Waterford Whispers News

by Colm Williamson

  Privacy laws in the North Pole have remained the same for over three hundred years, allowing the bearded giver of presents to freely gather intel on anyone he pleases.

  Last week, parents became increasingly concerned over the leak and pleaded with WikiLeaks not to release the information. However, the list was uploaded by an intern in the early hours of this morning, much to the disappointment of everyone involved.

  ‘The naughty list files were uploaded at 2.56 a.m. GMT by Andy the intern. He did not have any access to emails sent in by concerned parents,’ a WikiLeaks statement read.

  ‘We are truly sorry if this leak has jeopardised the safety of any child. However, if they were not naughty in the first place we wouldn’t be in this mess.’

  The statement went on to say that the decision to publish the list was taken in accordance with its policy of maximising the coverage and impact of its material.

  A red-faced Mr Claus told WWN today that he will increase security at the North Pole and will make a formal apology to parents on Christmas Eve.

  ‘Ho ho holy shit. I can’t believe someone would do this to me. It had to be one of the elves,’ he said.

  Santa added that he will give presents to both ‘naughty and nice’ children this year as a form of apology.

  WikiLeaks have since announced that they will be releasing a two-thousand-page document in March on the poor working conditions at the North Pole, exposing slave labour, unsanitary living quarters and an iron-fisted regime.

  ALSO IN THE NEWS

  Children of divorce really raking in the Christmas presents this year

  Government finally admit ‘Back to Twerk’ scheme is a failure

  Woman earning less than average industrial wage declared a celebrity by the Sunday Independent

  Family of Kim Jong-un very worried about what to get him for Christmas

  FAMILY MEMBERS of North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un are said to be ‘very worried’ about what to get the 30-year-old for Christmas. Aunts, uncles, cousins and friends spoke openly to WWN’s Asian correspondent, Henry Woo, yesterday afternoon about their greatest challenge to date – shopping for a communist dictator.

  ‘He’s so fussy and difficult to please,’ said first cousin, Lee Dongsuk. ‘Last year his uncle bought him aftershave, and look what happened to him.’

  Kim Jong-un had his uncle Jang Song Thaek executed on charges of ‘conspiring with the enemy’, but family members believe there was a more selfish reason behind his decision to execute his close relative.

  ‘Jong-un didn’t like his uncle very much,’ said another family member, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of being blown to pieces by mortar rounds. ‘Song Thaek was terrible at buying gifts and was known in the family for his lousy presents. I remember this one time he got me a fake Tamagotchi key ring.

  ‘Actually, now that I think about it, he probably deserved to die.’

  The beloved leader is said to have expensive taste in clothes and electronic goods, spending large sums of state money on extravagant items such as gold-plated iPhones and Calvin Klein underwear.

  ‘What do you get for a man who has everything?’ Lee Dongsuk asked. To which our Asian correspondent replied: ‘How about a decent haircut?’

  End of Movember sees dramatic reduction in ‘creepy-looking’ men

  1 DECEMBER marked the end of Movember, the month-long metamorphosis men all over the world go through to look like creepy sex offenders, and it was greeted with joy and relief by the women of Ireland whose partners, sons, brothers and friends finally shaved off their impressively unsettling facial hair.

  Raising money for prostate cancer charities in the month of November by growing a moustache has become commonplace in Ireland, but comes at a grave cost for women throughout the country.

  ‘I think it’s great, what Antony did, but I was violently ill every time I looked at him,’ Maura Harrington said of her husband, ‘I thought it was the winter vomiting bug at first, but it turned out I was just incredibly repulsed by my husband of twelve years.’

  ‘About two weeks into Movember my youngest daughter asked me, “why did the bad man kill daddy and replace him with a crude, creepily-moustached approximation?” She had nightmare after nightmare,’ said mother-of-two Clara Daly.

  An online petition suggesting that, next Movember, Irish men should be paid to not grow facial hair has gained support from women all over the country, with initial studies suggesting that it will raise close to 700 per cent more money for charity.

