The Dilemma

by B. A. Paris

  Remembering how Marnie had involved me in that particular lie, I close my eyes. I don’t want him here, she’d said, which had made me think that Max was the father of the baby she’d lost. Had she’d known I’d jump to that conclusion, had she said it on purpose so that I’d lie for her?

  ‘I ended up phoning Rob’s work, the week he was meant to be in Singapore, asking to speak to him,’ Max goes on. ‘They told me he was away on holiday. So, I phoned Marnie and asked her straight up if he was with her. She said – I’ll give you the polite version – that it was nothing to do with me, and hung up on me. I haven’t spoken to her since.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Max,’ I say helplessly.

  ‘I knew I should say something to you, but I couldn’t. I mean, Marnie was right, it wasn’t really my problem and I didn’t have actual proof that he was there.’ He pauses. ‘How long have you known?’

  ‘Since he and Cleo went to see Marnie for Cleo’s birthday. I FaceTimed her and saw him, in the background, he was—’

  I stumble over the memory and the word naked. ‘She doesn’t know that I know. I need to speak to Adam first.’

  ‘Why haven’t you? Sorry, but I couldn’t believe it when I asked Josh if Rob and Jess were coming tonight, and he told me they were. I thought that neither of you must know, especially when I saw that Adam was alright with Rob. And then I saw that you weren’t. I’m glad Josh doesn’t know; he’d probably kill Rob. Even I want to kill him.’

  ‘Adam will too – which is why I’m worried about telling him. It’s not only that, though, it’s also Marnie. Adam is going to be devastated. She’s always been up there on a pedestal for him.’

  Max shakes his head. ‘I can’t believe she’s been so stupid. Sorry,’ he says, looking guilty.

  ‘Don’t apologise, I’m furious with her too.’

  ‘You are going to tell Adam, right?’

  ‘Yes, once the party is over. I just wanted us all to have this one last time together.’ He nods, but I’m not sure he understands.

  ‘I’m scared of what it’s going to do to us all,’ I say, moving towards the door. ‘I’d better get back out there. And thanks, Max, for stopping me from breaking Rob’s face. I will at some point – but my party isn’t the time or place to do it.’

  I walk back outside and see Adam at the side gate, talking to an elderly woman, and I hope she hasn’t come to complain about the noise. I pushed a note through the letterbox of every nearby house, warning them that there would be music until 2.00 a.m. Adam looks as if he needs rescuing, so I go over.

  ‘Adam?’ I say. ‘Is everything alright?’

  10 P.M. – 11 P.M.

  Adam

  I make my way back to Livia’s mother, who I’d left at the side gate while I went to find Livia.

  Remembering that I’d seen her going into the house with Max a few minutes before, I headed inside and heard them talking in the dining room. I was about to open the door when I heard my name, Max saying, You are going to tell Adam, right? And instead of interrupting, I stood there, trying to listen to what they were saying, until Livia said she needed to get back to the party.

  Now I wish I’d just opened the damned door because I can’t think what Liv might need to tell me. She said something about wanting us all to have this one last time together but she can’t know about Marnie, she can’t, she would never do what I’ve done. The weight of it is so heavy it’s a struggle to breathe. I want to be on my own, I want to go upstairs and hide myself away. But Livia’s mother is looking at me expectantly.

  ‘She was with someone,’ I say. ‘I didn’t like to interrupt. But she’ll be out in a minute.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  How am I going to be able to warn Livia that her mother is here before she comes out and sees her?

  ‘Adam?’ I whip round at the sound of her voice behind me. ‘Is everything alright?’

  I move quickly to block her mother from view, wanting to prepare her.

  ‘There’s someone to see you,’ I say hesitantly.

  The colour drains from her face because she’s guessed, maybe from the strained look on mine, who I’m referring to.

  Neither of us seem able to move so Livia’s mother steps out from behind me.

  ‘Hello, Livia.’ And as her eyes fall on the daughter she hasn’t seen for twenty-three years, they fill with tears.

