A Broken Forever

by Megan Noelle

“Let me reheat you a plate. Do you like blackened chicken and mashed potatoes?”

  “One of my favorites.”

  “Great!” Cara excused herself, scurrying off to the kitchen.

  Jayden was next to stand, “You alright in here with Lily for a minute? I’m going to go check on Cara.”

  “Of course I am.”

  As soon as Jayden left me and Lily alone, I twisted her in my arms so I could see into her face better. As she smiled and cooed I stared back, a few tears moistened my eyes. It didn’t matter how many years had passed, I still remembered those simple but wonderful moments of just holding Allie. It was so long ago but it felt as if it was just yesterday.

  Maybe coming here today wasn’t the greatest idea. Seeing Cara and Jayden was always fun but after the day I had—I really needed time to process everything. Adding a visit with Lily was only making my wounds open sooner than I was ready. I guess one thing at a time was the best way to do this—saying goodbye to Stefan tore my heart open, but being reminded of my Allie was more than I could take.

  “Jayden!” I called out.

  I was relieved when he came in without Cara. It was nothing personal, but I always felt I needed to keep a front up with other people. With Jayden I could speak openly—for the most part—and not have him walk on egg shells around me.

  “What’s up, Grey?”

  “I think I’m going to go home. I’m sorry that I had you guys dirtying more dishes for me. I just…maybe I need to be alone right now.”

  Jayden nodded, empathy in his eyes. “I understand; do you want to take any of the chicken home?”

  I shook my head, “No, I’m not really hungry anymore. Can you please apologize to Cara for me?”

  He reached down and picked Lily up from my arms. “Of course I will.” I stood and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

  “Thanks.” Jayden walked off to the kitchen before I headed out. I was sure it was to let me get away without trying to hold a conversation if Cara came out.

  I appreciated the simple gesture more than I could point into words, but right now I needed to get home.

  The drive was made without any tears or dramatic phone calls to anyone because I was overcome with emotion. It was quiet, the radio was turned off and I caught myself zoning off into my own head more than once. In the beginning of the evening I dreaded coming home to an empty house. Now, I was grateful for it. I wanted to spend the rest of my evening draining my head and heart of the leftover feelings from my actions. With Richard here I knew I wouldn’t have been able to and no longer did I want to continue hiding things from him.

  I flipped on the light switch, slipped out of my shoes and pulled my phone from my purse. In my inbox I composed a new message to Richard to do as I promised.

  RM: Hey Honey, I’m home. Jayden and Cara said hi! I’m heading to bed—it was a late night at the salon so I’m exhausted. Love you! XO

  I placed my phone on the charger in my room, and switched the volume to silent. My body slowly sank onto the bed, my hands rubbed my knees as I contemplated my next move. What I wanted to do surprised me, as I hadn’t looked at these items in many years. A knot formed in my stomach as I weighed out my options but I decided it was time. My legs wobbled slightly as I stood from my mattress and cautiously left the room. Slowly making my way into our office.

  The room was filled with a combination of my work files and Richard’s. We shared a desk, bookshelf and an old laptop that we stuck in here after we upgraded. On either side of the desk were filing cabinets for each of our documents. I lowered myself into the desk chair and tried to take deep steadying breaths to calm my shaking hands. On the right was my cabinet and gently I opened the top drawer all the way. At the very back, beyond the last manila envelope was a key taped to the bottom.

  I pulled the key from the tape and held it in my hands, turning it over and over again. Richard never knew it was back there, he just knew the bottom drawer of my cabinet had been locked since before I moved in. I gulped back my fears and slid the key into the lock. With another deep breath I twisted it and pulled the drawer open.

  The first thing I saw were the files for the deed to my salon, my car, and past tax documents. All of these things were valuable and deserved to be protected and if Richard ever opened the lock when I wasn’t home, he would see those and think nothing more. But my secret was kept at the very back, in a black box that a bunch of random folders sat atop. I removed the folders, then slowly pulled the box out.