  Meanwhile, following the post-Movember shave, the Nation’s sexual deviants can no longer hide in plain sight and must find more effective ways of disguising themselves.

  WNN FACT OF THE DAY

  The word ‘golf’ is actually an acronym for ‘generic old leathery fuckers’.

  Wind farmers to seek subsidies as cost of a bale of wind plummets

  WIND FARMERS from around the country will meet in Offaly tonight to discuss the continuing price drop of a unit bale of wind.

  The Irish Wind Farmers Association (IWFA) has invited Agriculture Minister Simon Coveney and wind wholesalers across the country to address farmers and listen to their concerns.

  The IWFA wants the minister to work with them in seeking a solution to the current price plummet of €3.67 per thirty litre unit bale of wind.

  Some farmers say maintenance costs of wind turbines can cost as much as €4,000 every year.

  ‘This year’s big storm destroyed four of my turbines,’ said County Cavan wind farmer Paddy Dunne. ‘The government has done nothing to help me or anyone else in this line of work. I’ve had to re-mortgage the house in order to pay for the airtight plastic wrapping for the bales. What happens if we have another big storm this year? Am I supposed to pull the wind out of my arse?’

  Farmers are seeking subsidies from the EU and the Irish government, which would see the cost of production covered until next year.

  Ireland’s largest export market for wind is Dubai, where the unit cost per bale can reach in excess of €9.78. It is estimated that Dubai alone spends €400 billion on wind every year.

  ‘Irish wind has a reputation for being clean and fresh, and that’s why air-conditioning companies in hot countries like Dubai love it,’ added Dunne. ‘If we can’t meet production targets then we could lose our business abroad to our competitors in the UK.’

  England is the largest wind-producing country in the world, but due to a sudden rise in pollution levels this year it is slowly losing out on exports to its counterparts here and on the continent.

  NOTICES

  FROM THE GARDAÍ

  Amnesty declared this weekend for guns, knives, spears, knuckle-dusters, fists, golf clubs and baseball bats. Hand in any and all deadly weapons and face no prosecutions. As with last year, we do not classify children as deadly weapons, so please stop handing them in.

  FROM WATERFORD REGIONAL HOSPITAL

  ‘Ring sting’ caused by eating doner kebabs at 4 a.m. on Saturday morning is not a legitimate illness and will never be treated as such. Please stop presenting yourself to hospital staff every weekend.

  PARISH NOTICE

  Sunday morning Mass this week will start an hour later than normal as Fr O’Brien has been delayed returning from his DJ set at Electric Picnic. Sorry for the inconvenience.

  CASTING CALL

  RTÉ seeks urbane, eloquent and educated elderly men to pose as belligerent, ignorant culchies for episode of popular RTÉ 1 show Nationwide. Must bring own tweed jacket and flap cap.

  Gardaí to keep bale of coke for the Christmas party

  GARDAÍ and navy personnel responsible for a massive drug bust off the coast of County Cork are planning to ‘split’ a bale of cocaine between them for their upcoming Christmas party, it has been revealed.

  The cargo of drugs, with an estimated street value of €88 million, was found on board a 60ft yacht after it was stormed by armed units. The vessel was towed to Haulbowline naval base in Cork harbour
, where forty-one bales of the class A drug were unloaded onto the pier for a brief press opportunity.

  Speaking at the scene, National Crime Agency spokesperson Gerald Grogan told WWN that they plan to round the figure down to forty bales – just under one ton of Columbia’s finest.

  ‘I can’t feel my face,’ said Grogan, who admitted to sampling the shipment in a test for purity. ‘Seriously man, do my eyes look funny to you? It would be best if we kept that odd bale for the Christmas party. There’ll be some pints drank that night!’

  ‘I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know…’ Grogan added, while warming up for a jog.

  The three men arrested on board the yacht are currently being questioned at the Bridewell station in Cork city, where they can be beaten for a total of seven days.

  Gay Byrne cryogenically frozen between TV appearances, admits RTÉ

  RTÉ CHIEFS were reportedly so afraid that Gay Byrne would die 11 years ago that they made plans to have his body frozen and thawed out ‘when needed’ for television appearances.

