The Ebb Tide

by Beverly Lewis

As she accompanied them to the photo booth, Sallie heard Autumn say, “We’ll freeze the memory of our zoo day.”

  Autumn insisted on paying for their pictures with her own money, and Sallie said she would wait for them right there. She pondered Autumn’s comments to the face painter. The mother has time for both of them. . . .

  “Does she still worry that Monique won’t have time or energy for her?” Sallie whispered.

  37

  Sallie walked past a three-story Italianate home on her way to meet Kevin at the beach the following Saturday morning. She’d discovered the architectural name for the ornate, colorful houses that looked like wedding cakes with lacy decorations. This particular house, a few blocks from the Logans’ summer home, had pastel pink siding with bold blue shutters and bracketed cornices accenting the front, as well as mini towers with adjoining arched windows. She gazed in wonder.

  “Time surely has wings,” she murmured, thinking how quickly the days had gone by since Frannie’s visit. Picking up her pace, she remembered Dawdi Riehl’s oft-shared saying: “Embrace each day as a gift.”

  How impatient she was to see Kevin again, despite the fact that Perry continued to write each week. Friendly as Perry was, she was confused why she wasn’t driven more to keep up with his interesting letters.

  Glancing at her watch, she realized it was at least a half hour earlier than Kevin had said to meet, but she had nothing else planned for today, except to read later and maybe take a dip in the lap pool.

  The promised dill pickles were tucked in her tote bag, along with two beach towels, in case Kevin wanted to sit on the sand and watch the waves. Sallie wondered if he’d made good progress on his online article. She couldn’t imagine writing as many words as was required, nor the detailed work involved in studying marine organisms. But she could picture herself traveling with him to various ocean-side locations around the world, listening intently as, at the end of a long day, Kevin described his work.

  Goodness, what are you thinking? She shook her head. It hadn’t been the first time she’d let her mind ramble to an impossible future with Kevin.

  At the beach entrance, she displayed her ID tag and looked out at the ocean. Kevin, too, had said he never tired of that first glimpse after being away. They had certain things in common, she realized anew. Important things.

  Just northeast of the umbrella rentals, she stopped to wait for him as people milled about, some already in line to rent beach chairs and umbrellas. Young children chattered and pranced in the sand, chasing each other.

  Suddenly, she realized she was being stared at—that old familiar curiosity that seemed to follow her everywhere—and wondered what it might be like not to be considered different.

  She ignored the gawkers and looked in both directions, up and down the beach, then out toward the waves, too, transfixed again by the sea’s cadenced motion. Even before the lifeguard had arrived, swimmers were already out on boogie boards. Sallie looked forward to coming back here with Autumn next week.

  Still so much fun ahead . . .

  From the near distance came Kevin’s contagious laughter. She couldn’t help but grin as she turned in the direction of his voice, only to quickly step out of the way of a group of swimsuit-clad young boys chewing on red licorice.

  “Excuse me,” she said as they rushed past.

  “Sorry!” They laughed and scampered away toward a group of beach towels and striped umbrellas.

  A split second later, she saw Kevin, no more than thirty feet away, walking with a tall, beautiful brunette. Was it the same lifeguard Autumn had known weeks ago? She couldn’t be sure, but Kevin seemed very comfortable talking with the young woman, inclining his head to hear what she had just said, then tipping his head back in yet another hearty laugh.

  Shielding her face with her hand, Sallie stepped back into the shade of the beach rental hut, continuing to observe Kevin and the brunette. They strolled to the lifeguard stand and stood there talking, Kevin smiling at her.

  Sallie winced. Of course he’s free to date.

  Still, her dismay at the sight befuddled her. Why do I feel so terrible?

  Unable to bear it any longer, she looked away, recalling that Kevin had once mentioned that the card store clerk’s granddaughter was a lifeguard, and that he knew her. Was this the same girl?

