Heart & Soul

by Sienna Grant

  “You know what yeah I did hit on her. She needed someone, Elliott. You didn’t see the broken mess she was when you left. Fuck you, Elliott. We had to pick up the pieces not you. Us, not you! Oh, and Cass’s Mum.”

  Grabbing his t-shirt in my fists I pull him roughly towards me then shove him backwards hitting his back off the bar. “Good old Carson to the rescue, huh. Cassidy’s knight in shining armour.” I look around me, the anger running through me is palpable.

  “Someone had to be, didn't they? You weren’t coming back for her.” he straightens his t-shirt, smoothing it down where I grabbed him.

  “If only you knew…” I whisper to myself. If I stay here any longer, I’ll do something I regret. Instead I turn away and storm out hearing Carson, calling after me as I leave.

  Chapter Eleven

  Cassidy

  FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! Banging my hands on the steering wheel, I try to rid myself of this frustration, emotion.

  “What’s wrong, Mum?”

  “Nothing, sweet, I’m okay,” I tell my inquisitive, but sensitive son in the back as I drive away from my past before he gets the urge to come to the car. I give him one last glance before I drive away.

  Why, why did he have to come back? Things were fine! Well at least better...I’ve had ten years to get used to the idea that he isn’t around and now what…

  Reaching my small, two bedroomed, end terraced house, I pull onto the drive, cut the engine and get out. Before Cameron can run away, I open the boot of the car and grab some bags and pass them off to him to take them in for me. Before I can think about the events of today I take the rest of the bags inside. Emptying the bags, banging the tins and the jars on the side doesn’t help. I’m not even angry, I don’t think - well, I am for him coming back, but it’s more a case just seeing him again. Seeing his face, hearing him play and sing - it drags back too many memories, memories I’d hidden - put to the back of mind and forgotten about. My mum will go apeshit when she finds out he’s back. He’s going to hate me so much after this.

  “Mum? Can I put the PlayStation on now?”

  Turning to look at my boy, my baby, I smile. “Yeah of course.” The tears spring to my eyes but I won’t let them fall in front of Cam, he walks towards me and puts his arms around me, hugging me. The lump in my throat gets bigger as I struggle to hold it back. “What’s this for?” I sniff.

  “Because you’re my Mum and you look like you need a cuddle.”

  The lump is the size of a tennis ball, I try to swallow but I can’t. The tears slyly fall over and down my cheeks, wiping them before he can see, I lean over him and kiss the top of his brown-haired head. The same colour hair as his Dad’s. He looks just like him, he even has his ways. He sleeps like him too, my breath shudders.

  “I love you, Cam. Now go play.” Kissing him again before he runs away. He heads upstairs to his bedroom. His PlayStation was a Christmas present from Elliott’s Mum and Dale, he couldn’t believe it. He never knew of course where it came from, I just said it was a surprise. I made Dale and his Mum not say anything to Elliott, but Cameron never knew the amazing woman for what she was because I was so selfish. I wouldn’t talk about him and I didn’t want to answer questions., but on the other hand, I wanted him to have his dream. We all paid big-time for Elliott’s dream. How could I do that? If I had to sit down and write down all of my regrets, that would be the top one, that and not letting on to Cam that she was his Grandmother. I would’ve made sure they had a relationship. I’m such a bitch!

  I spend the rest of the day hiding in the house. Cameron has picked his favourite film, we’re ordering pizza in, then we’re going to watch it together. He comes bounding down the stairs and into the living room with his DVD.

  There’s a knock at the door, and I can see the pizza delivery man on the other side of the door waiting. “Wait there. Set the DVD up.”

  Grabbing my purse first, I answer the door and pass some money over.

  “Cameron,” I shout, I pass him the bottle of Pepsi while I shut the door and grab the large pizza and fries. We have a picnic on the floor of junk food and watch Toy Story for maybe the hundredth time, but he loves it.

  After we’ve finished eating, he’s tucked into my side while we watch the rest of the film. “Mum?”