  The Irish radio and TV presenter, who retired from presenting The Late Late Show in 1999, agreed to be frozen shortly after he started recording the hit TV game-show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

  ‘I was quite bored when I left The Late Late Show,’ Mr Byrne told WWN in an exclusive interview. ‘Then, out of the blue, RTÉ gave me the opportunity to be cryogenically frozen.’

  Cryopreservation is the process where individual cells or whole tissues are preserved by cooling to sub-zero temperatures (typically -196 degrees, the boiling point of liquid nitrogen). At these low temperatures, any biological activity, including the biochemical reactions that would lead to cell death, is effectively stopped.

  An RTÉ chief executive defended the €112 million project today, stating that it is in the country’s best interests that we keep ‘Uncle Gaybo’ alive for the next 40 years or so.

  After Mr Byrne finishes recording The Meaning of Life series he will be flown to the US, where he will be cryogenically frozen until his next big gig.

  Much the same as a listed building, Gay Byrne became Ireland’s first ever ‘listed person’ in 2001.

  Lifestyle

  ‘Mad bastard’ buys himself novelty Christmas jumper

  Local ‘mad bastard’ John was out doing some early Christmas shopping yesterday when he spotted a shop selling hilarious novelty jumpers, WWN can reveal.

  Always ‘up for a laugh’ and constantly telling priceless jokes, John picked up a jumper with – wait for it – ‘Gangster Santa’ on it. The fucking legend proceeded to take a picture of the jumper and send it on to a few friends before trying it on.

  John pictured how his friends would react to the jumper and had a right good chuckle.

  ‘A novelty Christmas jumper, no one will see that coming,’ he thought, as he handed €30 over to the retail assistant, who seemed slightly less enthusiastic about the purchase.

  John continued to walk around town with the gangster – or should that be ‘gangsta’ – Santa jumper in a carrier bag. ‘These fuckers don’t have a clue how funny I am, if only they knew what was in this bag,’ he thought, as he walked past other shoppers on the street.

  ‘Why aren’t more people buying these things? I’ve seen, like, no one wearing them,’ John thought to himself on the drive home. At that moment, he received a text from friend Brian in response to his hilarious picture. ‘Haha, a smiley face. Classic Brian!’ John said aloud to nobody. It is believed that John will wear the jumper several times over the Christmas period.

  WATERFORD LAD

  ‘There’s gonna be a drought on over the Christmas so best get your smoke now’

  Local correspondent and Waterford Lad Jamie Lonergan has warned the general public today about a Christmas cannabis drought in the city, and suggests that you get your smoke now before it’s too late.

  The 22-year-old made the claims outside Supermac’s earlier this morning, while meeting a few lads who were on their lunch break from school.

  ‘There’s been a few major heads busted over the last few weeks and they’ll probably be inside during the Christmas,’ he warned. ‘Best bet is to get a couple of ounces now to tide ye over till the New Year.’

  The horticultural expert also advised drug users to ‘stay wide’ of the ‘five-O’ during this year’s celebrations, as they are expected to be ‘out-inforce’ looking for anything suspicious.

  ‘Them fellas do be lurking in the shadows, boi!’ he explained to his friends. ‘You wouldn’t see them till they were pinning ya to the wall. I always sew a sock into me jocks and keep me stash there. Never keep anything in your pockets or your shoes. It’s too obvious, lads.’

  Mr Lonergan, whose older brother was arrested for dealing two years ago, told WWN that he will be buying a ‘daycent’ amount of smoke over the next week, but won’t be keeping it in his house.

  ‘Ye can never be too careful these days,’ he said. ‘I have a few hiding places near the gaff that I’d use.’

  Last year the son-of-two mistakenly left a half-bar of hashish he got ‘on tick’ in his neighbour’s garden, and it was subsequently destroyed in the rain.

  ‘It was like mush, it was,’ he recalled. ‘I thought the plastic wrapping was enough to keep it safe. I still owe your man money for it. I’m still duckin’ and divin’ him. The fucking dope!’