  For a moment Livia just stares. ‘Mum?’ She takes a step towards her, as if she can’t quite believe what she’s seeing and needs to take a closer look. She looks so confused I want to fold her in my arms. ‘Is that really you?’

  Livia’s mum raises her hand and touches her hair selfconsciously.

  ‘Yes. I thought I’d come and wish you a happy birthday,’ she says, attempting a smile.

  Livia looks behind her. ‘Is Dad here?’

  I turn to the table, where the box is waiting for Marnie, and pull out the two chairs that Livia and I sat on to drink Kirin’s champagne.

  ‘Why don’t the two of you sit here?’ I suggest, and they move slowly towards the table, their eyes still on each other. ‘Call me if you need me,’ I tell Livia, giving her a kiss. ‘I won’t be far.’

  At the top of the steps, I bump straight into Mum who, without a word, drags me over to where Izzy and Ian are sitting with Jess, Rob, Nelson and Kirin.

  ‘Sit down,’ she says, pushing me onto a chair. ‘I’ll get you something to eat.’

  I fall into the chair. My elbows find the table and I put my head in my hands.

  ‘Everything alright, Adam?’ Jess asks.

  ‘Livia’s mother just arrived,’ I say, forcing my head up.

  ‘What?’ Kirin almost spills her water.

  ‘Oh gosh, is she OK?’ Jess asks worriedly.

  Nelson gives me a glass of wine and I take it, my fingers fumbling on the stem.

  ‘I think so. I left her down on the terrace.’

  ‘What, with that old battleaxe?’ Rob says. ‘Was that wise of you?’

  I’m so tired I can’t find the energy to shut him down. ‘She seems different. Livia’s father is dead, apparently.’

  ‘Oh no. Poor Livia!’ Kirin looks upset.

  ‘No great loss, if you ask me,’ Rob says. ‘He was always a miserable bastard.’

  He says it as if he knew Livia’s father, when I know he never actually met him. I take a sip of wine, then finish the whole glass in one. The alcohol mixes with my exhaustion and begins to numb the fear of never seeing Marnie again. She can’t have been on the plane that crashed, I tell myself, the alcohol making me bold. I’d know if something had happened to her, I’d just know.

  Kirin and Izzy are discussing Patricia’s arrival, their voices rushed. When Patricia asked me if Marnie had arrived, I told her the flight had been delayed and that she wouldn’t be arriving until after midnight. And reminded her not to say anything to Livia.

  I’ve told so many lies tonight. I reach for my glass, then remember it’s empty.

  ‘Adam, did you hear me?’

  I look across the table at Rob. He’s lounging back in his chair, his right foot raised and resting on his left leg, his hands behind his head.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘I asked if you ever believed that Aldershot would beat Leeds in the third round of the FA Cup.’

  I struggle to follow what he’s saying. ‘What?’

  ‘Come on Rob, of course they never would have!’ Nelson says from across the table.

  Rob’s face momentarily hardens. ‘I was asking Adam,’ he says. ‘Anyway,’ he adds, his features flipping back into a smile, ‘Leeds would have beaten Aldershot if the referee hadn’t been biased. And then they’d have slaughtered Man United!’

  A few people laugh and I feel a weird sense of disorientation. I can’t believe that I’m sitting here, listening to people talking about football. I need to move. I can’t stay here.

  I’m pushing my chair back, when the words ‘plane crash’ slam into my consciousness. My heart misses a beat and I
stare at Rob, because I’m sure it was him who uttered the words. But he’s looking at Ian, not me.

  ‘You mean the Pyramid Air flight?’ Ian asks. ‘Yes, I saw it on the news. It’s heartbreaking.’

  ‘I didn’t read any of the news reports, it’s too sad,’ Jess says.

  ‘It crashed on take-off from Cairo,’ Rob explains, leaning forwards. ‘It was on its way to Amsterdam. Around two hundred and forty people on board. No survivors, apparently.’

  Jess shivers and pulls a shawl over her shoulders. ‘I hate flying. That’s why I didn’t want to go to Hong Kong. That, and Rob not wanting me to go.’

  ‘Only because I thought the flight would be too much for you,’ Rob says, putting his hand on her knee.

