Heart

by Higginson, Rachel

  I had given up everything for him.

  Except what if we were still in danger? What if he was still in danger?

  I had trouble living with myself on a daily, hourly… minute-by-minute basis. If something happened to Ryder, even my tenuous grasp on survival would slip.

  I would never be able to live with myself. I wouldn’t be able to endure this lonely existence anymore.

  Stuck at a crossroads between two impossible outcomes, between two scenarios that both felt like mistakes, between what my heart wanted and what my mind argued, I made the only decision that would let me breathe again.

  I went with my heart.

  Chapter Three

  My plane landed on the tarmac of Omaha, Eppley Airfield at 6:43pm on a Wednesday.

  I would have called that fate, except I had met the Fates and I highly doubted they had anything to do with my good fortune.

  In fact, if they had been in charge of my flight plans, I was convinced my plane would have ended up at the bottom of the ocean.

  I had packed lightly in the same purse I’d used around the island. I’d abandoned my entire bungalow, leaving behind enough rent to cover me through the end of the month, just in case.

  After a quick call to Fleur, explaining to her that it was time for me to go home, she’d said, “You were always going to go home.”

  “How did you know?” I asked on a strained whisper.

  “Because it’s home. We are nothing without a home. And you, little girl, are more than nothing.” The conviction in her tone surprised me. I hadn’t known her that long and the entire time I had, I was convinced she only put up with me… nothing else.

  But she was right. And as I stepped out into the heat of a stifling Midwestern summer, I contemplated how I hadn’t realized this sooner.

  This was right. I felt it in my bones. And it wasn’t just Omaha calling to me, whispering that I had stepped back into the sublime familiar, it was more than that.

  There were thicker strings than childhood memories and nostalgia that held me to this place.

  I hailed a cab, one of the few circling the airport drop off lanes and gave instructions on where to take me.

  I didn’t have much with me, except for cash. That I had brought a lot of.

  I stared out the window and breathed in the north part of the city. I noted new construction and new businesses that had opened in my absence. I watched pedestrians swelter in the heat and city traffic maneuver around one-way streets and evening congestion.

  I ignored the building nerves that threatened to sweep me away and concentrated on this city I loved, even with all of the potential dangers attached to it.

  The drive from the airport to the Slowdown only took a few minutes. The ride was both too long and way too short. I wasn’t ready for this moment and yet it felt like my entire life had been a journey to get me exactly here.

  I paid the cabby and stepped out to face one of my most favorite places on earth. My hands shook as I tried to convince my mind that I was actually here… that I was actually standing here, in this spot, and that Ryder could possibly… probably… hopefully… be standing just inside the concert hall.

  Doubt roiled through me and I questioned my decision. Maybe I should wait to see him? Or maybe I should turn around and run again.

  I winced and rubbed a shaking hand over my face.

  “Get it together, Ivy,” I grumbled to myself wishing it was as simple as saying those words out loud.

  I hesitated on the sidewalk for another minute, until a group of girls walked by me. Their laughter broke my mind out of my cowardly stupor and I followed them into the Slowdown.

  Cool air washed over my bare arms and I belatedly realized how hot it was outside. I had been so wrapped up in my fears I hadn’t even noticed the sweat that broke out through my thick hair and slid down my spine.

  It was well after seven by the time I paid my cover and walked into the main part of the venue. I recognized Sugar Skulls on stage immediately.

  My stomach dropped to my toes and I forgot how to breathe.

  I didn’t know what I expected when I decided to come here, but I knew for certain that I wasn’t prepared for this. My body jerked alive with feelings I had denied myself for months. My skin pebbled with goose bumps and my heart took off in a sprint.

  I tried to regulate my breathing as I skirted the outside of the crowd, hoping nobody noticed me. I kept my head down, but attempted to discreetly check out the tightly-packed people filling up the place.

  I wondered if Exie or Sloane would be here. Or Kenna?

