Heart & Soul

by Sienna Grant

  My head snaps to the side to look at him. “Is he mine? Or Carson’s or that prick that she was with the other night?”

  “For fuck’s sake Elliott, You need to talk to her and sort this fucking shit out. You know you still love her, that’ll never change.”

  Dale walks towards the door, stops and glances back.

  “Why don’t you just tell me? What don’t I know?

  The frustrated sigh blows from him as he looks up. “Go see her.”

  “Dale? What if I can’t put this right, or we can’t get past this?”

  “Then at least you’ve tried.”

  Nodding, I leave our conversation there...

  The next day I decide to get this out in the open once and for all. I manage to get Cassidy’s address from Dale and drive there. She lives about five minutes from my house and five minutes from her psycho mother. Who I’m yet to confront, but I need to get this out of the way first.

  I knock on the white PVC door and wait. The door opens, and she’s dressed in a pair of joggers and a vest top, her blonde hair placed on top of her head, strands falling to frame her face. She’s flushed likes she’s been doing a workout. “Elliott!” She pants.

  “Hi, Cass. Am I interrupting?”

  “Erm, no. I was just cleaning the house.”

  “I think it’s time we had a chat. Can you spare me five minutes?”

  “Yeah, come in.”

  She stands aside and waits for me to pass before shutting the door behind me. Stepping inside the small house, I look around me. It’s nice, quaint. The stairs are opposite the front door with a short hallway running alongside with three doors leading off.

  “I haven’t got long, Cameron will be back soon.” I nod and follow her into the living room.

  “Would you like a coffee?”

  “Please.” I nod.

  She leaves the room while I look around. There are pictures on the wall of her, there’s one of her and her son. Then there are school pictures, frowning as look at it. She comes back in with two mugs and places them on the coffee table. “Good looking kid.”

  Her eyes avoid mine as she answers. “Thanks. So, what did you want - like I said I haven’t got long.”

  “I’ll get straight to the point then. Dale and Carson keep saying I should ask you so here I am. Is he Carson’s?”

  My teeth bite together, my jaw tenses and my stomach churns as I prepare to ask the next question, “is he mine?” She doesn’t answer, just dips her head and wrangles her hands together. “Cassidy? Is he mine? I just want to know. I need to know where we go from here.”

  Slowly I watch her head tip forward and back up, my brain isn’t registering what’s happening right now until she does the same again. My stomach hits the floor and my parched mouth tries to swallow but it’s hard, there’s nothing there. My head turns to the photo on the wall, looking closer at him, my heart misses a beat as I can see just how much he’s like me, so much so that there’s no mistaking he’s mine. He has my eyes, my mouth but his Mum’s nose with a smirk resting on his face and my dark hair.

  “Wow,” I whisper more to myself. Cass hasn’t said anything else. Breaths leave my mouth in puffs as I try to get my head around all this. I glimpse at Cass to see her head in her hands.

  “Why, Cass?” She shrugs. “When did you find out?”

  She lifts her head from her hands. “After you left.”

  “But, I don’t get it. Why didn’t you write to me? Ring me, anything.”

  “I didn’t want to put in a letter. I wanted to tell you face to face. There were times my head was screaming to tell you, but I wanted to see the look on your face.”

  “But wouldn’t that mean you were pregnant when I left?” She turns her face away, that way I can’t see the guilt written all over her beautiful face.

  “Cass? Look at me.”

  The guilty look has changed to a stern ‘shutters down’ one as she turns back to face me.

  “I didn’t know then, I found out about six, seven weeks maybe after you left. I was waiting for you to come home.”

  “I don’t get why you didn’t tell me?” I question again, facing her again as her hard gaze cuts through me.

  “Why, would it have made the slightest bit of difference? You didn’t come back anyway.”

  She takes a deep breath and stands before me looking up at me waiting for an answer. I can’t answer her. I was away living my dream at the time. Her hard gaze cuts through me. “Wait! W... were you going to tell me, Cassidy?” I’m confused, I’m hurt. I don’t understand any of this.

  “Yes. I decided I was going to tell you face to face like I said when you came home after the tour had finished, but guess what, you never came home. After that…”

  “What the fuck!” I cut her off. “I told you I came home after three months and got my own surprise, so I didn’t stick around. My life wasn’t my life anymore.”

