Second Chances Boxed Set: 7 Sweet & Sexy Romances in 1 Book

by Tracey Alvarez

  “I knew he wasn’t mine before we made love. You know it’s you I want.”

  “Doesn’t sound as if you’re too picky about which woman you have, providing she can bring you children.” The shakiness, the nausea, the chills had faded away, leaving Susie feeling exhausted but composed. She stood up, opened the door and stood to one side. James didn’t move. “Just go.”

  “I can’t leave you like this.”

  “You have no choice.”

  “What can I say to show you how much I care for you?”

  “Nothing.”

  He rubbed his hand back and forth against his mouth. “Okay.” He dropped his hand, looked out the window and shook his head, opening his mouth to speak but uttering nothing more than gasps of air as the words seemed to evaporate on his lips. He looked at her then and she had to stop herself from walking over to him. He’d always had expressive eyes and the torment and despair in them was plain to see. It reached out to her and touched her, twisting the knife in the raw wound of her heart. His pain was her pain and would always be. She knew that now. She loved him but the truth was she couldn’t trust him to love her with the same passion and commitment. He reached out his hand for her. “Susie, please don’t go.” His voice was bleak with despair and yearning.

  She looked at him briefly before stepping towards the door. “James. I have to. Don’t you see? If I stay with you now, I’m done. I’ve given up on myself… and my son. I’ve more respect for myself than to give myself to someone who professes love for someone while preparing to marry another.”

  “It was a business arrangement, Susie. Business. Amanda had suggested it. She’d been through a tricky divorce, she needed money, we got on well. We had a relationship years ago but this wasn’t about sex. It was about a future in which we both got what we wanted. She got financial security and I got a home I could return to at night that had children in it, life in it. That’s all it was.”

  “Life is so easy for you, isn’t it?”

  “If it was, Susie, I wouldn’t have to make deals like that one. It’s all been second-best since you. I’ve been running around trying to find what I’d lost when you left my life. But it wasn’t to be found. Until I found you again. And you slotted into my soul like a missing piece of the puzzle.”

  “Then why didn’t you come to me sooner, James? Why? Okay, I changed my name. But even so, if you’d really wanted to find me you could have done.”

  “Your last words to me were that you never wanted to see me again. I’d spent a year at Glencoe waiting for you, hoping you’d return. After that I knew you weren’t coming back and I didn’t try to find out where you were because I didn’t think I had any right to know. So I let it go. I let you go and waited for the pain to subside. And it did. I kept busy. I held it at bay. But you know what?” He walked over to her and with both hands stroked her hair, his thumbs sweeping her cheeks. “It never went away. I thought I could live with it and then I discovered where you were. And I thought to myself, one last chance before I change my life forever. One last chance for me to help you and in so doing, lessen the knot of pain, shame and love that I held tight inside me. Do us both a favor.” He smiled sadly. “I should have known better.”

  She lifted her hands to his, which now cupped her cheeks. “James, oh James.” She closed her eyes against the tears that ran down her face. She gasped in a breath. “How could you have messed this up? How could you?”

  He shrugged, trying to dredge some lightness up from deep inside. It didn’t work. “It’s only important things I mess up. And you’re important to me. That knot inside, I’d got so used to it that I had no idea that seeing you would unravel it… would unravel me. It turns out that that knot held a secret, something simple, something very straightforward. My love for you. I love you, Susie. I love you like no one else, I love you with all of my heart and my soul and my body. And… I don’t know what else I can say to convince you.”

  His words swept through her with the warmth of a healing balm, soothing her fears, stimulating her body, but not quieting the nagging voice of distrust in her head. Instinctively she brought her face closer to his. “Words,” she whispered against his mouth. He frowned. “Just words, James,” she repeated more strongly now. She shifted the palms of her hands over the back of his hands and closed her eyes as she tried to press their shape, size and texture into her mind for a time when she wouldn’t have them. Then she gripped them and pulled them from her face. “You’re so good with words, they slip off your tongue. I hear your words but I can’t feel them any more, I can’t trust them any more.”

