A Broken Forever

by Megan Noelle

  Sadly, I was getting used to never speaking a word to him, but that didn’t mean I didn’t need him still. It had been almost a year since our lives were flipped upside down and nothing was better. Counseling wasn’t working; hanging out with old friends had become more of a punishment than anything else. Our therapist Amy’s last recommendation was to look each other in the eye and talk—really talk to one another. I was hopeful, but it never happened.

  Stefan hadn’t really looked me in the eye since before the funeral, and I missed it so much. If he was talking to me he looked through me or past me—it was as if I wasn’t here at all. My hopes that things would get better were slowly diminishing; the flame buried in my soul was beginning to burn out. I wasn’t sure I could take much more of this without a change, but I didn’t think I could ever let go.

  I loved him too much and, despite what some thought, I knew he was going to come back to me someday.

  My eyes flickered toward the clock on my side table, it was only ten after midnight. Stefan normally didn’t pour himself into the apartment until after one in the morning—at the earliest. I should just put on a movie and try to rest, but for some reason my body was strangely antsy. I wasn’t going to be able to sleep no matter how much I tried, and there was something I had desperately been wanting to do.

  I uncurled my legs from the pretzel and let the blood flow back into them as they hung over the side of the bed. I bit my lip and listened even more intently to make sure I was completely alone—no shock—I was. My feet slid into pink slippers and carefully I crept across the floor to my bedroom door. The door creaked open and I stuck my head out to look both ways down the hallway. At one end was the door that Stefan would stumble through; the opposite end of the hallway was the room I have refused to enter since Christmas Eve.

  Over the months people have been trying to coax me into facing my fears and going inside. Even Jayden eventually said it might help me, but I didn’t think it would—at least not yet. I kept telling myself when the time was right I would know. Truthfully I was holding out hope that Stefan would do this with me. Slowly I let go of that, though. The only thing Stefan avoided more than me was that room. He didn’t talk about it, didn’t look at it. It was as if it was nothing more than a wall—not the room where his baby girl once dreamed.

  Ever since I woke up in the hospital without the chance to ever hold her again, I felt empty. A gaping hole permanently resided in my heart. Not only had I lost my little girl, but I hardly had my best friend anymore. Our relationship was holding on by an unraveling string and I had only one thing left to try and mend it. I needed to face what was and pray that it would repair the rest.

  My intentions to enter Allie’s room were clear, but that didn’t make my footsteps down the hall any quicker. With each step I felt my chest tightening and my stomach twisting. My breathing became erratic as I tried to give myself the strength to do what I knew I had to. I reached my hand out and gripped onto the doorknob that was cold as ice, my chest heaved with an overwhelming breath. I closed my eyes and exhaled the nerves before twisting the handle and pushing open the door.

  I wasn’t sure what I was expecting. What I got was an overpowering need to leave but I couldn’t—not yet. My finger found the switch on the wall in the darkness as if it had only been an hour since the last time I was here. Everything was exactly the same but still somehow different.

  The wall decals Stefan and I spent a week putting on carefully and in the perfect places were peeling off the walls. The chair in the corner and the book lying across the armrest hadn’t moved an inch. The footie pajamas Stefan picked out for her to wear special for Christmas hung over the railing of her crib, ready to go for when we returned from our party. Stuffed animals smiled happily into space from different places around the room, never realizing that their reason to smile had long since gone.

  I could hardly blink my eyes for fear that it would all disappear before I had a chance to admire every last inch of it. My fingers skimmed along the top of the pink and white dresser, over her toys and books. I stopped when I got to her crib. I wished more than anything that I would look over the top of the railing and see my little love, dreaming peacefully. I had never wanted anything, the way I wished things could go back. I missed Allie. I missed Stefan and I missed the family we were together.

  I could picture it, even now. Me, sitting in the rocking chair, staring dreamily at the love of my life while he laid our beautiful daughter down to rest. He would kiss each of her cheeks and then her nose and say, “You’ll never know just how much I love you, sweet girl.” Every night it touched my heart because I knew it was true. Together we’d say goodnight—together.

