Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  ‘There are more and more cases of people who are pure dying after having a bad pint,’ said an HSE spokesperson. ‘The physical signs of a bad pint do not manifest until the following morning, making it hard to pinpoint which of the pints you drank the previous night was the bad one.’

  During our investigation, WWN caught up with bad-pint survivor Phil McGuinness, who is recuperating in his Carlow home following a near-fatal illness brought on by a bad pint he drank at a wedding reception he attended the night before.

  ‘At the time of consumption, a bad pint looks, smells and tastes the same as a normal one,’ said McGuinness, who appeared gaunt and fragile. ‘I’m in the horrors of illness at the minute, so there must have been some bad-pint bacteria in at least one of the fourteen pints I had.’

  The HSE said it was important that anybody displaying the symptoms of bad-pint consumption seek medical help immediately. In 2013 there were 300,00 bad-pint-related illnesses in Ireland, and in most cases the afflicted chose to self-medicate with over-the-counter fried goods.

  Vietnamese farmer ‘delighted’ with new horticulturist job in Irish industrial estate

  A NEWLY ARRIVED Vietnamese immigrant has said he is ‘delighted’ after securing a full-time horticulturist job just three hours after landing in the country.

  Bui Dang Khoa, originally from Ho Chi Minh City, told Waterford Whispers News that he is looking forward to starting his new role later tonight in a Longford industrial unit.

  Speaking through a translator, he told WWN, ‘When my handler opened the shipping container I knew Ireland was going to be a great place to show off my skills as a crop farmer. I can’t wait to get stuck in and do a really great job for my employers.’

  The 44-year-old farmer applied for the position, which was advertised in a Ho Chi Minh newspaper, in a bid to pay back ‘family debts’ owed to some Vietnamese businessmen.

  ‘At the moment they have my sister, so it’ll be great to start earning some money so our family can get her back,’ he said. ‘This new job means I’ll be working twenty-four/seven, but at least I’ll get free board and twenty euros a week while I’m here. Anyway, I’ll be so busy working I won’t get time to spend it!’ he joked.

  Bui is expected to travel to a rendezvous point at 7 p.m., where he and several other ‘horticulturists’ will be transported to the Longford industrial estate in the back of a truck.

  ‘No idea what we’ll be growing as it’s all very hush-hush at the moment. Apparently it’s a big operation, though, so it should be a great experience for me and the other lads that didn’t die in the container on the way over here.

  ‘From what I’ve seen so far, Ireland looks like a beautiful country filled with opportunity,’ he added, before being forced into the trunk of a car by his handler.

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  Before 1990 traffic lights in Ireland had a fourth colour – blue, which meant ‘careful now’.

  Damning new graffiti suggests that Jimmy Macker ‘loves the cock’

  CARLOW TOWN was rocked by yet another sex scandal last night, as a daring, tell-all piece of graffiti discovered in the gent’s toilets of a local pub revealed that Jimmy Macker just loves the cock.

  The statement, made in stark black Magic Marker on the Formica partition of the stalls in The O’Hara Arms, is the first such allegation against 23-year-old local man Jimmy Macker. If proven true, the all-caps proclamation could have dire consequences for the young man’s long-term relationship with his 22-year-old girlfriend.

  ‘I would like to state for the record that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a cock-lover,’ said Macker, whose real name is James McNamara.

  ‘I would like to take the opportunity to refute this utterly baseless accusation. I am in a happy, loving relationship with a seriously fit young one, and have been for a long time. I have nothing against those who do love the cock, but I, personally, do not.’

  Macker’s fervent denial has been scrutinized by the pub’s resident psychology experts, many of whom believe that, on some subconscious level, Macker really does love the cock. With Macker’s PR people imposing a super-injunction on local newspapers, Carlow’s online forums have been flooded with theories as to who the author of the scandalous message may be.

  ‘Cui bono? Who profits?’ mused Phil McGuinness, The O’Hara Arms’ absolute very best customer.

