Heart & Soul

by Sienna Grant

  All my love

  Cassidy xxxx

  That was the last one, I had that last week and sent her one straight back. Picking up the phone I dial her number. After six rings I replace the receiver as a bang sounds at the door.

  “It’s open.”

  “Why aren’t you ready?”

  “Ready for what?” I ask confused.

  “Afterparty! Come on!”

  “I think I’m going to stay here. I don’t feel like it to be honest.” He eyes the letter in my hand and frowns.

  “You know Elliott you need to snap out of it and enjoy yourself so I’m not taking no for an answer, get up and get ready. How do you know she’s being faithful to you, huh?”

  “What did I tell you about bad mouthing my girlfriend Az?”

  “Fine.” he sighs. “You stay here and cry yourself to sleep over some chick that’s about six hundred miles away…”

  “You don't understand Aaron, I hate being away from her.”

  “Look, I don't think she would want to see you like this would she? Come on…”

  Leaning against the door frame he waits patiently for an answer.

  “Okay… I’ll come. Let me change my top.”

  I match his sigh and swap my t-shirts, have a quick wash, brush my teeth, splash on some aftershave and rub some wax into my hands, working it into my hair to make it look messy. “Done.”

  “Good I might be able to get some bird to play with your dick, to save you doing it yourself…”

  He’s out the door and running down the stairs before I can even catch him, but he’ll pay for that comment.

  Chapter Five

  Cassidy

  Eight weeks later.

  “Mum,” I shout down the stairs, “has anything come for me in the last few days?” When she doesn’t hear me, I run down to her. “Mum?” She turns to look at me from the kitchen. “I said, has anything come for me in the last few days?”

  “Not what I’ve seen, no.”

  “That’s strange. I haven’t received anything from Elliott in weeks.”

  Slumping into the chair, I rest my head on my folded arms on the kitchen table.

  “Cassidy get up. Your hair is all over the table, it’s not very hygienic at all is it?”

  “Who cares!” I grumble. I just want a letter or something from Elliott, anything just so I know he’s still missing me like I’m missing him.

  “Do you think he’s forgotten me?”

  “Who?” She sighs making me frown.

  “What do you mean, who? Elliott! You know my boyfriend.”

  “Oh, Cassidy. when are you going to stop your stupid moping around? You’re young there’s plenty of other fish in the sea.”

  “I don’t want anyone else, I want him.”

  Secretly I wipe the tears that are slowly trickling from my eyes and down my cheeks before she sees. Pushing the chair out I rise from it and quietly walk from the room but not before she sees me.

  “Where are you going now?!”

  “Back to my room.”

  “It’s not healthy you know spending all your time up there….”

  I shrug. “Probably not.” I cut her off, “but I prefer my own company.”

  Without giving her a chance to say anything else I head back upstairs to wallow in my own self-pity, at least up there no one can moan at me.

  The test sits in my hand, an inanimate object, but right now, I want to throw it, stamp on it. Call it a liar because it can’t be right. I haven’t been sick, no it’s wrong. I can't be.

  Two lines.

  Positive.

  How is that right? It can’t be right.

  I can’t be pregnant.

  I need Elliott.

  I hold the test in both of my hands and hold it against my chest, tears freefalling from my eyes and I can’t stop them. What am I going to do?

  How am I going to tell Elliott? How do I tell my Mum? Oh god, this is all so wrong. I can’t tell him over the phone.

  I need him to come back…. please come back, Elliott.

  The next few days go by the same way. I get up, I eat breakfast, I sleep, and the routine starts all over again except that I’m a lot more tired these days.

  “Right then, get up and out of that bed!” Mum barges in shouting and tears open the curtains, the sun blazing through the window, shining right into my eyes, blinding me. Pulling the duvet back up I cover my face with it, that doesn’t last long though before she’s tugging it off me again.

  “Get up! You’re not staying in bed anymore!”