  I couldn’t recall the last time I could really say we did anything “together.”

  Now, here we were, and I knew I had to do this alone because that was what I had—myself. My fingers curled over the railing as I inched closer before finally looking in at the pink and white dotted sheets and her favorite pink bunny I had almost forgot existed. While the other animals smiled without thought, her favorite seemed sad. Ray Ray was his name—Allie never went anywhere without him, except for that night. We forgot to bring him, and now here he lay, lonely and forgotten. I felt for him, he didn’t ask for this change. He loved his Allie and the way she cuddled him to her chest. Silent tears fell from my eyes as I reached out to pick him up without thinking.

  He was just as cold on the outside as I felt on the inside. I hugged him tight, shutting my eyes, letting my tears fall onto his soft fur. I would never let him go again because right now we only had each other. No one understood what was going on and no one was here to protect us anymore.

  With Ray Ray wrapped tightly in my arms, I backed up until I felt the rocking chair at the back of my legs. My body collapsed into it while the tears I’ve held in for almost a year poured out freely. I cried for what was and what my life had become. Yet somewhere in the sadness I heard the familiar click of the front door. My heart stopped beating—I froze. This was too early for Stefan to be home, so why tonight did he choose to leave the bar early??

  I flew from the chair and ran to the opening of Allie’s room with Ray Ray still clutched in my arms. Stefan was fumbling with the lock, but looked up just as I appeared in the hall. His eyes widened as he realized exactly where I was and what was in my arms.

  Tension hung between us. I hoped he would say nothing, but then again, I wished he would. I wanted him to break down like I had. I wanted him to cry and to tell me he was sorry and that he wanted to fix things too. Judging from the heat rolling off every tensed muscle that was far from the reaction he was having.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” His words were slightly slurred, but slow and deliberate.

  I opened my mouth to respond but shut it again. This wasn’t just a simple question that wanted the obvious answer.

  “I wanted to see it,” I finally replied honestly. A dry chortle ripped from his throat as his eyes narrowed.

  “See what exactly?”

  I had to look away from his penetrating stare and instead I focused on the pink bunny in my arms. I let the soft fur calm my heart rate as I longed for this moment to be over.

  I shrugged, still avoiding his eyes. “Everything.”

  “What the fuck are you going to see in her bedroom, Greyson??” My body tensed at the unfamiliar harshness in his voice.

  “I don’t know, Stefan, but I just wanted to…look.”

  “Shut her fucking door. You have no goddamn reason to be in there!” His words made my face snap up to glare back.

  “How dare you speak to me like that, Stefan! I have every right to go in here if I want. I am her mother!”

  I could practically hear the hiss in his breath. “Not anymore. That’s her room—shut the goddamn door.” In the way he spoke I heard him try and regain control, but I couldn’t just let him get away with this. Stefan had never talked to me like this before and I hated every bit of it. In a way though, I needed it. I had
to make him fight and make him see what he was doing. Maybe this was what I had to do to bring him back.

  “No! I’m not going to shut her door, Stefan. Allie was real, and hiding from it isn’t going to change that.” Even from opposite ends of the hall I could see the physical toll it took on him to hear her name. Skirting around it for months was wrong, I could see that now. The trick was that now I had to make him see it.

  “Don’t fucking talk about her! Shut the goddamn door, Greyson!”

  “NO!” I yelled back. “Come here and look for yourself! You have to remember her, Stefan! Remember me, and us—the way things were! Please!” I felt the hysterics coming as I pleaded with him.

  “I don’t want to remember! Why don’t you fucking get that?! I want to forget all of this fucking bullshit! You, her, us—it’s all fucking gone!”

  You. Her. Us.

  Everything I was trying to hold onto was everything he was trying to let go.

  I had never experienced what a gunshot felt like but right now—one could hit me and I don’t think I could have told the difference between a bullet and Stefan’s words.

