A Broken Forever

by Megan Noelle

  “A lot has happened.”

  For the next half an hour I tried to fill Amy in on everything that we had gone through. The medical bill, car repair, eating at our favorite restaurant, our fight, the kiss, and even the flowers. Her usual sweet and receptive demeanor had completely shifted. Amy was wholly engrossed in my story and I found that simple reaction was making me spill out more details. Once she was completely up-to-date with what was happening within the world of Stefan, it took her another five minutes to be able to get a single word out.

  “That is a lot to process in general, but I can only imagine what it must be like for you.”

  I bobbed my shoulders in a carefree shrug, but my face fell and gradually a substantial weight filled my body. It served as a reminder that no matter how easy it was becoming to pretend for a while, nothing had been resolved. Stefan was still an unsettled part of my past and until I found a way to truly deal with it, I’d never be able to simply forget about him.

  Even this morning I had been lying to myself by thinking things were already fine without Stefan around. What I failed to bring to light was that in a pocket of my wallet sat every single note he had sent. The words were committed to memory the moment I read them, but even more important to consider was the way I genuinely treasured them.

  Just because I was learning how to manage functioning without Stefan as the foreground of my mind, he never went away. Even this morning I experienced the letdown and fear that Stefan would no longer send flowers, with a beautiful note, because he decided I was more trouble than I was worth.

  “Grey?” Amy reached a hand out, resting it on my knee. “Can I speak candidly for a few minutes?”

  There were times I hated when Amy asked me that, but now I understood why. She had the ability to read me and reiterate the deepest emotions of my heart that I could never get out. Her logic and sensical way of thinking always had a way of wording everything I found myself unable to say.

  At this point, the happy façade was pulled away revealing the truth behind the curtain. This all-together woman was in desperate need of answers and reasons for the things that kept me awake at night.

  “Please do.”

  “You are trying very hard to move on, and I commend that, so much. The way you have suffered in your past is more than many will experience in their lifetime. There are many touchy subjects in your life that you long to keep locked away, and that is very understandable. With Stefan though, you have never known how to really move forward with the ghost of that relationship. You have used two different approaches, both of which are the extremes. Up until recently you have forced yourself to shut him out completely. It wasn’t okay for you to think of him, remember him, or even try to understand him. Leaving things unanswered is never a healthy way to move forward. You can’t reset the tracks of your life without first going back and examining where the train fell off.” Her eyes held mine intensely, as if she was gripping onto my soul and speaking directly to all my uncertainty.

  “Ever since you ran into him though, your approached has changed. No longer are you able to push memories and questions to the back when just being near him brings them all into focus. You’re treading this new relationship with extra caution but by doing that, you are not asking the questions your heart needs answered.” Amy’s hand reached out for mine.

  “Grey, you want to be angry with him. You want to punish him and make him tell you why he broke the vow to stand by your side. But most importantly, you are longing to forgive him. Stefan was never just a husband to you, he was your whole world. And whether you want to see this or not—he still is. No one went through what the two of you did. There are many ways for you both to heal the other but it is a difficult subject to approach. This single topic cost you and Stefan everything and the thought of diving head first into that pain again keeps you from trying.”

  My face scrunched as the tears pooled relentlessly. The hand not being held covered my face, providing the blanket of security I craved.

  “Don’t be afraid of your history and don’t give up the fight for serenity. You can have everything you deserve, but only if you let in the pain and learn to forgive yourself. Stefan needs to heal and move forward, just as much as you do. Let your heart open to the good and the bad, and in the end you will learn to truly be happy. No one in this world knows you the way he does, and he is the only one who can set you free.”

  The constant feeling of misery and heartache were taking a serious toll on my mental health. The fluctuating range of reactions I had from one thing to another was making me sick. One minute I was on cloud nine, and the next I was existing in a graveyard of memories unable to breathe. I had tried remedying them with liquor, working more, and even paying a visit to my brother. Every single one came with remorse that spiraled my mood further downward.

  After I left Amy’s office I decided there was only one way I wanted to spend my evening. I picked up a pint of ice cream from the grocery store, and then I stopped by a video store and bought a few of my favorite chick flicks. Normally I wasn’t in the mood to watch this sort of genre, but it was just that kind of night.

  I finally relented that tonight would be for me. There wouldn’t be any notions of ‘healing’ and expecting to wake-up the next morning completely recovered. The instant expectations weren’t going to do me any good. It was high time I stopped treating this situation like one that could be fixed overnight. For the rest of the day I napped, took a bubble bath, and when dinner time rolled around I ordered my favorite greasy pizza, that Richard about gagged at the sight of.

  My hair was scrunched up on top of my head, and I wore some of the best grungy clothes I have ever owned. One chick-flick after another, pizza, and ice cream straight from the container—I was dumfounded with myself for not thinking of this sooner. It may not be a cure for anything but it was just the start I needed to truly find myself.

  Saturday Morning

  Getting up the next morning was much easier than it had been countless mornings before. Besides my slight junk food overload sitting uncomfortably in my stomach, I felt great. I showered, prepared for another long day at the salon, and even squeezed in a phone call with Richard.

