by Saundra
“Nah, it’s not like that, though. Kirk really is my boy.”
“He ya’ boy, a’ight. That much I agree.” Isis chuckled. I knew she being sarcastic.
“No, for real, though. It was not like that. Just like you did with Bobbi, I went over because I needed someone to talk to. I was telling him about Jackie and Penny, and one thing led to another, and then it just happened.”
“Umm.” Isis looked me up and down like she was sizing me up.
“I ain’t lyin’,” I continued to explain.
“So you sayin’ there were no strings attached? That you don’t feel nothin’ for Kirk.”
“Man, listen. Kirk is my friend and I love him. Like a friend. That’s it,” I added. “This might mess that up.” I was worried. Kirk had been my boy forever. I valued our friendship more than anything, even the money we got together. I would be really messed up if I lost his friendship.
“If that’s how you feel, you gone have to tell him. ’Cause Kirk got feelings for you. I been told you that long time ago. He might want to take this thing to the next level.”
“I know. I can feel it. The way he touches me explains it all. Damn, why did I let that happen, Isis?”
“Trust me, I understand. That’s how I felt after I got it in with Bobbi. That was the last thing I wanted to happen between us. I didn’t want it to confuse things after I had already told him that we couldn’t be together. But when you vulnerable, crazy shit happens.”
“I know. I should have never took my lonely ass over there. But he mentioned catered soul food, and I was already depressed. Shit, I bolted my ass up outta here.” I laughed.
“I would have, too.” Isis chuckled. “Did he have mac and cheese?”
“Yep. And it was bomb.” I licked my lips as demonstration.
“Hey, mac and cheese make you do some strange thangs,” Isis joked. “Real talk, though, you just got to tell him. Like you said, you and Kirk are friends first. I think he will understand. You just got to be straight up wit’ him. I’m sure he wondering what you think, too. Have you talked to him since?”
“He called, but I didn’t answer. I figured I’d text him later, once I had time to think.”
“When was that?” she questioned.
“Yesterday,” I revealed.
“Did you text him back then?”
“Not yet.” I dropped my head in shame. “He called again this morning.”
“Did you answer?” Isis squinted at me. She knew the answer before I said anything.
“No.” I felt bad, but it was the truth.
“Really, Secret.” Isis playfully rolled her eyes. “You are full of shit. I guess he knows. So you don’t need to tell him nothing.”
“Aye, I wanted to answer. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
“If you don’t put on your big woman drawers and stop playin’ them damn games . . .”
“I know. I’ma hit him up tomorrow. I might even just drop by his crib.”
“Thanks, and be a grownup about it.” Isis playfully shook her head like she was disappointed in me.
“I got this.”
“I got one question, though. We both know that Kirk is fine as hell; ain’t no questioning that at all. But can he BONE?!”
I should have known she would ask that. I picked up my glass and finished off my no longer cold margarita. “Yes!” I shut my eyes and yelled.
“I knew it. Go, Kirk. My boy hit that.” We stood up, reached over the table, and slapped five. “After that bit of news, I need a drink.”
“I do, too. I’ll grab some wine.” I wasted no time getting to my feet.
“Cool. While you do that, I’ll grab that receipt out of the safe.” Isis headed toward my room, where I kept the safe. I raced to the cooler by the bar, where the wine was kept, and grabbed two glasses. I couldn’t wait to sip and talk more shit with my girl. Back in the den I popped open the wine and prepared to pour.
“Secret, what the fuck is this?” I looked up to see Isis standing over me with the two bricks of cocaine that I had forgotten all about. I had meant to get rid of them, but it had slipped my mind.
I wasn’t sure what to say, but one thing was for sure: I didn’t feel like lying. “That. That ain’t shit. I’ma get rid of it; just put it back.” I tried to play it down and started to fill the glasses with wine.
“So since when is having two bricks of cocaine ‘ain’t shit’? What’s up?”
“Listen, I was given that as a thank-you. I didn’t know what to do wit’ it. Long story short, I threw it in the safe and basically forgot about it.”