  For what seemed like hours, Sallie experienced a jumble of emotions from envy to disbelief to disappointment. I should’ve known better, she thought. We agreed to be just friends. Of course he’s free to date.

  She tried to reason away these strange feelings. Was she actually jealous? Afraid of losing her friend?

  When she glanced up, Kevin was heading this way, and the lifeguard was sitting high atop her station. Not knowing how to act, Sallie tried to smile.

  “Glad you’re here early, too,” he said, brushing sand off his forearms.

  “I brought ya some dills.” She patted her shoulder tote.

  Kevin mentioned having met his cousin Bethany for coffee. “That’s why I’m early.” He turned to point toward the lifeguard station. “That’s Bethany over there.”

  “Your cousin’s a lifeguard?” Relief swept through Sallie as she welcomed the unexpected news. Oh, she could breathe easier at last.

  Kevin nodded. “She has some boyfriend problems and wanted to bounce something off her older cousin.”

  Sallie scarcely registered what he was saying, other than the word cousin.

  “You all right?” he asked, frowning. “You look—”

  “Ach, I’m fine, really.” She opened the tote and pulled out the jar of dill pickles as a distraction. To her embarrassment, she realized her hands were shaking. I shouldn’t be so ferhoodled. . . .

  “You remembered!”

  “Of course.” She had trouble getting the words out.

  “Thanks!” Kevin said and offered to carry the tote for her. “I have a boat reserved for us down at the pier, but we’ll have to hop a trolley to get there. Are you up for that?”

  “Well, I brought my fancy sun hat. Sounds like fun.” Perhaps spending time with him would help to calm her down.

  Sallie recalled her insistence to Frannie that Kevin was merely a good friend, yet having experienced what she just had, mistaking his attentiveness to his cousin, Sallie recognized she certainly did not have things under control.

  They headed away from the beach to the trolley stop while Kevin described what he wanted to show her in the back bay waters where he’d gathered samples for his independent research project and article.

  “Will ya make your deadline?”

  “I’m pacing myself for sure, but I really want you to see some of what I do.”

  Ever so pleased, Sallie stepped into the trolley. Yet as they rode, she felt uneasy, concerned that she didn’t care this much about Perry. Truth be told, she wouldn’t feel at all the same if she spotted him with another girl.

  Sallie arrived at the Logans’ a few minutes late for the noon meal they had invited her to—a large family-style taco salad and tortilla chips with salsa, which Len and Autumn had prepared.

  When they sat down at the table, Autumn excitedly told her father about the trip to the zoo earlier in the week, particularly the twin baby snow leopards. “I wish you and Mom could see them, too, before we go home.”

  Len showed great interest, asking questions about the cubs’ birth date and names.

  “The zoo’s taking suggestions for names,” she told him.

  “Those little babies must’ve stolen your heart,” Sallie said, smiling at her across the table.

  Autumn nodded her head. “They were the cutest animals I ever saw.”

  Monique came to the table in a few minutes. “Connor is finally down for his nap. He had a hard time settling again today,” she said. “I’m not sure why—he’s been so much better lately.”

  “I think we’ll go to the beach this afternoon and let Mommy rest,” Len suggested to Autumn as he passed the bowl of taco salad to Monique.


  “Or, I could stay with Connor so you can all go,” Sallie offered.

  Monique exchanged glances with her husband. “Thanks anyway, Sallie.”

  Len looked understanding, but Autumn hung her head sadly.

  “Well, I’ll be at the cottage if you change your mind,” Sallie said, hoping Autumn would recover swiftly from this latest disappointment.

  Alone now in the cottage, Sallie recalled Kevin’s invitation to attend Sunday school and church tomorrow. He had approached the subject somewhat warily while they were floating along in the small boat, just the two of them and a million or more microbes, where he’d given her a glimpse into his world, out in the back bay. “I realize it’s asking a lot, but would you like to go to church with me? I’ve been thinking about this for a couple weeks,” he’d said, quickly emphasizing the blended nature of the group of believers who gathered for worship. “We even have a few German Baptists vacationing here for the summer.”

