A Broken Forever

by Megan Noelle

  Stefan’s eyes closed as the water washed over his hair. The way he laid there peacefully reminded me of the times I used to watch him sleeping. The look of serene beauty was almost impossible to tear my eyes away from, then and apparently, even now. The hose no longer touched his head and slowly his eyes fluttered open to meet my staring gaze.

  Quickly my eyes darted away from him, as my hands reached for a soft towel.

  “Can you please sit up just a bit?” My voice shook, as I tried to hold in my embarrassment from being caught.

  Stefan did as I asked, and somehow refrained from even smirking about my obvious nerves. This was so unlike him, making me realize just how badly he was holding up. I rubbed the towel over his head, drying the length and swiping up the drippings from his neck.

  “We can go back to my chair now.”

  “Alright,” we stood and as I turned back to throw the towel in the hamper, Stefan looked my way. “That felt incredible, by the way.”

  I smiled. “We like to make everyone’s experience at Bella Donna a pleasant one.”

  “Well, so far you have done just that.”

  The feeling of my cheeks growing hot under his praise made me look away once more. Hearing anyone say they were happy with our salon, our services, or anything else of the sort reaffirmed what we did every day. It was a compliment of the highest order in our minds, but none made me feel the way Stefan’s approval had. We made our way back to my station, he took a seat in the chair as I readied my shears and razor.

  “Before I start, is there anything you don’t want me to do to your hair?”

  Stefan shook his head, with his eyes staring at me through the mirror. “I trust you.”

  I nodded, looking away from those intensely mesmerizing deep blue eyes. Picking up my comb I ran the teeth through his hair determining the style cut into place currently. All the way around it was about the same length with exception to the section of hair at the top of his head. It didn’t matter what I did today, Stefan was going to leave looking absolutely incredible. The more I thought of what to do, the more excited I became to see the end result. Before I knew it, my hands were moving of their own accord to create the image painted into my mind.

  With the razor I focused on the sides and back, trimming them up, blending them together; making sure they were visibly shorter than the top. Switching the blade for my shears, I took just a little off the length to clean up the ends and insuring it would lay the way I pictured. A few times I had looked up from my work and caught Stefan’s eyes locked ceaselessly on my face, curiously watching what I did. Neither of us spoke a word, though. The silence wasn’t awkward, it was comfortable and it allowed my nerves from earlier fade away. This was what I knew how to do, and it didn’t matter if Stefan’s presence was off-putting. When I was in the zone, nothing could distract that.

  As the look finished up I knew I had to apply product in order to show everything I had envisioned. I returned the shears to their place and tried to clear away the dryness in my throat so it didn’t crack embarrassingly as I spoke.

  “I’m just about done but I would like to use product to complete the look, if that is okay with you.”

  Stefan nodded once, watching me with a newfound fascination. Maybe he was somewhat impressed since he had never seen me do hair before. It was also very possible that he had been able to receive an entire haircut without me screaming at him.

  “Do you use a specific brand of gel?”

  “No, I usually just pick up whatever I think is going to be best at the time.”

  I nodded, reaching for the product I believed would best suit his hair, and this cut. “I’m going to try out American Crew© Fiber, it is a molding cream that works with all lengths and will help keep the fullness of this look in place. It’s very easy to put in too. I know one of the biggest concerns men, and women, have about using a product is that they will get home and find it much more difficult to recreate than the stylist made it seem. They end up spending twice the time, using double the product and are still not satisfied with the end result.”

  For the first time the corner of Stefan’s lips turned up and his eyes lit up with enjoyment, instead of the painful look in them from before.

  “So, you’re saying this product won’t give me that problem?” Despite the hint of amusement in his voice, I remained ever the professional.

  “Absolutely not, you just get some of the cream in the tips of your fingers and start working it through. Just remember you’re not trying to flatten the top. So, just run your fingers through and almost work the top into a bit of a poof. This will help the hair stay in place and show off the shorter sides.” I did as I had instructed him until finally I felt pleased with the appearance.

  In the end it turned out exactly how I hoped; now I just had to hear if Stefan liked it too. I unclipped the cape from behind his neck, brushed a few pieces of hair onto the floor and pulled it off. Stefan stood once the cape was in my arms and moved closer to the mirror, inspecting my work. Turning his head to see the different angles and running his fingers through the top, he caught my eye in the reflection and nodded.

  “Damn good job, Greyson Rose.”

  My entire face lit up with my responding smile. “Yeah? You really like it?”

  “Absolutely.” For a few passing moments we stared at each other, smiling.

  I didn’t know what to say, and I could feel Stefan hesitating with something as well. If I could have stopped time right now, I would. There was clearly a grander meaning behind this visit than simply getting a haircut. Until this point, I could focus solely on what was in front of me, instead of what was awaiting directly below the surface. No longer could I pretend Stefan was just another customer, and I was terrified to embark on whatever came next.