  ‘What we could be dealing with here is either someone out to destroy Macker’s reputation, or somebody whose cock Macker once loved, but has since rejected. It could have been anyone … this could go all the way to the top!’

  Operators admit they hadn’t fed LUAS in days

  LUAS OPERATORS have admitted that they failed to feed one of their Red Line trams, resulting in a rabid attack on a school-girl who thankfully suffered only minor injuries.

  The incident, which saw members of the public band together to free the trapped girl, was just one of many ‘close calls’ with the domesticated LUAS trams that spend their days transporting Dubliners across the city. An investigation into the incident was launched when LUAS operators admitted to neglecting to feed a number of the trams in recent weeks.

  ‘They survive on a diet of old Minis and Dublin Bike Scheme bikes, but they have huge appetites, and we can barely afford to feed them at the moment,’ a LUAS spokesman shared with WWN.

  ‘What a lot of commuters tend to forget is that we have to travel to sub-Saharan Africa to chase down and capture wild LUAS before training them to carry humans. It is advisable that commuters stay vigilant, as they are still wild animals at the end of the day,’ added the spokesman.

  The wild LUAS thrives in wide, open spaces and a tropical climate, but the trams have nonetheless adapted well to the Dublin environment. However, LUAS operators Transdev have admitted that they will have to beef up their recent ‘Never take your eyes off a LUAS’ awareness campaign.

  ‘With better training and care for the LUAS, and a greater awareness among the public, we are hopeful that these incidents will become a thing of the past. We don’t stand clear of the platform just for the craic, you know,’ concluded the spokesperson.

  Yesterday’s incident happened just one week after PETA activists blockaded the Green Line in an attempt to release a LUAS back into the wild. Despite freeing the animal he ultimately found his way back to the depot in Sandyford, seemingly happy to return.

  Priest gets 32 Hail Marys and 43 Our Fathers for sexual assault

  LOCAL PRIEST Father Mícheál Maher has been sentenced to 32 Hail Marys and 43 Our Fathers after confessing to the sexual assault of several young boys from 1982 to 1987.

  During his confession, Bishop Thomas O’Shea said the offences were ‘at the higher end of the scale’ and condemned Father Maher for being ‘very bold’.

  He said Maher exploited his position of trust and that the abuse was ‘probably really bad for the victims’.

  The maximum penance usually ordered is 4 Our Fathers and 3 Hail Marys, but due to the drastic nature of the sin, Bishop O’Shea decided it was best to extend the penance.

  Maher asked the bishop to take into account the fact that he co-operated with God, confessing his sins and frequently praying for his victims while lying naked in bed at night.

  Bishop O’Shea decided not to give any decades of the rosary this time because of the priest’s age. In June 2007, Maher was sentenced to three decades of the rosary for abusing four altar boys.

  ‘I really gave it to him that time. He must have been there praying for ages,’ stated Bishop O’Shea.

  The Murphy Commission’s report into the handling of sexual abuse by the Bishop said that he did ‘everything in his power’ to punish the priest, but it obviously hadn’t worked as he went on to sin again.

  The head of the commission, Mike Murphy, said: ‘Hopefully this time the penance will teach him a lesson that he will never forget.’

  Maher currently lives under the strict supervision of a secondary school in County Kilkenny, where he works as a
P.E. teacher.

  Worrying increase in the number of children being left behind at Electric Picnic

  ORGANISERS of annual music festival Electric Picnic have voiced concerns over the alarming number of children left behind at this year’s festival.

  Cleaning crews have so far located 95 toddlers wandering aimlessly around the Stradbally estate, with the youngest believed to be just 2 years old.

  ‘It’s a lot worse than last year,’ said contract cleaner Thomas Wade in a brief interview with WWN. ‘I’ve found 12 already and we’re not even halfway through the day. Beats dropping them off at the seaside, I suppose.’