  Sallie had hesitated but relented at his hopeful expression.

  Ach, why did I say I would? Sallie thought as frustration swirled in like a churning sea. She’d agreed despite the alarm bells clanging in her head, wanting to prolong her time with Kevin. And now her heart ached with a crazy mixed-up yearning, knowing she would see him again, wishing it were sooner.

  She squinted out the window, squeezing her eyes shut and letting tears roll down her cheeks.

  38

  Waking up to the stirring refrain of birdsong, Sallie rose from bed and ambled over to the closet, where she perused the outfit she never should have purchased. Her mind was still reeling with yesterday’s strange emotions.

  Thinking of attending Sunday school and church with Kevin, she continued to stare at the fancy skirt and top. What will I do with them?

  The next thought startled her. Wear them once and donate them to a charity, maybe?

  Sallie tried very hard to picture Kevin’s face when he spotted her wearing this new outfit. If only for a single day, he could get a glimpse of a new side of Sallie.

  She began the day with prayer and Bible reading, then greeted the dawn, hoping she was doing the right thing.

  ———

  Sallie pulled on the floral skirt and blue top but put her hair back in the traditional bun, low at the nape of her neck—the only way she knew how to manage it.

  When it was time to meet Kevin at the curb in front of the Logans’, she slipped by without being seen. Or at least without being seen by Autumn, who might have made too much of it.

  Kevin did a double take. “Whoa, who’s this?” he said, eyes widening. “I had no idea you—”

  “Let’s go,” she said, quickly getting in as he held the door.

  Going around the car, he slid in on the driver’s side and looked at her admiringly. “Fancy works well for you, Sallie.”

  She hardly knew what to say. “I thought you might not approve.”

  “Why wouldn’t I?” he said lightly. “You look nice in whatever you choose to wear.”

  Her heart beat faster at the warmth she saw in his brown eyes, and she was almost sorry when he turned his attention to the car. As he pulled out onto the street, she tried hard to check the smile that threatened.

  Sallie had never before attended Sunday school. The people in her church district did not engage in discussion groups, nor did they have youth group Bible studies as in some other Amish communities out west. According to Essie, the ministerial brethren had always been concerned that dissecting Scripture in such a way might lead to promoting individual interests and questioning the Ordnung. Simple worship services held together in homes were their way to maintain harmony and uniformity.

  As she and Kevin pulled into the parking lot crowded with shiny cars, Sallie decided the boxlike meetinghouse looked quite unadorned despite its stark white steeple.

  Knowing Kevin’s eagerness for opening her door, she waited for him to come around and help her out. She felt out of place as she walked up the steps to the entrance, though no one could have suspected from her appearance how Plain she really was.

  Inside the church, a waft of a floral fragrance greeted her as an older woman stepped up to her, smiled, and welcomed her with a church bulletin. Two dozen or more people milled about, and for the first time ever when amongst the English, no one gave Sallie a second look. Like I’m wearing a disguise, she thought.

  A young man around Kevin’s age spotted him and waved them over. Touching her arm gently, Kevin led her to his friend and his wife, introducing her simply as “my friend, Sallie.”

  The couple welcomed her just as earnestly, and Sallie was impressed yet again with Kevin’s ease.

  Eventually, they made their way into what appeared to be an all-purpose room with a high ceiling, where Kevin explained that both Sunday school and church were held. A narrow podium stood in front of rows and rows of blue padded folding chairs—no hard benches in this meeting place.

  Sallie was relieved when Kevin chose seats for them toward the back third of the space, though she still felt overwhelmed.

  He gave her a concerned smile. “What are you thinking, Sallie?”

  “Oh . . . it’s just different than what I’m used to.”

  Kevin nodded. “I can only imagine, but you seemed very at home out there.”

  “Much too jittery,” she whispered.

  Kevin chuckled softly. “They were the nervous ones.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “They’re not used to seeing me with such a pretty girl.”