  Carefully, I set it on the carpeted floor and sat down next to it. I exhaled once and pulled the lid off as quickly as one yanks a Band-Aid. The very first thing I saw was another manila folder, inside were my marriage and divorce documents. I only glanced at them before setting them aside. They were difficult to see, but that wasn’t the reason for coming in here tonight. Under the folder were two shoeboxes, I knew which one I was looking for but I couldn’t resist peeking into the other.

  Under the lid sat close to hundred photos and the one I saw first was of a happy, smiling and very much in love young couple. I almost didn’t recognize myself or Stefan—it had been such a different time in my life. Young and naïve—I never imagined things would change the way they had. My finger brushed against the edge of the photograph. If I could go back and warn the adult version of myself all that was coming, I would. It was hard to imagine what I would even say other than, everything would be okay.

  I glanced past that picture down to the shoebox and saw half of the next one. Undeniably it was a picture of me in the hospital after having Allie—I couldn’t look at it yet. I pushed the box aside and carefully lifted the top off the second. Staring back at me with an unchanged sadness in its stuffed little self, was Ray Ray. One day I placed him in this box to transport him from my temporary home in my parent’s bedroom to my new place. As I was unpacking I saw the shoebox but I couldn’t open it again.

  The memories were still too painful to face and I wanted to stop hurting—even if that meant keeping precious items concealed. I had transferred Ray Ray’s box from one place to the next, but this was the first time that I have seen him. I smiled as a tear slid from my eye. I pulled him into me and inhaled a large breath. Maybe I was only imagining things but I could have sworn it smelt the way she had.

  The tears fell as I ran my fingers through its soft pink fur. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. It wasn’t clear to me who I was saying this to, but in that moment it was exactly what my heart needed to say.

  Ray Ray laid in my extended arms, tears soaked his fur but neither of us moved. My chest had locked up, making it almost impossible to exhale. The longer I sat this way, the easier it became to breathe. I let the tears wash away the guilt and the regret I had once refused to admit was there.

  “I let him go, Ray. It wasn’t easy. It was even more difficult to do than the day I signed the divorce papers, because this time he fought for me. But I had to. I’m not living and I’m not healing. I haven’t even been able to look at you. It isn’t right the way I’ve locked away everything I used to be. But no more.”

  I cuddled him into me and placed a kiss against his ear. As gently as I could, I lowered him back into the shoebox.

  “I promise you’re not going to stay in there forever, Ray. I just need to wait for the right moment and then you will be free. Hopefully we both will.”

  I pressed the lid over his home and placed it back into the black box. My intention was to place the photo filled box in their next but I was finding it impossible to not look at a single photo. Once again my fingers trembled as I lifted the wedding picture away to reveal the entirety of my first picture with my Allie.

  Instantly I felt my face lift to a smile. There she was, my little 7 pound, 8 ounce sweet baby girl. This picture once had a special place in a frame on my bedside table. Our eyes locked on one another, I had worn a proud smile as I gazed at my beautiful little creation. Before allowing myself to become too choked up over one image, I moved along to the next.

  T
he next fifteen or so were of Stefan and Allie, me and Stefan and the three of us as a family. In every single picture I almost wondered if I was looking at someone else’s life. I remembered everything about that magnificent day but seeing those moments caught was a different experience. It was almost unbelievable that the couple I was staring at were now nothing but a memory. Almost. Looking at this young, happy couple was so incredibly mesmerizing. The way they stared into each other’s face like they had no idea a camera was flashing to capture the love.

  As I sifted through I realized that this Stefan was the one I had loved. That was the person I knew better than I could ever know myself. The one I said goodbye to today was a vague memory of the one I would have given the world for.

  My hand reached in to grab out the next stack but I froze as the sound of our apartment door opening echoed in the silence. I waited half a heartbeat to make sure I wasn’t crazy but the sound of the door clicking shut sent me into panic mode. Scooping up every picture I could, shoving them back into the box—I couldn’t let Richard walk in and see this. There were so many ways I planned to tell him about Stefan and Allie but this wasn’t one of them.