  “You see Elliott, you say that, but you don’t give me any real explanation. So, come on tell me... what had changed? All I remember is you telling me we’d always be together, and I was stupid enough to believe you because I thought we were in love.”

  “You are not turning this around on me Cass, I have a son who’s nine years of age and never knew. I suppose the whole fucking town knows he’s mine, having a good fucking laugh at the unknowing fool here.” My hands fly around as I shout. “Did Dale and my Mum know?”

  Her head shakes timidly. “No, well I don’t actually know. I didn’t say anything. I loved your mum, but it would have broken her heart.”

  “Carson knew though?”

  “Yep and my mum. I told Carson not to tell you, or Dale. I wanted to do it in my own time, but that time never came.”

  “Does Dale know now?” She nods guiltily, “and he never said anything. Well, fuck me talk about fucking family.”

  “When your Mum came around to talk to me about Cam, She gave me some money to treat him and said she’d known for a while. I felt so bad about it all Elliott, you have to believe me. “She cries. “I never wanted to deceive your Mum.”

  “That’s why Dale kept telling me to talk to you then?” I growl.

  The front door opens and in walks Cameron.

  “Who are you?” I look to Cass, but her heads tipped forward facing the floor. “Mum? Are you okay?” He looks at me and his Mum. “Why are you crying?”

  She sniffs before speaking. “I’m fine sweetheart.”

  Her soft gaze from looking at her son soon turns hard as she looks back at me.

  “It’s time you left.”

  She grinds out and points at the door. I walk towards the living room door but stop before I reach it.

  “This isn’t finished, Cassidy.”

  Without looking back and one more look at my son that stands before me unknowingly, I walk from the house, get in my car and speed away.

  I’ve not been out the last few days, I’ve stayed in the house and tried to get my head around everything but it’s not working. I either end up arguing with myself or more hurt than I was before. I need to get out of here. Pulling on my leather jacket, I go out to the garage. I haven’t been in here since I came back. The old drum set is still here covered up with a sheet. Taking it off an attack of memories hits me. The garage, the boys, Cassidy. Fuck, those were the good days! Rubbing my palm over the front I smile before covering it back up.

  Next, I step towards my friend, my bike. I pull the sheet away. I loved this bike - so did Cass! Cocking my leg over the seat, my foot rests on the pedal. I push down but it doesn’t start. I run my hand over the metal and chipped paintwork at the front. Kicking up the stand, I rock it backwards and forwards. What I’d give for this to start and go for a ride, feel the wind take me and forget for a little bit.

  “I used to love seeing you on that bike.” Turning around sharply, startled to hear a voice, Cassidy is leaning her shoulder against the wall outside the garage.

 
; “Shit, you made me jump! I didn’t hear you pull up?”

  Her hair’s pulled back into a ponytail away from her face as she looks at me, through me, like she used to.

  “No, I fancied a walk, maybe clear my head a little bit.”

  Instead of getting caught up looking at Cass I turn back to my bike.

  “Did it work?”

  “Nope. How are you doing?”

  “Just dandy.”

  Grabbing the rag from the shelf I shake it out and smooth it over the paintwork.

  “Elliott…”

  “Cassidy...”

  I look to the side, smug, as she pushes from the wall and starts to walk towards me. I know under all that anger she’s smirking, she never could resist my charm.

  “Do you still ride?”

  “When I get the chance but not very often. It won’t be on this one though, it won’t start.”

  “Pity.” she smirks. “Can we talk, please.”

  “I’m a bit busy.”

  I don’t know whether I can sit and talk to her but then again, I suppose she has made the effort to come here.

  “Fine.” I sigh, “come on.” I throw down the rag onto the seat of my bike and walk out with Cass following.

  We enter the kitchen and I put on the kettle. “Coffee?”

  “Yes please.”

  Busying myself with the preparation of coffee making helps me to keep my gaze from finding hers. If I look at her, I’ll cave because right now I want to push her up against the wall and kiss the fuck out of her, but we all know that won’t help matters… Instead, I concentrate on the drinks - it’s amazing what you remember. I turn with mugs in hand.

  “Black coffee, two sugars...you remembered?”

  My lips press together in a tight-lipped grin as I nod at her. We sit down at the kitchen table neither of us saying anything.

