Magic and Mayhem: Witchin' in the Kitchen (Kindle Worlds Novella)

by Kris Calvert

  “Look you horny little ball of fur, stop bloviating and tell me in five words or less why you’re here or I’ll toss you out the window and not give it a second thought.”

  Felix graced me with a heavy sigh and stood on his hind legs. “I am here to save you.”

  “That was six.”

  He shook his head at me and tapped his tiny foot. “Do you want to break your spell or not?”

  Pushing the covers away, Felix jumped back on the old quilt and I began to pace the room. “What do you know about my spell?”

  “Everything,” he said, now lying on his back with his hands behind his head.

  “What do you mean everything?”

  “Everything, Witch. What do you think I mean?”

  “The Baba Yaga woman told me today that I can’t break the spell unless I kill John Hale.”

  “Yup. Babs isn’t much on fluff when she weaves a tale. Your mother was a powerful Witch. She cast a spell, put a pox on John Hale that night on Gallows Hill. You, unfortunately, found a way to step into the line of fire—which sucks for you, but now I’m here to help you out of it.”

  “Now?” I heard my own voice reach a fever pitch. “You’re here to help me now? Where the hell were you the past three centuries while I blew around the country? Giving a hand job to a New York City rat in the back alley of some exclusive Jazz club in Soho?”

  “That’s a low blow. But also, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.”

  “Ew. Just Ew.”

  “To answer your question, I only go when and where I’m sent. You wanna witch-bitch to Babs, do it on your own time. But you’ll be exactly that—on your own. I don’t fu—I mean I don’t mess with her. Like…ever.”

  Pulling a chair from the kitchenette, I sat, trying to focus on Felix’s tiny body across the room. “Do you mind to come over here so we can have a decent conversation?” I asked.

  “Do you mind to help a familiar out? It could be dawn before I find my way out of these covers, down the side of this tree that seems to be your bed and up the leg of that heinous Leave it to Beaver kitchen table.”

  I walked to the bed and held out my hand for him. “Fine.”

  Climbing across my fingers, he immediately rolled over on his back and began to rub his soft fur into my palm, tickling me. “Cease, mouse.”

  “I’m telling you,” Felix began as he rolled out of my hand to stand on the kitchen table, “You’ve gotta clean up your language. How have you fit into the world all this time without being known?”

  I shrugged, allowing my body to dissolve into the chair. “I’m not good with people. I mean, I’ve had men. I’ve had friends. I just don’t get attached because I know I’ll eventually blow out of town again.”

  “Awwww.” His tiny voice was filled with exaggerated drama. “That’s such a sad, sad story but I really don’t give a cat’s ass.”

  I shot him a sarcastic smile. “You mean rat’s ass.”

  He shook his head at me. “I know exactly what I mean and it ain’t rat. Now listen to me. John Hale is coming for you.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Shut…up.” Felix’s eyes rolled back in his head. He was beyond annoyed.

  I tucked both of my lips inside my mouth and sat back in the chair again.

  “Good. You sit and listen and save all your questions until the end. Now, do we understand each other and by that I mean give me a nod,” he said without taking a breath.

  I nodded.

  “Okay. Progress.”

  Felix clasped his hands behind his back and began to pace along the Formica tabletop. I felt my heart beat faster and with more power in my chest. I didn’t know what was about to happen, but I knew it was big.

  “So here’s the deal. Your mother—who was a hell of a Witch by the way, I didn’t much care for your mouthy sister, but hey.”

  I raised an eyebrow and cocked my head in silent disapproval.

  “Yeah. Okay, moving on. Reverend Hale, just like you, has been roaming around for the past three hundred years or so.”

  “Three—” I began, only to have Felix abruptly cease his frantic pace and throw a hand in the air for me to be quiet.

  “I know how long—I was just glazing over the incidentals to get to the important part, okay? The Rev has been stuck on this earthly plane an immortal mortal. He can’t die. He feels pain, he can get sick, he looks like he’s been run over by a fleet of sailors on leave—and not the handsome and gay sailors, either. Anyway, he’s been looking for you since the spell was cast. If he can get to you, he will break the spell and he can finally do the world a great big favor and die.”