  ‘I hate flying too,’ Izzy says. ‘Every time I hear about a crash, I vow never to get on a plane again. I always do, though.’

  ‘Let’s change the subject, shall we?’ Ian suggests. ‘It doesn’t seem right that we’re sitting here drinking and chatting when so many people will be grieving.’

  ‘You’re right – but life’s too short,’ Rob says. ‘And it has to go on.’ He lifts his glass. ‘Cheers.’

  There’s a sound of breaking glass and I feel a stab of pain. Looking down, I see that the wine glass has shattered in my hand.

  ‘Adam! You’re bleeding!’ Izzy cries.

  As well as bleeding, my hand is also shaking uncontrollably. Grabbing a napkin, I cover it and stand up. ‘I need to go and get this sorted.’

  ‘Do you want me to come with you?’

  ‘No, please don’t, it’s fine.’

  ‘Adam? What’s happened?’

  I look up and see Livia standing in front of me. I think Marnie might have been on the plane that crashed, Livia. That’s what’s happened.

  ‘He cut himself on a glass,’ Izzy says. ‘He’s OK, he’s going to clean it up.’

  Livia pulls the napkin from my hand. ‘Ouch,’ she says, peering at the gash. ‘It’s deep. It must hurt.’

  ‘Are you alright, Livia?’ Jess asks.

  ‘Yes, I’m fine.’

  ‘Adam says your mum is here?’

  Livia smiles at her ‘Was. She just left.’

  ‘How did it go?’ Kirin asks carefully, as if she’s almost afraid to ask.

  Livia’s breath catches. ‘Fine, I think.’

  ‘So, a bridge mended,’ Ian says, nodding.

  ‘It’s early days.’ Livia turns to me. ‘Come on, let me have a proper look at your hand.’

  I follow her over to the wall. We sit side by side and she takes my hand in hers. If there weren’t so many people in the way, we’d be able to see the photos of Marnie.

  The gentle touch of her fingers and the sharp physical pain as she probes the wound makes everything recede until there’s no Marnie, no people, no noise, no party, just me and Livia.

  ‘It should be alright,’ she says, inspecting the napkin for a clean bit, then pressing it onto the cut and closing my hand over it to keep it in place. ‘You’ll need to disinfect it, though.’ She reaches up and places her hand on my cheek. ‘You OK?’

  ‘I forgot to shave, sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be sorry, I like you exactly as you are.’

  ‘What about you, are you alright? With your mother turning up?’

  She nods slowly. ‘She said that you wrote to her.’

  ‘I thought I was doing the right thing – but now I don’t know.’

  ‘You did do the right thing. Thank you.’ She reaches up and kisses me.

  ‘Your father?’

  ‘I’m glad he’s dead,’ she says fiercely. ‘I know I shouldn’t say that but I am. If he’d still been alive, Mum wouldn’t have been able to come tonight. She told me something of what her life was like with him. I didn’t realise how much she was under his control. I was too young to notice, I suppose. I thought she was happy that he was the one who made all the decisions, but it seems she didn’t have a choice.’

  ‘I’m glad you’re pleased she turned up. But you will be careful, won’t you?’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to fall into her arms or anything. We need to take it step by step. But she’d like to meet Josh before he leaves tomorrow evening.’ She turns to me. ‘She’s staying with the Graingers. Do you remember them? It was Irene who brought her over tonight. Mum told me she nearly didn’t come, that she lost her courage, but Irene persuaded her to, told her she’d regret it. She was waiting outside in the car, which is why Mum couldn’t stay longer. Would you mind if she came over tomorrow afternoon, just for an hour?’

  ‘Of course not,’ I say. I try to hold an image in my mind, of Livia’s mum sitting on the sofa tomorrow afternoon with Josh and Marnie either side of her. I need so much to believe it will happen.

  ‘So, are you happy?’ I go on, needing her to say it, because if she’s happy, I can live with the decision I made not to say anything about Marnie.