  “What can I say to make you trust me again?”

  “Nothing. No more words. You have to go, now.” She counted the seconds against the thumping beat of her heart.

  He looked up suddenly and nodded. “No more words. Okay.” He didn’t move for five of the beats of her heart. “I’ll find a way to get through to you, Susie. To make you trust me again. I have to because I can’t go back to what I was before. It’s too late for that.”

  “Too late,” she whispered, whether echoing his words or restating her own thoughts, neither knew for sure. “Just go.”

  “For now, yes. But I’ll be back, Suse.”

  “Please no. I can’t take it. Don’t come back to the island with me, James. If you have any small feeling for me, just leave me alone.”

  “I’ll leave, but I’ll be back. I can’t let you go. I’m sorry, Susie. I’m so sorry.” He turned and walked out the door without a backwards glance.

  She pressed the door closed and slumped against it, her whole body trembling. She splayed the palms of her hands against the door, as if she were feeling him, clinging to him, even as she heard his footsteps disappear into the executive lounge.

  The return journey to New Zealand slipped by in a blur of strangely dreamless sleep and a dull, dreamlike wakefulness. It was only when Susie first caught sight of the island’s wharf from the bow of the ferry that she felt the numbness begin to wear off. She tried to distract herself with a newspaper but, after re-reading the same sentence for ten minutes, she gave up and sat back, closed her eyes and gave herself up to her memories of James.

  He filled her and she couldn’t help her body shifting, responding to the vivid memory of how he’d physically filled her the previous day. It had been all she’d ever wanted and had, for a brief time, opened up a future, free of mundane practicality and rigid rules she’d run her life by. James was poetry, he was emotion, he was a force that swept her into a realm where she became someone better, the essence of who she was, and who she should be.

  But it was all built on nothing. She couldn’t believe in that version of herself when it was created on empty words, lying words, words that gave, and at the same time, took away.

  She opened her eyes and focused on the people around her. She had to concentrate, she couldn’t think of him or else she’d break down and she couldn’t break down here. Not yet. She gripped her bag tightly, and sat up taller on the hard seat outside on the deck. People walked by, some she recognized and exchanged rote greetings with. What a difference a few days could make. When she’d left the island she’d been a confident, strong woman who’d been enjoying, despite herself, and resisting the charms of her ex lover, but the resistance hadn’t lasted and she’d fallen into a mire that she couldn’t see her way out of.

  She disembarked the ferry and caught a taxi up to the winery. It was all so familiar to her and much loved, but now she closed her eyes against it because all she could see was an emptiness where none had been before. She arrived at the winery and she paid up and closed the door. She didn’t know how long she stood looking up at its familiar adobe facade. She practically lived there but now she couldn’t face it.

  Wearily, she turned and walked down to her house. Tom wasn’t due back for days. And nor, officially, was she. She got undressed, pulled on her father’s old chenille dressing gown and thick marl socks and curled up on the wicker chair facing the ocean, final
ly giving way to her feelings, with only the sea as witness.

  Chapter Twelve

  Forty-eight hours later

  James slammed the door of the hire car and looked up at Whisper Creek winery, and around the vineyards, golden in the evening sunlight. His sunglasses protected him from the full blast of the New Zealand sun but, even so, he winced under the glare. He was exhausted. He’d hardly slept in two days, so intent was he on putting to rights the wreckage of his life, on sorting out his business so he could focus on the one thing he knew he wanted.

  He glanced at the cottage and locked the car. She’d be at work at this hour. He’d go and find her shortly, just to let her know he was here, if she didn’t know already. Only that. Then he’d be gone because he had other plans.