  “Yeah, baby.”

  “Who was that man today?”

  For the second time today, my stomach churns at the thought of the man that shared my teens, the lows, the highs, the only man I’ve ever wanted and probably the only man I’ll ever want.

  “Just a friend.” My brow creasing with a frown as I put Elliott and ‘friend’ in the same sentence.

  “Have I met him before?”

  “No, sweetheart. Watch the rest of the film before it finishes.”

  He settles his head on my lap and returns his attention to Buzz and Woody. By the time the credits are going up the screen, Cameron is softly snoring away.

  Gently shaking him awake, I tell him it’s time for bed. He goes up the stairs sleepily and I tuck him in, kissing his brow.

  What have I done? I should have told him about his Dad, I should have told Elliott.

  The next night at work is a blast. Elliott and Carson aren’t really speaking for some reason and Elliott has the look of a grumpy bear who has just been woken from hibernation and is firing the evils at me.

  Sunday nights aren’t as busy as Fridays, I get time to breathe a bit. Standing here though hearing his velvet voice isn’t doing me any favours. Especially this song, Always by Bon Jovi, he’s a big Bon Jovi fan and sang it all the time, then I used to think it was so depressing but after he left it was all I listened to. I remember him telling me he’d never leave me. God, I’m so naive.

  I tried to put Elliott Chase to the back of my mind for so long, except for the everyday constant reminder of him I’ve had in the shape of Cameron. I can’t do this anymore I need to pull up my big girl knickers and sort this out.

  An hour later I see Elliott approaching the bar. Sam walks up to serve him, pushing her boobs out as she seductively says his name, I quickly I stop her. “I’ll do it Sam.”

  “Spoilsport! Okay but I get him next time. Anything so I can drool over that specimen.” With a sigh, I walk away.

  “Same again?” He nods and looks away. “Elliott?”

  “What?” He spits but doesn’t look at me.

  “Can we talk, later... maybe?”

  He turns his face to me. I can’t read how he’s feeling right now, there was a time I could read him like an open book.

  “Now you want to talk? Okay let’s talk, I got twenty minutes.”

  “I can’t do it now I’m working.”

  “On your terms again, Cass?”

  “Elliott, I know you’re a little angry…”

  “What do I have to be angry at Cass?” Not giving me a chance to answer he carries on. “So, you slept with someone else and had a kid.” He cuts me off. I look across to see Sam studying us. Hasn’t Dale told him Cam is his?

  “Elliott please, not here?” I pour his pint and place it on the bar in front of him.

  “Fine!” He turns on his heels with a look of contempt for me and storms back towards the stage. His light-blue jeans emphasise every curve in his arse, his t-shirt clings to the broadness of his shoulders as I watch him walk away from me again. How many times I’ve gone over that day in my mind in the last ten years has been too many to count.

  “Do you have to go?”

  “Cass this is massive. This could be the big time. I promise three months and I’ll be back. I’ll write to you every week and call you every day. I love you. Always.” I nod. My lips touch his in a wet kiss from the tears that have streamed down my cheeks. He kisses me one last time. My hand is in his and I refuse to release him until I have to.

  As he backs away towards the coach our hands part, he blows a kiss as he walks up the steps then turns and takes his seat.

  “Cass! Daydr
eam in your own time. Customers need serving!” Carson says before stomping away grumpily!”

  Snapping out of my daze, I get on with my job until it’s time to talk with Elliot, anything to keep my mind of it.

  Chapter Twelve

  Elliott

  So, she slept with someone, but who’s his Dad, Carson, someone else. If I believe what her Mum told me then it is Carson’s. My head is fucked up, I need answers.

  Dale kept asking me to talk to him, but I couldn’t. When I confronted Carson this morning, he’s lucky I didn’t just knock him the fuck out, I thought the little shove he had got him off lightly, instead, I went to the Crematorium. There’s not much of a grave just a small stone as she was cremated, her choice though. I’d rather have her buried; but I sat by and just watched, waited - for what I haven’t a clue, but I felt a little calmer when I came away. Whether it was because I was closer to Mum there I don’t know, it’s not like I got any answers.