  I shoved the documents back in and practically threw the black box back in place in the drawer. Wiping under my eyes as quickly as possible was the last thing I had time for as the floor directly outside the door creaked.

  “Honey, is that you?” I called out, as I slipped into the desk chair. My hand rested strategically on top of the black laptop screen.

  The door opened and Richard entered the room just as I closed the laptop lid.

  “Darling, what are you doing awake?”

  My thumb motioned toward the screen, “Just wasting time surfing the web. I laid down but wasn’t as tired as I originally thought I was.”

  “Ah yes, I have most definitely been there.” I left the chair and met him in the middle of the room. My fingers wrapped into the business jacket he wore.

  “What are you doing home, love? I thought you had a long shift today.”

  Richard’s hands fanned out at my hips and slowly moved up my back in a soothing rotation. “I did, but they were training in a new doctor this evening and they decided to send someone home and I volunteered.”

  My eyes bugged out in genuine surprise. “You volunteered?” If Richard volunteered for anything it was to work more but never to go home early.

  “I did,” he reiterated.

  “And why is that?” I flattened my palms against his chest, feeling the soft vibrations of his heartbeat.

  “Because I have an incredible fiancée whom I have seen very little lately. And I suppose I just needed a night to be with her.” Such a little thing made my heart seriously swoon.

  I bit down on my lip as my hands moved over his chest to the top of his shoulders. “I think I like that idea.”

  He leaned his face closer to mine as he dropped his voice. “Oh you do, do you?”

  “Mhmm,” I didn’t want to wait any longer. Lately it felt my days were spent in tears with my body constantly exhausted by the rollercoaster of emotions I had endured. My body knew right now exactly what it wanted and that was Richard.

  Without hesitation I pulled his shoulders into me as I sealed my mouth over his. The simple touch ignited a fire deep in my body that only had one way to be sated. I wrapped my arms around his neck, deepening the kiss while Richard’s hands made their way under my shirt.

  The sensation of his hands against my skin made my body melt. Richard was a gentle lover but knew just what I liked and how to make me quiver. I dug my fingers into the warm, soft skin beneath them and pressed my body against every inch of his. Richard’s hardening length rubbed against me and I knew this time he wasn’t going to turn me down.

  I pulled back my face from the kiss, gasping for air. “Make love to me, baby.”

  Richard released my waist and suddenly scooped me up into his arms while returning his lips to mine. I was vaguely aware of him moving us down the hall into our bedroom. I would have been fine to finish what we started in the hallway, on the floor, against the wall—anywhere. Richard preferred the bedroom though so I knew that was exactly where we were headed.

  Moments later he gently laid me down upon the mattress, allowing his body to cover mine. My fingers twisted into his silver hair as we continued moving our mouths in sync. He moved back to catch our breath and his eyes blazed as they focused on mine.

  “I love you so much, Grey.”

  “I love you.” I sat up and began tearing the shirt and tie from his body. With his head hung back he breathed heavily with his eyes shut.

  Once clothing no longer covered his skin I let my lips taste and travel along his beautifully fit body. The sleeves were discarded from his wrists and no longer did I have control. Richard took hold of my shirt and lifted it above my head. Then he yanked my pants off, letting them join the growing pile of clothing on the floor. I moved up the bed and Richard followed; his mouth, gently pressing kisses along my legs, hips and stomach.

  I loved foreplay and loved feeling desirable under the gaze of the man I loved. Today was different and I no longer wanted to play around—I was desperate for release. Taking hold of his arm I pulled him down onto the bed, pulled off his briefs, my panties and then positioned my body over his. Richard placed his hands along my hips and slowly guided me down his hard and waiting length. Immediately I cried out, the stress and pressure from the week fading away.