  Susie frowned at the sudden knocking that had woken her up. She pulled the dressing gown around her more tightly and made a vague attempt to smooth down her mussed hair. She hadn’t left the cottage in two days and she had only one more day before Tom arrived. It couldn’t be Tom, though. It was too early. She glanced at the clock—not that early maybe. What if something was wrong?

  She hurried down the wooden hallway, the yellow walls glowing from the sunlight that poured through the stained glass above the front door. She pulled it open and squinted up into the light. The air pushed out of her lungs and she gripped the handle for support. “James!” She couldn’t see his face clearly as the sun was bright behind him but she could sense the tension.

  “You haven’t been at work.”

  “You’ve come here to tell me to get to work?”

  “I was worried. You haven’t left the cottage in two days. Jorja told me.

  She shrugged. “I…”

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m…fine.” She smoothed down the chunky folds of the dressing gown, but it made no difference. She felt a mess and knew she looked a mess. She drew her arms around herself. “Although I don’t see what that has to do with you.”

  He smiled then. “Still angry then. That’s something. I thought you might be sick.”

  “Is that why you’re here? Because you somehow heard I might be sick?”

  “Partly. If I could come in I’ll explain.”

  She didn’t move but she obviously didn’t have as tight a hold on the door handle as she’d imagined because his gentle push opened the door, releasing it from her hands.

  “Do I have a choice?”

  “Of course. You always have a choice.” He didn’t move. “Is Tom here?”

  “Jorja didn’t tell you that?” She sighed. This wasn’t the time for sarcasm. “He’s due back tomorrow.”

  James nodded, his brow furrowed. “Right. Look, Susie, I’m sorry I didn’t let you know I’d be coming. But I’m not staying, I just wanted to tell you before you heard it from someone else.”

  Susie’s heart dropped. He must mean he was going ahead with the marriage. What else? The sooner he came in, said what he had to say, the better. “Sure.” She stepped aside, pulled the belt of the bulky dressing gown more tightly around her and watched as he walked up the hall to the sitting room, ahead of her.

  He went straight to the open windows where the white curtains blew in the sea breeze. His shoulders rose and fell as he inhaled deeply. She stopped just behind him. He scanned the deep blue line of the horizon that nestled between the two rocky promontories of the bay. The wind was brisk that morning and the blue of the sea was scuffed with white. The sound of the waves crashing onto the beach filled the air.

  “I’d forgotten how beautiful it all is.”

  She cleared her throat. She mustn’t let him get to her. “Wild, is what it is.”

  “Natural.”

  “It’s beautiful in the Napa Valley. California must have plenty of places more beautiful than this.”

  He shook his head but didn’t speak. When he turned around she saw for the first time the dark shadows under his eyes. She frowned. She’d never seen him look so tired. She fought back an urge to touch him, clenching and unclenching her hands.

  “When are you returning?”

  He frowned as his eyes searched her face as if looking for clues. But he didn’t speak.

  “James?”

  The spell was suddenly broken and he raised his eyebrows in query. “I’m sorry, Susie. When am I returning?” He shrugged. “I’m not. I’ve sorted things out with Amanda, as you know. And my business. I’m not returning.”

  An overwhelming sense of relief filled her but she couldn’t let it affect her. So he might not be marrying Amanda, yet he’d still betrayed her trust in him. “And you’ve come here to see if I’ve changed my mind? Because I won’t. I told you in California that I can’t trust you. There’s nothing you can say that will change my mind.”

  “I know.”

  “Then why are you here?”

  “I’m moving here, permanently.”

  She shook her head. “No. I meant it James. You can’t just come back and expect me to fall into your arms.”

  For the first time since his arrival, something like the old smile broke through his serious expression. “Expect? Maybe not. But I can hope.”

  “Forget it.”

  “Anyway, that’s not what I’m here for now. I’m here to tell you I’m staying at The Lodge for next few months.”

  “Why? What?” She couldn’t go on. She couldn’t form a single rational question from the many that piled up in her brain.

