Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  Celebrity Angelus

  Religious: Thursday, 18.00 – RTÉ1

  This week sees the Angelus bell’s ‘bong’ replaced by the voice of a celebrity imitating it. This week it’s Dáithí Ó Sé

  Issue 19

  WEATHER FORECAST

  Brief spells of snow on Northern hills, with the possibility of amateur photographers at 100 per cent.

  Investigation underway as Saint Bridget’s Cross sweatshop uncovered in local primary school

  HUNDREDS OF Tipperary parents are said to be outraged today after it was revealed that their children were forced into slave labour by several school teachers over a two-month period.

  Over 300,000 St Bridget’s Crosses were found after a search of the school, which is located at the foot of Slievenmon Mountain.

  Five school teachers were arrested and brought to Clonmel Garda station for questioning.

  The operation was uncovered after a brave ten-year-old boy blew the whistle on the sweatshop.

  ‘We started making crosses just after Halloween,’ said the fourth-class pupil, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘The teacher said if we made thirty crosses every day we would be rewarded with jellies. But that was a lie. It was all a lie!’

  The boy’s parents told WWN that they first became suspicious of the school when they found strange lacerations on their son’s fingers.

  ‘He would sometimes come home with cuts and bruises on his hands,’ the boy’s father said. ‘If only we had paid more attention to him when he said he was being forced to work in a school-run sweatshop. We just thought he was being very funny at the time.’

  At 3 p.m. yesterday afternoon an armed Garda response team stormed the primary school and arrested 15 adults and 4 children.

  The children, who were aged 12 – 14 and are thought to have been involved in the scam, were later released without charge.

  Detectives believe the sweatshop was selling the crosses to the American market, in what is believed to have been a ‘multi-million euro business’.

  ALSO IN THE NEWS

  MEP candidates not sure what MEPs do either

  Off-licence owner who closed five minutes early arrested, jailed

  Internet bully misses the physical connection conventional bullying provided

  ‘I bet everyone thinks I’m really important now,’ says guy who hangs suit in back of car

  A GALWAY CITY MAN has said that everyone thinks he’s ‘really important now’ since he hung his suit and shirt in the back of his 2004 3-series BMW.

  Fintan Casey, who is currently unemployed, told WWN that the suit has been hanging there for over 7 years, and he feels it would be harmful to his reputation if he took it down.

  ‘I know when people pass my car they think: “Wow, that guy must have a really important job or something”,’ said the 42-year-old. ‘Little do they know I’ve actually been on the scratcher for the past five years.’

  Mr Casey was let go from a managerial position in a local call centre in 2008 due to poor attendance and missed targets.

  ‘I outgrew the company and was destined for bigger things,’ he added. ‘Unfortunately the downturn fucked up my plans to set up my own call centre.’

  Since leaving, the grandson-of-four has not applied for any work, stating that there’s nothing out there that’s good enough for him.

  ‘Me bollocks if I’m going to work in McDonald’s or some stupid cafe. Those jobs are only for foreign people who can’t get the dole.’

  Mr Casey said he likes to park his car outside his favourite coffee shop on dole day and watch people’s reactions as they pass.

  ‘They probably think I’m a doctor or an accountant or something,’ he concluded, sipping his espresso. ‘You can’t beat that feeling of accomplishment.’

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  Smoking areas make up exactly 19 per cent of Dublin city centre.

  Excessive twerking leading cause of back pain in under-eights

  A NEW REPORT published today has named ‘excessive twerking’ as the number one cause of lower back pain in children under eight years of age. Acute disorders of the lower back were found to be prevalent in those who practised the common dance move, made famous by pop musicians such as Rihanna, Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus.

  The study was undertaken by the Musical Injury Research Group (MIRG), and also contained details of a German man who suffered a brain haemorrhage following excessive head banging at a Motörhead concert, as well as observations on the high rate of Crohn’s disease among fans of Michael Buble.

