A Hard Place to Breathe

by Barbara C. Doyle

I giggled. “I’m involved with a freshman.”

  He chuckled. “A twenty-one year old freshman.”

  He kissed my cheek.

  “Ezra…”

  “Mmhm?”

  Here goes nothing. “When Bryn was killed I lost my mind. I was so pissed at the world that I just acted out without really thinking about what I was doing. I broke into your dad’s house and trashed the place. I took a baseball bat to the car windows of his car, smashed the mailbox, beat the crap out of all the pictures that had Jayce in it. Some of his dad just because I saw how he looked at my family like we were the problem.”

  I took a deep, shaky breath. I could feel his eyes on my face, but I couldn’t look at him. I was ashamed of what I’d done. I’d gotten so violent.

  I rubbed my palms across my thighs. “I didn’t know anybody was home. I was just so, so angry that I needed to let it out. Crying didn’t help. Talking to my parents didn’t help. They told me to go to therapy, but I knew that wasn’t going to help either.

  “His mom was in the house that night. When she heard all the noise she came downstairs and started screaming when she saw what I was doing. I broke everything that I possibly could. Everything that Jayce was in, things that I thought he liked. They even had a stupid trophy case in their living room. I broke that and damaged all but three trophies before Mrs. Mitchell started fighting me. I d-didn’t mean to hurt her, but I swung the bat when she pushed me toward the door and it hit her. She fell down onto the glass and got cut up pretty bad.”

  My whole body shook at the memory of blood on the floor and the red soaking up the light pink silk gown that she wore. She stared at me in horror, her face already bruising from where the bat struck her. It was the same bat that dad made me take to the apartment.

  One that I had no intention of using again.

  “She wasn’t hurt badly,” I whispered, barely loud enough for even myself to hear. “But she did need some stitches in her hands from how she landed on the glass. I got arrested for vandalism. Hurting her was a complete accident, and she even told the police that. She must have seen the shocked look on my face when the bat hit her and she fell. I even tried helping her up. I was the one who called 911 to come. It was a mess. It was a huge mess and it was all my fault.”

  I was crying again, sniffling and trying to finish the story so everything was out in the open.

  “I was in the holding cell for hours while my parents were being talked to by the Sherriff. And then Mrs. Mitchell came into the station. It was really early in the morning, she was wearing different clothes and I remember she had bandages around her hands. She told them that she wasn’t pressing charges against me.”

  “Really?” he asked in surprise.

  His voice startled me. He’d been so quiet, I thought I broke him. I didn’t blame him if he was scared or even full of hate. I’d gotten violent. I hurt somebody, even if it wasn’t intentional. I was terrified for him to know as is, but even more so since hearing about the abuse he went through.

  I nodded slowly. “I didn’t know her well, but my mother and her used to talk on and off. She told my mom at the station that she understood how I felt, that she was having trouble processing what Jayce had done too. So she wasn’t pressing charges against me, as long as I agreed to stay away from her family. Really, it’s a miracle. Knowing what kind of person Jayce was, I couldn’t fathom how his mom was so…nice. Considerate, really. But she gave me a chance to live my life. She told my mom that she didn’t want to be the reason that my mother lost a second child. I could have been arrested and put into jail if she hadn’t come in. Then my parent’s would have had nobody.”

  Ezra got up off the couch. I thought for sure that he was going to leave, and I wouldn’t have fought him. I knew there was a pretty big risk of him never looking at me the same way again once he knew. But if we were going to be honest with each other, he needed to know everything.

  Because what I had done ate me up inside.

  “You can go if you want,” I said, rubbing my hands down my face.

  “Do you want me to?”

  I was surprised by his question. “No, I really don’t. But after everything that you’ve been through I would understand if you want to. I did something so stupid that hurt somebody.”