  I sat quietly as I was told, but the mere mention of name John Hale made the hair on the back of my neck stand up and my palms sweat.

  “What does this mean for you, you ask? Well, I’m here to help you kill him. Because that will also break part of your spell.”

  “Part of my spell?”

  Felix stopped pacing and stared at me. “What is wrong with you? Can’t you follow directions at all? Seriously, this is exactly why you got into trouble in the first place—not listening.”

  “Sor—.”

  “Ack!” Felix shouted. “Please be quiet!”

  I took a deep breath and bit my bottom lip. I knew I had to shut up. I wasn’t helping my situation, but then again, I always seemed to be my own worst enemy. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve, I brewed up more storms for the silliest of reasons, leaving a perfectly good life behind in the wake of the tempest. I wanted to do better. I wanted to be better. Listening to Felix, I knew I had no choice.

  “The spell is for true love, as we both good and well know. So, I’m here to help you with two things and we need to take care of them fairly quickly: Fall in love with your soul mate and commit murder. I know how easy that sounds and all, but it’s just not. Now, he’ll be coming around soon. He frequents this town specifically looking for you because he knows it’s full of Witches and Shifters. If you were ever going to drop somewhere after a big ass storm, sooner or later it was going to be here. And here you are. So?” he asked, finishing his diatribe.

  I shrugged my shoulders, determined not to speak.

  “Now you can say something,” he said with a whine, placing his hands on his tiny hips.

  I had a million questions rolling around in my head, but only one thought made it into words. “It can’t be done.”

  “What is wrong with you? Ugh!” he squealed, lying down on the table and holding his head. “Do you have anything to eat? I can feel my blood sugar dropping and also you’re making me nucking futs.”

  I twirled my index finger in a circle and handed him a cube of cheese.

  “Nice.” He was off his back in a heartbeat and nibbling the cheese even faster.

  I stood and began to pace the room again. “I can kill him,” I began. “I don’t have a problem with that. I’ve dreamed of ending his life thousands of times. What I don’t think I can do is the love part of the deal. I’ve never been in one place long enough and I’m really only good for a few rolls in the hay. Then I’m off to the next beau.”

  “You’ve never had feelings for a man?” Felix asked, the sympathy coming back into his voice now that he was no longer hangry.

  “Just this one time. He was a Shifter. I’ve sworn off Shifters ever since.”

  “Was he hot? I love a good sweaty, hot man story even if he was a Shifter. What did he shift into? Please say a black panther. Please say a black panther, or a cheetah. Don’t tell me he was a hedgehog or something lame like that.”

  “Calm down. I’m not telling you any kind of sweaty man story. It wasn’t like that. I mean it was, but…it wasn’t. He was kind and loving and mysterious. He was strong and fierce, beautiful to look at and…”

  “And what? Don’t leave me hanging like an old man’s ball sack, I need details.”

  “He had this beautiful mark that looked like a heart on his body, right at the bottom of his washboard stomach where his t
orso met his manhood.”

  “Ahhhhhh,” Felix sighed. “That’s hot.”

  I looked away, not wanting the tears in my eyes to show. It didn’t matter, it had already begun to gently rain outside.

  “What happened between the two of you? I mean, if he was as hot as you say, why didn’t you stay with the long-schlonged Shifter?”

  “Remember when I said I was my own worst enemy?”

  “Yeah, well honey, who isn’t? I took on a threesome one time and that my friend was a sausage party I shouldn’t have RSVP’d to—”

  I dropped my head and began to sob.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he repeated as he scampered up to my shoulder and pulled the gray streak from my face. “I know this isn’t about me. Tell me about the Shifter who broke your heart.”

  “I was stupid and jealous. I loved him so much, I didn’t want anyone else to have him—to even look at him—which was hard because he was just so incredibly beautiful. I mean,” I said looking back to Felix, “Beautiful for a man.”

