by Saundra
I got up early and went into work to tie up some loose ends with some paperwork on a few deliveries that I had promised I would get done. Then I made the drive down to see Felicia. I had to speed all the way there, because I had left the office later than I had planned. I did not want to miss the visiting hours. Thankfully, I made it just in time for the cutoff. I got checked in and was happy when Felicia made her entrance.
“Boy, am I glad you see you,” I admitted right away. I was not in the beating-around-the-bush mood. I need to make every second count so I could tell her everything that was going on with me. Except I would conveniently leave out the part about me sleeping with Bobbi. That bit of information might cause her to smack me for being so dumb. Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to blame her.
“What’s going on now?” She jumped right in.
“Secret is mad at me. It’s been a few days, and I haven’t heard anything from her. I even think she’s avoiding me at the office.”
“Well, have you tried calling her?”
“No, I have not.” I crossed my arms like a spoiled kid. “Why do I have to call her first? She always gets her way.” I pouted.
“I swear, if you and Secret don’t both grow up already . . . Tell me what happened?” Felicia finally asked me.
“Okay, Penny’s therapist wanted Secret to come in to see her. Long story short, I convinced her to go, for Penny’s sake if anything. Because Penny really stressed to me that’s what she wanted.”
“So did she go?”
“Yes, and that’s where the drama come in. At the session Secret finds out that Penny was drinking because she still was having nightmares about the rape. Also Penny admitted she moved out because she wanted to give Secret her space. Even though Secret didn’t want her to move out. But Penny feels she was smothering Secret. Anyhow, Secret now blames me that she went to the meeting to find all this out.”
“But these were things that she needed to know,” Felicia said. She seemed confused.
“Correct, she did need to know. But she ain’t gone admit that to herself, so she blames me. Now I feel bad because she hurt.” I thought of Secret and hated when we fought.
“Aww, this gone be okay. Secret just need some time. Trust me, she knows what you convinced her to do was the right thing to do. She had to find out how Penny feels. All that is a part of Penny healing. Don’t worry.” Just hearing Felicia’s take on the entire situation eased my nerves. For one, I knew she wouldn’t tell me anything to hurt me, and what she had said was the only rational thought anyone could have after listening to the situation. Now I just had to sit back and wait for Secret to realize the same thing. I had only told her what was in my heart, and that was to be there for Penny. And honestly, if I had to do it all over again, the outcome would be the same.
“See, I knew talking to you about it would help. I feel better all ready.” I smiled from within.
“So what else is bothering you?” she asked, as if it was second nature.
“Oh, I’m cool,” I lied. The lady was a magnet, and my problems were pulling me toward her. There had to be relief on my face from the conversation we had just had. How could she see anything else?
“Isis, let’s not do this. You belong to me. I know when something is going on. Let’s talk about it and get it over wit’.” I froze with apprehension.
“I’ve been hangin’ out wit’ Bobbi,” I admitted. There was no way I would tell her I had slept with him.
“Why, Isis? Why must you hang wit’ this dude? He stole from you. One of the ultimate betrayals from the man who you planned to spend your life with.” She reminded me of that as if I had forgot. That was one detail I would never forget. I hated to hear it out loud. “The bastard deserves to be in jail, not be your friend.” She looked at me as if surely I was crazy. Shit, maybe I was.
“See, the thing is . . . he apologized to me and paid back the money, every cent.” I said that as if she would jump up and say she forgave him, too.
“Wait, he paid the money back? But this still does not make it right. Isis, he stole from you. What’s to stop him doing it again?” She had made a point there, but I wasn’t done yet.
“Okay, the situation is this. Bobbi had a gambling problem. He owed some guys some money. He didn’t know how to tell me, so he just took the money. But he had to disappear until they were paid, because they were looking for him to kill him. And he didn’t want to bring that heat around me. But he always planned on paying me back. That’s why he was trying to talk to me. He wanted to pay me back and apologize to me for what happened.”
“And you fell for that? Sounds like bullshit to me. But, hey, I’m just a bystander.” I would have laughed, but I knew she was serious. So instead I decided to explain my reasoning.
“Yes, I believe him. Think about it, Felicia. He didn’t have to pay me back. He was gone; he could have stayed gone. Instead, he paid me, and frankly, I believe him. See, back before he ran off, I do remember him getting these phone calls and looking as if something was wrong. I just assumed he worried about his business with fixing the cars.”
“Hmmm, okay, say this is the truth. Why out of all the people in Miami you have to hang out with him?”
“Because I forgave him.” My answer was simple as far as I was concerned. But I knew how that sounded to someone else. At the end of the day, they only see the wrong he had done me.
“You can forgive him and be done with him.” Felicia also had a point. And now with the situation I was in with him, I wished I had done just that.
“And you’re right. He opened up a clothing store in Miami, and he asked me for my help with some business questions. Other than that, that’s it,” I once again lied.
“Well, for your sake, I hope you stay away from him. I don’t trust him.” Her words reminded me of Secret’s. I still didn’t see the problem with me being on speaking terms with Bobbi, but lovers was definitely out of the picture. I had to make that clear once and for all.
