A Hard Place to Breathe

by Barbara C. Doyle

  I hated her for it.

  I hated my sister.

  And it felt good to admit. If I thought I had a meltdown with Ezra, I had no idea what I was capable of. That was just a crack in the dam, this was the whole thing bursting open like it couldn’t handle the weight anymore. Everything I’d stuffed away, all of the memories and raw emotions, it was all becoming too heavy to carry around with me.

  Coming home wasn’t what I wanted, but it was exactly what I needed.

  Mom hushed me, holding me in her arms and brushing her fingers through my hair. She knew it soothed me; she knew exactly what I needed. Her hands rubbed circles on my back, and her voice told me it was going to be okay. I was going to be okay.

  And for once I believed it.

  After a solid twenty minutes of blubbering, I managed to pull myself together and wipe my face off. Mom wet down a washcloth and dabbed my face, cooling off my heated cheeks. She gave me a warm smile and then kissed my forehead.

  “She was such a bitch sometimes,” I told her, not even feeling guilty over it. “I should hate myself for saying that, right? She’s dead for crying out loud. But she hated everything that I did. Everything that I was.”

  Mom shook her head. “No, sweetie. Bryn didn’t hate you at all. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she looked up to you as any little sister looks up to their big sisters. Bryn was a lot of things, but she was lost. She filled those voids with partying. To be honest, I think she envied you a little. You had everything set and in motion, and she had no idea where she was going. No matter how many times I told her it was normal for her age, she thought she was broken. She had no idea where she was going with her life. It was sad. She was sad.”

  Bryn sad? “She never acted like it.”

  “She knew how to fake it.”

  That she did.

  “I think, deep down, you knew that better than your father and I ever could,” she stated matter-of-factly. “Just look at how you encompassed her. Everything that she was is what you became, and that included lost. But with you, you have something that she didn’t. You had something to hold onto. You kept taking communication classes, because even though you always played teacher when you were little, you loved writing. You loved pretending you were a newscaster. I think in you were always meant to go into journalism, and the version of yourself that you buried was always there trying to push back up.”

  I started out college as an English Education major, prepared to teach adolescent kids. I took two education classes before Bryn’s accident, and soon after I dropped the education major and stuck with just English. But my junior year I decided to pick up some communication classes and fell in love with reporting. When I realized that, I added a journalism minor to my degree.

  Just like I talked about doing in high school.

  “You were always there, baby girl,” Mom said. “I think you were just trying so hard to pretend that you didn’t exist anymore for your own safety.”

  “Maybe,” I whispered.

  “But you know what that means?”

  I looked up at her, her image still blurry from leftover tears that hadn’t dried up yet.

  She squeezed my hand. “It means that you can still pursue a career in journalism. I know you think that planning the future is difficult these days, but you made a path for yourself regardless of the things you went through. You’re so strong, Ashley. You can do anything you want if you set your mind to it.”

  “Thanks.”

  She looked away for a moment, something gleaming in her eyes.

  “What did you do?” I accused, knowing that was her meddling look.

  “Well…” She drew her hand back and smiled widely at me. “When your father and I heard about you adding journalism into your studies, we knew a part of you was still aiming for something. So we made a few calls, submitted a few pieces you wrote for your high school newspaper, and—”

  “Mom!”

  “You were offered a staff writer job for The Daily Star, Ashley! I admit, they don’t pay much, but with time you can advance. Maybe someday you can become the editor!”

  I stared at her in shock.

  I had a job? For a newspaper, no less. Writing.

  “Ashley?” she asked, concern streaking her face.

  I snapped out of it. “I…”

  “All you have to do is call the editor there and talk to her a little bit. She loved your pieces, baby. And I know you’ve got even more that is ready to be written. Just consider it, okay? Neither your father nor I want you to take a job if you really don’t want it.”

  “No, no.” I shook my head, still dazed. “I have a job? Like for real? If I call the editor?”

  She laughed. “Yes. Is that so hard to believe?”

  I pressed my lips together. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting it. I mean I’d love it, and I really appreciate what you guys did.”

  “But?”

  I smiled. “But nothing. I’ll call her. I was just afraid to plan a future in case something happened. Bryn’s life was cut short and that could happen to any of us.”

  Her smiled lessoned.

  “It’s hard to plan a future when you’re not sure if you’re going to have one.”

  She pulled me in for a hug. “Regardless of how you dress, how you act, and what you say, you’re not like Bryn. Not really. You don’t put yourself in situations that could risk what you work for. You have a future, Ashley. You’re going to make a wonderful journalist.”

  She kissed my head and then pulled back.

  “Thanks, Mom. Really.”

  “Family looks out for family, right?”

  “Always.”

  I texted Tara the next day to see how her break was going. I had no idea if she’d be willing to talk after I gave her the cold shoulder for so long, but it was worth a shot.

  She instantly called.

  “Oh, Ashley! I’m a horrible friend, and I missed you. And I’m so, so sorry!”