  Pulling the pillow from under my head, I roll over and place it over my face.

  “I don’t want to. You can’t make me.”

  “I’m your mother, yes I can. Now I’m going downstairs I expect you down in five minutes.”

  Huffing I sit myself up and rub my face, swing my feet around and slip my feet into my animal slippers and pad downstairs. Mum looks up as I walk down the hallway and into the kitchen.

  “Here, I’ve made you toast and there’s orange juice for you.”

  “Thanks, but I didn’t want anything.”

  “Cassidy, you’re pale, you have dark circles around your eyes and all you do is sleep and you don’t even eat. Well, no more. Now eat.”

  “Bossy cow,” I whisper under my breath as she walks away.

  “I heard that!”

  My face pulls into a scowl at her behind her back. I push away the toast, my stomach is feeling queasy, so I drink the orange juice instead. Once that’s gone, I try to make the effort to eat, but I don’t eat much maybe one half. When I’ve had enough I throw it in the bin and put the glass and plate in the sink then head upstairs for a shower.

  I still haven’t told her why I feel ill and why I’m so tired either, I know the time is coming that I’m going to have to, but how? I know she’s going to go berserk.

  Why isn’t Elliott here?

  “Cassidy. Carson’s here.” Oh, great I can’t put him off anymore I’ve ignored him every time he’s come around this week. Leaning over the bannister upstairs I shout back down.

  “What does he want?”

  I shouldn't be ignoring him like this, he's the only friend I have right now.

  “Come down and see. Dear me Cassidy you’re so ignorant. You’re seventeen for goodness sake, you should have lots of friends.”

  “I don’t want lots of friends. I’ve never been one of those girls that needs lots of friends. My others went away, remember.”

  Making my way down the stairs I see Carson standing just inside the porch. Walking past my mother, I don’t say anything else to her before opening the door.

  “Hey.” I force a smile on my face and tell him to come in. Shutting the door behind him I tell him to follow me into the living room.

  “What’s up?”

  “I wondered if you wanted to do something?”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know, maybe head down to the beach or something?” He shrugs.

  “I don’t really feel up to the beach…” I tell him screwing up my nose, I don’t want to tell him that the only person I want to go to the beach with is Elliott.

  “Erm, have you heard off Elliott by any chance?”

  Shaking his head in a no, I sigh.

  Why has no one heard from him?

  “You know Cass, you have to be prepared that he may not come back...”

  “He’s your friend too and he will come back, you'll see. He promised.” I answer sharply.

  Why does everyone think he won’t - do they know something I don’t?

  “Cassidy, please go out get some fresh air down your lungs, you may feel better…” My mother cuts in.

  “Why are you ill?” Carson asks, a crease lining his forehead.

  “No. I’m not. I’m just tired that’s all. God, why does everyone keep moaning at me?”

  My head drops back to my shoulders as I
huff loudly but give in any way.

  “Fine! Let’s go. Anything so I’m out of here!” Slipping into my pumps, I walk out of the door. Carson follows behind me as he says bye to my Mother and I wait for him by the car.

  Carson sidles up to me and wraps an arm around my shoulder and hugs me.

  “You’ll hear from him soon I’m sure of it.”

  “Thanks. She just doesn’t understand.”

  “Come on let’s get you away for a bit.”

  I smile as he opens my door for me from inside. Sitting down I put on my seatbelt and wait for him to start the car.

  Chapter Six

  Elliott

  “What the fuck is this shit?!” I come home because I can’t bear to be apart from her anymore and she’s with Carson? Arrgh! Right get a grip of yourself Elliott. It’s probably totally innocent. Her smile, damn I miss that smile but it's for him, not me. I know she doesn’t know I’m here. For one I have a car now - I didn’t when I left. This is the first thing I bought with my wages from touring, it’s only a clapped-out banger but it’s got me from A to B and at least I could get back here. I’ve sat away from the house; her Mother hates me as it is. I know it’s true, when I rang the house she wouldn’t let me talk to her. She’d tell me she wasn’t around, maybe she was, and it was Cass who didn’t want to talk to me… I don’t know anything anymore.