  Or did Nix already know I’d arrived in the city? Had he already sent his goons after me?

  Or would he come himself?

  I shook my head, trying to clear it. I just wanted to see Ryder. I just wanted to make sure that he was all right.

  I could hear him as he sung out his clever lyrics in that gravelly, smoky voice of his. I had to close my eyes for a brief second as I let it sink into me.

  They had gotten better as a band over the months I’d been away. They sounded really good. I glanced up at the stage, looking everywhere but at the lead singer. I wanted to check out who else was there, but I wasn’t ready to look at him yet.

  Hudson, Cole and Hayden were there in their old places and Phoenix was banging it out on the drums. There was a new guy on the keyboard and my heart stuttered at the sight of him. The petty part of me was just happy they hadn’t replaced me with another girl.

  Once I reached the back of the crowd, I finally let myself look at him.

  I lifted my eyes to that center position on stage and for a minute I couldn’t think, I couldn’t even figure out what was happening in my brain.

  I just stared at him. I just let myself take him in and adjust to his presence.

  Ryder Sutton.

  His hair was a wild mess on top of his head, dark, tangled and perfect. I gave myself permission to absorb his face for as long as I wanted. He was gorgeous. Beyond gorgeous. His crooked nose and chiseled jaw were just like I remembered them, only so much better because they were real and in front of me.

  I had spent too much time while I was away just trying to remember everything about him perfectly. I could never do him justice though. The memories of his face would blur or I was convinced I had exaggerated some favorite feature.

  But standing here, finally looking at him again, my stomach fluttered with nerves and something deeper.

  His eyes were closed as he performed with his guitar across his chiseled chest. His black t-shirt hugged defined biceps and ended at tapered dark khakis that looked so boy-in-a-band I smiled. His studded belt and bared tattoos completed his bad boy look.

  God, he was so at home on stage. So alive.

  My chest burned as I remembered that he had loved me once. I had somehow been the lone recipient of this boy’s intense love and affection. He had gifted me with all of the best of him.

  And then I had left him.

  I knew I didn’t deserve to seek him out again. I shouldn’t get to be in the same room as him or reopen his life to the drama of mine, but being here reawakened something inside of me. My chest swelled to the music he created, to the words he wrote. My heart continued to beat as rapidly as it could and I felt more filled with life than I had in such a long time.

  Unexpected tears pushed at my lashes and threatened to spill over. I left him to protect him, but I had sacrificed everything of myself to do it.

  I couldn’t forgive myself for that. I couldn’t forgive myself for giving him up.

  Even if it had meant freedom.

  I sucked in a breath as if I knew I would need it and braced myself for the impact of Ryder’s attention.

  He opened his eyes and his gaze swept over the crowd gathered for him. His brow scrunched together and his shoulders tensed even while he finished up his song. And then he found me.

  His eyes bulged with surprise and his fingers slammed on the fret of his guitar, ruining the sweet ending that ha
d been drifting around the room. His head jerked back from the microphone and he stared at me for a long time.

  Too long.

  The tension in the room skyrocketed as his attention stayed focused on me. His Adam’s apple bobbed tellingly and I could feel his furious emotions saturate the room.

  My heart stopped. My breathing stopped. My thoughts stopped. Even time stopped. And it was just the two of us. The rest of the world faded away and I was left transfixed by Ryder’s unwavering concentration and those gunmetal gray eyes that held me so captive.

  The curiosity of the impatient crowd broke through my haze as people started to turn around and try to figure out what had distracted their lead singer. I felt more eyes on me when Ryder’s bandmates noticed me too and reacted almost as strongly as Ryder had.

  Ryder must have noticed the aggravated edge to his fans. He snapped back in place and shifted the guitar strap across his back roughly. He cleared his throat into the mic and then again as I watched him visibly attempt to pull himself together. He was fighting a battle that I had caused and I realized how bad of an idea this had turned out to be.

