Fractured

by Leanne Pearson

  “H-his name is Dominic, and he m-makes me feel partly whole again. Y...you’d like him, baby. I know you would. He’s been a lifeline to me through the darkest days of my life, and hasn’t run away, yet.” I giggle through my sniffling.

  “He is my gravity. When I feel that I’m lost, drifting off course, he’s the stable force that pulls me back and anchors me.” A smile emerges through my tears as the words flow from my mouth.

  “Dan, you’re branded on my skin, handsome. Your tattooed hands will be on my body until the day I die. Every time I catch a glimpse of my naked skin, I see your hands on me. See, you’ll always be a part of me,” I rasp, his grey headstone swimming in my vision.

  Kissing my fingers, I place them over his name plaque.

  “I’ve decided to live again, Danny. I love you, sweetheart. I always will. I’ll visit again soon.” These are my parting words. They represent finality, and I feel an acceptance in them.

  I can live again now, Danny. I will always love you.

  * * *

  Back in my car, I sit for a few minutes, gathering my thoughts. I realise I’m very tactile with Dom, far more so than would be considered normal for me. I think it’s a subconscious insecurity that he’ll be taken from me, too. Like he’s too good to be true. I often just stare at him transfixed, knowing that I’m lucky enough to have been given a second chance at love with a good man like him. A year ago, I’d have thought it impossible for me to fall in love again.

  Yeah, I love this man. Madly. Deeply. Passionately.

  I love his smell, the slow, intimate smiles he gives me, which tilt the corners of his full lips. I love his calloused hands grazing my soft skin. I love feeling his eyes on me as I finish up my shifts at Jimmy’s, where despite the admiring stares he garners from other women, he pays them no attention, his burning gaze fixed on me solely.

  Watching little fan tail birds flitting from one tree to the next above the gravestones, Dom’s words ring in my ears, “Less than an ounce of courage bundled in feathers.” Taking a deep breath, I pull my phone from my bag and dial a familiar number.

  Courage. I’m going to need it in abundance, I think as I cut the engine in Danny’s parents’ driveway. As I slowly made my way up the paved drive, the front door bursts open before I reach the front deck. Mrs. Clayton throws her arms out to me, pulling me into a tight hug. My eyes burn. I’ve missed her, missed this house, and all the memories associated with it.

  “Katy, please come in. It’s been too long since we last saw you. How have you been, love?”

  Treading carefully with what to say next, I answer her. “I’m doing okay thanks Mrs. Clayton. How are you?”

  Dan’s parents had given up trying to get me to call them by their first names years ago. Maybe I’m an old soul in some ways, but calling adults by their first names seems to blur the lines of respect to me. Like Sarah, they call me Katy. It has always made me feel cherished.

  “Oh, we’re getting there, love. You know how it is. There are good days and some really bad days. Come sit yourself down, I’ll put the jug on, love.”

  Walking into Daniel’s childhood home again, I breathe through all the vivid memories of our uni days that echo along these walls.

  Mrs. Clayton pops her head out of the kitchen.

  “You still take two sugars and milk with your coffee, Katy?”

  I smile warmly back at her. “Yes, thanks.”

  Over coffee and biscuits, we catch up over the past few months. I learn that Mr. Clayton retired two months ago. The two of them have bought a campervan and are planning to see through a long-held dream to travel the country in their mobile home. I feel guilty. Since Danny died, I haven’t seen much of his parents. Nor Mom for that matter.

  Picking at a non-existent thread on my skirt, I mentally prepare for my next words. “There’s something I need to tell you. And I’ll totally understand if you’d prefer not to see me again once I tell you.”

  “You’ve met someone. You’re in love. I’m right, aren’t I?”

  My head snaps up. A soft smile tugs at her mouth. “H-how did you know?”

  “I took a guess, but I can see in your eyes, love. They’re lit from within like they used to be when you were around Dan.” I brace, waiting for her to ask me to leave. Instead, she gets up to take a seat beside me, taking my hand in hers.