  “You’re just saying that,” I cried out, swiping away at the freshly fallen tears.

  “No, I’m not! I want all of this shit to be fucking over! The last thing I want to do is take a goddamn walk down memory fucking lane right now! So shut her GODDAMN DOOR!”

  “No! If you were ready to let go of us, then why do you come home every night?? And if she didn’t matter then why does this door being open bother you so much!?” I was challenging him and I knew this wasn’t wise. Not only was he at the edge, but he had been drinking, and I didn’t know how he was going to react.

  “I only come home because I have nowhere else to go! This was a fucking mistake, Grey! I don’t want any of this fucking shit! And I don’t want her door open because I don’t fucking appreciate the fact that you are keeping it as some kind of shrine!”

  “You don’t want any of this?? I don’t believe that, Stefan! You’re lost and you’re scared, but we’re going to get through this!”

  “Why can’t you fucking hear me?! I. Don’t. Want. THIS!”

  “PROVE IT!” I screamed as loud as I could. Stefan stomped toward me, my eyes never left his, unsure of what was coming.

  When he came closer to the light of Allie’s room I saw him fiddle with the wedding band I had placed on his left ring finger. He took it off and threw it at me. I ducked to avoid it, but didn’t miss the sound of it hitting the opposite wall.

  “How much more do I have to prove it to you, Grey? We don’t sleep in the same fucking bed! I don’t try to spend time with you! I can’t even fucking look at you!” My heart exploded. How had I never guessed that the reason for his distance because he wanted it to be over? All along I thought it was just a temporary thing until he was okay.

  Stefan stood toe-to-toe with me and stared down into my face. The blues of his eyes were almost black; never before had I seen them look this way and it downright terrified me. “You’re right, I do want to go back. I want to go back to the day we met and I wish I would have just kept fucking walking so I didn’t waste my life.”

  “That’s what you think our marriage was—a waste?”

  “I think it was a fucking joke, Greyson. Wake up, the guy you fell in love with died a long time ago and he’s never coming back.” Before I could digest what was happening I felt my hand connect with the side of his face as I laid a slap against him that burned from my palm to the depths of my soul.

  I shoved him out of my way and ran to my bedroom. I whipped open my closet door and grabbed my large traveling suitcase. I didn’t think twice about what I was packing as I ransacked my drawers and hangers for whatever filled it.

  The last thing I placed inside was the pink bunny I had yet to let go. I sealed him up with a tear and whispered, “I promise I’ll never let you go, baby.”

  With that I closed my bag and entered the hallway again to collect my shoes, keys and my jacket. I glanced back down the hall and saw that Stefan hadn’t moved from his spot against the wall where I had shoved him. At first I planned to say nothing, but finally I said the only thing I thought was right.

  “You got your wish—it’s over. I want a divorce.”

  I slammed the door shut behind me and promised that I would never look back.

  I shot straight up, sweat soaked my hair and my breathing shook my body. Tears were pouring before I even had a chance to grasp the reality around me. Richard woke up and quickly sat up, wrapping his hands around my shoulders.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?” I couldn’t answer.

  All I could do was sob hysterically as I clutched at the unbearable pain in my heart.

  “Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?”

  I shook my head and buried my face into his chest. Jayden had been right; I was a fool for even spending a second with Stefan again. I was holding onto something that had died long ago. For the first time in six years, I knew it was time to move on.

  “I think I should take today off.” Richard sat on the edge of our bed sipping on a cup of coffee. I was slowly waking up, and feeling even worse than I had last night. Of course I refused to let Richard see this. I made a promise to myself after I regained my breath that I would tell him everything that I had kept hidden. Right now wasn’t the time though, there was one thing I needed to do first.

  “No, baby, you don’t need to take the day off. Not only do you need to go in, but this is another one of your long shifts. The patients and the other doctors need you there.”

  He reached a free hand out with a heartbroken look in his eyes. “I hate that I can’t be here for you.”