  “Well, I need to sweep up the salon and take out the trash so I can ring you out now. That way you aren’t stuck waiting for me to be done in order to pay and go home.”

  Stefan shrugged his shoulders, and took a seat back into my chair. “I’ll wait and give you a hand taking the trash out when you’re done.”

  “Stef, please, you don’t have to do that. I’ll be just fine.” I felt the desperation sink into my words; knowing all too well how difficult it was going to be dragging this out even longer.

  “Before I showed up you would have left the salon with your receptionist. Now, it is just you and it is dark out. I’m just assuming the dumpster isn’t sitting in a very well lit area and I refuse to leave you alone.”

  “Stef,” I started to argue but he shook his head before I could get anything out.

  “Don’t waste your time arguing with me. I’m not leaving until you are safely in your car, so go about your final duties and then we will walk out together.”

  I sighed, but didn’t bother fighting back. “Do you want a magazine or something to read while you wait?”

  He waved his hand in front of him, “Nah, not much of a magazine guy.”

  “I wouldn’t guess, considering how many of them you’re on.”

  Stefan’s wicked grin caught my comment, before I even realized I had said it.

  “Have you been checking up on me, Greyson Rose?” Behind the amusement in his question I heard something I didn’t expect—hope. He may have been joking about it, but there must have been a part of him that wished I had been keeping track.

  “I run a salon, Stefan. We have monthly subscriptions to all the tabloids and hair magazines. We receive them for the customers, and anytime you are in it there always ends up being a picture of you on the cover.”

  His head bobbed in understanding at my explanation, and slowly I saw the light slide from his eyes. The hurt that resided within them when he first came to the salon tonight was gradually coming back. I had to look away to keep myself from running to him, throwing my arms around him and doing everything in my power to make him feel better.

  I soon began realizing that the one thing that would make him feel better, was the one thing I deci
ded I just couldn’t give.

  I gathered the trash and set it in one large bag by the back door that we only used at night or in case or emergency. After a few minutes more of silence Stefan spoke up.

  “I see you got my flowers.” I whipped around, and saw him pointing to the bouquets we placed on the window sills.

  “I did, I’m so sorry I didn’t thank you sooner. They’re so beautiful. Thank you, Stefan.”

  His hooded eyes glanced up to meet mine. “Did you like them?” That gut-wrenching vulnerability laced in every word was eating away at me. This was a side of Stefan I had rarely ever seen over the years I had known him. The only time this broken man came out were the few times he thought he was going to lose me and when I awoke in the hospital after the accident.

  My hands folded over my heart as I willed my eye contact to provide the strength my words couldn’t. “I absolutely loved them. Every single morning this week I woke up and wanted nothing more than to come to work and see if more showed up.”

  A smile crossed his lips, but didn’t come close to brightening his eyes. He looked from me down to the floor, “Did you get the cards too?”

  “Every single one.”

  He nodded, his eyes locked on a single floor tile. I watched as his eyes squeezed shut for just a moment. My heart was once again breaking painfully slow. I had never found a love like Stefan’s, but I had never known suffering like the kind he caused in me either. It was for that reason that I decided I truly couldn’t give him anything back…not anymore.

  That logic still didn’t keep the pain from coursing through my veins with every beat of my heart.

  “I’m almost done here, I just need to turn out the lights, and then we can go.”

  Stefan pulled his head up, “I haven’t paid for the cut yet.”

  I shook my head, offering up a smile I hoped would warm his mood. “Don’t worry about it. You’ve paid for my medical bills, my car bills, and sent me hundreds of absolutely breathtaking flowers. The haircut is on me.”

  “Are you certain, Greyson Rose? I have the money for it.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “I have no doubt, Stefan, but I promise it is okay.”

  “Okay,” he smiled, but it was so forced that it looked out of place on his distressed face.

  “You can wait by the back door, I just need to get the lights.”

  I hurried to the front, made sure the door was locked, and flipped off the switch for the front half of the store. When I reached the back door Stefan had the trash bag in his hands. I turned off the lights for the back half of the salon, and opened the back door wide for Stefan to walk through.

  “You don’t have a security system in place?”

  “No, me and my business partner Kacie looked into it but at the time it was more than we could afford. Things have been fine, so I don’t think we need one.”

  Stefan stopped in front of me. “It only takes one tragedy, one night, to ruin everything you have worked for.”

  I gulped down the sudden lump in my throat. “I’ll look into it.”

  “You need to protect the things you love, because if you don’t you could lose it all in the blink of an eye.”

  Stefan worked in security, so I wanted to believe that was all this conversation was about. However, I wasn’t so naïve to trust that the safety of my store was what we were talking about. I had to bite down on my quivering lip to keep myself from falling apart while every past tragedy passed between us.

  “That’s a very valid point.” I hated my lame response, but I just couldn’t get myself to say more.

  “You created something to be proud of, Greyson Rose. Put a security system on it to keep all your assets and property safe and secure.”

  “I promise I’ll get something in place.” He stared at me for a moment before nodding, and heading out toward the dumpster.