  ‘Kids will always imitate what they see on TV,’ said MIRG spokesperson Sonia Blade, referring to the dance move in which the dancer aggressively gyrates their buttocks in a suggestive manner.

  ‘In younger children whose spines have not yet fully formed, this can lead to acute lumbago and even scoliosis in extreme cases. We’ve seen kids coming in here that are bent ninety degrees at the waist, unable to rectify their postures.’

  One such child was 7-year-old Ella Jackson who attended the clinic with her mother Samantha. WWN spoke to Mrs Jackson about her daughter’s painful lower back condition, which she believes was exacerbated following Miley Cyrus’ performances at the O2 in Dublin as part of her Bangerz world tour.

  ‘I brought Ella and her friends to see Miley, and since then she’s been in awful agony,’ said Samantha when asked about bringing her young daughter to see the highly provocative singer.

  ‘All her friends have suffered similar injuries. I think it’s a shame, because they are such big fans of Miley, and Nicki Minaj, and Rihanna … basically any scantily-clad young female singer they see on constant rotation on music channels in the middle of the day. And like any young girls, they imitate their idols, which leads to them suffering these awful injuries.

  ‘But what can you do?’ she mused as her daughter was fitted with a back brace. ‘It’s not like I can do anything to stop them. You don’t want to be the type of parent who tells their kids they can’t do anything.’

  ‘The moon is drunk,’ say astronomers

  IRISH ASTRONOMERS have announced today that the moon is totally drunk and facing the wrong way around. People are being warned not to stare directly at the moon, as it doesn’t like that kind of thing at all.

  Earth’s only satellite showed up twisted in the sky at around 6 p.m. this afternoon, after it was suspected of being out all day.

  ‘I was just on my way home from work,’ said one commuter, who was on her way home from work. ‘I happened to glance up at the sky and I knew something was up the second I laid eyes on it. It was turned around arseways and had no idea what it was doing at all. It was kind of embarrassing, to tell you the truth. Especially with Jupiter so prominent in the sky.’

  Lunar experts believe the moon has been intoxicated since Sunday.

  ‘It was all over the place Sunday night too,’ amateur astronomer Karl Keegan told WWN. ‘Being drunk in public like that is very irresponsible for such a large heavenly body.’

  Meanwhile in Waterford this evening, everyone is asking one other if they have seen the state of the moon tonight.

  ‘It’s the talk of the town, boi!’ said one eyewitness. ‘Who knows what it’ll do next? Crazy moon!’

  The celestial body is expected to sober up later on tonight after settling down in the north west at around 11 p.m.

  Flat 7-Up to be made available by prescription only

  REPRESENTATIVES of the HSE have announced plans to ban over-the-counter sale of Flat 7-Up, making the wonder drug available only with a prescription.

  Available only in Ireland, Flat 7-Up is commonly used to treat a range of illnesses including colds, flu, diarrhoea, migraines, chicken pox, mouth ulcers, period pain, sunstroke, and most minor fractures. The HSE are hoping that tighter regulations on the sale of the drug will curb the number of people self-medicating, which led to over thirty cases of Flat 7-Up overdose in 2013.

  ‘The most recent legislation allows the sale of only two un
its of Flat 7-Up per transaction,’ said Finbar Carroll, chief spokesperson for the Irish remedies division of the HSE.

  ‘But of course, many people have bypassed this restriction by simply going from pharmacy to pharmacy to stock up. If passed, this new ruling will require people to go to their GP for a prescription for Flat 7-Up, and they will only receive one if they really need it.’

  ‘There’s too many people across the country that just go running for the Flat 7-Up without any information on adequate dosing, leading to an increasing number of Flat 7-Up overdoses showing up in our A&E departments every week.’

  Following the unveiling of the HSE proposal, commentators were quick to point out that tighter control on the availability of Flat 7-Up would only lead to increased activity on the Flat 7-Up black market. Some fear that, when their supplies run out, people may attempt to make their own Flat 7-Up at home instead of seeking a prescription.