  I needed more. I needed this moment to make me forget and free me from everything that weighed heavily on my tortured soul.

  That was when I began to move, my hips grinding against his, sweat accumulating with our fingers laced together. Richard thrust his pelvis up as I slammed down again and again, my barriers sliding away with every passing minute. Without warning he sat up and kissed me with a force so fierce I felt it through my toes. My arms wrapped around his shoulders while his captured my sides giving him leverage to thrust our bodies together. The movements had me on edge and I could feel the release I was craving build up until finally, with a single forceful thrust I came.

  I cried out, burying my face into his neck while Richard finished seconds later. Our rocking stopped as we regained our breath, letting our bodies calm down from the intense whirlwind of pleasure. Richard wrapped his arms around my back and laid us back against the pillows as we inhaled and exhaled rapidly.

  “Oh, how I love you.” Richard breathed out against my neck. I turned my head to face him and pressed a kiss against his temple.

  “I’m happy you came home, baby. We needed this.” His face twisted toward me while his hand rest against my cheek.

  “Yes we did.”

  We readjusted the blankets and curled into one another. For the first time in so long I felt at peace: body, mind and soul. At least, I wanted to believe that was true. There was an incessant nagging deep in the back of my mind that told me this wasn’t right. I chose to ignore it but something made me wonder if this moment of pure bliss was everything I needed—or just what I thought would make everything go back to the way it was. Or, the way I yearned for it to be.

  The next morning when I opened my eyes I was simply glowing. Richard still snoozed next to me so I knew it had to be quite early still. The alarm clock on Richard’s side table read 7:05 am and even though he didn’t have to get to work this morning, I knew he’d be up soon. He was naturally an early riser but that wasn’t going to stop me from doing something special for him. As gently as I could I shifted my weight away from the middle of the bed to leave without waking him.

  Slippers met my feet, taking hold of my robe from the back of the door I left the room. I slipped my arms through the sleeves as I made my way down the hallway into the kitchen. Every morning I woke up to a fresh pot of coffee and some sort of breakfast set out; even if it was just a bagel, it never went unnoticed. This was my chance to return the selflessness that was Richard.

  I started the coffee, scrounged the fridge for ingredients and bega
n cooking breakfast. I settled on scrambled eggs, bacon, toast and grapefruit. Richard was probably going to eat my half of the grapefruit while I would end up with his bacon. This had to be one of the downfalls of being with a doctor—everything was unbelievably healthy. Eating healthy was more enjoyable now than it was when we first got together but I learned quickly that if I wanted a dessert or something greasy—I’d have to pick it up on my own.

  The bacon was sizzling to completion. I added cheese to the eggs and put the toast into the toaster. Everything was almost ready to go when I heard the bedroom door creak open. My mood deflated minimally, I should have known there would be no way to surprise Richard with breakfast in bed. Oh well, any second he was going to turn the corner into the kitchen and hopefully still be pleased.

  With a smile on my face I pulled the skillets from the flames and waited. I peered around a little to see if Richard had stopped in the hall for some reason. Then the sound of the shower filled the silence. My heart sank even further, why wouldn’t he have come to see where I was? It was his day off and I didn’t need to be to the salon until ten. I refused to let this little hiccup disrupt my good mood and decided I would just…improvise. After insuring the stove was off and the food wasn’t in danger of being burnt to a crisp, I skipped to the bathroom.

  The door was cracked open to allow the steam out and as I pushed the door open, Richard didn’t seem to hear me. My smile grew wickedly, this was going to be a much better surprise. After discarding my clothing I went to the far side of the sliding shower door and carefully pulled it back.

  Richard instantly turned to face me as I shut the door behind me.

  “What are you doing in here, Sweetheart?” My shoulders shrugged as my arms wrapped around his chest, resting my cheek against his back.

  “I suddenly decided I needed to take a shower.” I purred against his skin, letting the water wet my hair and face.

  Richard laughed, “Oh my sweet girl. What are you doing up this early?”