The Dilemma

by B. A. Paris

  I excuse myself to Jeannie and Paula, intending to go to him. But Nelson beats me to it so I make my way over to Josh and Amy instead.

  ‘Hello, Amy,’ I say, aware that Max has moved away. ‘It’s lovely to see you. I didn’t think you were able to come.’

  ‘Happy birthday!’ she says, hugging me. ‘My mum told my grandfather about your party and he insisted I came. He said that at his age it didn’t matter if we didn’t celebrate his birthday on the day so we’re having his party tomorrow afternoon instead.’

  ‘That’s lovely of him. Well, I’m very glad you’re here.’

  ‘I’m not sure Mr Harman is,’ she says, the frown returning to her pretty face.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Just that he didn’t seem very happy to see me.’

  Josh turns to me. ‘You didn’t tell him, did you, Mum?’

  ‘No, of course not.’

  ‘Well, he must have found out somehow. There’s no reason for him to have been off with Amy otherwise.’

  ‘Why don’t you go and speak to him?’

  ‘What, now?’

  ‘No time like the present,’ I say lightly.

  ‘He’s going to be so disappointed,’ Josh mutters.

  ‘He’ll understand.’

  ‘I’m not so sure.’

  ‘You won’t know until you talk to him.’

  ‘Go on,’ Amy says, giving him a little push. ‘You may as well get it over and done with.’

  He goes off reluctantly and feeling eyes on me, I realise that Max wants to speak to Amy and is waiting for me to leave.

  ‘I better go and circulate,’ I say, giving Amy a quick smile. ‘I’ll see you later.’

  I turn away and see Rob only yards from me. I want to run, but like a rabbit caught in the glare of a car’s headlights, I don’t seem to be able to move. And then Max, coming over to talk to Amy, walks clumsily into Rob with his rugby-player build, and knocks him momentarily off balance.

  ‘You drunk already?’ I hear him say good-naturedly to Max, because that’s Rob, everyone’s best friend. I don’t stay around to hear the rest of their conversation but duck into the empty marquee, needing a few minutes on my own.

  I press my palms to my face, feeling the heat in my cheeks. I must have been mad to think I was going to be able to avoid Rob this evening. At some point we’re going to come face to face. He’s not going to stop seeking me out because he won’t know why he shouldn’t. What I should have done, I realise with hindsight, was email him yesterday and tell him not to come tonight, to pretend he was ill so that Jess could still come, because I know about him and Marnie.

  But he’d have told Marnie that I know, and I need to speak to her, to get her side of the story before Rob tells her what to say, before she has time to prepare to lie about how and when it all started, if only to protect Rob. And while she’s caught unawares, I want to ask her if she realises the full extent of what she’s done, because I can’t believe that she does. I can’t believe that she’s gone into this relationship with Rob with her eyes wide open. She can’t have realised that once their affair becomes common knowledge, Adam will never speak to Rob again, which will affect his friendship with Nelson. She can’t have realised that Nelson might never speak to Rob again, which will affect their whole family. She can’t know that Jess might never speak to me again, or realise that Kirin’s loyalties will be torn because Jess is her sister-in-law. She can’t know that Josh will be horrified at what she’s done, or realise that for Cleo to know her best friend is having an affair with her father will be devastating. It isn’t possible that Marnie has realised any of this, because if she has, I don’t think I could ever forgive her.

  9 P.M. – 10 P.M.

  Adam

  ‘Dad?’

  I turn my attention away from Izzy. ‘Yes, Josh?’

  ‘Sorry to interrupt. Aunt Izzy, can I borrow Dad for a minute?’

  ‘Sure. And make him take something for that migraine. He looks terrible.’

  ‘Shall we go to your shed?’ Josh suggests.

  As I turn to follow him, I see Amy talking to Rob and Max, and notice that although Max seems to be listening, he’s actually staring over their shoulders at something or someone. I follow his eyes and see that they’re fixed on Livia, who is disappearing into the marquee. The way he’s looking at her makes me pause, throws my mind off balance. What is going on with Livia and Max?

  ‘Are you coming, Dad?’

  We push our way into the shed. Josh leans back against the workbench, his arms folded in front of him. I remember now that I’m meant to have found a photo of the ring to give Livia.

  ‘I didn’t find one,’ I say.