  I had been selfish wanting to watch him play and hear the band again. But I should have waited until the show was over. It wasn’t fair for him.

  I had been mesmerized by his singing voice, but when he spoke into the microphone and it was the voice I had known so intimately, had loved so fiercely, I nearly dissolved.

  “I’m going to change up our set a bit,” he laughed, but it sounded bitter. Over his shoulder he told his bandmates, “Sorry, guys. I, uh, I’m going to take some creative liberty.”

  They all shrugged their shoulders and mumbled that it was fine.

  Ryder went on, “The next song I was going to play is called, The Siren’s Soul. It was a love song that I wrote a year ago and if I’m honest, it’s one of my best. But, yeah, I’m just not feeling it anymore. So instead, I’m going to play you another one we’ve been working on called, Aftermath. It’s more appropriate for tonight.” He strummed his guitar a second and looked back at the drums. “Bates?”

  Phoenix counted the band off with a, “One, two, three,” and they played Aftermath.

  If I didn’t think Ryder’s introduction of the song had been a strong enough message, the lyrics definitely took a turn for the Loud and Clear.

  In a bluesy, melancholy voice that still managed to be funky, Ryder sang about black hearts and black souls. How love isn’t a feeling, it’s an infection. He sang about the lies of the body and the sins of the mouth. He sang about a girl that had promised love and delivered pain. She’d sworn happiness and sentenced death. She made him fall in love with her, and then she took her black heart and disappeared. She wasn’t supposed to kill him, but he was cursed from the moment he met her. Then he hit me with the chorus.

  The aftermath of loving you is not love at all.

  Your black soul bled all over mine.

  Your black heart turned mine to stone.

  The aftermath of loving you is nothing but pain I want to fade away.

  Ouch.

  I rubbed my thumb over the black heart tattooed on my wrist in a subconscious attempt to wipe it off. It didn’t work. The ink was as permanent as the black heart in my chest that it represented.

  Ryder’s song affirmed it.

  The crowd went wild over the song. They loved every bit of his angsty rock and roll ballad. I stood in the back and tried to pick up the pieces of the secret hope I hadn’t even known I’d been holding onto.

  I had been stupid to come here, stupid to think that I needed to check on Ryder.

  Obviously he was fine. And now that I had really forced myself to think about it, he could take care of himself.

  I had never let myself truly dwell on what had happened between Ryder and Nix before Ryder ended up in the hospital until now. I hadn’t wanted to remember the agony of leaving Ryder. How impossible it had been to abandon him while he’d been in the hospital barely recovering from the most intense fight of his life.

  But now that I thought about it, Ryder, for reasons still not explained to me, had almost put Nix in the hospital.

  I was sure that whatever supernatural power he’d used a year ago could keep Nix and his goons away from him today.

  Why had I convinced myself I needed to be here?

  Oh, god. I was such an idiot!

  Ryder ended that song and moved onto the next. This time his eyes never drifted my direction. He never turned his focus to me again. His words rang out into the air and wrapped around my heart like a wire barb.

  I couldn’t do this.

  I had to get out of here.

  I would fly straight back to Tortola and I would never leave the island again. Never. I would spend the rest of my life as a waitress in Fleur’s café. And spend all of my other time with my feet in the ocean. I didn’t care about Olympus or the war between gods or my mother or Ryder or Honor or anybody.

  Okay, some of that was a lie.

  But the important thing was just getting home. Now.

  I pushed through people that had filtered in behind me and practically ran for the door. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Tears wet my cheeks and my breathing stuck in my throat.

  “Ivy?”

  I jumped back just as someone stepped in my path. Cute, turquoise wedge sandals blurred in front of me. I blinked back tears to find the sandals belonged to tanned legs, white shorts and a bright orange flowy tank top.

  Kenna Lee.

  “Ivy, are you all right?” she asked in a gentled voice.

  I wiped a rogue tear away with the back of my hand and nodded. “I’m fine,” I lied.

