Finding Him

by Naomi Townsend

  Debbie explains her situation to them. Her parents are prominent in the business sector and had given her two days to move out. She’s 4 months pregnant, she’s already taken her GED and is enrolled at the community college taking as many classes as she can before the baby comes. “Do you know who the dad is?,” Anika asks. A look of sadness appears on Debbie’s face when she hears the question. She takes a moment trying to decide whether she wanted to answer. “ David died a couple of months ago,” she says hesitantly. A silence falls over the table. “ He was sick,” she says. A tear escapes her eye and rolls down her cheek. “He had Leukemia,” she says. “ Cliche right?” She says with a little laugh. Anderson and Anika attempt to laugh but it's weird. “He’s the only guy I ever loved for real. No one believes me because I'm so young when I say that but we had something special...." she says as tears stream down her face. “We were always talking about getting married and having kids. We had our future all planned out, but,” she takes a pause she fiddles with a blue crescent necklace around her neck. “But, the doctors said he wasn’t going to make it. I was sure he was going to beat the odds though,” she says. “ I wanted us to be together forever and I was sure God wanted that too. But, he just kept getting worse. We were in his bed one day and it just happened. It was like our final goodbye, I guess." “But, things started looking up and I felt in my heart God was answering our prayers. And then I found out I was pregnant.” She pauses a look of shame passes her face, but she regains her composure. “ He was so happy,” she says with a smile. “He already had names picked out. But, then things got worse and he died,” her face goes blank and she looks down at her hands. “His parents don’t know. I guess they’ll be happy but they’re very conservative and,” she stops unable to continue.

  Anika grabs her hand. “I just feel so guilty and happy at the same time. The fact is I knew better and I chose not to do it for love,” she said looking at Anderson and Anika. Anderson sits back in his chair for a moment. He leans forward with his chin on his hand “ Look you're not a robot and you're not Jesus, you're a mistake prone human being. So, you screwed up like everyone one else, but the difference between you and everybody else is that you apologized and turned away from the sin you did. And that's all God wants. He's already cast that sin into the sea of forgetfulness like Micah 7:19 says. So, you don't have to be ashamed or guilty anymore because God has forgiven you." "The thing no one tells you about sinning as a Christian is that accepting God’s forgiveness is a ten times harder at least in my experience. The shame that tells you that you knew better but you still did it is a non-stop voice trying to talk you out of accepting your forgiveness but you have to shut that voice down with the truth that you are forgiven and God still loves you the same." Anderson says. “That’s why I brought him,” Anika says smiling . Debbie smiles feeling better about her situation. The group continues getting to know each other for another hour and then Debbie leaves. Anika realizes she needs to get home so she tells Anderson bye before she walks away she turns around with a weird feeling and asks Anderson to pray for her he assures he will be praying (obviously). Anika gathers her siblings and they leave. Love is the best and worst thing ever. I know some of you are like I'm gonna skip this part because I don't even have a crush right now a significant other. But, love isn't just about a significant other. Love along with grace amd everything tied between them is the hidden force that drives humanity. It teaches some of the greatest lessons and causes some of the most heart wrenching pain. Love itself is just a word and it can be used lightly or with great conviction. But, love is a body language that speaks louder than words. Love is intoxicating. It gets into your blood stream and the fumes get into your head and sometimes cloud your judgement. And because love can sometimes have such an overwhelming and intoxicating effect it can take over your sound judgement. It is easier to say you won't have sex when you're not faced with that from your partner but when that happens it is a whole different ball game.

  They arrive home and unload the car. Thankfully the doors locked. Anika goes to unlock the door but her key doesn’t work. She knocks on the door and her mom answers it she looks upset. “Hi mom,” Anika says hesitantly. She doesn’t reply. “May we come inside?,” she asks. Her mom barely opens the door and they all go inside. Anika tells the other kids to go to their rooms and change and get ready for dinner. Her mom is till death glaring her. As soon as all the kids are upstairs she turns to her mother and asks her what the problem is. Her mother just points to the study. Anika is confused she’s sure her and Anderson cleaned that one especially! “Mom I don’t get what’s the matter?,” she said confused. “ Go into the living room right now young lady,” her mother orders. She walks to the living room and sits on the couch.