  ‘Regular 7-Up, whilst not medicinal, is readily available in every shop in Ireland,’ said Dr Malcolm Harper, head of medicinal studies at UCD.

  ‘It’s only a matter of time before someone figures out how to turn regular 7-Up into Flat 7-Up, and then you’ll have a market flooded with knock-off, unregulated Flat 7-Up. We won’t know how potent it is, how pure it is, whether or not it’s been properly warmed up … It may not have any medicinal properties at all.’

  Sales of Flat 7-Up passed the €1 billion mark for the first time last year.

  Celebrity ‘really fucking cares now’ after visiting children’s hospital

  AN IRISH CELEBRITY ‘really fucking cares now’ after visiting a children’s hospital in Cork earlier this week.

  Soap star Patrick McGee was said to be ‘well chuffed’ with the five-minute photo shoot, which took place in one of the country’s biggest treatment centres for terminally ill children.

  The 34-year-old actor, who plays a well-known McCoy’s bar extra in Fair City, was photographed giving a cheerful thumbs-up as a starstruck young boy lay on a hospital bed behind him.

  ‘Yeah, it’s great to give something back, you know? Little what’s-his-face nearly died of excitement when I walked into the ward earlier,’ he said.

  After the shoot, Mr McGee told WWN that he loves children and wants some of his own someday, provided they aren’t sick.

  ‘Children play an important role in our country’s future. These brave little fuckers are fighters, and I just hope I brought a bit of sunshine to their day.’

  Earlier the star hinted that he may travel to Africa some time in the next ten to twenty years to help build schools for underprivileged kids.

  ‘It would be good for my portfolio to get something like that under my belt. Plus, I’ve been told that some of those volunteer chicks are amazing.’

  McGee, who also played a dentist once in a Colgate commercial, urged children at the hospital to be strong and await his return in the New Year.

  ‘Hopefully it will give them something to live for and look forward to,’ he concluded.

  Lifestyle

  Irish rugby supporters warn Heaslip against move to sunny climate with great food and beautiful women

  Following today’s announcement that Sean O’Brien is set to stay within the Leinster set up, Irish fans have urged Jamie Heaslip to reject the repellent possibility of moving to the sunny climes of southern France.

  Heaslip, who has captained Ireland, is reportedly weighing up a move to French rugby giants Toulon. Avid supporters of Irish rugby have pointed out that, despite France’s sunny weather, superior food, beautiful women and rich cultural history, there is no need for the number 8 to consider a move abroad.

  ‘If you discount the 1,435 advantages of moving to France to play rugby, what reasons would he possibly have to leave?’ offered Ted Healy, head of the Leinster Supporters Group.

  With higher salaries paid out to many professionals playing in France, a growing number of current Irish internationals have been tempted to make the move, but Irish fans remain resolute in their opposition.

  ‘And how would you get there, to France like? There’s hardly any flights and sure isn’t flying dangerous? You wouldn’t get the boat either, that takes about eight months to get there,’ shared worried Leinster fan Ger Murphy.

  The Irish Rugby Football Union (IRFU) are similarly worried about players moving abroad – to the extent that they have already taken a number of measures to keep their stars in Ireland.

  ‘We’ve been showing them experimental French films – nudey ones – making garlic bread part of their diets and occasionally talking to them in preposterous French accents just to convince them there’s no need to leave, really,’ an IRFU insider told WWN.

  Katy Perry’s line of vagina perfume sells out in one hour

  Pop sensation Katy Perry has become queen of the perfume market following the introduction of her new fragrance designed specifically for the female genitalia.

  Queues formed in London, New York and Tokyo as the ‘Roar’ singer revealed her new fragrance, Pussy, to her fans.

  The fragrance has proved very popular with the vital ‘creepy middle-aged men’ demographic who traditionally have a lot of disposable income.

  In a press release, the fragrance is described as having ‘a strong base scent of maximising revenue’, ‘top notes of brand management’ and ‘subtle tones of cashing in’.

  ‘The most profitable market for pop stars is often with fans that fall in the “borderline stalker” category,’ shared one market insider.