  “I’m grateful that another man has been able to bring that light back, love. Daniel would never want for you to continue your life alone and miserable.”

  She is being amazingly understanding, and I have to wipe away an errant tear that rolls down my cheek.

  “I honestly thought you’d be more upset about this.”

  “Don’t be silly, Katy. We’d never cut you off, ever. And I know I speak for Mick, too. You were the love of our youngest son’s life. You brought him five years of joy. We looked to you as a daughter.

  It’s no surprise another man would fall for you as quickly as Daniel did. You’re a lovely girl that I’ve watched blossom into a beautiful, intelligent young woman. Love doesn’t have a set timetable. It’s not for us to judge another’s heart. If it feels right, this man treats you well, and you’re happy, then that’s all we could wish for. I’m sure your Mum agrees.” I hold her hand a little tighter.

  “I haven’t told her yet. We’ve only become serious recently, it just felt right to break the news to you first.”

  “Be sure to tell her soon, as she’ll be thrilled to know, love.”

  ~ 3:00 p.m. ~

  Leaving Danny’s parents house in good spirits, I still can’t shrug the nagging concern I’ve felt for the past few days, but haven’t dwelled on. Dominic has been acting strangely for the past week. Since that strange phone call at the beach, he’s been pre-occupied and distracted. Was the change in his demeanour related to the call, or is it something else entirely?

  Now that a few more people know about us, I’m concerned the news of our relationship is going to light up the gossip line like a scrub fire. He could soon feel very overwhelmed. He may do so already. These troubled thoughts churn around in my head as I swing my car around in the direction of Dominic’s house.

  Chapter 23

  BACKDRAFT

  ~ Dominic, 12 November 2011. The same day. 2:30 p.m. ~

  I need this woman to leave, and I’m trying to keep my cool, be civil. A week of stress. A week of wondering if that sleeping baby in the carrier on my kitchen floor is mine or not.

  I never took risks, always used protection. I slipped up, just once with Lisa. A woman I’d met in Auckland. She’s a looker, but doesn’t hold a candle to Kate. She and I had a booty call kinda arrangement, and she never pressured me. We’d hooked up, as mutual need arose, for a few rounds of awesome sex. This arrangement worked for both of us, and continued for a while before I relocated to Christchurch. No relationship issues, no strings. Or so I had thought. Judging by the look on her face, I’m thinking it meant something more to her than hot sex and a few drinks.

  Taking a deep breath, I lean back against the kitchen counter, running my hand over the back of my neck where tension is coiled tightly.

  “Why didn’t you just do the paternity test and get the results first before contactin’ me? It was a process of elimination after all. Instead you drop this on me, leavin’ me hangin’, scared shitless for over a week, Lisa. Why? It’s a huge fuckin’ bomb to drop on someone almost a year after our last contact. Shit. I’ve got a life here, for the first time in years, I’m settled.”

  She has the decency to look remorseful at least. “I know, Dominic. I’m really sorry. I was just so sure she was yours. I had hoped she was,” she admits tearfully, glancing down at the sleeping baby.

  Shaking my head, my eyes move to the baby carrier. I am in no way ready to be a father.

  “What’s her name, Dominic?”

  “Who?”

  “The woman you’re in love with.”

  “Who said anythin’ about love?”

  “I can see it, Domi
nic. You’re just, different. A woman has to be responsible for this change,” she says, wiping a lone tear that trickles down her cheek.

  I don’t owe this woman anything, but she is trying to make amends, so no use in me being an asshole about it. “Katrina.”

  She sucks in breath on hearing Kate’s name, fresh tears swimming in her blue eyes.

  God, nothing gets to me more than a crying woman. “Come here, Lisa.” She steps into my arms while crying softly. I hold her a little before she composes herself.

  “You’re a good man, Dominic. I wish you all the happiness in the world. She’s a lucky woman,” she says softly, cradling my cheek in her hand, then kissing me chastely on the mouth. I can see the sincerity in her eyes.