“Who gives out bricks of cocaine for gifts? At least I don’t know anybody who does that.” Isis hunched her shoulders.
“Come on, Isis, don’t make a big deal out of this.”
“Don’t make a big deal,” she mouthed sarcastically, then paused. She had a look in her eyes like a light bulb had just come on. She set the bricks on the table. “So that’s it. I should have known. This has got Kirk’s name all over it. Just admit it.” I wasn’t surprised she had figured it out. There wasn’t too much you could get past Isis; she always figured it out. I looked at the bricks and remembered the day I had received them. Then suddenly I remembered the incident with Rock.
“Listen, I tried to keep this from you, because you never needed to know . . . I got them bricks as a thank-you from Kirk’s connect.”
“Wait, you met the connect? The cocaine connect?” Isis’s eyeballs looked as if they might jump out of their sockets.
“Yes. Kirk came to me and said he needed me to help him do a job . . . He needed me to distract this dude who was trying to take over some of his territory.”
“How could you help wit’ that?”
“The guy had a huge shipment coming in that he would use to supply his workers to take over some of Kirk’s territory. So he asked me to dance for the guy to distract him while they robbed his shipment.”
“So he put you back on the pole to benefit him. Typical Kirk. I ain’t surprised.” She shook her head with disappointment.
“It was supposed to be simple,” I continued on. “But, dude, well, Rock—that was his punk ass name—he decides to put a gun to my head and force me to participate in his freaky shit. I agreed.” A tear slid down my cheek, and not because I regretted what I had done, but the thought of Rock’s hand around my throat squeezing tight sent chills down my spine.
“What happened?” Worry was on Isis’s face.
“That bastard wrapped his hands around my throat and squeezed . . . I couldn’t breathe. I felt myself blacking out; then he suddenly let go. I took that chance and went for his gun . . . I killed him,” I released. Now my face was wet with tears. “It was him or me.
“You did what you had to do.” Isis reached over and hugged me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to, but I knew I couldn’t. I didn’t want to worry you.”
“You still didn’t tell me about the connect, though.”
“Well.” I sniffed back my anger and pain. “A few weeks after all this, Kirk called me up and gave me a lot of money and rode me out to his connect, who was in town. The guy told me he had heard a lot about the both of us.”
“Us.” Isis seemed surprised. “As in you and me?” she asked.
“Yep.”
“How?”
“Kirk been telling him about us. Dude amped on that shit. He thanked me for having Kirk’s back in the incident. Told me I was always welcome wherever he was and gave me those bricks as his appreciation.” I shrugged. “I meant to get rid of it, though. Like real talk. I ain’t fuckin’ wit’ no cocaine on my own.”
“Good . . .” Isis shook her head, glaring at the bricks. “This madness right here ain’t good. I know Kirk mean well. But it’s foolishness like what he got you involved in that is why we got to get our shit together. You should have never been put in that situation with that Rock-ass asshole. And meeting the connect . . . Well . . . I can’t front; that’s
boss shit. But is that what we really tryin’ to do?”
“That shit heavy.” I kept it real.
“This just confirms what we already know. We got to get our shit together so we can start our shit. ’Cause truth be told, we never know when all this gangster shit gone blow up in our faces.”
“Fuck that. We going all the way to the top, like Kirk said. Until then, throw them bricks back in the safe.”
“I’ll do that. But make this the last time you keep something from me. We in this together, like always.”
“No doubt. Boss bitches,” I chanted. I had been prepared for what had just happened, but it still felt good getting it off my chest. Now I could continue to focus on the rest of my bullshit.
Chapter 39
Secret
Two days had gone by, and although I still planned to, I hadn’t made my way to Kirk’s crib to tell him we couldn’t be hooking up. I didn’t think that he would trip, but I knew that deep down he was really feeling me. But I knew this was for the best, and I was certain he would agree with that. Now all I had to was work up the nerve to do it. The one thing I knew I would do for sure was roll up a fat blunt to take with me. That fire always calmed and resolved most sticky situations.