  Perry, who has already released several non-vaginal perfumes, was at the New York launch to demonstrate how effective the fragrance can be.

  Celebrity perfume experts however, were left unmoved as the first 100,000 units of Pussy took as long as 60 minutes to sell out.

  ‘We’re selling a lifestyle here,’ shared Perry’s business adviser Shaun Loggins. ‘Women around the world will now feel empowered because some guys in a lab threw some smells in a bottle. We’re saying “your vagina can smell just like Katy Perry’s” and I think that is a powerful message.’

  Wicklow Mountains voted Ireland’s best place to dump a body

  The picturesque Wicklow Mountains, with their many streams, lakes and wooded areas, have come first in a new poll of Ireland’s best places to dump a dead body.

  The mountains beat off stiff competition from other impromptu graveyards such as the Bog of Allen and the border of Northern Ireland, and has led fans of the region to coin the phrase, ‘What gets dumped in the Wicklow Mountains STAYS in the Wicklow Mountains.’

  The survey found that the 500-square-kilometre labyrinth of peaks and troughs offered the best possible shallow grave opportunities for both seasoned hit men looking for an area to dispose of rival dealers and informants, and first-time murderers looking for somewhere to quickly dump an ex-partner in a panic while wracked with guilt and remorse.

  ‘Dublin is fast becoming the murder capital of Ireland, so it makes sense that the nearest vast expanse of nothingness would become a popular disposal site for victims,’ said survey conductor Grainne Malley.

  ‘The Wicklow Mountains, with their twisty roads leading to God-knows-where and soft, diggable earth, offer the best options to everyone from feuding druglords to a husband who caught his wife having an affair. There have been bodies dumped there from as far away as Limerick and Cork.’

  The murder-tourism trade has helped boost the local economy, with many shops and petrol stations noticing an uptick in business as hungry assassins stop for breakfast on their way home from a morning of burying remains.

  ‘There’s a lot of nice cafés in the area, and they open early too,’ said notorious Dublin hit man Ian ‘the Machine’ Greene. ‘We normally drop in for scones and tea in the mornings if we’re up dumping some scumbag’s corpse into one of the lakes. The people are very friendly and helpful, which just makes these trips all the more pleasant. I actually look forward to getting orders to drop off some toerag, just to get up here for the fresh
air.’

  The amenities and facilities all factored into the voting as did the many historical and geographical landmarks throughout the area, which are said to be very helpful when recalling where a particular body may be buried at a later date.

  Diary of a JobBridge intern

  WEEK 36

  Not sure what day it is

  Sorry for the radio silence. Today is the first day the nurses have let me use a pencil. Paddy came to visit and said my internship is waiting for me when I ‘recover’ but he would have to keep me away from all sharp objects. The Gardai were in too. I thought it might have been about Mam, but all they said was that Joan and Enda wouldn’t be pursuing criminal charges. Not quite sure what they were on about, but they were nice all the same. It’s all over the front of the papers about an intruder in the Dáil. The nurses won’t let me read the story but I can’t for the life of me remember anyone causing fuss the day I was there. Still no repsonse from Joan and Enda to my letters. Might ring into Joe Duffy about it whenever they let me have my phone back. It’s nice to be out of the office for a while.

  Desperately Seeking

  4 STOCKY DUDES long to be punished in the bedroom. Will happily collect you from anywhere in the country. 086-666-####

  WIDE BRUTE seeks sterilized male for fun and frolics in the sun. Must be willing to commute to Longford. 083-456-####

  Issue 20

  WEATHER FORECAST

  Now is the winter of your discontent.

  Parents outraged as WikiLeaks release Santa’s naughty list

  PARENTS of naughty children around the world were said to be outraged today as WikiLeaks published over 1.5 million names from Santa’s naughty list.

  The list, which was leaked by an unknown source at the North Pole, is said to contain the addresses, ages and bad habits of disobedient children from around the world, which raises questions on how Mr Claus obtained such information.