  ‘What?’

  ‘A photo.’

  He takes a really deep breath. ‘Sorry Dad, but I’m not going.’

  ‘Not going where?’ I say. Does he really think that I want him to go and pick up the ring, even though the shop is shut?

  ‘To New York.’

  ‘New York?’

  ‘Yes. I don’t want to take up my internship.’

  It’s so far removed from what I thought he was going to say that it takes me a moment to catch up.

  ‘Right,’ I say. ‘OK.’

  He pushes away from the bench and begins pacing up and down. ‘I know you must be disappointed. And I know my reason for not going is a bit pathetic. The thing is, I love Amy and I don’t want to be apart from her for a year. It’s been hard enough these last six months with me in Bristol and her in Exeter.’ He gives an embarrassed laugh. ‘I think she’s the one, Dad, I really do. I know I’m only twenty-two – well, nearly twenty-three – and I haven’t known her very long, but there’s something about Amy—’

  ‘Josh,’ I say, stopping him. ‘It’s fine. It’s not a problem. If you don’t want to go to New York, don’t go.’

  He stares, relief washing over his face. ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes.’ I swallow painfully. ‘Life’s too short. Just do what makes you happy.’

  He shakes his head slowly. ‘You wouldn’t believe how worried I’ve been about telling you.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because you found me the internship.’

  ‘That doesn’t mean you have to take it.’

  He runs a hand through his hair. ‘I must seem so ungrateful.’

  ‘Not at all.’ A wave of exhaustion comes over me. ‘Look, can we talk about this later? I don’t know – maybe Bill can switch your internship to London – I presume that’s where you want to be, near Amy?’

  ‘Yes. Marnie is with me on this one, by the way. She says it’s not worth going abroad if I spend most of my time there being miserable.’

  Marnie. ‘Let’s talk tomorrow,’ I say. ‘We’d better get back out there.’

  ‘I need to go and find Amy. She thinks you’re annoyed with her, that you think it’s her fault I don’t want to go to New York.’

  ‘Then please tell her I’m not.’

  He looks at me curiously. ‘So why were you off with her when she arrived, if you didn’t know?’

  ‘It’s this migraine, that’s all.’

  ‘Thanks, Dad.’ He comes over and gives me an unexpected hug. ‘You really are the best.’

  He leaves and I stand there, trying to process what he just told me. It seems so unimportant compared to Marnie. Would I really have been disappointed – bitter, even – if he’d told me any day before today that he wasn’t taking up the internship? Probably.

  I leave my shed. I’m desperate to know what time it is, but for the first time tonight, I can’t face checking my phone. Amy arrived around eight thirty-five, that I know. Then I was stopped by Nelson, then I spoke to another couple of people, got them a drink, made sure Jess was alright, got her and Kirin a drink – all that must have taken thirty minutes. Then Izzy cornered me, for at least ten minutes, then Josh for another ten. It must be around half-past nine. In the world I inhabited before, Marnie would have arrived. I’d have got her text to
say she was at the gate, I’d have met her at the side door and after a quick, secret hug, I’d have taken the box from under the table and helped her into it. And now, right now, we’d all be down on the terrace.

  I walk across the lawn, vaguely aware of Livia disappearing into the house with Max. I keep my eyes fixed ahead so that I don’t get ambushed by people wanting to chat, and when I get to the top of the steps, I pause. In my mind, I see everyone gathered on the terrace below, waiting for Livia to open her present. I’m standing next to her and as she bends to open the box, Marnie springs out. Everyone is laughing and exclaiming and Livia, after hugging Marnie until they are both in tears, throws her arms around me and tells me it’s the best present ever. I see everything. And then I see nothing.

  Except – someone is coming in the side gate, pushing it slowly open. My heart starts racing, just as it did when Amy rang on the doorbell. Don’t get your hopes up, I tell myself. You’ll only be disappointed. But I’m already running down the steps and across the terrace.

  I get to the gate and jerk at it, the wood sticking as I pull it open. And then I stop. Because it’s not Marnie. My body slumps against the wooden panels. I bite down hard on the inside of my mouth until I taste blood, and stare at an older woman I’ve never seen before.

  ‘Hello, Adam,’ she says and, recognising her voice, I realise that I’m looking at Livia’s mother.