  As I watch them drive away I can see her laughing. My heart hurts. That should be me making her smile, making her laugh and it’s not - it’s my best friend. Well if that’s what you can call him.

  She looks so sexy in that same baggy jumper she wore the day I left; my jumper, and a pair of black legging with her favourite shoes - her converse. She looks more gorgeous than when I left.

  What do I do now? Wait for her to come back? Pretend I haven’t seen her and knock the door…?

  Fuck it! Getting out of the car I head over and knock on it. Turning my back to the door, I don’t realise it’s opened until I hear her Mother’s surprised voice. “Elliott?”

  “Mrs. Summers. Is Cass here?”

  “No, she’s gone out I’m afraid.”

  “Oh right. Do you know where she’s gone?”

  She studies me for a moment, but her eyes darken and her mouth twists.

  “You know I don’t. But I can tell you she’s gone out with that boy, what’s his name?” Her finger taps her bottom lips as she looks up like she trying to remember… “Oh silly, Carson, that’s him. Such a nice lad, they’re together all the time.” her mouth pulls into a smirk as my eyes narrow. “Has she not told you, I’m sorry Elliott.” She shakes her head and has the nerve to even look sorry.

  “Are you sure they’re together? We were all best friends but she’s my girlfriend…”

  “Was, Elliott. The word is ‘was’. You can’t expect to leave her for three months and still have the same relationship when you decided to come back. It doesn’t work like that. You don’t deserve a girl like her Elliott, you’re just not good enough...”

  My temper begins to boil, every particle of hurt, upset and anger building up in the pit of my stomach, my heart thumping against my chest as my hands close into fists. I want to hit something or someone and Carson better hope I don’t see him anytime soon.

  “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?! Well I warn you, karma loves misery, and you’ll have yours. I know I’ll never stop loving Cass, whether you like it or not.”

  The smug look that was gracing her features has since begun to drop. Preparing to turn away, I turn back sharply, “I hope if or when Cass finally finds out the truth about what you’ve done here - I hope she hates you because it’s you who doesn’t deserve her. Thank god she’s not a vicious bitch like you.”

  Taking my sunglasses from my leather jacket I put them on.

  When I reach the car again, I thump the top out of frustration. Resting my elbows on the roof of the car I put my head in my hands. I can’t stop the lump clogging my throat or the water filtering into my eyes, that bitch has just ruined my life. I should go and find Cass, but I can’t. Who knows where to start or even what I’ll find... what if they are together like she just said? My whole world will be ripped from me and I don’t think I can take that. Slamming my hand on the roof of the car one last time, I open the door and get in, wiping the moisture from my eyes and start the engine.

  The only thing I want to do now is get pissed, I should see my Mum while I’m here, but I can’t. I need to get out of here.

  The further away the better!

  Chapter Seven

  Cassidy

  Sitting in the cafe, my hands cup the milkshake while we laugh and talk about the younger days. Ha, younger days, I’m seventeen but I feel so much older. If Elliott doesn’t come back, I’m not sure what I’ll do or where I’ll go from here - or if I ever get over losing him but it’s not just me anymore.

  “Earth to Cass.”

  Carson’s voice filters through my zombie state as my eyes blink. I grin, finding Carson watching me.

  “You’ll be okay you know.”

  “How do you know? He may still come back anyway. You’re talking like it’s a done deal?”

  “I’m always here for you. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Neither am I anymore,” I mumble.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Nothing. I need to get back... I need to talk to my Mum, there’s something she should know.”

  “Can I help?”

  “I don’t think so,” I answer with a shake of my head. His hand covers mine, his thumb softly stroking my knuckles, his eyes telling me he wants more. I'm so stupid, I should have seen this coming. “Carson, don’t. Please.”