“Yo, wait I’m comin’,” I yelled as somebody beat my front door down. I wasn’t expecting anyone. If it was FedEx with a package, they were for sure about to catch my mouthpiece. “Yo, why the fuck . . .” I boasted as I snatched open the door. I paused at the sight of Penny standing in the doorway. “Girl, why you out here beatin’ on my door like the cops? You still got your key. Use it some time.” I eyed her stone face with uncertainty. She was too quiet for too long. I could swear her face looked swollen, as if she had been crying. Something was wrong. “What is it, Penny?” My tone was full of aggravation. I didn’t know what she had to tell me, but I wasn’t up for it if it was bad.
Instead of answering me, she stepped inside and walked past me. I stood for a second and looked out the door. I didn’t see anyone outside, so I shut the door and followed her into the den. “Are you gone tell me today why you up in here looking like somebody stole your damn bike or something?” I gave a nervous giggle. My gut wasn’t feeling right.
“Secret, you might want to sit down for this.” Penny turned to face me slowly.
“For what? Penny, don’t play wit’ me. Spit that shit out . . . Wait, is something wrong wit’ Isis?” I yelled. But I quickly dismissed that. I had just spoken with Isis about twenty minutes before Penny knocked on my door.
“No . . . It’s Jackie.” At the mention of Jackie, a mass of tears escaped Penny’s eyes. “She was found this morning.”
“What do you mean ‘found’?”
“She overdosed on heroin. She . . . dead, Secret.” Penny sounded as if she was choking on her words.
“Wait . . . you said Jackie, right?” I stood staring at Penny. Suddenly my chest started to itch. I tried to scratch away the feeling while I waited for Penny to answer. Penny just nodded her head for yes. “Nah, listen, I’m sure this a mistake. I’m gone call down to the hospital.” I lifted my cell phone, which was already in my hand, so that I could see the screen, but for some reason there was no dial screen there.
“No, Secret, she gone. They already took her body to the morgue. Karen’s mother came and told me. By the time I got down to where they found the body, the morgue was taking her away.”
I wasn’t sure when, but my legs gave away from under me. I heard screaming and felt Penny tugging at me to get me off the ground. I could see her face and the tears. Her mouth was closed, and I realized the screaming was coming from me. I hurt and ached all over. I felt as if someone had taken a sledgehammer and beaten me. I grabbed at my chest; I felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. Penny helped me stand and walked me to the door so that I could get fresh air. The next hour or so was a blur of a bad dream.
“Oh, my God. What happened?” I heard Isis as she burst into the room. Erica had arrived a few minutes before Isis.
“Jackie was found dead this morning. Karen from the old neighborhood, her mother came and told me. By the time I got over to where she was, they were taking her away.” I sat in a daze as Penny told Isis what had happened.
Isis just shook her head as tears flowed down her face. “My God, I just can’t believe it.” Isis looked at me and wiped at my tears. I could see her heart breaking for me and for Penny. Jackie had been in her life for a long time also. Hell, she had dodged a pot or two when Jackie was throwing them at us.
“This shit crazy,” I cried. I had a knot in my throat so big, I had to periodically open my mouth wide to get air. My stomach was tied in a thousand knots. I had thrown up six times already. My hands were cold, and I had chills. If I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I would have sworn I had a touch of the flu. I felt truly ill. Life just was not open to giving me any breaks; that much was clear to me. Penny leaned in, and we hugged so tightly my body was becoming weak again. I felt as if I might pass out. But Penny held on tight. Then she broke down crying. Erica came over to get her.
“Listen, we here for y’all. We are all family,” Isis cried.
“No, fuck this. This just can’t be happening.” I jumped up. “I need my keys. Penny didn’t see the body. The morgue ain’t called. It just can’t be her,” I screamed.
“It is,” Penny cried. “I saw her face, Secret.”
Isis grabbed me by the waist. “Wait, I called already, and I’m waiting on them to tell me where they took her,” Isis reminded me.
“It can’t be her, Isis. We just talked and she shared all those things that happened to her with me. I was still mad but I heard her.” I continued to cry.