  “You’re right,” he agreed, sighing. “You did something really stupid, and it could have been much worse than what it turned out to be. But if you think I’m going to leave because of this then you’re wrong. I want us to work. I want us to give each other a chance, and the more I know the better. I’m glad you told me, honestly.”

  I looked up at him. “I regret it every day. I was raised to be level headed but it was so hard after seeing Bryn’s body. I needed to feel better.”

  “Did you feel better after doing that?”

  I paled. “No. I felt worse.”

  He nodded. “I’m not going to lie, that’s a slight relief. I get that you were pissed off, and trashing somebody’s house isn’t the answer. But if you said you felt better I might have looked at you differently, because that kind of anger is insatiable.”

  “So you don’t think differently of me?”

  “I sure as hell hope I never have to see that side of you,” he joked, although his eyes weren’t as bright as his humor was. “But no, Ash. I don’t think of you differently. We all do things we’re not proud of when tragedy strikes.”

  I wish forgiving myself was that easy. “I vandalized a house. You were protecting people. There’s a huge difference between us and how we chose to deal with things.”

  “You’re not like that now.”

  Definitely not.

  “Is that everything?” he asked, coming back over and kneeling in front of me.

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  He took my hands in his. “I’m not saying that we can just put this in our past, because I think what we went through proves our past always finds us. I am willing to bet that we can get through it enough to make things work between us.”

  His eyes lightened, the storms fading in them.

  “Want to know why we work?” he asked, leaning in so his lips were brushing my cheek.

  “Why?” I asked, in a breathy voice.

  “Because we’re the only two people who can ever understand each other and the things we went through. We both went through hell, but we both got through it. It won’t always be easy. You’ll always remember Bryn and that night, and I’ll always remember Jayce and what my dad did. But we understand that dynamic. We know that we can get through it because we have each other to ground us.”

  My heart fluttered.

  I looked at him, studying his soft expression. “Is this the part where you say you want us to be together someday? I seem to recall ‘someday’ being our thing.”

  He cupped my jaw. “Baby, I don’t want just someday. We’ve been skirting around each other for too long. Shit, I’ve practically been in love with you for three years now. I want every day. I want every month, every year, and every moment with you. I want a future.”

  But I didn’t hear everything he said, because I was focused on the first part of his speech.

  I’ve practically been in love with you for three years now.

  He must have seen the look in my eyes. “The day I saw you in the library three years ago, I knew we were going to know each other one day. Someday. I just didn’t realize how long I’d have to wait before I actually got to know you. I’m not trying to scare you. I don’t expect you to say that you love me back. But I love you, Ash. I’ve loved you for a while now. Since the day I saw you studying hard in the library, oblivious to the world, and even when you were trying to make it with the party crowd. I knew getting you was going to be a challenge, but it was a challenge I wanted to take. When you answered the door the day I moved in? I had no fucking clue you lived here. It wasn’t luck or some coincidence. That was fate.”

  Fate.

  “This won’t be easy,” he stated. “I think we both know that. Yo
u’re going to have your problems and I’m going to have mine. But they won’t be so bad now that we’re not dealing with them alone.”

  I leaned into his hand, feeling the heat from his palm soak into my cheek. A comfortable silence fell between us as we just soaked up each other’s presence. My hand went to his face in turn, and I could feel his lips tip up into a smile.

  When I looked at him, his eyes were trained on me. He rubbed his thumb across my cheek, brushing the tip of it against the corner of my lips. I drew my bottom lip in as I watched his eyes focus on my lips.

  He wanted to kiss me.

  I pulled his hand to my lips, kissing his palm. “I want to tell you how I feel, but I’m not good at expressing myself. It’s going to take me some time to adjust to whatever life I’m settling into. I spent pretty much all of college as somebody I’m not. Or at least somebody I wasn’t. Now I need to figure out who the girl outside of college is going to be.”

  “You’re going to figure it out,” he assured, standing up and sitting down next to me on the couch. “And I’m going to be there every step of the way. I’m going to help you whenever I can. I want to.”