  Last year, 67 children were abandoned at Electric Picnic, forcing organisers to erect an ‘adoption tent’ at this year’s festival.

  ‘Funnily enough we were inundated with red-haired kids,’ said social worker Anne Power. ‘Many of the parents were looking to swap their ginger kids for nicer ones, so in the end it all worked out fairly well.’

  The three-day festival, which prides itself on being family-friendly, saw a record number of revelers this year with over 40,000 tickets sold nationwide.

  Parents who may have ‘forgotten’ their children are being asked to contact the site immediately before their child goes through the events processing procedure.

  ‘Children left unattended will be processed 48 hours after being found. It’s very important for parents to get in contact straight away when they realise they have forgotten their child,’ said one organiser. ‘I know of two families from last year’s festival who are still trying to locate their kids on the open market, so don’t be careless.’

  Meanwhile, next year’s Electric Picnic tickets have already gone on sale, for those who still have money to buy them.

  Lifestyle

  Michael Bay to direct 1916 Rising movie

  Deadline Hollywood is reporting that American director Michael Bay’s next film will be a ‘dramatic reimagining’ of the 1916 Easter Rebellion, which was mounted by Irish republicans with the aim of ending British rule in Ireland.

  With Transformers: Age of Extinction in the can, the director has said that he is excited to ‘do to the 1916 Rising what I did to Pearl Harbour.’ Bay is one of the most successful filmmakers of all time, with his movies grossing over three billion dollars worldwide at the box office. The director specialises in high-budget action films, and this latest will no doubt be characterised by heavy use of CGI, fast edits and racial stereotyping.

  Casting for the film is already fully underway with Mark Wahlberg confirmed as Patrick Pearse, Jake Gyllenhaal as James Connolly, model Kate Upton as Countess Markievicz and Tyrese Gibson as Joseph Plunkett, with Kelsey Grammar rumoured to be playing the evil King George V.

  A press release from Bay’s representatives describes the plot devised by superstar screenwriters Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci:

  ‘1916: Ireland is part of the British Empire, ruled by the malevolent King George. Patrick Pearse, James Connolly and Joseph Plunkett are three roguish best friends who run an orphanage in the countryside. Their lives are quiet and peaceful – but when the beautiful and mysterious freedom fighter Countess Markievicz appears seeking shelter one night, the men’s loyalties to each other, and their country, are tested.’

  The movie is slated for an Easter 2016 release with filming set to take place in Hungary this summer.

  Guy sitting next to you on bus listening to his music having ‘a moment’

  Unbeknownst to you, during your daily commute into work this morning, a fellow passenger was having what people commonly call ‘a moment’.

  26-year-old graphic designer Paul Cullen, not content with simply enjoying the precious few minutes of peace before the daily grind, put on his headphones and descended into a deeply existential state.

  As the window next to you fogged up, Paul contemplated the futility of making human connections, and considered how we’re all just tiny brush strokes on the vast canvas that is our universe.

  While you tucked into a banana, Paul, with his music on full volume, thought of the children in Africa and how ridiculous it is that we pay less attention to them than we do to Miley Cyrus. ‘Like, she smoked a spliff in Amsterdam. That was a bit of an obvious move if you ask me,’ thought Paul.

  As your bus passed Donnybrook station, Paul looked as though he was going to cry, but was jolted sharply back to reality as the driver white-knuckled it through an amber light.

  ‘We’re basically just like packed sardines, being ferried in and out of town to earn money for people we’re probably never going to meet,’ Paul thought as he successfully deconstructed the basic tenets of western capitalism.

  As your bus pulled up at St Stephen’s Green, Paul brushed against you as he left his seat.

  ‘Sorry,’ Paul said, but what he really meant was, ‘God if only we could talk without the pretense of wanting or needing something. All our communication is born of function, necessity and selfishness. My name is Paul, goddamn it, and I want to be loved!’