“And it’s good you got to talk to her and found some common ground,” Isis said.
I shook my head in disgust at myself. “No, there was no common ground. I was still the same mean bitch I always am. And all I did was cheat myself. I could have told her that I felt bad for the bad hand she had been dealt as a kid. That I understood . . . that . . . that even though I hated her, deep down I loved her.” I was sick with guilt. Now she would never know. Somehow I always felt that by not showing Jackie my feelings, I was paying her back. But at this very moment I felt as if I had cheated myself, and there was no other hand for me to play.
“I think she knew that you loved her. And she understood the reason you treated her the way you did. That’s the reason at last she opened her heart to you. She had to have you see that she was no monster. Just battered, and bruised. Trying to understand the love that she needed to give to you and Penny, but had never received.”
“Yeah, Secret, Jackie knew. When she stayed with me for that time, she opened up to me a lot. That’s why I wanted you to sit down with her. She wanted so badly to make it up to you . . . to us for the way she treated us. But she struggled with how. I knew her struggle; that’s why I forgave her. I had to. I had enough struggles in my life.”
Why had I been so selfish and not listened to Penny back then? She had tried to get me to listen. I had refused. And I had not only cheated myself of Jackie, Penny had suffered because of me, too. “I am so sorry, Penny, for what I done to you. Keeping Jackie away from you when you wanted her in your life. Out of meanness in my heart. I cheated you of a chance to have a relationship with her.”
“No, you didn’t. So don’t feel bad. Jackie and I had a relationship. We still talked on the phone. We still met up and took long walks in the park. We stayed connected as best we could. Unfortunately, she wasn’t strong enough to keep fighting the struggle of her childhood. She just couldn’t outrun it. No matter how hard she tried. And believe me, she tried. She even joined those AA meetings that I attended, but the hawk was also on her back. And that she couldn’t kick . . . See, Secret, we are lucky—our lives were bad, in some ways some would say sad. But Jackie’s life was a tragedy. And the only time she could outrun it was when she was in another zone.”
I was done. I couldn’t t
hink any more. There were just too many thoughts running through my head. We sat and waited for Isis’s phone to ring so that we could find out where they had taken Jackie. We were up for hours. It started to get late, and I worried we all might go to sleep and miss the call, so Erica ran out to get Starbucks.
Isis stood to answer the knocking at the door. “I hate when people just don’t use the doorbell,” I mouthed. But I was sitting in a trancelike state. The minutes that ticked by just didn’t seem real.
“Aye.” Kirk spoke as he came into the room. He walked over and reached down and hugged Penny. She cried on his shoulder for a minute. He then walked over, reached down, and hugged me. “I’m sorry for your loss,” he whispered in my ear. I broke down again. I held on to Kirk for dear life. And it felt good in his arms. I was safe; nothing could touch or hurt me. “It’s gone be all right.” He rubbed my back gently in a soothing motion.
“I know.” I tried to suck my cries back in. My voice was shaky. “This is all my fault. I think I’m being punished for not stepping up and forgiving Jackie for all she done to us. The Bible says honor thy father and mother. I should have obeyed. Now I can’t.” I cried more on Kirk’s shoulder. He rubbed my back until I was calm and no longer sniffing. Erica made it back with the coffee, and she also had food.
“Aye, it’s good you brought that food. ’Cause we gone need it.” Kirk pulled out a plastic bag that had four fat rolled-up blunts.
“Now that’s what I’m motherfucking talkin’ ’bout. Fire that shit up.” I was excited. “Kirk, that’s why you my nigga. You know exactly what to do to make a bitch feel good.”
“And I should have known you would come prepared.” Isis smiled.
“Shi’d, I try not leave home wit’out it. Besides, you know I got you. Kirk to the rescue.” He pulled out a lighter, gently sat the blunt between his two lips, and lit it. “Now I ain’t selfish; this yo’ crib. And yo’ crisis. You get to hit it first.” He passed the blunt to me, and I gladly reached for it.
“And I want to hit it, too.” Penny spoke up. My necked snapped in her direction.