  I leaned into him. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and rested his chin on top of my head.

  “I want you to help too. I’ll need it.”

  “I don’t know if you need it,” he started to disagree.

  “Ezra, you were the only one here that saw me for who I was before I decided to change. You found a way to like me as an extreme introvert. I mean I was living like a hermit. That didn’t scream sexy. Not to mention my wardrobe. I don’t think I owned anything that actually fit me that wasn’t like a size or two bigger. To be honest, I don’t miss those clothes.”

  He chuckled. “You were beautiful then just like you are now. But I admit it was hard to try scoping out your ass when you wore those big ass sweatshirts that went down mid-thigh.”

  I laughed. “You were seriously interested in me then? I was the exact opposite of sexy.”

  His arm tightened around me, drawing me in for a small side hug. “You were beautiful, Ash. Just because I couldn’t check out your body didn’t mean shit. It wasn’t your body I was after. The fact you’re sexy ass is mine is just a bonus. You’re smart, you’re sarcastic, and you know what’s worth fighting for.”

  I groaned. “Why do you have to be awesome?”

  “Would you prefer I treated you like those other guys you used to be with?”

  I rolled my eyes. “I think we both know the answer to that considering my reaction of being booted after we slept together.”

  His hand twitched on my arm. “I still feel really bad about that,” he admitted. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but part of me thought it was probably better. At least until I could wrap my head around it.”

  I bit my lip. “I thought maybe you didn’t enjoy it. I was a little out of practice, if you catch my drift.”

  He drew back. “How long had it been?”

  “About six months if not more.” I shrugged. “There were opportunities, but I just never took them. Not going to lie though. I made out with a lot of guys trying to find something. But after I met you? It was like everything changed. I couldn’t do the things I usually did without thinking about you. So I stopped. I stopped hooking up altogether. I was practically a born again virgin.”

  He laughed at that. “Don’t worry, babe. I was fully satisfied. It wasn’t because of anything you did. I was just shocked. And I’m real glad to hear that. I don’t want anyone messing with my woman but me.”

  “So if we were to do it again…”

  His lips found my ear. “I wouldn’t let you leave.”

  I giggled. “That could be either really sweet or really creepy.”

  He chuckled. “I only meant that we’d be too busy making sure that nothing got between us again. If you want to come over I’ll have to warn you that we wouldn’t be getting much sleep. We’ve got a lot to…catch up on, if you will.”

  He nipped at me ear, making me gasp.

  “I like the sound of that,” I murmured.

  His hand traveled down my arm and trailed down my thigh. His thumb made circular motions on the side of my thigh, while his lips trailed down my cheek, jaw, and nipped at my neck.

  “I want this to happen,” I told him. “Not just the sex, although I definitely want that to happen. A lot. You were willing to show me what it was like to feel loved, not like some object. But I want…us.”

  His lips found mine, pressing a soft kiss against them.

  “Make love to me, Ezra,” I whispered.

  And I didn’t have to ask twice before he had me in his arms, carrying us into my bedroom.

  16

  Tara, Blair and Nate were all sitting around the counter watching Ezra and I try making dinner. While I wanted to order take out, he insisted on cooking. Apparently, he cooked. And maybe I was slightly jealous, because I sure in hell knew my skills in the kitchen were limited.

  At least I had my skills elsewhere to impress him.

  Ezra decided it was safe enough for me to make the salad, yet somehow I still managed to get pieces of lettuce everywhere along with shredded cheese flying when I tossed it. Everybody thought my horrible kitchen skills was hilarious until tomatoes started hitting them.

  The tomatoes might have been on purpose though.

  Ezra made sure I left the dressing alone, because apparently he was afraid I was going to stain his clothes. Okay, I doubted he cared. I think he just knew that we’d have a huge mess to clean up and he hated cleaning the most.