  Completely unaware of all of this, you had a good chuckle when Paul tripped over the kerb as he descended from the bus.

  FAI ask terrible Sunday footballers for their opinion on national team

  The perception amongst those ‘in the know’ is that Martin O’Neill is next in line to manage the Irish team, but it seems the FAI are taking no risks when it comes to the big appointment.

  WWN can exclusively reveal that chief executive of the FAI, John Delaney, is reaching out to fans in the hope that their collective expertise will guide him to the correct choice. Delaney spoke to Ireland’s leading news publication to reveal his plans.

  ‘We are looking for any flat-footed, thick-as-shit fellas who wouldn’t know a ball if it violated them. It dawned on me the other day that the one thing missing from this selection process was the opinions of shite, amateur footballers who know absolutely nothing. I mean literally nothing.’

  The general response from Irish supporters has been one of shock and excitement. ‘It’s been a long time coming, if I’m being honest,’ said Ciaran Walshe, a passionate supporter from Laois. ‘I play every Wednesday in a five-a-side with a few lads in the office, and I’ve scored three – no, actually, four – goals. The lads were coming up with great ideas for the national team, stuff like “play better” and “stop being shit”.’

  Gary Behan, a labourer from Cellbridge, echoed Ciaran’s sentiments.

  ‘About time isn’t it? I’m playing week-in, week-out for the Cellbridge B’s, and up to this point Mr Delaney has completely ignored my thoughts on the matter. My advice would be to get in that guy, name escapes me now, but the lad who managed that Manchester team to thirteen league titles and several European trophies. He’d be perfect – a man who has officially retired from football and was at one of the biggest clubs in the world on about nine mil a year. He’d be the right fit for a national team ranked outside the top fifty who can pay him about two hundred grand and give him a decent fuel allowance. No brainer, really.’

  Delaney went on to confirm that fans consulted will, of course, be allowed to hurl abuse at him at close range during the selection process.

  Diary of a JobBridge intern

  WEEK 33

  Tuesday

  Ciara erased all the digital records of the papers, so I have to scan them all again. Ciara and Paddy fairly tore into me for not having them backed up. I explained about the server, but they gave me an official warning anyway. Cancelled my day off too. Will have to do the tour of Leinster House some other day.

  Wednesday

  Did you know it’s perfectly legal to buy a hunting knife in Ireland? You wonder about this country sometimes, don’t you? Was caught crying in the stationery closet by Paddy. Got a second warning for it which is only fair – I was supposed to be cleaning the kitchen at the time. Looked up Joan Burton online there, don’t think she has any official engagements in Waterford unfortunately. Wrote her a nice, long letter, but ran out of ink so I had to sign it in b
lood. It was a bit smudged because I’m a leftie, but think she’ll get the general message.

  Friday

  Joan still hasn’t responded to my letter. Might write to Enda. Spotted a really good deal on a hunting knife online, if I skip dinner for another week or two I should be able to afford it.

  WHATS ON

  TV PICK OF THE WEEK

  Prime Time: Invertebrates

  Current Affairs: Monday, 21.30 – RTÉ1

  RTÉ’s flagship current affairs programme is hosted this week by invertebrates in an effort to raise money for a number of charities.

  Are You Being Severed?

  Comedy: Tuesday, 22.00 – BBC 1

  2010 remake of the classic 70s sitcom. Eli Roth’s controversial reimagining of the popular series moves it from a retail setting to a dungeon of untold horrors.

  Gays’ Anatomy

  Documentary: Friday, 22.30 – RTÉ2

  Following last week’s Late Late Show, which presented the view that being gay might not actually be all that bad, RTÉ have been forced to air this Iona Institute-funded documentary which gives homophobes the chance to dissect live gay people and have a root around in their insides.

  Issue 18

  WEATHER FORECAST

  Clouds to form Jesus shape over Knock this evening, bringing some much-needed business to the shrine.

  Shatter arrives at Dáil with buns for everyone