A Hard Place to Breathe

by Barbara C. Doyle

  15

  The day I returned from spring break, I was slightly dreading entering the apartment building. It’d been days since I talked to Sarah, and I still hadn’t called Ezra. I didn’t know what to say, or if he wanted to talk to me at this point.

  His past was heavy. Both of ours was. But what was worse was that I acted like I was the only one with problems. He never made his relationship with his father sound so intense. He never made the anger really shine through.

  He was ten times stronger than I would ever be.

  I was a horrible person.

  When I got to my apartment, part of me was relieved that he wasn’t standing outside, while another part of me was depressed. How long did I expect him to wait for me though? I was selfish to think he’d waste his time on me when I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him.

  I slowly closed the door behind me and leaned my back against it, closing my eyes and setting the back of my head against the wood. I let out a loud sigh and pushed myself off of the door.

  I stopped in my tracks when I saw Ezra and Tara sitting on our couch, watching me.

  “Uh…”

  “Look who I found!” Tara said cheerfully.

  Ezra didn’t look so good.

  I probably didn’t either.

  “Hey, Ash,” he said quietly.

  I ran my tongue against my chapped bottom lip and looked at him. I mean really looked at him. He looked skinnier, like he lost weight. His eyes were dull, nowhere near the beautiful color blue that I took such a liking to. And I couldn’t help but notice that his knuckles on his right hand were black and blue and almost swollen.

  Had he gotten into a fight?

  “Hey,” I said, clearing my throat.

  Tara looked between the two of us. “So how is your mom and dad?”

  I gave her a small smile. “They’re good. Dad and I are doing better than we were. Especially since I took the job.”

  “Tara told me about the newspaper,” Ezra said, giving me a warm smile. “Congratulations.”

  “Thanks.”

  Tara stood up. “Well I really want to catch up and all, but I’ve got stuff to do.”

  What a liar.

  I gave her a knowing look as she waved at us before closing herself into her bedroom.

  The atmosphere between Ezra and I was thick and awkward. He shifted where he sat on the couch, and I had my hands shoved into my jacket pockets.

  “I wanted to come over and talk to you,” he admitted after too long of silence passed between us.

  Some of the stress lifted off my shoulder. “I wasn’t sure you were going to talk to me after everything. I wouldn’t have blamed you. I was a bitch.”

  His eyes narrowed. “You’re not a bitch, Ashley. Jesus, I never thought that. We just kept digging ourselves deeper when shit got rough, and I didn’t handle it well.”

  I frowned. “Neither did I.”

  “We’re a little too similar,” he mused.

  “Is that such a bad thing?” I asked.

  He thought about it. “I think it could be, but not with us. I want to clarify something that you said last time we spoke. Okay?” He didn’t let me answer. “I never wanted you to think that I was playing some game with you or using you. I’m not interested in just sex with you, and I told you that. I know asking you to leave after what we did must have made it seem like that. I was such a dickhead, Ash. I knew how you felt about my family, and I for one hate them as well. But it wasn’t that I was pissed that you hated them. You have every right too. I just didn’t know if we could make it work. Because how could you be around me knowing who I was related to? That fucktard changed your life. He changed your whole family. Looking at me must be hell for you.”

  I snorted, because looking at him was certainly not hell.

  “I thought it would be,” I admitted. “And I’m not saying that Jayce isn’t lingering somewhere in my mind just because of what I know now. But you’re you. And he’s him. You’re two different people.”

  He let out a relieved breath. “I’m so sorry, babe. For everything. For how it unraveled, for how you found out. Jayce wants to get under both of our skins. He shouldn’t have come over here and taunted you like that, and he shouldn’t have been the one to tell you that we’re related. I hate that I wasn’t the one to do that.”

  I slowly made my way to the couch, sitting down but making sure we were at opposite ends.

  “I think we should just move past how it unraveled because we can’t change it,” I said, fiddling with my hands on my lap.

  “You’re right.”

  I locked eyes with him, and added, “And I think that we should be totally honest with each other about everything. Even if nothing happens with us, I think we owe it to ourselves to just figure it out. That way we can get past everything.”

  His eye looked away from me. “Is that what you want? To get past this?”

  “I’m not good with explaining my feelings, Ezra.”

  He looked at me with interest. “So you have feelings?”

  I snorted. “Um, yeah. Wow. What am I, a robot?”

  His eyes widened. “No, that’s not what I meant. Of course you have feelings! I just meant that between us, you have feelings? You don’t want to talk and then just leave it where it is?”

  I gnawed on the inside of my cheek. “I think we should talk first. Not because I’m not interested in answering that, because I am. But I think we need to get everything out on the table and see how we feel about each other after. How you feel about me.”

  His eyebrows drew together. “Are you afraid I’m going to look at you differently?”

  I nodded.

  “Ashley, there is no way I could.”

  “But it involves your family,” I admitted.

  “If you’re talking about my dad and Jayce, I really don’t consider them family. I have my mom and my brothers. Even my stepdad. They’re my family.”

  “And Sarah.”

  He looked at me. “Yeah…and Sarah.”

