

  “Both” he laughed as he walked away, leaving me once again with the calm of the water current swaying against the incline of the banking; its ebb and flow reminding me of life, of my life. The ups and downs were a constant but through everything, like the water knew it would lead to the ocean, I knew Mason would always love me.

  Chapter 15

  mason

  I watched Jay place his mouth on Ava’s soft hair and my gut twisted in rage and jealousy. Did he want to fuck my wife? If he did he didn’t appreciate the use of his legs, or his arms… or his neck actually. I would snap them all, with a single fucking twist of my hand.

  He stood beside her and took Layla’s baby from her before he said something, laughed and then walked away.

  He ambled towards me, his gaze stoic but I could see the anger in him; his deep inhalation and stiff shoulders as he saw me gave it away.

  “She’s hurting, go easy on her” he stated and I scoffed.

  “Well unlike you, I’m not allowed to fucking talk to her” I spat with resentment as I narrowed my eyes on him.

  He shook his head sadly at me. What the fuck? Who the hell did he think he was?

  “If you hadn’t got my god-daughter in your arms I’d rip that fucking smirk off your face, arsehole.”

  Give him his due, he had courage. He came close to my face, his anger sparking like electricity off his body. “It isn’t a smirk, its fucking pity. I pity you, arsehole. You lost something good there; one of the only good women residing on this sorry excuse of a planet. I just backed you up arsehole so do not fucking treat me like shit on your shoe when I just fucking polished them for you.”

  He shook his head again and scoffed with distaste before he walked away.

  Wonderful!

  I watched her for a while, the noises and laughter from inside the house drifted into my senses and I smiled unconsciously as I heard George’s booming laughter. My heart and gut leapt at the sound. It wasn’t just women whose souls sang at the sound of their children’s happiness.

  “Daddyyyy” Katie shrieked, her loud decibels alerting Ava to the fact that I was here as she turned around. Our eyes locked and her pain and hunger both stoned me. God, I had hurt her so much. She was pale and gaunt and I knew she hadn’t been sleeping; she never could without me beside her.

  I needed to fix this, if not for just her health. She was slowly shrivelling inside herself, I could see it, her body was shutting down against the pain and her pain doubled mine.

  Jesus Christ, I fucking loved her with an ache that wouldn’t bate; an intensity that wouldn’t ever diminish and my body craved her with a force that frightened me. My soul yearned for her and my heart shivered for her beat, the beat that kept mine in sync.

  She kept my gaze as she stood then reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone as she moved slowly towards me. A slight frown pulled her eyes when she looked down at whoever was displayed on her screen as Katie came barrelling into me. “Daddy, daddy, I missed you sooo much.”

  Her huge grin and twinkling eyes brought my lips upwards into a huge smile of my own as I swooped her up and spun her round, hugging her tight and inhaling the sweet cherry essence of her shampoo, “Hello, sweetie. I missed you too. Have you been good?”

  She nodded wildly as George smiled up at me, his own excitement held tight within him as his characteristic self-control mirrored mine. “We’ve been super good, haven’t we Georgie?”

  “We have daddy, I promise.”

  I smirked at them both, their desperation in relating their outstanding behaviour actually gave away the fact that maybe they had been quite the opposite.

  “Okay, well if mommy tells me the same then I think that maybe you both deserve ice-cream…”

  “With chocolate buttons?” George asked his usual question with bright eyes but Katie frowned over my shoulder.

  “What’s wrong with mommy?” she asked quietly and I turned immediately, Katie’s apprehension worrying me.

  Ava was on her knees on the ground, one hand held the phone to her ear as the other palmed the grass in a desperate effort to keep her tiny body upright.

  Her shoulders were heaving and I could see her body tremble from the fifty or so
feet between us.

  Fuck!

  I planted Katie on the floor. “Stay here” I ordered, giving them no budge in protest to my words and pounded the grass under my feet as my wife sank lower, the phone now slipping from her hand and a deep wail left her mouth as she tipped her head back and screamed at the sky.

  “Ava?”