  “Thanks, Lisa, but I’m the lucky one. You take care of that little girl.”

  Having said our goodbyes, she leaves, and I lean over the kitchen counter releasing a huge breath at having narrowly dodged that bullet.

  Chapter 24

  LOCKING IT DOWN

  ~ Kate, the next day. 9:00 a.m. ~

  I retrieve the number I had saved on my phone while holidaying in Hanmer Springs and dial.

  “Um, hi, Jake?”

  “Speaking. How can I help you?”

  I take a deep breath. “Jake, my name is Kate. Are you still looking for dancers for your club?”

  “Kate, thanks for calling. Yeah, sure am. If you’d like to set up a time to come and see me, discuss things further, and go through some routines, I’d love to meet you. I actually have some time this afternoon. I’m free from three if this suits you?”

  Relief washes over me. “Yes I am. I can be there by three.”

  ~ 11:00 a.m. ~

  I put the pen down and squeeze my fists closed, willing my mind not to go there again. I choke back a sob thinking back to the night Dominic and I finally got together; our first kiss.

  “You’re in a free-fall, let me catch you,” he had said.

  I had taken the chance and entrusted him with my still healing heart, handing it over to him on a platter. However, yesterday afternoon, he pulverised it, cutting my soul open with the precision of a surgical knife. Devastating me in the worst possible way.

  My heart starts pounding against my ribcage as I think back to the events of yesterday…

  I had pulled up at the bottom of Dom’s driveway and cut the engine.

  Thinking I’d surprise him, I quietly made my way past the kitchen window. The sound of a woman crying softly stopped me in my tracks. I stepped to the side, and then slowly peered in. Dominic was in his kitchen with a woman I’d never seen before.

  I stood transfixed, powerless to move as he wrapped his arms around her. She then pulled back to cup his face with her hand, a shared intimacy evidenced by the adoration in her eyes. It was like an internal grenade ripped through me, shredding me from the inside out.

  When she emerged from the house a few minutes later, I had to press myself back against the wall to avoid being seen. But when I saw the baby carrier in her hands, I couldn’t move as the anguish paralysed me. The pain was physical; my heart feeling like it had just burst apart, leaving a mutilated hole in its place.

  God, he has a baby with this woman?

  This is obviously the reason why he’s been so distant lately. How he could string two women along at the same time was beyond me. Did pity for me hold him back from telling me about her? Was it sexual gratification that motivated him to keep her on the side, or was I the bland side dish and she the sexual main course?

  I mentally snap myself back to present.

  No, enough tears. I’m pulling the plug on us before the bastard has any more time on his hands to ditch me first. How did I not know? What signs did I miss?

  Leaving town is the only way I can see my way to safeguarding my heart from any further hurt. I’d rather cut my ties now and lick my wounds while I’m still capable of doing so, than stay here any longer and fall apart completely. I steel my resolve to never let on that I saw him. With her. Just thinking about them together, I want to throw up again.

  I pick up the pen once more:

  Dominic,

  I realise this may come as a shock to you. But I can’t do this with you any longer. I thought I was making progress and moving on, but it’s just too hard. Please don’t try and make contact with me. I need my space. I need to keep away from you and learn to stand on my own feet and not be dependent on another person. This is for the best. I need this. Please respect my wishes.

  Kate

  Sealing the envelope, I grab my keys, my gym bag containing a few carefully selected leotards, and my favourite pole-dancing corset.

  One stop to deliver my letter to Dominic, and then on the Hanmer Springs for an audition that will hopefully open a new chapter in my life.

  Chapter 25

  RUNNING ON EMPTY

  ~ Dominic, the same day ~

  Leaning against the door of my car for support, mind scrambling for purchase, my hand trembles as I re-read the note I found from Kate under the windscreen wiper:

  Dominic,

  I realise this may come as a shock to you. But I can’t do this with you any longer. I thought I was making progress and moving on, but it’s just too hard. Please don’t try and make contact with me. I need my space. I need to keep away from you and learn to stand on my own feet and not be dependent on another person. This is for the best. I need this. Please respect my wishes.