  He studied me until I squirmed.

  “She went to see you didn’t she?” he accused.

  I didn’t say anything.

  He raked his hands through his hair. “She was gone and I knew she was up to something. I told her not to involve herself.”

  “She was looking out for you.”

  “So she did see you?”

  Finally, I nodded. “I told her I wouldn’t tell. She just wanted to talk, Ezra. She was looking out for you because she cares. And she…”

  Was I supposed to tell him?

  “She told me about what your dad did to you.”

  He went rigid next to me.

  “She wanted me to know that we both went through hell because of Jayce,” I explained quickly. “Ezra, I am really sorry about what happened to you. He is a monster too. Maybe worse than Jayce. Maybe that’s where Jayce gets it.”

  He shook his head. “Don’t apologize to me. That was why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want her to tell you either. You shouldn’t apologize about that because it isn’t your problem. You have so much other shit to deal with when it comes to Jayce. Taking a few blows was nothing compared to losing a sibling.”

  “Sarah said it was more than a few.”

  His eye twitched. “I did what I had to do.”

  “Why didn’t you turn him in?”

  “He would have gotten out,” he replied with no emotion in his voice. “He always found ways to get out of trouble. Guess all those years of law school paid off, huh?”

  I shook my head and reached for his hand. I thought he was going to pull away, but he didn’t. As soon as my hand was on him, he seemed to ease the tension of his body.

  “I get that you were afraid of what he’d do if he got out and figured out who told, but he should be behind bars. Nobody should have to be afraid of being beaten half to death. Are there photos? Evidence?”

  He didn’t answer right away, but he finally said, “I didn’t w
ant Sarah to take any, but she did. She was going to take them to the police, but I made her promise. It wasn’t just her I wanted to protect. He would have gone after my mom too, and I couldn’t put up with myself if he did.”

  How could she not know what was going on? My mom knew me all too well. She practically had eyes everywhere keeping track of me my whole life.

  “Don’t judge her, Ash. My mom knew that my dad had anger problems, but she never knew just how bad they were. I lied to her when I’d come home bruised and bloody. She thought I’d get in fights at school. It was just easier that way.”

  “I wasn’t judging her, I promise. I was just trying to figure out how you spent three years being beaten without somebody doing something about it. Sarah said your face was roughed up the worse.”

  “He made sure to go after me places that could be hidden after that,” he admitted, putting his face in his hands.

  I didn’t realize I was crying until a tear dripped onto my hand. Knowing what Ezra had to endure was hard. I couldn’t help but feel guilty over it, because if Bryn hadn’t been killed his dad wouldn’t have gone postal.

  I squeezed his hand. “You’re an amazing person. You love Sarah and your mom so much that you were willing to go through that. It breaks my heart though. If I had made Bryn stay instead of let her walk out to go to that stupid party, she wouldn’t have been hit that night. Your dad wouldn’t have done those things to you.”

  His eyes shot to mine. “Don’t you dare blame yourself! This was not your fault. This wasn’t your sister’s fault either. Shit, my dad had a temper. He would have lost it eventually. Maybe when Jayce went off to college. Maybe some time later. Nothing that he did to me was your fault. He made his choices.”

  I didn’t say anything and stared at the floor.

  He tipped his chin up to meet his solid eyes. “Hey. I don’t regret what happened. I got to protect people I care about. I also don’t blame anybody but my dad. You didn’t force him to hit me.”

  “I know, but—”

  “No, buts.”

  I clamped my lips together.

  “I missed you, Ash. I felt like shit after everything that happened. I went a little mad.” He lifted his right hand to show me the knuckles that I already noticed. He cleared his throat. “I won’t be getting back my safety deposit back when I move out. I may have punched another hole in the wall.”

  My eyes widened. “Ezra!”

  “I also might have punched Jayce. Five times.”

  Oh wow. “What about your dad? Will he come after you for doing that?”

  “Probably,” he admitted honestly.

  “Why did you hit Jayce?”

  “Do you really have to ask?”

  “Cause he’s a dick?”

  “He was messing with you,” he answered dryly. “I don’t care if he fucks with me, but not you. What he was doing to you was uncalled for. When I saw him with his hands on you in the hallway that day, I wanted to fucking murder him.”

  I’d never seen him so angry before. His hands were clenched into fists, and his knuckles were white. I put my hand on his, trying to stop the shaking.

  “He was laughing when you were taking me away because he thought it was funny we knew each other, didn’t he?”

  It made sense now.

  He nodded. “He found me after that. Made some less than amusing jokes. He was lucky I didn’t deck him that day. He deserved it.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Does it matter?”

  No. “It matters to me.”

  He cringed. “He said I was lucky for dipping my wick in you now because I wouldn’t have wanted to in high school.”

  I flinched. “I was less than desirable then.”

  “I would have noticed you. Wanted you.”

  I snorted. “You wouldn’t have, believe me. I wasn’t like who I am now. I didn’t dress this way or act this way. I was all about studying and my grades. That was literally all I cared about.”

  “I know.”

  That took me off guard. “You do?”