  I skidded to my knees beside her as the open pain in her face wrenched at my gut. She turned her wide eyes to me, the grief and sorrow radiated potently at me as her whole body swayed and her mouth fell open when another anguished howl forced its way out of her lungs and into the air.

  The party was beginning to descend on us as I grabbed Ava’s arms and held tight, slightly shaking her until she registered my presence. “Ava?”

  Her head shook as Nate crouched beside her but she still locked onto me, I could read her desolation as she silently asked me for comfort and support. “Baby, please, tell me?”

  Her expression was full of disbelief and misery but she formed the one word needed to explain her despair, “George.”

  “Oh, baby, no… no Ava.” I pulled her onto my lap tight, holding her against me like a vice as I tried to pull the grief from her and take it as my own. She let me, her bleakness making her unreceptive and docile.

  Her tiny body shook with huge trembles as she fought to fill her lungs with much needed oxygen. A strangled choke caught in her throat and I gripped her chin lightly, turning her face to me as I tried to comfort her, “Baby, breathe, in… come on…”

  Her throat bobbed manically as she struggled to grasp the air she needed and release the air already trapped inside her.

  Her body was shutting down as her lungs fought to function and her heart stilled its beat. “Ava! Breathe!”

  Courtney appeared from nowhere and the slap of her palm on Ava’s cheek was loud in the quiet. Ava gasped and a huge sob erupted forcefully from her mouth as she broke down against me, her small hands grabbing huge clumps of my shirt as she crumpled in on herself, taking my soul with her.

  “Ssshhh, baby, I’m here, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  She nodded against my chest as I turned to Nate. “Can we borrow the jet, she needs to be there?”

  “Of course, I’ll get it ready.” He patted my shoulder, slid his hand over Ava’s head and disappeared up to Liv who was holding my children back from their mommy. I glanced their way and tried to give them a reassuring smile but I’m sure it resembled a strangled grimace.

  Katie, bless her heart, lifted her hand in a small wave and nodded to me. Her attempt at maturity fisted my heart and I blew her a kiss, letting her know her support was received and consumed.

  George stood stock still and silent, his eyes never leaving his mother and I knew he was fighting with himself in his need to comfort her. They were close, their bond as close as Katie’s and mine, and I knew he was hurting just by watching his mom hurt.

  “I want to go” Ava said quietly and I nodded, manoeuvring her so I could stand and still keep my hold on her. I scooped her up and lifted myself off the ground; grateful for the many workouts I did as my ability to lift us both upright was done with ease.

  Sliding an arm under her, I pulled her in closer and stroked my knuckles across her cheek. “We’ll do this together, Ava. I’m going with you and I am not leaving your side.”

  I could see her argument filter across her face but she sighed and nodded, her knowledge that she would need me gave her anger a push to the side for the moment.

  “Yeah, but put me down Mason, I don’t want Katie and Georgie to see me like this.”

  I gazed at her, wanting and needing to hold her to me. I had missed her closeness, longed for this intimacy even if the situation wasn’t exactly great, I still needed her near but I conceded for the time being and lowered her gently until her feet touched the grass.

  Her legs buckled slightly but she dragged in a breath and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand before she approached the twins where she crouched before them and patted her thighs, one for each.

  They scrambled on-board and hugged her tightly, as though they were afraid to let go.

  “Is it Grandpa?” George asked with incredible perceptiveness. Ava smiled sadly at him but nodded. She was always as truthful with the children as possible, apart from our many arguments, she always said the lies she lived through as a child had been some of the things that had broken her.

  She planted a soft kiss on both their heads then gave them both a firm look as she sucked in a deep breath, “Grandpa has gone to live with Aunty Katie in the clouds, she’s going to look after him now but you know, he’ll always be here with us… always….”

  Her voice cracked and she coughed slightly as I bent my knees beside her and pulled Katie onto my knee as her face crumpled and a big fat tear slipped from her eye.

  The children were silent as they absorbed what this meant, both of them too young to actually understand that they would never see George again but this was part of life, something they would always be faced with.

  “Grandpa loved you very much mommy” George whispered and my heart broke for this little guy, even through his own grief he was more concerned about Ava’s. “He wouldn’t want you to be sad; he always said you had a pretty smile and I think… I think he wants to…to see it, mommy.”