Felicia and I finished up our visit, and I jumped back on the highway in as much of a hurry to get back to the city as I had been to leave it. I had to see Bobbi. I had called to make sure he would be home when I touched down.
“Come on in.” Bobbi opened the door halfway. His eyes were not open all the way.
“Were you asleep?” I asked. From where I was standing, his house looked dark, like the drapes were still closed. It was a far cry from the other day, when I had come by the house and it was lit up from natural light. The sun was still in the sky, so there was no need for his house to be dark, unless it was his choice.
“Nah, I’m up. Just not feeling all this sunlight right now. Kinda got a hangover. I’m on this Extra Excedrin, hoping for some relief. I went out wit’ Melvin last night.”
“You don’t have to tell me. I know how he get down.” I grinned. Melvin was a hard drinker when he turned up. “You cool to talk?” I asked out of curiosity. But I didn’t really care; I was ready to get this conversation over with.
“I’m straight.” He led me to his den. His place was quiet, so he must have been asleep. “You good?” he asked. “I called you a couple times yesterday, and you didn’t answer.” I had ignored his calls. I hadn’t been sure what to say to him just yet.
“I was busy.” I decided to keep it at that. I didn’t feel the need to say any more. Soon he would understand anyway.
“I thought I had ran you off.” He gave a nervous laugh.
“I thought about it.” I laughed. “No, I’m only kidding. Listen . . . we had a talk a while back, and I told you we could never be together in a relationship again. Talking, even hanging out is different. We are adult enough to handle that.”
“I know . . . I was just thinkin’—”
I had to cut him off because there was no buts involved. “Look, Bobbi, we both grown and we smart. We know one plus one equals two. Ain’t no way we can be sleeping together and only remain friends. It ain’t that simple.”
“So you regret what happ
ened?” He had this sad look in his eyes that I had to ignore. This was not a debate or a compromise. It was actually making things better for both of us.
“It’s not about whether I regret it or not. You are missing the point.”
“No, I just want to understand. I want to be clear.”
“And that’s what I’m trying to do is make it clear. So, to make it simple, I will just say we can remain cool. You can call me to talk, ask questions, whatever. But what happened the other night cannot happen again. We cannot sleep together,” I added. Hopefully, now it was very clear. I thought I had made it clear to him in the past. But I couldn’t blame him, because what had happened between us was not just his fault. We both had played a part in it.
“I will respect your wishes. I be sure not to let it happen again. The last thing I want to do is push you away completely.”
Disappointment was all over his face, but I refused to feel bad. It was what it was. He had ruined it. Now, regardless of what feelings he had for me, or wished I had for him, he would have to deal with it. I was not changing my mind. Our existence in each other’s life was what it was. Two exes now on speaking terms, and in my opinion, good speaking terms.
Chapter 38
Secret
After talking to Jackie, I felt a little better about things. It put a lot in perspective for me. And as much as I hated to admit it, she had some right to bitterness at life. But it didn’t excuse what she had done to Penny and me. Because of her, we were just another fucked-up generation, possibly to pass that down to the next. There was no way I could let that be me, especially if I ever had kids. Poor Penny, though: I didn’t know if she would ever be okay again. It was bad enough she had grown up with Jackie as her mother, then to be violated by rape. She was truly suffering, but she was fighting to win. And the only person I was thinking of was myself, by feeling sorry for myself. Isis didn’t deserve my bullshit, either. I was always taking things out on somebody else when I felt cornered. It was my way of staying in control and feeling like I was winning.
But I needed my best friend and couldn’t go one more day without talking to her. So this morning her number was the first I dialed. I invited her over for lunch and margaritas. The doorbell rang, and I all but ran to open the door.
“I’m so sorry for being a bitch.” I threw my arms around Isis. I was hugging her so tight, I was sure I was cutting off her air supply.
“I accept, but please let me go so I can breathe.”
“I swear you so weak. Can’t stand no pressure,” I teased.
“I knew you would miss me sooner or later. Now my stomach gets to reap the benefits.”
“Fo’ sho’. And I cooked your favorite. P. F Chang’s.”
“Really, you took the easy way out. Ask me if I care?” Isis strolled straight toward the kitchen.
“Do you care?” I teased.
“Hell, no. Now please fix my margarita first.”
“I got you. I already had one.”
“What I tell yo’ selfish self ’bout startin’ before me.”
“Aye, what you expect comin’ from me.” I laughed. “But, damn, bitch, what you been doin’? I missed the shit out of you.”
“Same ol’ going to the shop—and I went to visit Felicia. To tell her about your trifling ass.” Isis sipped her margarita. “This good, Secret,” she complimented.
“You know this.” I tasted my margarita and was equally satisfied. “What Felicia say?”
“She don’t take us seriously, basically.” Isis grinned. “So what you been up to? You ain’t been to the shop.”
“I know. I needed to get my thoughts together.” I pulled plates from the cabinet and filled them with stir-fry. I passed Isis her plate.
“Thanks, I’m hungry.” She went for the table. “Have you talked to Penny?”
“I called her to check on her. She cool.”