  I leaned my cheek into his hand, pressing a kiss against his palm. “You are here for me. Besides, I have to go to work today too. I feel badly that I haven’t been there for Kari and Kacie.”

  “You know they understand, sweetheart.”

  I nodded, then leaned forward to give Richard a kiss. “I know, now go on to work, baby. I know you have to go.”

  He shifted his arm to catch a glimpse of the watch under the cuff of his shirt. “Oh shit, you’re right.” He downed the final swig of his drink and set it on the night stand. “Have a good day, Grey, call me if you need anything.”

  With one hand on either side of my face he leaned in and pressed a kiss to my lips.

  “I love you,” I said, taking hold of his face.

  A grin beamed back at me as he placed a farewell kiss on my lips.

  “I love you back, my dear.”

  I waved goodbye as he left the room, but didn’t move to get up until I heard the apartment door shut and lock. Immediately I reached for my cell phone and dialed Kacie’s number.

  “Grey! How are you doing?” she said, bypassing all greetings.

  “I’m alright. How have things been at the salon?”

  “We’re holding down the fort just fine. How’s the ankle?”

  Oh yeah, I hardly felt a thing. Apparently the last few days my mind had been…elsewhere.

  “It’s fine, doesn’t hurt a bit. Hey, the reason I called was to let you know that I’m coming in today, but I’ll be just a little late.”

  “Oh, that’s no problem, babe. You just come in whenever you can. Is everything okay?”

  I blew out a sigh. “Yeah, there’s just something I need to take care of.”

  “Alright, see you when you come in.”

  “Okay, love you, Kace. Thanks again.”

  “Anytime Grey, love you too!”

  The phone went dead and I jumped into action. I showered, styled my hair, applied my make-up and selected an outfit for work. I stopped in the kitchen to finish off the coffee, grabbed my purse, keys and I was out the door with determination flowing through me.

  Any feelings of bliss and nostalgia I had before were long gone. Now, I was nothing more than filled with guilt, remorse and stupidity. How could I be such a fool to let him back in? Jayden was right all along�
��I let Stefan go for a reason. Richard was my future and Stefan belonged in my past.

  My knuckles were white as I used the wheel as my own personal stress ball. My stomach was twisted to the point of nausea, but I continued to tell myself what I was doing was what was right. I pulled up in front of Harrison Towers and parked my car in the no parking area directly in front of the building. A security guard ran to my car as I made my way to the sidewalk.

  “Ma’am, you can’t park here!”

  “I’ll be right down, and Stefan Harrison is expecting me. And if you have my car towed, I swear to you that Mr. Harrison will fire you.” Whatever I said seemed to work. He gulped back any protests and nodded his head.

  “It will be here, Ms. Desmond.” I paused slightly as I realized this man knew exactly who I was. I whipped around to look at him, unable to voice the questions swarming my mind.

  “Mr. Harrison told us if you were ever to stop by that you could do as you pleased.” I sighed, nodding.

  “Of course he did.”

  If I continued talking to this innocent bystander I wasn’t going to have the guts to do what I came to, and I refused to let anything stop me. I stomped my way into the lobby and immediately caught the eyes of the women behind the receptionist’s desk. This time they didn’t stop me—both gave me a smile and waved cheerily as if we had been friends for years.

  I returned with a half-hearted smile and wave as I made my way to the elevators. Luckily, I had an elevator to myself so I could pace and panic the entire ride up. The doors opened and the face of Stefan’s assistant, Amanda, was the first thing I saw. She was far from happy to see me, but I was sure in about ten minutes I would be her favorite person because then she would have Stefan all to herself.

  “Is he in there?” I barked.

  She nodded her head once and focused her attention to the ringing phone. I passed her desk and ran right into Stefan’s office, slamming the door shut behind me.

  Stefan looked up from his desk, a smile on his face that quickly turned into worry as he noticed my expression. He was out of his seat and headed toward me before I could get a word out.