  “No, no. I’m right there with you. Men are the more beautiful sex—believe me, I’ve tried them all. Come now,” Felix said, climbing down into my open hand. “I’m here to make it all better.”

  My voice cracked with emotion. “How? I’ve been here one day. My bakery isn’t ready, Hale is supposed to come with the new moon—that’s tomorrow, and I don’t have time to set up shop and plan a murder and fall in love. I can probably get one of those things accomplished.”

  “If you were alone that would be true. But I’m here and together we’re going to make this happen. I haven’t failed a mission for Babs yet and I don’t intend to start now—well, except maybe that one time.”

  I looked back at him. “Which time?”

  “Her name was Marilyn. It wasn’t completely my fault. I was fighting more than just the President and Hollywood on that one. There were Demons and Vamps all around that Witch. It was a hot mess of sex, drugs and the supernatural.”

  Great. I’m in the fight of my very existence, and a horny twink-lusting mouse older than I am is my only hope. I let out a sigh. “Just tell me your plan.”

  “Well, tomorrow morning we will open this bakery with a bang.”

  “Felix, I don’t even have a sign out front yet.”

  “Get dressed. We’ve got a storefront to decorate and a murder to plan.”

  FOUR

  BY MORNING IT was done. I was weary and Felix had walked on every good nerve I had as I conjured up muffins, cupcakes and pies, while he gave his opinion on everything from cake flavors to the color of the ribbon we would use to tie the bakery boxes.

  As the sun began to rise through the front window of the store, I could clearly see the pink and yellow wooden sign Felix had made: The Beguiling Bakery – cupcakes that captivate.

  “I’m so tired and I really want to be bitchy, but the sign…” I began.

  “What about the sign?” Felix asked. “I rather like it.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  For a brief flash in time, Felix and I agreed.

  “You look like a French boy’s mouth on a Saturday night,” he said pointing to my reflection in the mirror behind the bakery case full of treats.

  “You know, I was just enjoying a shared moment of accomplishment with you, but you had to go and blow it all to excrement.”

  “Shit, Dee. Say the word. Shit.”

  With a twirl of my finger, I was freshly showered, pressed and my once ratted hair now in a curly ponytail. The full black skirt and pink sweater set I wore matched the Leave it to Beaver kitchenette upstairs. With a snap of my finger, I added a black and white polka dot apron before turning to glare at him. “Eat. Shit. Felix.”

  “There’s my Witch,” he said with pride. “Now, where are the special cupcakes?”

  “The Kissy Cakes?” I asked, thinking of the batch I didn’t conjure, but made from scratch and by my own hands. They were enchanted, and one of my favorite things to actually bake instead of conjure. I always used Love Potion Number Nine—a powerful elixir that someone made into a song in the nineteen fifties—and my special ingredient: the tears of old boyfriends.

  I’d broken a few hearts over the past three centuries and subsequently had a few criers on my hands. Full of every emotion available to a human, the tears were useful in all love potions and especially in this one: The Kamasutra Love Muffin. It was a powerful spell baked into a cake. The only difference was I added an enchanted icing: buttercream with sexual sugar. It worked like a charm—literally—every time.

  “Don’t worry your tiny little head about the Kissy Cakes. They’re cooling on the counter in the back. I was just about to whip up the buttercream and sexual sugar icing to pipe on top.”

  “By the hand of Viper himself, you are a temptress with your cakes,” Felix said with a sigh. “I’ll only be needing a crumb.”

  “You’ll get absolutely nothing and like it. It’s too dangerous. I need your senses fully on point this week.”

  “Give me a taste and I know exactly what will be on point. Just remember, I need to incant the final spell. You’re forbidden and—”

  “I know, I know. I can’t cast a spell for myself to fall in love.”

  “That’s right. But I can.”

  “Just stick to the plan, Felix.”

  I gave the place a final once over and rushed to the kitchen to finish the cakes before the store opened. I didn’t know who might walk through the door today, but I needed to be prepared for Mr. Right. More important was our plan for Mr. Wrong.