  “I made a mistake when I left you once before. I won’t be doing that again. I’m not going anywhere this time.”

  “You’re kidding me? Are you going to stalk me or something?”

  “Now, there’s an idea. But seriously? No, I’m not.”

  “But, James, what the hell are you going to do with yourself? You’re not working at the winery, are you?”

  He laughed. “No, of course not. I won’t have the time.”

  Her frown deepened. “Look, am I missing something here? You’ve cut off your ties from your US business interests, you’ve moved here, you’re not going to be working at the winery and you’re not going to be stalking me.”

  “Correct.” He stepped towards her then, his smile gentle as his eyes roved over her obviously confused face. He began to reach up but stopped himself and stepped back. “No stalking, no words of seduction. I’m going to show you, Susie, that you can trust me, that I’ve changed. Show you.” He didn’t wait for her to reply. But gave a tight, rueful smile, looked down at his dusty shoes and walked away down the hallway.

  Dumbfounded, Susie didn’t move, simply watched him open the door to the bright sunlight, its beams spotlighting her for a brief moment before the door was closed. James was gone, and the cottage felt emptier than ever.

  For the fourth day running, Susie stepped out onto the deck into the bright morning sunshine and watched as James untied the small motor boat from the jetty at the other end of the bay. He was dressed in casual jeans and t-shirt, carrying a box of something heavy by the looks of things. He dropped it into the boat followed by a rucksack that he’d had on his back. A rucksack? Since when did James Mackenzie own, let alone carry, a rucksack? Not since he was twelve years old, she suspected.

  She narrowed her gaze as she tried to piece together the clues. She had no idea where he was going, what he was doing, or anything about how he’d been spending his time over the past few days. Like before, he didn’t turn to look at her although the bay was small and he must surely have been aware of her. But there was no acknowledgement.

  Susie fidgeted as the realization struck her that she wanted him to notice her. She banged her booted foot against the post, ostensibly trying to shift the dried mud, but it wasn’t the mud that was agitating her. He’d kept his word—he hadn’t stalked her, in fact he’d ignored her. The only time she saw him was every morning and evening, getting into a boat and getting out of a boat. Her only communication had been by email in reply to any business matter she needed him to know about. Otherwise, there had been silen
ce. He’d always left The Lodge by the time she arrived at the winery in the morning, not arriving back to the bay until late in the evening.

  What was he up to? She hadn’t a clue because she hadn’t asked and no one was telling her.

  And she didn’t want to know. Of course she didn’t. He’d simply come up with some weird and wonderful scheme to get her interested. He’d grow bored. He’d soon be gone because that was what James did, didn’t he?

  She locked the cottage and walked up to the winery. As soon as she entered the wine-tasting room, the women fell quiet.

  “Don’t mind me,” she muttered, as she walked through to the winery.

  She heard the murmurs begin again before she’d shut the door, like waves closing in behind her. She shook her head. The sooner he went the better. Then why did she feel so different? The buzz of excitement she’d felt at seeing him again had refused to leave her, despite her best arguments. If he could seduce her while preparing to propose to someone else, what else could he do?

  She sighed and tried to focus on her work. She grunted and backspaced her reply to James’s email. She picked up her cell phone and hit the text button. She’d find out. She had a right to know.

  Where are you? Need some papers signed.

  It was a lie but she’d think of something. The reply came almost immediately.

  Will sign tonight.

  She bit her lip and tapped her phone on the table. Okay, so he was being cagey. What the hell was he hiding? She jumped up and walked around the winery until she found Jorja.

  “Time for a coffee?”

  Jorja raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Coffee? Sure, why not.” She dropped her clipboard onto the desk and followed Susie out to the cafe. She sat back, put her feet up on the rough table and crossed her arms.

  Susie felt distinctly uncomfortable. She smiled slightly and then turned away, trying to work out how to broach the subject. “Work going okay?”