  ‘Ridiculously happy,’ she says, smiling up at me, her eyes bright with unshed tears. She lifts her hand and rests it against my cheek. ‘This is a new beginning for me, Adam. Thank you for making it happen.’

  Her words cut through me like a knife.

  ‘Are you two lovebirds going to sit there all night?’ a voice calls. ‘Aren’t you meant to be socialising? Adam, your mum’s brought your food over, come back here!’

  Livia tenses at Rob’s clumsy interruption.

  ‘Come on, we’d better get back to the party.’

  I nod. ‘You go and sit with Jess and the others while I sort out my hand.’

  ‘No!’ She says it so forcefully that I flinch. She gives me a weak smile. ‘I’d better go and chat with the neighbours.’

  She starts moving away but I catch hold of her and draw her towards me.

  ‘Is tonight everything you wanted it to be?’

  ‘It’s more than I wanted it to be, if that’s possible,’ she says, wrapping her arms round me and leaning her head against my chest. ‘Except for Marnie.’

  A strange weakness comes over me and if Livia hadn’t been holding me, my legs might have given way. Adrenalin kicks back in.

  ‘I know it might not seem like it,’ she says. ‘But sometimes things happen for a reason.’

  Is that what Josh not going to New York is – a reason? A reason for us to be able to carry on without Marnie, because we’ll have Josh close by, instead of on another continent?

  ‘Like Mum turning up,’ Livia goes on. ‘I know she felt able to come because Dad died, but why did he die now, why not years ago when she could have got to know Josh and Marnie? There must be a reason why she’s turned up now, at this moment in time, when it’s almost too late to have a relationship with them.’ She pauses. ‘She wants to move back to the area, by the way.’

  Did Fate have a hand in her mum turning up tonight? I’m not giving up on Marnie, I could never do that. But there’s a small comfort in the thought that if the very worst has happened – if Marnie doesn’t make it home – Livia will have her mother nearby.

  Livia

  ‘Great party, Livia,’ Nelson says, smiling at me through his bushy beard. His eyes search my face. ‘It must have been weird with your mother turning up.’

  ‘It was, especially as I didn’t recognise her at first. But I’m glad she did. It all came from my father, you know, and she had no choice but to go along with it. It’s awful to say, but his death has liberated her. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but her turning up has been the icing on the cake of this lovely, lovely evening.’ And then I remember. ‘Congratulations, by the way. It’s wonderful news!’

  ‘It is – but I’m still trying to get my head around it.’ A slight frown crosses his face. ‘Livia, is Adam alright?’

  ‘Yes, apart from his migraine. Why?’

  ‘It’s just that he didn’t tease me about being a dad of five.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll get around to it,’ I say, laughing. Something behind me catches his eye and turning, I see th
at he’s watching Jess.

  ‘How do you think Jess is?’ he asks. ‘You haven’t seen her for a few weeks – did you find a change in her when you went out for lunch today?’

  ‘I found her quite frail,’ I say. ‘More unsteady on her feet than before.’

  He nods slowly. ‘I think she’s gone downhill fast, and so does Kirin, but when I tried to talk to Rob about it, he said that wasn’t the case at all. I think he’s in denial.’

  And I think he’s a dirty fat cheat, I rant silently.

  ‘He actually said that she’s becoming more independent by the day, and that she can manage perfectly on her own. That worried me a bit. Well, a lot actually, although I’m not sure why.’

  A chill goes down my spine. Please, please don’t let me be right about Rob planning to leave Jess for Marnie.

  ‘It seemed a strange thing to say,’ Nelson goes on. ‘Maybe his bosses are putting pressure on him to travel again and he’s trying to convince himself that Jess will be alright without him.’

  No, he’s preparing us, I realise. He’s preparing us so that the day he does leave Jess, he’ll say he thought she could manage without him.

  ‘I’m worried about him,’ Nelson finishes. ‘Sorry, Livia, I shouldn’t have bothered you with this tonight of all nights.’

  ‘It’s fine. I’m just glad everybody is here together.’ For maybe the last time, I want to add and for one crazy moment, I want to tell Nelson what Rob has done and what I’m scared he’s going to do.