  * * *

  AT SEVEN, JUST as the sun was really making its way into view, I pulled up the shade on the store window and turned the sign on the front door from closed to open.

  I gazed across the street at the other buildings. The town was quiet for now, but I knew the patrons craving sweets would come. They always did, even if I didn’t cast a temptation spell.

  I’d made it as far as the counter before hearing the bell chime above the door.

  “Good morning. Welcome to the Beguiling Bakery.” I turned and found a perky blonde with huge boobs and an even bigger smile plastered across her face. “How may I help you?”

  “This is an enchanted bakery, right?”

  “I beg your pardon?” Startled, I asked the question automatically, then quickly remembered I was in a town of Shifters and Witches. It was still so new for me, not needing to hide who I truly was on the inside.

  “Look, I know you’re a Witch. I can smell it on you, and a pretty powerful one at that.”

  I chose to ignore her statement, neither confirming nor denying it. Instead, I decided just to wait on the bubble-headed blonde. “What can I get for you?”

  “Something that tastes like a butt-load of calories, but has none. Got anything like that back there?” she asked, peering through the glass at all the cupcakes and treats.

  “Well, if you’re a Witch, you know the calories don’t matter,” I said, giving her a wink. “Is there any particular problem you’re having today that perhaps a cake could make better?”

  “I’m horny and won’t be able to see my Jeeves until tonight. Got anything that will hold me over until then so I don’t blow up a building, or a pesky individual?”

  “Hmmm…” I stared into her eyes and knew she was telling me the truth. Even Witches and Shifters were no match for my gift. “How about a coitophobia cupcake? One taste and you won’t think of sex all day—at least in the same way—and that’s a guarantee.”

  “Seriously?” she asked.

  I could tell she was lost, even for a Witch. “What about good old fashioned fudge cake? Women have been substituting chocolate for sex for centuries. I mean, who needs a man when you can have fudge, buy shoes online and watch Ryan Gosling on Netflix?”

  “Finally, someone who understands me. I’ll take two.”

  “Great, ah….” I paused, hoping she’d pick up on the cue that I wanted to know her name.

  “Oh, I’m Sassy
,” she said taking the white box I quickly wrapped in pink ribbon and handed over the counter. “And you are?”

  “I’m Deliverance.”

  “I really don’t care if you deliver or not. I was asking your name.”

  “You can call me Dee.”

  “Wow, Dee! This cupcake is the bomb,” she said, immediately opening the box I’d just wrapped to take a bite.

  “I’m glad you like it.”

  “Thanks!” Sassy called over her shoulder as none other than the handsome and ever-freshly pressed Wesley Links walked past her and into the bakery.

  I gave him a tepid smile and nod as another patron—a young boy—rushed through the door. Links stood in the back, looking at the walls and watching me work. Felix jumped from the countertop and into the pocket of my apron to give my hand a nudge.

  “I know,” I murmured under my breath, placing him back on the counter. The last thing I wanted was my familiar poking me while I was trying to think.

  “This way, Momma!”

  “Welcome to the Beguiling Bakery, young sir,” I said, unable to contain my smile.

  “Bo,” his frazzled mother said rushing in behind him. “You need to wait your turn, be polite and stay with me.”

  “Sorry,” he replied, looking up at me with big eyes and a heart of gold.

  “Bo, my name is Deliverance and this is my bakery. Do you like cake?”

  He flashed me a toothless grin. “Are you kidding?”

  “Oh my goodness. You’re missing teeth!”

  With an over exaggerated nod he smiled even bigger and looked back to his mother. “Momma can I?”

  “Hi, I’m Wanda,” the woman said extending her hand. “Welcome to town. We’ve never had a bakery here before, let alone an enchanted one.”

  “It’s ah…” I hesitated and watched Wes tour the store while trying to give her my attention. I’d still not acknowledged that I was a Witch. The fact that I knew the first woman in this morning, Sassy, was a Witch and the woman and child standing in front of me were both Shifters was an odd scene for me to say the least.