  Before I knew it, I was walking into the salon and came to a practically screeching halt when I saw two more vases of flowers. These were just as magnificent as the ones before, but these vases had a little bit of everything. Lilies, orchids, sunflowers, roses, all different colors and sizes. To say Stefan outdid himself would be an understatement. The astonishment that washed over me was quickly noted by Kacie, as she stopped sweeping her station to meet me at the counter.

  With one glance at the look on her face, I knew she wasn’t as believing as she had been the last time flowers arrived. Before she was too close I slipped the cards from the vases, into my pocket and readied myself for whatever was coming.

  “Morning Grey, looks like Richard is once again out to impress you.”

  Offering the most genuine smile I could, I gave a confirming nod. “He’s working a 30-hour shift and we decided to have a date tonight. I guess he’s just trying to make this night as special as he can.”

  “Well, he’s definitely succeeding. Why does he keep sending one vase after another? Wouldn’t it at least make more sense to wait until one set of flowers died before sending more?”

  Why did she have to think so logically? All valid points but since it was all a ruse anyway, I had to stand my ground.

  “I suppose, but Richard’s just trying to be more hands on since our fight.”

  Kacie nodded, but it was easy to see she was far from convinced. “Yeah, I understand all that, but why is he dropping probably around 200 dollars a day on flowers, when he could do something cheaper. I mean, you live with the man, so it isn’t like you don’t see him basically every night, aside from his long shifts.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know.” I hurried off to the break room, but Kacie wasn’t giving up that easily.

  “Grey, is there someth
ing wrong between you and Richard?”

  Out of earshot of clients and other stylists, Kacie wasn’t beating around the bush anymore.

  “Of course not,” I said, spinning around to look at her with as truthful as a confused expression I could conjure up.

  “Yeah,” she crossed her arms over her chest. “I didn’t think so. You want to know what else?”

  This was probably the time when I should have added a snarky comeback, and tried to stop whatever thought process she was barreling down. Instead I stood there, saying nothing and letting her press on full steam ahead.

  “I know, for a fact, that Richard does not, and has not ever called you Greyson Rose.”

  “Why would you think that??”

  “I didn’t think anything of it at first but yesterday, when I was here working, I was examining the flowers and it hit me. It was over a year ago, when you were still living with me and Kari. Richard came by to hang out with me and you to just have a quiet night in. I think you were sick or something and he wanted to see you. Anyway, he showed up with a single pink rose and when he handed it to you he said, a beautiful rose for my incredibly stunning, Greyson Rose. You straight up cringed when he said it, and immediately corrected him. Except you didn’t just say you don’t like that name, or just let it roll off your back which would have been much easier. Your face dropped and you wouldn’t even look him in the eye when you finally said, thank you, it’s beautiful but can you please not call me that? Of course he wanted to know why and you said, it was just a name someone used to call me and I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

  Silence.

  What was I supposed to say to that? Everything she said was the truth; that night was one I remember very clearly, and I could hardly believe myself for correcting him. It was just a name and it wasn’t as if he had ever called me that before. But hearing another man use my first and middle names was something I wasn’t able to handle.

  “The flowers have been from Stefan, haven’t they?”

  My eyes slid to the break room table that still held the first bouquet I received. There was no point lying anymore, nothing I could say would make Kacie believe anything else.

  “Yeah, they have been.”

  The instant her head shook with disapproval, I felt my tongue ready to lash back. “What’s the big deal? He’s sending me flowers, I’m not asking him to, and I’m trying to keep our nosy stylists from running wild from knowing the truth!”

  Her head shook with incredulity, “You are so missing the point here, Grey!”

  “So tell me then!”

  “It isn’t just like he is sending you flowers, it is that you kept this from me. I am your best friend and now know very well that you and Stefan were once in love. I knew you recently had to confront him, so why would you want to hide this? Not only that, but since that first vase arrived, have you let anyone read the cards he sends? You aren’t just hiding this from the stylists, you are hiding it all together.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this, Kacie.”

  I turned away from her, crossed the room to my little locker and pulled out my apron. “This is your problem, Grey. You hide so much shit! All along I thought I knew you, the way I know the curves of Mark Wahlberg’s sexy ass. Then new information just kept pouring out, and I am beginning to realize—I don’t know you at all. If you have a past with Stefan—fine. Figure it out because that diamond ring on your finger means that you have promised to love another man for the rest of your life. And the Greyson I love would never do anything to hurt that amazing man. You need to figure your crap out because I will not stand by and watch as you let everything fall apart.”

  She didn’t bother waiting for me to respond before stomping back onto the salon floor. The engagement ring on my left hand suddenly grabbed my attention, and I knew she was right. Richard was a genuine, wonderful person and the woman he proposed to would never ever hurt him.

  The problem was, the woman he fell in love with had never dared to think about Stefan. But that had not changed the fact that she was still his.