  ‘Too cold to leave warm bed to take pee’, confirms hungover Waterford man

  A hungover Waterford man announced today that it is ‘too cold to leave his warm bed to take a pee’, and that he will hold in his urine until he has no choice but to go.

  Cormac Holden told WWN that his bathroom is probably absolutely freezing at the moment, and that he would have to walk on the cold, tiled floor in his bare feet.

  ‘I just came straight in the door and went to bed last night, leaving my slippers downstairs,’ said the 33-year-old. ‘I’m bursting to go, but if I turn on my side it’s not too bad.’

  Mr Holden thinks he will get another good hour in bed before being forced to answer the call of nature.

  ‘It’s all about training your mind to think about something else,’ he explained. ‘Normally I’d have an auld hand shandy in the morning, crack one off like, but judging how full I am I think it would be a bad idea.’

  The freelance PlayStation gamer believes he last took a pee at 1 a.m. this morning before leaving his local bar. Sources say Mr Holden then went to the chipper, where he bought three battered sausages, a garlic cheese chip and a bottle of Coke.

  Owner of the take-away restaurant, Tony Bologna, said the Coca-Cola may be to blame for Cormac’s current state of affairs: ‘Coke is just like coffee – it goes right through you, and if you drink it before going to bed you could be left with a very full bladder in the morning.’

  Experts believe the current temperature in Mr Holden’s bed is just over 28 degrees at the moment, compared to the bitterly cold 14 degrees in the bathroom.

  A very restless Mr Holden concluded, ‘That kind of temperature drop could kill a man in my state. Best take things easy for a while; ease into it, like.

  ‘I think I’ll invest in a bed-pan during the week.’

  Diary of a JobBridge intern

  WEEK 40

  Haven’t had much time to write as I’ve been recuperating, but now I’m back where I belong in the WWN headquarters. I got a bit too big for my boots for a while there – all that ‘legal moralism’ from those left-wing, anti-JobBridge nuts just sort of confused me, I guess. Paddy and Ciara have been really good to me since I got back from ‘my incident’. I call it my incident but Terry and Julius are calling it ‘why Trev went fucking bananas’. They really are a laugh-a-minute, haha. I’m determined to make up for everything and shake the image the others have of me not being a hard worker, so I volunteered to man the offices over Christmas. Well, it was a compulsory volunteering of sorts – basically Paddy said that after ‘my incident’ I’d have to make up
for all that time I had off. I don’t fancy being at home for Christmas without Mam anyway, and besides, the office has become a kind of home away from home.

  WEEK 41

  The WWN Christmas party was fantastic! Or so the guys tell me – someone has to man the ship when everyone else is gone. Terry left me close to 20 ‘I’m sorry’ voicemails, haha, what a basket case. Obviously a good night had by all.

  WEEK 42

  Johnny Ryan turned up WITH his pants on at the office, asking me if I wanted to have Christmas dinner with him! Strange, strange man that Johnny Ryan. I told him I’d be working on Christmas Day, but even if I wasn’t, Christmas was a time for family. It got weird then, because he started to cry.

  Christmas Day

  Merry Christmas! Not much to be done around the office so I just cleaned the toilets twice. I have a great feeling that 2015 will be my year. I’ve learned so much here in WWN towers and worked with so many great people. My second year of JobBridge will be the key to finally getting that permanent position – I just know it!

  Thanks

  I would like to thank my parents Anne and Pat Williamson who brought me here; my sister Holly who has been spreading the WWN word on the street; all my relations; and my son Lukas and the woman in my life, Ally Grace, for supporting me and making my world a better place.

  Thanks to all the one-off contributors to WWN over the years, including Steven Stubbs, Dean Murray and Owen Colgan.

  I would like to also thank everyone who helped out in making the WWN videos: Kieran Doyle, Ciaran Mullaly, Matthew Reilly, Neil McGrath, Ian Noctor, Alan McCabe, John Deady, Conor Nolan (FilmLab Waterford) and all those who played roles in the series.