  Kate

  Its method of delivery, and her cold, dismissive words have me reeling. Whiplashed. Totally blindsided. The sting of rejection a painful slug to the gut.

  Why now out of the blue?

  What did I do wrong, or not enough of?

  Did me pushing for too much too soon, send her over the edge?

  These runaway thoughts barrel through my mind while I desperately think back over the past few weeks with her for any signs at all that this was coming. I come up empty-handed. Things have been going so well. That is, up until Lisa called me out of the blue with her revelation. Kate doesn’t have a clue about that, though. Given her turbulent emotions, I’d decided not to tell her unless I had to. Baby is not mine, so there is nothing to tell. Sure, I’ve been a little distant and moody while I waited for the paternity results, but this isn’t something she made too much of a fuss over. So this leaves me utterly clueless.

  I need fucking answers. Right away. Phone to my ear, I slam the engine into reverse, tyres squealing as I gun the gas and speed towards her apartment.

  Two hours later, and half a bottle of Jack under the belt, I’m sitting on my couch slouched over, my elbows resting on my knees, drunkenly spinning my phone through my fingers, willing for it to light up. For her to call me. To let me know she’s okay. Safe. At the very least, tell me why she is doing this to us. Why she’s breaking my heart.

  My visit to her apartment earlier yielded nothing. The place was all locked up. Nobody in sight.

  My head is now spinning, wild thoughts competing with too much alcohol. I must’ve blown up her phone with at least twenty missed calls, and dozens of text messages. She hasn’t picked up once, or replied to any of them. The calls all went to voicemail. I called Chase, who hadn’t heard from her, either. Sarah very clearly sounded torn when I spoke to her a few hours back. She knows where Kate is, but her loyalty to her friend prevented her from telling me anything other than that I needed to respect her wishes, that “whatever this is between the two of you” will sort itself out in time. I wonder if Kate has finally confessed to her closest friend that she and I have been in a relationship of sorts.

  By the following afternoon, I still haven’t heard a word, and her complete radio silence is causing my hurt to bleed into anger. And for every hour that passes by, my anger grows exponentially.

  ~ Kate, two days later ~

  Sitting in this café, I can feel Sarah struggling to accept my decision to leave. I had packed up quickly. I really didn’t need much. Clothes, a few photos, and a few mementos. The
quakes have taught me that life can’t be measured in things we possess. I still have all those I love in my heart, where they’re safe.

  “Why are you doing this and when are you coming back, Katy?” Sarah implores.

  “I need to do this, Sarah. It’s something I have to do for myself. Clean break. Time out. New surroundings. Please understand. It’s only a few months.”

  “What about Dominic?”

  I bite down on my trembling lip at the mention of his name. “I’m just not ready to move on. I thought I was, but I’m not.”

  Sarah shakes her head vehemently. “Nah, I’m not buying it, Katy. There’s something you’re not telling me here. You and Dom have been inseparable.”

  “Sarah, please. Just trust me. I need to do this. Dancing makes me feel alive, and it helps me sort through my emotions. I get that you might not understand this. Moving away from Christchurch itself for a while, and being able to dance for a living will give me what a year of therapy never could. It won’t be so bad. You can come and stay with me every alternate weekend, and I’ll cover your fuel, okay?”

  Sarah sighs deeply, unable to keep the emotion from her voice as she speaks. “Honey, I love you to bits. You know I’ll support you no matter what. If you really believe this will be a good thing for you, then I have no choice other than to accept it, but I’m going to miss you terribly. Seeing you twice a month is better than nothing, right? And no, you’ll not be covering my fuel costs.”

  “Love you too, babe. We can argue about the fuel costs closer to your trip,” I reply, pulling her into a hug.