  Her dad is standing there leaning on the TV set, he looks angrier than her mom. “Would someone like to tell me what’s going on?,” Anika asks. Her dad throws a jacket at her. She picks it up to look at it. She realizes it’s Anderson’s. “So you had a party last night?,” her dad asks her accusingly. Anika nearly fell off the couch, was he SERIOUS? Did he not remember the drunken and God knows what else night? She couldn’t believe it! Her blood swells and runs hot through her body. How could they even begin to major in this extreme minor? She stood up from the couch and paced angrily back and forth, trying to figure out what to say that would still honor her mother and father (she was definitely not losing life points for this (Ephesians 6:1 says honor thy mother and father that you days will be long)). Her anger bursted out of her she tried to be as quiet as possible so her siblings wouldn’t hear “ How did you come to that conclusion dad? Because if anything I would assume you had rager from what I came home too!,” Anika screamed whispered angrily. “You really have got to be kidding me! Never in my whole existence would I had thought I’d be putting clothes on my own father and mother plus two strangers,” Anika is gesturing wildly as she speaks, she’s livid. Her mother chimes in now “ Anika Lynn Wilson do not raise your voice at your father!” Anika tried to make her mouth apologies for yelling but she really couldn’t get herself to say it sincerely. “I told you Martha that she was getting out of hand. I even asked the pastor about it. Anika's eyes nearly fall out of her head when she hears that. What are we going to do with her? She keeps violating our authority?” At this moment Anika became very calm and spoke to her parents “ Y’all must be blind because I have been taken up the role of mom for two days now. I have had to drive your drunk selves to a hotel plus your extra guest. Pay for a room for you and all your disgusting heathens. I have taken your kids to Playland. Again, with my money so they wouldn’t have to come home to this tomfoolery. And you really want to magnify that I had a boy over to help me clean up the house you destroyed? DO you even know how sleep deprived I am? Do you know how little I’ve eaten these past few days?,” Anika stops for a moment her parents faces have not softened they look angrier. “WHAT I DO IN MY HOUSE IS MY BUSINESS!,” Paul Wilson yells right in his daughter face. Unmoved by his closeness to her she leans right up close to his face and says through gritted teeth “NOT when you have six impressionable kids in the house,” Anika says staring directly into her father’s eyes. The fire in Anika’s eyes far surpasses her fathers. Martha grabs Anika and yanks her away from where she is standing. “ Young lady you have not done a thing in the past 16 years to support this house and just because you’ve taken on some new responsibilities does not give you the right to disrespect me or your father!,” Martha says. Anika is heated now, “I haven’t done anything for this house? Are you joking? I have cooked, cleaned, nurtured, cradled, disciplined, and so many other things for YOUR KIDS, to make sure they feel loved! I have protected them from the wrath of y’alls arguments. Lied on your behalf dad to save face in front of them for your sake. And I have never once even breathed a disrespectful word to them about either one of you, unlike the both of you.

  How dare you say I haven’t done anything for them I love those kids like they were mine!” Anika steps back so she can
see both of her parents “ and what have I gotten in return? No thanks. No gratitude. Just constant griping about each other. And I finally found somebody who cares about me and is willing to come help me if I need it no questions asked, and y'all nearly blow a fuse! Am I not human enough to be recognized as your child and not someone who bothers or annoys you? Am i that worthless to you? Now all of a sudden you're worried about my life and find me at fault for having a boy over when ask your person because both of y'all were passed out?

  "I'm suffocating in my own misery and acting like everything is okay. Some nights I can't breathe thinking about all of this crap! I'm exhausted and I'm trying to stay checked in but everyday more and more I want to checkout. To drop everything and run away from this life of dysfunction." Anika looks at both of her parents. “I thought we were a Christian household but were not apparently. But, yet and still I haven’t told those kids anything about you I have beared my pain in silence and this is the thanks I get. It's greatly appreciated." she says sarcastically.

  They all stare at each other and finally Paul breaks the silence. In a low voice he says “Get out.” Anika doesn’t move she isn’t sure if he’s serious. “Get out of my house Anika. I don’t ever want to see you again,” he says. Anika still doesn’t move. Her mom throws a bag at her and pushes towards the door. Anika opens the door and before she can turn around her dad is in between the life she knew and her new life. “I wouldn’t even bother showing up at school, church, or anywhere I have put my money into. You better not talk to OUR kids if you do I will put a restraining order so thick you’ll have to move out the city,” Paul Wilson says and slams the door in her face. Anika looks around she feels the world spinning faster around her. She starts to walk down the sidewalk towards the street. She feels like she's dragging the heaviest weight down the street. She can't seem to think straight she just keeps moving down the street. "Left, right, left, right, dont trip," she murmurs to herself.

  Anika reaches the end of hee neighborhood and turns around to look. Years run down her cheeks she turns around and walks out of the neighborhood. She walks downtown staring blankly ahead and reminding herself to keep walking. She looks stops at the park and sits on a bench. For a moment the world stops spinning. She closes her eyes and drifts off into a swirling storm of darkness. Her thoughts and fears come to life and the doubts and fears try to suffocate her. She tries to get out but she can't. Then suddenly everything starts shaking. She opens her eyes to see a worried mom shaking her awake, as her two kids look. "Are you okay, sweetie?" Anika looks around "ummm... yeah I'm okay," she says disoriented. "It seemed like you were having a panic attack and I just wanted to make sure you were okay," she said looking concerned. "Thanks for checking on me I'll be alright," Anika says getting up. She walks down the street planning. "Hey," a voice from behind Anika says. She keeps walking not recognizing the voice. "Hey, Anika where are you going?" Anika stops and turns around. As soom as she turns around she is embraced in the strongest and softest body she has ever felt. "Emmy just texted me what happened. You're going to stay with me tonight. And we'll sort the rest out tomorrow or whenever you can. Let's go."

  A thing to know about Anderson is that he is a child genius. He graduated high school when he was 15. He was accepted on a full scholarship to William Bay University and his parents bought him an apartment for the four years he’d live in Williamson Bay. He’s not the rich preppy type he has a job to pay the lights, heat, groceries, clothes, and other expenses.