  ‘Patricia,’ I say dully.

  ‘I received your letter.’ She waits for me to say something. ‘And an invitation for tonight,’ she says when I don’t respond. ‘I’d like to see Livia, if that’s all right.’

  A wave of panic sweeps through me. Is this something else I’ve got wrong? What if Livia doesn’t want to see her mother, not here, not now, not at her party? And what if her mother hasn’t come to make peace, but to cause more trouble?

  She tries again. ‘I won’t stay long; I have a car waiting for me.’

  ‘I don’t want any trouble,’ I say, finding my voice. ‘It’s a special day for Livia.’

  ‘Yes, I know.’

  ‘No, you don’t know,’ I say roughly. ‘This party is to make up for the wedding she never had.’

  Her face flushes. ‘I wish things could have been different.’

  ‘So why are they now?’

  She holds my gaze. ‘Her father died a few months back.’

  She doesn’t say anything more but it’s enough. Livia’s father was a domineering bully and when I think about it now, he was the one who told Livia they didn’t want anything more to do with her. Maybe her mother didn’t have a choice. I look at her more closely. It’s not surprising I didn’t recognise her. Her hair was always pulled back in a severe bun, now it hangs to her shoulders in soft waves.

  ‘I’m not sure today’s the right time to tell her,’ I say, wishing more than ever that I hadn’t written that letter.

  ‘I’d still like to see her,’ she says, standing her ground. ‘Josh and Marnie too, just to say hello. Has Marnie arrived yet?’

  Livia

  The best thing about so many people being at the party is that nobody has noticed I’ve been missing for a while. I might have stayed in the marquee longer but Liz and her team started bringing the food in and now people are serving themselves. I duck out of the marquee and take a quick look around. Josh is with Amy and Max, and Rob is thankfully nowhere to be seen. But safety is in numbers, and spotting a group of my work friends chatting together, I go over. At the same time as I’m encouraging them to go and have something to eat, I’m wondering how Adam took the news that Josh doesn’t want to go the States. Fortunately for Josh, his dad’s disappointment will soon be trumped by something bigger.

  During my time alone in the marquee, I was trying to work out whether it would be better to wait until we’re in France to tell Adam about Marnie and Rob. I have visions of him jumping on his motorbike and riding off to find Rob, then beating the hell out of him, and although the thought is viciously pleasing, I can’t risk him doing that. If we’re not in the same country, the fallout will be less immediate, so hopefully less traumatic for everyone. And again, there’s that thing – if I tell him as soon as the party is over, he’ll think I didn’t tell him before because I wanted it to go ahead, no matter what.

  I look around and see Cleo sitting on the wall, taking a rest from dancing. I go over and sit down beside her.

  ‘How’s my favourite goddaughter?’ I ask, putting my arm around her and giving her a hug.

  ‘Happy birthday, Livia,’ she says, hugging me back. ‘Are you having a nice day?’

  ‘The best,’ I tell her.

  ‘I’m sorry I didn’t come and say hello when I arrived but you always seemed to be with someone.’

  ‘No-one as important as you. Thank you for coming. It’s bad enough Marnie not being here.’ I know I should ask her if she had a nice time in Hong Kong because it will be strange if I don’t, but I hate that the only reason Rob took her there was so that he and Marnie could be together.

  ‘Did you have a good time in Hong Kong?’ I ask anyway.

  ‘Yes, it was lovely to see Marnie, although she was at uni more than I expected. And Dad ended up having to work so I spent a lot of time on my own.’

  How could you, Marnie, I think, how could you?

  ‘So, how’s life?’

  She pulls a face. ‘I think Charlie might be cheating on me. Otherwise, everything’s fine.’

  ‘Oh, Cleo, I’m sorry. Do you want me to sort him out for you?’ I add, trying to lighten the moment.

  She smiles. ‘You sound like Dad.’

  She couldn’t have said anything worse. Rage rises inside me at Rob threatening to sort out his daughter’s boyfriend, who might or might not be cheating on her, when he’s having an affair with my daughter – his daughter’s best friend.

  ‘I love your dress,’ I say, to hide the fact that I’ve stood up abruptly. ‘I’d better go and find Adam, I’ve barely seen him since the party started. He keeps doing a disappearing act.’

  ‘Mum says he’s got a migraine.’