  “I was enrolled at the college as a freshman when shit went down with Jayce,” he explained, giving me a small smile. “I spent a lot of time in the library studying because I commuted up until moving into this apartment. I didn’t have anywhere to go in between classes, so I’d go to the lounge in the library and work on assignments. You were always there, engrossed in your homework. Your hair was usually up in a ponytail or a bun and you were always pushing your big black glasses up because they kept sliding down your nose. You would get so irritated with them.”

  My jaw dropped.

  He snickered. “I think I spent more time focusing on you when we were there than I did on my homework. You were cute. Your hair was darker before though, I’m guessing it was before you started dying it?”

  He knew me as a dork before he knew me now.

  “I-I had highlights put in,” I stuttered in awe.

  He grinned. “You look surprised.”

  “I just…” I shook my head. “Nobody ever noticed me in high school, and it never seemed like anybody noticed me at the beginning of college either. Not until…”

  “After Bryn died?”

  “After I did.”

  He frowned and looked at me in confusion.

  Guess it was time to explain. “I had an argument with Bryn the night she went out. We always fought. I guess most siblings do. But she was so irritating, Ezra. She made my life hell when she didn’t like the things I talked about. She just went out even though our parents would tell her not to. She loved partying. She loved drinking even more. And guys? She had them wrapped around her pretty little finger. That night I told her to stay in. Mom wanted me to come try talking her into staying in and just hang out with the family so I came by for the weekend. It was no use, which I kind of figured. She was too strong headed for her own good. She was determined to go out. And the worst part was that she insisted that she’d call me the next day to tell me how her night was, which she never did. She wanted to tell me about her and Jayce.”

  The thought made me shiver.

  “Anyway, she told me to go back to college and not worry about her. And instead of fighting and forcing her to stay in, I let her and walked away from it. Jayce said that they went to that party together and when she saw him with another girl she got jealous and left. And we both know how that night ended.”

  My voice turned grim. “When Bryn died, I had this guilt about letting her leave, because I could have prevented it. Even though she probably would have snuck out anyway. And it didn’t seem fair that somebody so young and full of life was just gone, you know? Just…not in existence anymore. So I told myself to make her live on. She always pestered me to have more fun in college. Go to parties, drink until I couldn’t anymore, and kiss guys because I could. So I did. I did it because I knew she would be proud of me, but also because she deserved to keep living. It was like I was becoming her, her voice telling me exactly what to do. Between that and wanting so bad to forget, I just kinda fell into the party life. Drinking numbed the pain. So did the guys, not that anything lasted long enough to really feel better.

  “You were right about reality always find us again. I loved being able to escape for a little while, but I’d always wake up suffocating in the memories of it all. Living the way I was helped a little, but it never really helped long term. I didn’t realize until spring break how much harder I was making things for my parents. They had to see me become somebody I wasn’t and it reminded them of Bryn. I am such a shitty daughter for not thinking about them. That was such a Bryn thing to do. She only thought of herself too.”

  He shook his head. “Don’t do that to yourself. You were trying to cope with things. Everybody does that differently. And no matter what your parents love you. They helped you get a job.”

  I smiled at that. “They never stopped believing in me even when I stopped believing in myself. It’s amazing if you think about it. They could have dropped me.
I wasn’t exactly a model daughter after Bryn died. I sucked. But they kept on loving me anyway.”

  He intertwined our fingers. “They always will.”

  I leaned my head on his shoulder. “I thought I let myself die along with her. I stopped doing the things I normally did. I stopped obsessing over my classes and grades, skipped more than I should have. Half-assed my assignments. To be honest, I was so hungover the rest of my freshman year. And the professors kind of let it slide because they knew what happened, but after a while they saw I wasn’t changing. They just went with it and stopped caring.”

  “You stopped going to the library too.”

  I nodded.

  “I waited for you to come back,” he admitted, his lips brushing my head. “I’d be in that lounge waiting every damn day. I was going to finally talk to you. Actually, I planned on asking you out. I didn’t know if you’d even be interested, but I was willing to risk it. After about a month I realized you weren’t coming back. If I hadn’t seen you around campus I would have assumed you’d dropped out.”

  “You saw me around campus?”

  I felt him nod. “Yeah, although I didn’t know it was you at first. You didn’t wear your usual oversized sweatshirt and leggings. You hair was down and looked brighter. You ditched the glasses. You looked like a totally different person.”

  “I was,” I whispered.

  “I was still going to talk to you, but I’d see you around all these guys and it seemed like I wouldn’t have a chance.”

  I pulled away from him. “You really thought that?”

  He shrugged. “I saw what those frat douches looked like. I knew how they acted. I was nothing like them, and that seemed to be all you were into then. So I decided to leave you be. I figured you’d grow out of the party girl phase.”

  I mentally sighed. “But I didn’t.”

  “Nope,” he agreed lightly. “Didn’t matter though. Not long after that Jayce was sentenced and dad went crazy. I took a leave of absence because I didn’t want to show up looking like I did. I didn’t want to leave Mom or Sarah behind. So I stayed out.”

  “Until now.”

  “Yup. I’m technically a freshman still.”