  I made my whole set of songs up this morning when I was lying awake, the plan was to get Cass, to make her remember what we had all those years ago, hoping she would at least talk to me, just be civil. She seemed so angry last night for me just being back here, but she doesn’t know what I know. I wanted a fresh start, I wanted to forget everything and try again, but now... I don’t know what I’m going to do.

  Right now, I’m singing all our favourite songs, well, they used to be. I wish I hadn’t though because it makes me remember and I’m way too angry right now to go there in my mind.

  I was reluctant to come back anyway, but when my Mum kept on asking all the time, I knew I had to man up and just do it, it’s a pity it was too late. I never really expected Cassidy to still be here. Fuck why is it all so hard?

  I start my final song of the night. I strum the starting notes as Cass looks up at me from the back of the room, with my lips in front of the mic I start to sing, “Every breath you take…” by The Police. I sing the words to her, she is my breath. My eyes don’t leave hers as I sing every line, from here I can see how her jaw tenses, her harsh breathing. As I come to the end she turns away sharply and leaves. This is my safe haven, the lights, the microphone, my guitar. Here I can bleed the words from me. Music is my heaven. Once the song comes to a close I’m cut wide open, for Cass to see me. I put every bit of effort I had into that song into that and I know she felt it too.

  I finish my set and start putting my guitar away. I’ve made a decision while I’ve been standing up here. On this very stage, this is where I sang my very first song with the band - where it all started. It’s where I drank my first legal pint, I can’t keep living in the past. The crowd has begun to move through to the bar. As the room clears, I see Cass standing behind the bar with the cloth in her hand. She rounds the bar and walks towards me.

  “Hey.” She says cautiously. “I thought you may want this?” she holds out a glass of Pepsi to me.

  “Thanks.” Taking a long swig from the glass I put it to the side of me.

  “Good song choices. That’s one of my favourites.”

  “I know it is. I remember,” I look to her. “I remember everything, Cassidy.”

  “Can you give me just five minutes and I’ll be finished.” Giving her a chin lift, she walks away again.

  She comes back and sits down next to me on the edge of the stage. “I know you’re angry with me.”

  “I’m not angry, Well, that’s a lie. I don’t know how I feel.” I sigh heavily, “I’m not angry because I’ve found out you have a son, I’m not even angry or maybe I am, I’m confused, Cass. I never expected you not to move on, but shit - he’s nine! What did you do, fuck the first willing available man?”

  Her mouth drops open in shock. “How dare you!” Her voice rising to a high-pitched screech.

  “Well, what do you want me to think. Or maybe it’s Carson’s and neither of you are brave enough to tell me because he seems very protective of you both…. it stands to reason I suppose.”

  I don’t look at her once. My gaze fixes on the photos on the wall instead. When I do manage a glimpse, she’s scowling. “Or maybe he’s mine and you just didn’t tell me. Maybe that was the plan all along between you and Carson? Get rid of me and then you two could be together?”

  “Have you heard yourself? I never wanted you to leave Elliott. I never wanted you to go. I told you that, but you promised me you’d come back. So maybe it was me you wanted to leave behind…”

  Snapping my head this time to look at her gorgeous, but angry eyes, she steers her gaze away from me, but I tell her the truth anyway. “I loved you. You were everything to me.”

  “I obviously wasn’t enough.” She forces out.

  “I’m not back to make things hard for you Cassidy, this is the reason I never came back in the first place, but don’t worry I won’t be hanging around a place I know I’m not wanted, I wouldn’t want to disrupt your perfect existence.”

  “Perfect? There is nothing perfect about my life, other than my son.”

  “You could’ve fooled me.”

  “You don’t know anything.” I turn my head to look at her and see the cold look in her eyes. “So, you’re leaving again?” Her head snapping back to face me again.