  I drew my knees to my chest in the chair I was sitting in. “I should be the one apologizing. I was so bitter about dipshit that I overreacted. You didn’t deserve that, Tara.”

  “No, I did,” she disagreed quickly. “I should have told you as soon as the dean told me that I had to tutor him. I tried to tell him no, but it was work study; is part of my scholarship, and that includes tutoring. And since the stuff that happened wasn’t personal to me, I didn’t really have a justifiable reason to say no. Not that they would listen to anyway.”

  I blew out a breath. “Well at least I know now. I’m sorry you had to work with him. Is he caught up yet or are they making you tutor him this whole semester?”

  “He’s caught up now, but I may have to keep helping him if he needs it. And to be honest, Ash, I think he’ll milk this.”

  Yeah, she was probably right.

  “He really is a dick face.”

  “Total dick face.”

  “How is everything going at home?”

  I paused. “It’s been hard, but I think this is what I needed. You know how much I hate being here and having to see people who say how sorry they are or ask how I’m doing like they think I’ll break. But it’s getting better. A lot of people leave me be.”

  “Well that’s good.”

  “And I got a job. Like a real one.”

  “What?” she screeched into my ear.

  I laughed. “My parents got me a job at The Daily Star writing for them as a journalist. I talked to the editor last night, and she said the job was mine once I graduated. She’s going to go over the details with me a little later on.”

  “Ashley, I’m so happy for you! Really.”

  “You should be,” I mused. “You’ve been bugging me how long about getting a start on my future?”

  She snorted. “My worries were justified, but look! Everything is starting to work out. Now you just need to talk to a certain someone.”

  My mood shifted. “And why would I do that?”

  “So you don’t end up the
next crazy cat lady?”

  Okay, that made me laugh. “Well if every cat was as cool as Fluffy, I might be okay with that.”

  I could picture her rolling her eyes. “You know damn well you wouldn’t. Maybe a cat or a dog or something, but you wouldn’t be happy. Not like you were with Ezra.”

  I frowned. “Please don’t say his name.”

  “He’s been asking about you.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “Yes you do, but I’ll drop it.”

  At least she knew when to stop.

  “Ashley?” Mom called from the end of the hallway.

  I poked my head out of my door. “Yeah?”

  “You’ve got a friend here to see you.”

  A friend?

  “Hey, Tara. You wouldn’t happen to be standing at my parent’s front door would ya?”

  “Nope, sorry.”

  “Huh.”

  “Let me know who it is.”

  I told her I would and hung up, sticking my cell phone in my pants pocket. Mom followed me down the stairs and to the front door, where a black-haired girl stood.

  Her hair was long and wavy, and she had a pink dyed stipe of hair. I wanted to say I knew her, but I was sure I didn’t. Her blue-grey eyes were focused in on me and I couldn’t say they looked that friendly. Her hands were stuffed in the jackets of her black trench-styled coat, and she was standing so her weight shifted on one of her long legs, covered in a skintight black jegging and Ugg boots.

  “Um, do I know you?”

  “No,” she said coolly. “But you know my brother, and you broke his heart.”

  I looked at mom, whose eyes widened, then I looked back at the girl.

  “Uh…”

  “Can I come in?”

  “Depends,” I said slowly. “Are you going to yell at me?”

  “Depends,” she mocked.

  I sighed and gestured for her to get out of the chilly weather. Even though it was spring, Upstate New York was still cooler in our area. There were days when we has fifty degree weather during this time of year, and then there were days like today when it was thirty.

  The girl crossed her arms on her chest. “I’m Sarah, Ezra’s sister.”

  Sarah? The name instantly made me remember the picture that Ezra had hanging, and sure enough it was her. Only she had red hair in that picture.

  “Ezra?” Mom asked, looking at me. “Ashley, you didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend! I thought we told each other everything.”

  I groaned. “I don’t have a boyfriend, Mom. Ezra is…was…a friend.”

  Sarah snorted. “Oh, please. He wouldn’t shut up about you ever since he moved to that apartment, and based on your hostility toward him, he was way more than a friend.”

  My cheeks heated up. “Mom, can you give us some privacy?”

  Mom hesitated. “I’ll be in the kitchen.”

  I looked back at Sarah once mom left. “Listen, I don’t know what you heard, but I wasn’t the one who was breaking hearts. Your brother was.”

  I walked into the living room and sat on the couch. Sarah followed, standing in front of me. She had some seriously lady balls, I would give her that.

  “Ezra is stupid—”

  “Finally, something we agree on!”

  She eyed me. “Ezra is stupid, but he’s a great person. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I know who you are. I know who your family is. You’ve been through some really hardcore shit because of our half-brother, but don’t take that out on him. He didn’t get behind the wheel that night. Jayce did.”

  I rolled my eyes. Nate would be so proud of this chick.

  “I don’t blame him for anything regarding Bryn.”

  “But you’re not talking to him.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Ezra and I are really close, Ashley. He tells me pretty much everything. And even if he didn’t, I’m not stupid. He was the happiest I’ve seen him in a long time since he met you. You make him happy. And now he’s so depressing even I want to have my space from him. That’s not like him. Even on his worst days he was never like this.”