  I nod. ‘Maybe if I can get him to eat something, he’ll feel better. I’ll catch you later.’

  ‘Enjoy your party!’ she calls after me.

  ‘Thank you!’

  I move to the centre of the lawn and slowly turn myself in a circle, hoping to spot Adam. An arm snakes around my waist.

  ‘Hello, birthday girl. Have you been avoiding me?’

  It’s here, the moment I’ve been dreading. My flesh crawls at the touch of his hand. He’s always been a flirt – maybe another reason why Adam doesn’t particularly like him – and although it bothered me for Jess, I always went along with it. It’s how Rob is, how he’s always been. But now I’m overwhelmed with disgust at the thought that he has touched me, hugged me, and kissed me in that lingering way of his, when he was also touching, hugging and kissing my daughter. White-hot anger flares inside me. I wrench my body round, dislodging his arm roughly.

  ‘Hey, what’s up?’ he asks, looking at me in confusion.

  The urge to lunge at him, slap him, scratch him, scream at him is stronger than anything I’ve ever felt. I take a step towards him, my teeth and fist clenched. But before I can do anything, someone takes hold of my wrist and pulls me back, away from Rob.

  ‘Sorry, Rob.’ Max’s voice comes from behind me. ‘Livia is needed in the kitchen. Something to do with the desserts melting, apparently.’

  Rob presses his hands together in a prayer. ‘Please don’t let anything happen to the desserts, Livia. You know how much I love a good pud!’

  It’s incredible the way he’s able to tell himself that the look on my face couldn’t possibly be anything to do with him, because isn’t he such a good guy and anyway, nobody could possibly know about him and Marnie because everyone is gullible enough to take both him, and what he says, at face value.

  I’m still seething as Max walks me to the kitchen. There’s no sign of Liz.

  ‘She must be in t
he dining room,’ Max says, leading me through. She’s not there either, but my thoughts are too full of Rob to register that anything is wrong until Max closes the door and leans against it, stopping anyone from coming in.

  ‘What are you doing, Max?’ I ask. But I know what he’s doing, I just can’t believe that he’s chosen my party to ask me why I’ve been off with him for the last few months. ‘I really need to get back out there.’

  He doesn’t say anything, just looks at me, his blue eyes boring into me, weighing me up.

  ‘Look, I’m sorry if I’ve been off with you lately,’ I say impatiently. ‘I’ve just been defending Marnie because I know the two of you have fallen out. I know I shouldn’t take sides, but Marnie’s had a bit of a difficult time lately and I thought—’ I stop, because how can I tell him that I thought he and Marnie were in a relationship?

  ‘Go on,’ he says.

  ‘I thought maybe you wanted a relationship with her and she didn’t,’ I say.

  Max frowns. ‘Gross. Marnie’s like a sister to me. Which is why I’m so bloody angry with her!’ It bursts out of him. ‘I know, Livia. I know about her and Rob.’

  My heart misses a beat. ‘What do you mean?’

  He looks at me in alarm. ‘Oh God, don’t tell me you don’t know. I thought, because of the way you’ve been avoiding Rob all evening, and the way you looked as if you were about to kill him just now, that you knew.’ He runs a hand through his hair. ‘Shit.’

  I lay a hand on his arm. ‘It’s OK, Max, I do know. I just didn’t think that anyone else did. How did you find out?’

  The relief that washes over him is quickly replaced by anger. ‘I went to surprise Marnie once in Durham and I saw them together.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘About a year ago. Maybe a bit more – March, I think.’

  Not long after Rob began spending two days a week in Darlington, I realise bitterly.

  ‘Why didn’t you say anything to me or Adam?’

  ‘Because when I asked Marnie about it, she said I’d made a mistake. When I told her what I’d seen, she said it was a moment of madness and that it was all over. And I believed her – until last December, when Josh mentioned that Rob’s company was sending him to Singapore for a week. I know it’s not that close to Hong Kong but it made me suspicious, because why was he suddenly going to Singapore? I looked up the company and they do have offices there. But it still didn’t feel right; I couldn’t stop wondering if he was going to see Marnie, so I emailed her and asked if I could visit her around the time of Rob’s trip to Singapore. And she did everything to put me off, telling me first that she had to work on her assignment, then that she was going away.’