  The short car ride to Anderson's is quite. He watches Anika carefully as she gets out of the car and into his apartment. For the next hour they sit next to each other in silence. After an hour of sitting Anika turns to Anderson and explains everything that had happened. After she explained everything Anderson just gave her a hug. He understood that his words were not going to be effective in this situation, but his presence would.

  Anika was still in shock. Her mind spun with worries and troubles and suddenly Anderson’s voice cut through her thoughts. She realized that he was praying for God to strength her and her family in their time of distress. He asked God to show up and show out as only He can. When he had finished praying Anika was trembling with tears streaming down her face. He went over to her and cradled her rocking back and forth whispering to her shaking body in between heart wrenching cries he said repeated Jeremiah 29:11. “I know the thoughts that I think towards you says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a hope and a future.” He prayed in his heart that in her darkest hour Jesus would shine the brightest he had ever for her.

  Chapter 5

  So That Happened. What Now? Anika and Anderson sit next to each other on the couch. They haven’t spoken in about thirty minutes. Her tears have stopped and everything is setting in. The sky blue walls in Anderson’s apartment are a contrast to her feelings right now, she finds the wall annoying, taunting her with happiness when she’s trying to figure out how to feel. She finally turns to Anderson and says casually “ wanna eat?” For the next hour and a half the two cook dinner. It's an elaborate meal of spaghetti and cheesy bread, and cake for dessert. Anderson cooks while Anika bakes the cake. Cooking takes the edge off of the situation and puts Anika in a clearer headspace. By the time everything is ready Anika feels ready to talk about the next steps she’ll have to take.

  The two seat at the table they pray and dig into it. The food is delicious so much so they don’t talk until they’ve finished eating. They talk over cake and milk. “ So do you have any idea what’s the next step,” Anderson asks. “ I’m going to take my GED. I’ve been contemplating it for awhile so this is kind of a push into that,” Anika says poking at her cake. “I contacted Williams University a few months ago and they said if I took my GED I could still take classes, so I’ll probably start classes in a few weeks. Registration for classes starts in a couple of weeks. That gives me enough time to get grants, scholarships, and financial aid if I need it,” she says. “I have to get a new job because my dad got me that job at the firm and he said everything connected to him that he’s done for me is not available to me anymore,” a tear escapes her eye she doesn’t notice it. Anderson listens to her plan, his heartaches seeing her suffer so much. “ I’ve had my name on the GED test list and I've taken the classes so that's taken care of all I have to do is get a job," she says. “Oh and I have to change phone carriers,” she says sadly. Anika gets up from the table she’s obviously a again million miles away. Planning had taken the little joy she had. She cleans up the kitchen and goes back to the couch. She picks her bag up off the floor and looks inside there’s nothing of her’s in it just socks. And a notes on top of the pile. It said:

  Dear Anika Lynn (find a new last name). We are writing to inform you of the cancellation dates of any remnants of you from our live.

  Phone Bill off by 12:00 a.m. today.

  School has already been notified to escort you off the premises if they see you.

  I’ve told your boss you’ve won’t be coming back. He issued a final payment but all the money you’ve made and hidden has come under our possession as rent and utilities.

  Your room has already been cleaned out we have nothing of yours.

  You will also find a restraining order attached.

  All number have been changed and we’re moving at the end of the week.

  And you are not insured.

  Martha and Paul Wilson. Anika throws the bag across the room and screams in frustration. "I cant believe this," she whispers. She sits down on the couch and turns on the T.V. Anderson watches her from the kitchen. She binge watches the "Guardian," until 2:00 a.m. She turns to Anderson who is fighting off sleep in a chair next to the couch. "What if CPS finds out. I'm not emancipated my parents still legally are my guardians. I don't want to go into foster care!" She spins off into a tunnel of worries and anxiety “Marry me,” Anderson says. Anika snaps back into reality. “Say what now?" “ Marry me,” he says again. “ Woah buddy. Just hold on a precious second." Anika looks
at Anderson trying to figure out if he's serious. He seems to be. "Okay I get it If we get married then CPS can’t take me because we’re both 16 and have basically stable lives. I going to get a job and you have a job you have a job and an apartment up to code,” she says thoughtfully. “Right,” Anderson says. The two looked at each other and saw the first glimmer of hope. “ Okay you set it up." Anika says.

  With one plan out of the way and a little peace Anika drifts to sleep. Her sleep is restless and she finally gets up. She looks at the clock and realizes she’s only slept for thirty minutes. She tries for thirty more minutes to go to sleep. She finally gives up and goes in search of a Bible. She finds one on top of the table. She flips through it in hopes of finding a scripture that will help her. She lands on Psalms 34:17-20, Anderson must have needed that scripture to because it was highlighted. Verse 18 stood out to her the most though it said “ The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart and saves such as have a contrite ( feeling or expressing remorse).” She read that section over and over again until she had it in her brain. The words gave her a comfort that she needed and an unexplainable peace. She asked God to give her directions for the day and to guide to where she was supposed to go.