  I double checked that the door was locked, released a pent up sigh, and made my way toward Stefan. He tossed the bag into the dumpster and turned back to face me. When our eyes met, I knew the time had come to face it all. In a single moment, his walls came down and I saw before me those tearstained eyes and look of absolute terror. My throat burned as I tried to keep the incoming tears back, and the control in my appearance.

  He shook his head and opened his mouth to speak. Nothing came out. He snapped it shut, ran his hands over his face and when our eyes met, he tried again.

  “I miss you, Grey, so much. I have been an absolute fucking wreck since you left. Everything you said to me in my office I deserved, and I know I shouldn’t be given another chance.” Cautiously he closed the space between us, shaking his head even more. “But I have to have a place in your world.”

  “Stefan—“ He lifted his hand to my lips as there was no more room between us.

  “Don’t just tell me to go. Don’t tell me to forget you, or us.”

  Screaming at him in his office had been almost unbearable but compared to this—it had been a cake walk. This was unequivocally tragic and we had only just begun.

  “Stefan, it isn’t that simple.”

  “Yes it is. Just tell me you’re not going to toss me from your life, now that I just became a piece of it.”

  “It’s too much, Stefan.”

  His hands reached out and took my upper arms in his grasp. “It isn’t! Let me be there for you. Give me the chance to make this right, Greyson Rose.”

  Tears rolled past my barrier. When I stared into Stefan’s face, I saw tears of his own forming.

  “This isn’t going to happen, it can’t.”

  “Says who??”

  Blinking away the tears I answered, “Me. We had our time and that has come to pass. I’m eng—“ Stefan cut me off with a finger over my lips.

  “I know you are, but please, just don’t say it.”

  “Why now? You say you wanted to find me, but you never did. It has been six years since we signed the papers and suddenly you can’t move on.”

  A flame ignited within those sad blues and in an instant we were moving backward until my back was pressed against the salon’s brick wall.

  “I can’t believe you honestly don’t understand! You have failed to realize that it wasn’t like I saw you on the street and decided I’d pursue you again. I have wondered about you every goddamn day, since the fucking second you came into my life. That hasn’t changed!”

  My tears, frustration, and years of suffering were all boiling to the surface and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. “So why could you say goodbye to me then, but not now!?”

  His hands smacked the wall on either side of my head, keeping me locked in his space. “Because I never said goodbye!” He yelled out. Our chests heaved in and out rapidly as our passion mixed with our pain.

  “You signed the papers, Stefan!! How much more of a goodbye did you expect?!”

  “I was able to walk away and deal with life, because in my heart I knew I’d find you again. I knew more was meant for us. So I started putting myself back together and began working every day to become someone that would make you proud. When I saw you again, I knew it was time to get you back! I never imagined you would be engaged, and it didn’t take me long to see that whatever connection we had was holding on by a single fraying string.”

  He took a breath, carefully moving his face closer. Making me yearn for his skin to brush against mine. While at the same time I needed him to back away, so I could attempt to breathe again without taking in his intoxicatingly familiar scent.

  “When you yelled at me in my office and walked away, I knew it was all ending. Turning my back on you was easy when I believed, deep down, that we would find each other again. But when you shut my office door and didn’t return—I realized that we really were over. That every single moment that I had cherished would be nothing more than a fucking memory haunting my every breath. I’m not in a drunken stupor like I was back then, I can see clearly that if you don’t change your mind…that I lost you.”

  I felt my world s
lipping away. Everything he said hit home for me too. I’ve always been secretly waiting for him to one day return. My life had been calculated with the subconscious hope that Stefan would find me. I never became seriously involved with my heart in a relationship. I never moved far from where I knew he was, and I have done nothing but search for reasons to not plan my wedding.

  My heart never said goodbye to Stefan, and even now I knew it didn’t want to. Knees shaking, erratic breathing and an endless stream of tears pouring down my face. Since finding Stefan again, this was the way my body had been, and that was just the outside. I have never been more torn between wanting something and needing even more to stay away. It was absolutely killing me, and from everything I saw of Stefan—it was breaking him.

  Our hearts belonged to one another, that much was undeniable. But it was time I took mine back, and gave him his. There was no other choice—we needed to move on—down separate paths.

  Carefully, I brought my fingers to his face and faintly traced over his temples, down his cheek bones until I reached his chin. Stefan’s breathing slowed and his eyes slid shut, pressing against my touch. My fingers trailed down his neck, wrapping around the base. As the movement stopped, Stefan’s eyes opened, a single tear fell down his cheek but he didn’t break our gaze.

  “You’re letting me go, aren’t you?” I didn’t know how I managed, but I bobbed my head in a single nod.

  Another tear came from his eye as he looked to the ground. “Why, Grey?”

  “Because I have to.” There was more I could say to go into the depths of my reasoning, but I held it back. At this point I could feel him accepting my answer, and piling more on top of this moment would do nothing to heal the wounds within.