  The day passed slowly and incredibly awkwardly. Kacie and I hardly looked at each other and when another member of the staff would say something to us both—neither would respond. Our behavior was frustratingly juvenile, but I didn’t know what to say to make things better. Finally six o’clock rolled around, Kacie and Kari were officially done for the day and I felt like I was able to stop holding my breath. The salon officially closed at 8:30 so when 8:00 rolled around and there were three stylists, myself included, standing around with no clients—I sent them home. Eloise was happy to finish out the night, while I busied myself with the nightly closing duties.

  The bell chimed on the front door, and I paid no notice. Certain cuts or styles we wouldn’t do after a specific time of night, in order to keep us all from going home extremely late. I was just about to throw on a pair of rubber gloves and take the trash to the dumpster when Eloise called out my name.

  “Yeah?”

  “We have a walk-in, if you have time to take him.”

  My eyes darted toward the wall clock before I answered, 8:15. There was just about nothing that could be completed with the amount of attention we swore to give every client. I set down the gloves and made my way to the front. Just because I couldn’t do anything tonight didn’t mean I was going to yell it out across the salon. Besides, I always tried to give the customers I couldn’t help a chance to set an appointment before they left.

  “I’m so sorry,” I began, but as I came around the wall to the reception desk my heart stopped. My throat grew dry and my knees shook, making me doubt my strength to stand.

  Stefan stared back at me, but this time there was no cocky smile, or know-it-all attitude in place. This was the image of a broken man. Unkempt hair, a beard that was much longer than he normally ever let it grow, and breathtaking deep blue eyes that looked almost lost in his beautiful face.

  “We’re closing.” I said on the breath I had been holding.

  “Please can you make an exception? Just this once?”

  We stood there, watching each other, the only sound was our steadied breathing and the beat of our hearts. Vaguely, I was aware of Eloise’s presence but I couldn’t turn my focus away from Stefan.

  “Eloise,” I pried my eyes from Stefan, and turned my attention to her. “Why don’t you go grab your things? I will finish up here.”

  “Are you sure?” She asked.

  “I am, go ahead. I’ll lock up after you so no one else stops in while I’m cutting his hair.”

  “Okay,” she wasted no time running off to gather her things. Maybe she wasn’t as nosy as others but she definitely knew when to concede and hurry.

  Once Eloise was out of sight I motioned toward the back of the salon where the row of sinks sat. “While I wait for her, I’ll get you seated.”

  Stefan nodded and followed me in silence to the chair. My entire body was tense and my heart was beating so rapidly, someone might think I had just been running for the last few hours. I unfolded a cape and fastened it around his neck. My fingers lightly brushed against the skin of his neck and an instant wave of heart coursed through my body from the point of contact.

  Eloise appeared in the doorway and I held up a finger to wait just a second. She nodded and headed to the door to wait. I turned my attention back to Stefan and felt my breath hitch as I saw how intently he watched every single move I made.

  “I’ll be right back.”

  “I’ll be here.” How words as simple as that could make my heart crumble, was absolutely baffling.

  After letting Eloise out, locking the door behind her, I made my way back to Stefan. I was nervous to be alone with him but relieved there were no prying ears listening to every breath we made.

  “So, what are you looking to have done tonight?” My voice shook as I tried my best to remain professional.

  “Just cleaned up. Little off the top and a little more off the sides. Whatever you think would lo
ok nice. I trust you.”

  I cleared my throat to dislodge the nerves caught inside, sucked up my strength and began.

  “Go ahead and lean your head back into the sink.” My voice stammered, and I hated it. This was what I devoted my life to doing. Yet, as soon as Stefan walked in, I began acting as if my instructor was there critiquing every move I made.

  “Is the temperature okay?” I let the warmer than usual water graze against his head. Most times I made the water lukewarm, and adjusted from there, but I knew how Stefan had always preferred his showers to be almost scalding hot. Just as I always had. The sound of a pleasing groan that emerged from his chest told me I was right in my assumptions. But the little sounds of appreciation he made were distracting as hell. I needed to seriously focus my attention on anything else, or I would undoubtedly make a bigger fool of myself.

  Stefan’s blue eyes flickered open and met mine. “It’s perfect,” he whispered out. I nodded, bit down onto the inside of my cheek, and tried ignoring the way he watched me.

  My hands guiding the water around his scalp, without letting any drip onto his face or clothing. I lathered my hands up with our male two-in-one specialty product. Before scrubbing it into his hair, I blew out a breath my lungs were holding in.

  Anyone who received a wash during their appointment always received a soothing head massage. There were people that came in just for the shampoo and a blowout. It was exactly the relaxing break they needed from their busy week. I found myself hesitating because in all honesty, it was very difficult being this close to him, and at this point I had hardly touched him. Without stalling anymore I began moving my fingers, and the product around every inch of his head.

  Stefan tried to keep his eyes locked onto my face but a few moments in and the sensation overtook him. His eyes rolled back and another even deeper purr from his chest sounded. The pure animalistic, rather erotic noise was almost impossible to ignore. As my hands rubbed and massaged I found myself, for the first time, being taken over by the feeling. Having his hair wrapped around my fingers felt wonderful. That, combined with the soft hums from Stefan, made this lather last five minutes longer than every other time. Finally pulling my hands from his scalp I turned on the water and rinsed until all the product was gone.