  “Why not Cassidy? The only person who wanted me back here is gone. Maybe I should start afresh, somewhere different, somewhere new where there aren’t all these memories. At least you’ll be happy, then whatever you’ve got going on with Carson, you haven’t got me ruining it for you both.”

  “Ell, there’s nothing going on with Carson, and if you’d have stayed around long enough on Friday night, you’d have seen me slap him…” She stops for a breather and stands, “but you know what, you’re right. You always run away, why did I think this time would be any different?”

  “I didn’t run away last time Cassidy. I left to tour, you know that!”

  “Yeah, call it whatever you like. You still didn’t come back.”

  “You’re wrong, I did come back when you stopped answering my letters.…” I watch a crease appear on her forehead as she thinks about what I’ve just said but it doesn’t last long.

  “What do you mean, you stopped writing to me. You tossed me aside!” With another glare, she turns to leave.

  “Cass? I would never toss you aside. You made my heart beat, you kept me going.” I inch closer to her standing behind her, “who’s his Dad?” I don’t stand too close, but just enough to know I’m there. She doesn’t answer me, but her heavy pants of breath give away her racing heart. Trying to shake off the anger I whisper to her... “Got nothing to say? We could’ve been really good together again if we’d have had the chance... but it’s gone.” Her breaths rapid as they rub against my chest.

  “Cassidy, are you in here?” My eyes turn to the voice, it’s not Carson. Who is this dick? “There you are? I’ve been looking for you.” The mousy haired man says to her as he kisses her cheek. Cassidy’s eyes close as I look between them. I wait for her eyes to open to gauge what’s going on in her head, but she doesn’t look at me again.

  Instead of waiting for something I’m not sure I want to witness, I grab my guitar, “see ya.” I step back and leave the room.

  I slip into the next room and see Carson. “Pay me up I’m leaving.”

  “What you mean, you’re leaving? Don’t do this Ell.”

  “You have no right to ask anything of me.”

  “Does Cassidy know?”

  “Not that it’s anything to do with you but I have mentioned it, but I’m not sure she’s too concerned either.”

  He pulls some rolled up notes from his pocket and hands me two hundred pounds for the two nights. “Thanks.”

  “So, you’re just going to leave then and break her heart all over again?”

  “I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, bud, but she doesn’t want me here anyway, so there’s nothing to break.”

  “If you believe that you’re a bigger fool than I thought. She�
�s pined away for you for ten years!”

  “So, who’s the tool that’s in there with her now? Something else you decided to keep from me? I should never have come back.”

  I don’t give him time to answer me, instead, I shove the money into my back pocket and walk away, yet again. I hear my name being called as I walk out the door though.

  Placing my guitar in the boot of the car I start driving, but instead of going home, I head down to the beach. I sit at the top of the beach against the wall, the tides in right now.

  I spent hours on this beach, Cass and me. I always used to come down here to think which is why I’m here right now. It’s peaceful here. The smell of the sea and splashing of the tide makes me relax. I don’t want to leave here, I love being by the sea, but I left because I was feeling claustrophobic from being in such a small village... I wanted to see what was out there.

  I thought there may have been a small chance for us, I knew it was going to be hard, but I was willing to work at it, but this... I don’t know if I can get my head around it.

  Standing up, I wipe the sand from my jeans and get back in my car to head to bed.

  Saturday nights in The Anchor is disco night with a DJ. Officially I’m not working here anymore but I didn’t work Saturdays anyway. This week has been one of the worst weeks of my life for the last ten years, it’s dragged by in a blur of regrets, no sleep and trying to make heads or tail of what’s going on.

  Walking through the front door, I push my way through the crowd and head to the bar. Sam brings me a bottle over, I pass her a five-pound note, wait for the change and move to stand at the end.

  “Where’s Cassidy tonight, Sam?” She comes over to me, her huge tits bursting out of her low-cut top, as she leans on her forearms on the bar, her biceps pushing them together giving her the image of a first-class porn star. I won’t say it’s a bad view because it’s fucking not, and she knows it.