  “And that’s my fault?” I snapped.

  “It’s both of your faults.”

  What a bitch. “I’m not the one who acted out. That was all Ezra. Yes, we both could have handled things differently. But you have to understand something, Sarah. It’s really hard for me to be around people who remind me of Bryn’s death. It’s one thing to remember the good days, but that? It’s torture. I know he isn’t Jayce. I know he wasn’t the one who killed her. But he’s related, and I don’t know if I want to be around that reminder.”

  Now she looked pissed. “You’re not the only one who was effected by that accident! So don’t bother playing the poor me card. When Jayce was arrested, our dad went postal. Jayce has been, and always will be, our father’s favorite child. The rest of us are just mistakes he made because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. But you know who got it the worse out of all of us when Jayce was sent away? Ezra. Our dad took out all of his anger on him just because he could. Ezra took his shit so none of the rest of us had to. Even though Jayce should have been the punching bag, it was Ezra. It was always Ezra.”

  My jaw dropped. “Ezra was getting hit?”

  Her eye twitched. “I know that he didn’t tell you, and I know you guys made a deal not to tell each other your demons. Which, by the way, is what kind of got us where we are today. So that was a really stupid deal.”

  Agreed.

  She continued, saying, “I know it wasn’t my story to tell, but you had to hear it. Ezra’s life already sucked before Jayce hit your sister. But after that night? His life practically crumbled. He’d meet me at our favorite spot at night and his face would be swollen and black and blue from the hits. But he told me he’d take as many as he could if it meant our dad wouldn’t come after me.”

  My heart broke for Ezra.

  “Did you ever call the cops?”

  She finally sat down across from me in the armchair that my father loved. “I tried, but Ezra would always tell me not to. He was afraid our dad would figure out who told and make my life hell. So he told me not to tell.”

  “I’m really sorry, Sarah. Nobody should have to go through that. Ever.”

  She nodded. “What you went through was horrible too. Besides half-siblings, I’m an only child. It was just me and my mom growing up. If I had a sister and lost her, I’d be dead inside.”

  I pressed my lips together. She had no idea.

  “I was so excited when Ezra moved,” she told me. “I mean I was sad because I wouldn’t see him as often, but he needed to get away. He refused to move until he knew that our dad wouldn’t come after me.”

  “How did he know he wouldn’t?”

  Quietly, she answered, “When Jayce was released for good behavior, our dad stopped the abuse. He never spoke to us, actually. Not unless he needed something. Why would he? His favorite was free and back in his life.”

  “Was Ezra getting hit all those years?”

  She nodded.

  “That’s awful!”

  She nodded again. “Anyway, when Jayce was back things got less intense. Well, for some of us. Dad stopped coming around and we stopped being afraid of him. It was obvious that he was going to be wrapped up in Jayce’s life, trying to get him back on track. So when Ezra knew for sure it was okay, he got his apartment and moved. For a while he stopped taking classes and took a leave of absence. This was his first semester back.”

  No wonder I hadn’t seen him around before.

  “When he told me about you, I was really happy for him, Ashley. If there is anybody in this world that deserves to be happy, it’s him. After everything that he sacrificed…”

  I nodded in agreement. “He’s a good guy.”

  She smiled. “I was really shocked when he called me after shit hit the fan with you two. It’s almost cruel that fate brought you two together, but I think it was meant to be. I usually don�
�t believe in that bullshit, but I do in this case. You guys were meant to be in each other’s lives. You guys were meant to find happiness together, because you two deserve it more than anyone.”

  My lip twitched and my heart filled with something heavy. Regret? Guilt? No.

  Love.

  Because maybe after thinking about it for a while I did feel bad about how things went down. Ezra and I didn’t do things the traditional way. He didn’t get to know each other before we fell. We practically were drawn to each other without the details, and that was what made things so difficult between us now.

  Sarah was right though. After everything that we’d been through, maybe this was a way for us to get past it. We were meant to make each other whole again.

  “So are you going to call him?” she asked.

  I met her eyes. “Do you think he’ll answer?”

  Her eyes brightened. “If he doesn’t I’ll personally go over to his apartment and kick his ass.”

  I laughed.

  “He doesn’t know I’m here,” she admitted.

  “I won’t tell him.”

  She smiled. “You know I was prepared to come over here fists flying, but I like you.”

  I snorted. “Nice to know you were ready to fight me. I guess I can respect that. You love your brother. And, you know, he said that we’d like each other.”

  “Maybe we can all hang out sometime?” she suggested. “I still live with my mom, but I plan on getting my own place soon.”

  I liked that idea. “Sounds good to me.”

  “Make up with my brother first though,” she instructed, standing up. “You might as well thank me now, while I’m here.”

  My brow lifted. “For what?”

  “For all that wild make up sex you’re going to have.”

  And I laughed, loudly and genuinely, until it was hard to breathe. But this kind of struggle was one I could get used to.