  When the salad was placed on their plates, something I could do without anyone complaining, Ezra pulled the meatloaf out of the oven and then turned off the burner on the stove with the potatoes on it. Tara took over getting the mashed potatoes ready while Blair and Nate grabbed out glasses for everybody and poured the wine they brought with them. The wine was a dead giveaway that there was some sort of news, because Blair didn’t drink anymore unless it was celebratory.

  I watched her carefully, watching how she moved around Nate, brushing against him every chance she could. I saw how Nate’s eyes would light up every time they looked at each other, and I wondered if that was how Ezra and I would be someday.

  Someday.

  Ezra and I had something that I couldn’t quite explain. It was a new experience for me, and it was one that I could get used to. The way my heart would race in my chest when I saw Ezra, or how my body would react to his touches, or even when he said my name and I got goosebumps everywhere made me know that we had something good going. But we weren’t on Blair and Nate’s level. Although, they knew each other practically their whole lives. Ezra and I didn’t have that much time banked.

  “What are you looking at?” Tara asked, standing beside me.

  Her eyes drifted to Blair and Nate. Nate had Blair wrapped in his arms, her back to his front, and they were looking back at us.

  Nate kissed Blair’s cheek and Blair smiled up at him. It was obvious that those two were crazy for each other. It was also obvious that Blair was going to burst out some announcement.

  “You have news,” I accused, trying to scope out her hand to figure out if I could see a ring. Usually I see bling right away, but for all I knew she was hiding it. Normally, I’d guess she was pregnant. After all, their baby would be the cutest specimen alive. But I knew that Blair had problems when it came to pregnancy that made it hard to conceive, and for all I knew they weren’t even interested in having kids.

  Blair’s eyes widened. “How did you know?”

  I rolled my eyes. “I can read you like a book, B. You’re totally hiding something.”

  “The wine kind of gave you away,” Tara said, killing my reading skills.

  Blair giggled. “I knew that would probably give us away.”

  Tara clapped. “So what is it?”

  Blair looked at Nate. “It’s kind of your news. Do you want to tell them?”

  Ezra came up beside me and int
ertwined our hands together. I sank into his side.

  Nate cleared his throat. “Do you remember last year when you took Blair to a bar and accused me of being a drug dealer?”

  Ezra coughed in surprise. “What?”

  I laughed. “Is this the part where you tell us that you were a drug dealer after all this time?”

  Blair’s cheeks were red. “That night was embarrassing.”

  “Why?” I asked. “Was it when we accused him of being a drug dealer or when your brother caught you and Nate sucking face outside the bar?”

  “Both,” she grumbled.

  Nate laughed, and so did Ezra.

  “Why are you laughing?” she asked Nate. “He punched you in the face for kissing me!”

  He shrugged. “I kind of deserved it.”

  “You did not.”

  “So…the news?” Tara asked.

  Blair sighed. “That night before we accused him of being the drug dealer—”

  “Wait,” Ezra said. “Was there really a drug dealer?”

  I patted his stomach. “I’ll fill you in later, babe.”

  He just nodded.

  Nate continued on, “That night I was with somebody, talking about my son. Our son.”

  “Oh that’s right! The blonde ho!”

  He rolled his eyes. “She wasn’t a ho necessarily…”

  I shrugged unapologetically. “Well any girl who is involved with you that isn’t my bestie from another testie, is a ho.”

  Blair grinned. “Thanks, A.”

  “I got your back,” I told her.

  “I will never understand your dynamic,” Nate informed us, shrugging it off. “Anyway that night she cut ties with me and my chances with my son Cooper. She never really wanted it to work anyway. She was so set on raising him on her own. It was really her mother’s doing, but that isn’t important. A few months ago she reached out to me and wanted to know if I wanted to meet him. Long story short, I was given partial custody of him.”

  “Oh, my god!”

  Nate with a kid? I knew he had one, but the idea of him actually having one around was something I never pictured.

  I looked at Blair. “You’re practically a mom!”