  “You can trust me, Cass. It’s okay.” he smiles. I'm here for you.”

  “No, it’s not.” Swallowing hard, I prepare to tell him my news, the sick feeling in my stomach lurching as I realise Carson will be the first to know; not Elliott.

  “I’m pregnant.” His hand slips off mine as he slumps back into his chair.

  “Are you sure?”

  “It’s been confirmed by the doctor.” I nod, my eyes look everywhere but at him. “So, you see it’s not okay and there’s never going to be an us like you want because you’re my friend. I don’t see you like that, I’m sorry Carson. Really, I am. I’m way too messed up for you. You’re the only one I can count on. I have no one else.”

  “You’re not messed up, just going through a rough time at the moment.” He pauses, “I’ll always be your friend, I’ll always be here for you Cass, you know that don’t ya?”

  “Yeah. Thanks.” His sad eyes bring my emotions to a head - not that it takes a lot these days. “I’m just going to the toilet, be back in a sec.”

  Pushing through the heavy door. I stand in front of the large mirror and look at myself. Smoothing my hands over my tummy I try to imagine myself with a bump, but I can’t. I do know though that I need to tell my mother and it needs to be done today. With my steely determination, I splash some water on my pale face and head back out.

  “Are you ready?”

  Carson looks my way as I walk back towards him. I feel so guilty, I know I upset him; I can’t make myself want him when my heart is with someone else. He’s a total contrast to Elliott, he’s blonde and blue eyes - he’s got the whole boy next door thing going on. He makes me smile and laugh without trying but I just don’t want him that way.

  Elliott will always have my heart.

  He nods with a sad smile and stands to hold the door open for me to let me out first. We head back to the car where he takes me home to face the music.

  Mum is sitting with a cup of coffee when I get back.

  “Hey, Mum.”

  “Oh, you’re back? Did you have a nice time?”

  “It was okay. Erm, can I can talk to you for a minute.”

  “Of course.”

  I sit on the opposite chair to her, distance is good right now. �
�Okay here goes. I know why I’ve been sleeping so much, in fact, I’ve known a few weeks why I’ve been sleeping so much…”

  “Go on.”

  “Please don’t go mad at me but…”

  All the saliva I should have in my mouth is non-existent making it hard to swallow... Breathing in deeply I attempt again. “Mum, I’m pregnant.”

  “Excuse me?” Her eyes are wide.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  “How?” she frowns then suddenly she backtracks, “not how but whose is it and why weren’t you careful? In fact, no, why are you even having sex, you’re a child!”

  “I’m not a child, I’m almost eighteen and what do you mean, ‘whose is it?’ It’s Elliott’s of course! I don’t sleep around, mother, and before you ask yes, I’m keeping it. When he comes home I’ll tell him and we’ll raise it together.”

  I sound a lot more confident than what I’m feeling.

  “You seem to have it all planned out, so is he back?” Her eyes narrowing as she questions.

  “Not yet but he will be.”

  “You seem confident... I thought you were seeing Carson. He’d be much more appropriate than Elliott.”

  “I’m not with Carson I don’t think of him like that you know I don’t. I love Elliot and when he comes home we’re gonna be a family. You wait and see.”

  She stands and walks towards me before crouching in front of me. “I think you’re in for a huge fall darling and if he comes home what makes you think he wants a baby? He wouldn’t stick around when you asked him too so what’s a baby going to do?”

  “Why do you hate him so much?”

  “I don’t think he can step up to the plate, he's a musician, he can't be held down. I think you could do much better. I thought better of you than this. I’m very disappointed Cassidy.”

  Why does being told you’re a disappointment sting more than someone having a go at you? Why doesn’t she shout at me instead - that I can take? My dad walks into the room with questioning eyes. He holds his arms out for me. I tumble into them and cry into his neck. “I’m sorry.”