“What about you? You good?”
“I’m straight.” I sat down at the table. “I talked to Jackie.” Isis’s chewing slowed.
“And?” she asked, then swallowed her food.
“She in jail on some old bullshit charges. She called me up and asked me to come down and visit her . . . I went.”
“Really.” I knew Isis would be shocked. “Damn, what’d she want?”
“It was really deep, Isis. I wish you could have been there . . . basically she wanted to explain why she was so fucked as a mother when it came to raising us . . .” I had to slow myself. Just the thought of the things Jackie had told me that had happened to her forced a lump into my throat.
“What’d she say?” Isis asked again. She lifted her glass to her lips and took another sip. I told her what Jackie had said.
“No way.” Isis’s mouth dropped wide open just as a tear slid down her face. “That’s fucked up.” Another tear slid down her other cheek. She wiped at the tears as they continued.
“Yep.”
“Did she ever say how it ended?”
“Not really, just that her brother had been hit by a car and died. And she ran away. She never went back home. She raised herself the best way she could. Then she had me and Penny. But she was so damaged, until Penny’s daddy introduced her to the bottle. It was a rescue from hurt and pain.”
“That’s crazy. I should have known it was something, though.”
“So there it is in a nutshell. Penny and I were products of somebody already fucked up by force.” I shrugged my shoulders.
“So did y’all talk?”
“Nah, not really. I mean, I listened and told her she had my number. I had to get out of there. But she did apologize and told me that she loved Penny and me.”
“Did you believe her?”
“I think I do. But fuck all this sad shit. What’s good? We got to hit the club or something. I need to relax.”
“Aye, I’m good wit’ that. But guess what?”
“Spit that shit out. You know I don’t do guessing games.” I sipped my drink.
“I picked me up a new whip. A Panamera Porsche. It’s bangin’.”
“That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout. Time you pull out coins.”
“You better know it. I cashed out on that baby.”
“Is it outside? ’Cause you know I gotta bend a corner in that.”
“It’s at the crib. But I got you tomorrow.”
“No doubt.”
“Sooo . . . I got to tell you something. Promise you won’t flip out.”
“This must be bad. So hell, naw. I ain’t promisin’.”
“Come on, Secret. You always makin’ me promise some crazy shit.” She tried to bring up old stuff. I twisted the corners of my lips.
“Aye, but my stuff be legit. Yo’ shit be off the wall. Uhh, uhh, I ain’t promisin’. Spit it out.”
“I swear you don’t play fair. You better not flip, though.”
“Come on, Isis. Stop playin’ around.” I was so anxious, I could barely sit still in my seat.
“I slept with Bobbi,” she said quickly.
I placed my hand on my chest. I was scared for a minute that she might say something crazier. “Bitch, why you do that to me? I thought you was about to share some real juice.” Her facial expression told me that she had expected a whole other reaction from me. And I didn’t blame her: normally I would have gone berserk. But I had my reasons why I could not.
“So you not shocked? And you cool wit’ it.”
“I didn’t say I was cool wit’ it. But I’m not shocked. I knew that nigga wasn’t hangin’ around you for nothin’. You really thought he was interested in your boring-ass friendship?”
“Ha, ha.” Isis laughed. “Whatever. I ain’t boring; please believe that. But it didn’t even go down like that.”
“Hmmm, really.” I grinned. “Exactly how did it go down? Please do share.” I sat back in my chair and playfully crossed my legs. I picked up my margarita and licked the salt off the rim.
“See, you got jokes.” Isis smiled. “But if you must know, I
went over to his place when you were mad at me. He ended up being a shoulder to lean on, and it kinda happened. But like you even said, I needed it.”
“Oh, so it’s my fault.” I laughed.
“Yes. It’s your fault.” She placed the blame on me.
“A’ight, I’ll take that. You were sexually frustrated. All work and no play. I was starting to believe that you were dating Custom Hot Rides,” I joked. Isis spent all of her time at that place. I wished all the time that she would go out and have fun, meet a man or something, but she always had an excuse.
“Whatever. But real talk, I’m good . . . So I was also thinkin’ I could get that old bank deposit slip from you that showed Bobbi had cleaned out our bank account.” I was surprised that she still remembered I had that.
“What made you think of that old thing?”
“Trust me, I never forgot about it. But now I feel like I can get rid of it. It’s a part of a pain that I want demolished forever. You still got it?”
“Yep. In the safe in my room. You know the code; just get it out.”
“Thank you for keeping it for me all this time. Tonight I plan to have a burning ritual with it.”
“Aye, whatever makes you feel better. But his bitch ass better not make me ride down on him.”
“Trust me, he’s scared of you.” Isis laughed.
It was time I told her what had happened between Kirk and me. She would not believe it. “Well, I guess I might as well tell you that I slept with Kirk.”
“Wait, what? You slept wit’ who?” Isis’s mouth was wide enough to catch flies.
“I slept wit’ Kirk.” I dropped my head in shame.
“I knew it. You two slick-ass creepers been hidin’ that shit forever. I knew it, I knew it,” Isis repeated over and over, waving her right hand in the air.