  “I knew you were here the second I heard that song,” she told me over the loud music. I wished she wouldn’t shout those damning words. “I’ve heard them practice it. I just didn’t think they would ever play it live.”

  I shrugged. “I mean… it might not even be about me.”

  I looked away from her incredulous expression. Okay, obviously it was about me.

  “Do you want to go to the bathroom?” she asked. “We usually do this in there.”

  I found myself smiling. “It’s good to see you.”

  “It’s good to see you too,” she replied and she sounded sincere. I finally found the courage to meet her probing gaze. “You just disappeared. Nobody knew where you went and Ryder… Well, you heard the song. He didn’t take it very well. I don’t know if you heard or not, but he was in an accident. He was in the hospital for a while. It was kind of touch and go for a bit and-”

  “I heard,” I assured her.

  Which turned out to be a mistake.

  Her sympathetic expression flashed with accusation. “You knew he was in the hospital and you didn’t come back?”

  I cleared my throat and tried as best as I could to hold my shattering heart together. “I, uh, I thought it would be better if I stayed away.”

  “Did you even ask Ryder what he wanted? I mean, Ivy, he was really broken up about you leaving. He missed a ton of school and Hayden told me he was thinking about hiring a private detective to find you. Ryder was out of his mind when you left. I mean… even now, I don’t know if he’s any better, but he did manage to graduate, by like the skin of his teeth.”

  Each word hit me like a physical blow. I just wanted her to shut up and let me escape. I couldn’t take this anymore.

  I left to protect him.

  I did what was best for him!

  “Kenna, I have to go,” I croaked. The tears had started falling again and I knew this time I couldn’t stop them.

  “You’re leaving again?” She glanced back at the stage where Ryder was just starting another song. “Shouldn’t you at least stick around and try to talk to him?”

  “I don’t think he wants to hear anything I have to say.”

  “You’re wrong,” she told me and the empathy had returned to her voice. “Don’t leave him again, Ivy. Don’t run.”

  “I’ll find him late
r,” I lied. “I’m in town now. I’m back.” More lies. “This is just a really bad time for him. I should have realized that before I showed up unannounced.”

  She nodded slowly, not looking like she believed me at all.

  “Bye,” I called to her as I started moving toward the door again. “I’ll talk to you later!”

  I didn’t wait for her reply; I shoved through the doors to the outside and gasped in fresh air. I stumbled to the side of the building and rested a minute to catch my breath. I dropped my hands to my knees and closed my eyes. I felt a panic attack building inside of me, but I didn’t have time for that now.

  I had to get out of here.

  I had to-

  The doors slammed open again and his presence crashed into me, sinking into my skin, tuning every one of my senses and thoughts and feelings into him.

  “You’re leaving again?” he demanded in that rough voice.

  I slowly pulled myself into standing but kept my back against the wall. I forced myself to look at him, to face him head on.

  I could smell his coconut oil shampoo and I had to stomp on the urge to cry.

  In the low light of the day, he was even more beautiful. His silver eyes flashed with emotion so strong I could taste the bitter residue on my tongue. His guitar was slung around his back and his fists balled at his sides.

  He was furious.

  And I was a mess.

  I didn’t know what to say to him. I couldn’t bring myself to confirm his accusation or lie to him. I just wanted to disappear.

  “You’ve got a lot of balls just showing up again,” he growled. “You could have warned me you would be here or that you were coming back or hell, Ivy, you could have warned me that you were still alive. Do you know-” His voice broke and he ran his hands over his face while he tried to compose himself. “Do you know what I’ve imagined happened to you? Do you know what it’s been like not knowing?”

  I shook my head and licked my dry lips. “Ryder, I’m not really back…”

  “Of course you’re not,” he snapped. “It’s probably better that you go anyway.”

  I winced, unable to hide my heartbreak. Regret flashed across his face, but he didn’t apologize.