  “Oh Jesus Christ” Ava blew out as her heart fractured and she pulled George against her, holding him until I thought he would go blue.

  “Mommy and daddy have to take a trip over to Grandpa’s and I need you both to be good for Aunty Courtney and Uncle Greg, okay?” I asked them both as I caught Courtney’s tear streaked face in a silent question but she nodded firmly and approached the kids.

  “Come on peanuts, kiss your mom and let’s go grab some things.” Courtney kissed Ava’s head and her hand shot up to Courtney’s in a frenzied grab.

  “You okay, hun?” Ava asked with a squeak in her voice. Courtney nodded and smiled faintly but her eyes held the question we all needed answering. “Heart attack” Ava answered the silent enquiry softly and Courtney nodded with a stiff jerk, her own attempts at holding back her emotion tightening her throat and draining her energy. “I need to bring him home Courtney, I need him home.”

  I wrapped my fingers into Ava’s hair and tilted her head slightly until she was looking up at me, “And he will be, baby. I promise.”

  She nodded, the action tightening my hold on her slightly but I knew she needed my dominance and direction right now. She needed me to take over, pull her away from the responsibly and managing whilst she grounded her grief and took control of it. “Thank you.”

  She smiled at me, her soft lips pulling upwards slightly but it didn’t reach her eyes, they were hollow and lifeless and I couldn’t help feeling that maybe I had put that deadness into them. “I love you, Ava. Remember you’re my little warrior, you can do this. You are so strong, so god damn strong, you hear me?”

  She gulped and nodded. “I know.”

  I grabbed her hand as Nate nodded at me to inform me of his jet’s readiness and we kissed the kids before I led her to the car, her hand held tightly in mine as I supported her, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

  She would need me now and maybe my thoughts were a little selfish when my insides warmed at the opportunity to have her near even if she was spiritually not with me.

  But I would take anything I could get at the moment… anything.

  Chapter 16

  Ava

  I could feel Mason’s stare on me as I kept my face turned into the small window beside me, the whiteness of the clouds below strangely giving me a sense of peace.

  I couldn’t help feeling close to George up here, stupid I know, but it was a little piece of fantasy that I didn’t want to let go of.

  “Ava, look at me” Mason’s stroked his fingers across my outstretched ones as I rested them on the armrest of the plush seat. I always loved travelling on Nate’s small but very significant jet, its extravagance
afforded an easy flight but today it didn’t hold the same indulgence. It was taking me somewhere I didn’t want to go, somewhere I would never go again after this visit, somewhere I would have to face something I had never wanted to face…ever.

  “Ava.”

  I turned my head slowly, my hair still resting on the glass as I slid my eyes to his. I didn’t reply, just gazed at him silently waiting for his words, the words I knew were coming but wouldn’t make a speck of difference to the situation.

  One side of his face was squashed against the headrest as his soft eyes sought mine, “Baby, talk to me.”

  I scoffed faintly, “There’s nothing to say, Mason.”

  “There’s plenty to fucking say.”

  “Alright” I corrected myself, “there’s nothing I have to say that you want to hear.”

  He sighed deeply but didn’t shift his gaze, just held on to me with the deep devotion that always seemed to envelope me and offer comfort when I needed it… not today. “Just say it Ava, whether I want to hear it or not, just bloody say it.”

  I could hear the annoyance and acceptance in his tone but I also picked up the slight fear in the pitch and I smirked inwardly. “Nah, honestly, you really don’t wanna hear it.”

  His teeth clenched as his jaw tightened before his fingers curled around my wrist in a tight hold. “Ava, I’m doing my damndest not to snap here, but I can tell you, you’re making it so fucking difficult. Fine, don’t talk about us but just say something… anything.”

  He stared at me as I stared at him, both of us dragging through the deep emotions we held. His eyes narrowed as mine fired, “Did you fuck her?”

  He closed his eyes tightly as his fists clenched and his jaw became so rigid when he pulled air through his clamped teeth it whistled with a squeal. “No.”

  Just a simple word. That’s all he had to offer, to mollify me with. It didn’t work.