  Sallie knew she was turning pink, and before she could reply, Kevin opened the printed Sunday school lesson to show it to her. “All in English, too,” he said quietly.

  Nodding, she waited for the session to begin, not knowing what to expect. Eventually, people wandered in and randomly took their seats, unlike a Preaching service, where the womenfolk and little children filed in separately from the men and boys.

  The Sunday school lesson focused on living life God’s way—certainly a topic she and Kevin had discussed before. “We can count on Him to make our path clear, but it won’t always be easy,” the middle-aged man said, holding his Bible open with one hand while pacing the floor. “I’d like to encourage you from my personal experience that there will be times in your life when unexpected doors swing wide.” He paused for a moment, glancing at a woman in the front row, who nodded her head. Kevin had said she was the pastor’s wife. “But at other times, doors will firmly slam shut.”

  There was a quiet swell of agreement from the adult attendees, a little over a hundred in all.

  The teacher continued. “Sometimes moving where God has directed might make you feel like a fish swimming upstream.” He paused, then added, “What if the right path seems very much like the wrong one to those around you? What do you do then?”

  Sallie paid close attention, knowing that certain fish had to swim upstream in order to return to the place where they were born. Yet what does any of this mean for me?

  When the church service itself began, one of the ministers offered a formal-sounding prayer, and then a guitarist began to play a lead-in for the first song. Kevin seemed to know all the words, and Sallie did her best to follow along in the printed order of service, trying to join in.

  She delighted at the four-part harmonies from the congregation during an a cappella hymn, an appealing melody line with inspiring words. She caught Kevin’s glance and wondered what he was thinking. Was he trying to experience the service through her eyes? After all, he was no stranger to an Amish Preaching, having gone with his cousins as a boy.

  ———

  When it came time for the offering, led by a small ensemble of singers, Sallie felt drawn in all the more. The service followed an orderly transition from welcoming newcomers to the teaching segment, as Kevin had called it earlier. The preacher stood behind the podium and expounded upon the Sunday school lesson as Sallie listened intently, thoroughly absorbed in the message of putting trust in the Lord when difficult
life choices arose. It was as if the minister’s sermon were for her alone.

  She blinked back tears as they sang a closing hymn, feeling not only encouraged but incredibly vulnerable, too. Never before had she fought to compose herself during church. What she’d heard was at odds with what she had promised Mamm. Oh, the possibility of freedom, she thought. Spiritual freedom, indeed!

  “Did you enjoy the service?” asked Kevin when they were in the car, waiting their turn to file out of the crowded parking lot.

  With all of her heart, she longed to express the thoughts rushing through her mind. Truly, she’d never felt such a range of indescribable emotions during a few short hours on a Sunday morning. “I’m not sure I can put what I experienced into words,” she told him, looking at the modest church structure.

  He turned to face her, sitting behind the wheel. “Try, Sallie.”

  The way his eyes met hers, she sensed he was sincerely interested.

  “I don’t know how to say this, but maybe I was s’posed to attend your church today,” she said softly. “Maybe I—” She stopped, feeling overwhelmed again.

  “What is it?”

  “Well,” she said, taking her time to get it just right, “I began to wonder, as I sat in church, if God really intends for some people to be Amish . . . for life. But, on the other hand, I feel like I’m the fish trying to swim upstream back to my place of birth, ya know.”

  Kevin seemed to give this some thought, both of his hands tightly gripping the wheel. He nodded, then said simply, “Living wholly set apart from the world doesn’t have to be the only way to answer the Lord’s call, does it?”

  He said it so easily, as if it were the most natural conclusion.

  “Ach, Kevin . . . I was taught to believe that if you’re born into the Old Ways, it’s God’s will for you to be Amish. The heavenly calling—the expectation of the People—is that we serve the community . . . bear one another’s burdens in the confines of . . .” She blinked back tears, unable to continue due to a raw sense of incredible longing for the freedom that beckoned her.