  “Well, you’ve got me, what do you want to say?”

  She looks around the room. “Wow, this place hasn’t changed. I saw her you know - before she died.”

  “You did?” I ask shocked that she made the effort, but I know she got on with my Mum.

  My Mum died in hospital from cancer. It was terminal. When they found it in her pancreas, they’d said she only had a matter of time and that she’d probably had it as long as twelve months - there was nothing they could do for her. She went in for a routine operation and never came out.

  I was there every single day; how did I not see her there?

  “Yeah.” She nods. “She asked to see me when she first went in, when she was still of sound mind, before the drugs kicked in and when you weren’t there obviously.”

  “I don’t understand all this. I can’t get my head around it all. I understand Dale’s involvement because we’ve spoken but Carson and my mother for fuck’s sake! Did I treat you that bad?”

  “No. You didn’t. Yo... you don’t understand how hard it was for me.”

  “For you? It was hard for me to Cass! I wrote to you like I promised and you stopped replying! You wouldn’t answer your phone and I daren’t ring you at home in case your Mum picked up, god knows how much she hated me already.”

  Getting up I march away from her, I can’t be this close. I slam my cup down on the side as the coffee splashes over the sides of the cup.

  “FUUUCK!” my hands go to hair in frustration and pull it until it burns.

  “You didn’t want me, Elliott.” A small shaky voice says from behind me. “What was I supposed to do?”

  “You fucking crucified me, Cass. How could I not want you?” I shout as I swing around to face her. I walk slowly towards her as she backs up with every step I take. “Were you fucking someone else, huh? Didn’t want to tell me so you thought you’d just ignore me.” A lone tear runs down her cheek as she shakes her head. “I thought we had more than that.”

  “We did!” She shouts, the tears flowing freely. “Why did you stop writing the letters?”

  “I didn’t, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Walking towards her she backs up to the wall.

  “You know what a couple of the guys said, that maybe you were fucking someone else…”

  “Oh yeah, because they knew everything! I’ve known them as long as I’ve known you.” She sniffs and wipes her face, “but it’s true when people say you never know anyone fully.”

  “Yeah, you’re right there - like you being with my best friend after I left which was probably why you never replied to my letters...I mean I bet Mummy loved that because she said I wasn’t good enough for you anyway.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?” A deep frown mars her brow, “When did you speak to my Mum?”

  I get in her face as her eyes search mine.

  “When I came back to see you, I wanted to know what was going on.”

  “Elliott, I received maybe four or five letters from you then they suddenly stopped I didn’t think you wanted me anymore? I thought you’d gave up on us?”

  “So, you thought you ‘d get with my best friend?” I sneer at her.

  “I never got with Carson? I don’t understand this when... I never saw you. How did you see my Mum and not me?”

  “I came back to see you and your Mum told me you’d been spending time with Carson.” I

  decide against telling her I saw her with Carson in the car and save it for another time. I gauge her mood before I ask the next question. The way she’s looking at me right now she may kill me. “Is Cameron even mine? Or did you lie about that?” I sneer. My eyes close suddenly when I realise what I said, he looks just like me there’s no mistaking whose he is.

  “You bastard!”

  Her hand connects with my cheek in a slap. My head turns from the impact.

  “Do you think I would lie about something like that? You’ve seen him for fuck’s sake.”

  I grab her wrist and walk her backwards towards the table.

  “Let go...”

  Grabbing her other one, the table hits the backs of her thighs as she leans back onto it. As she struggles to get them free, I pin her down to the table with my body. Looking into her eyes that seem like they’ve seen a thousand years.

  “Let go of me!” She growls.

  Seeing her like this, hearing her getting angry, makes my dick weep, sick I know, but this woman has never left me and as much as all the other stuff I don’t know about - right now, my body and my heart is telling me I still want her anyway. My lips slam against hers in a rough kiss as she groans into my mouth. My tongue not waiting for entrance just pushing through. Her resolve weakens as I kiss her, and her body relaxes against me for a minute. I release my tight hold of her and pull her hands free, placing them on my chest, she pushes against me to move me from her, lifting my heavy body from her as she gasps heavily and moves to a sitting position on the table.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Cassidy

  Elliott walks to the sink and downs a glass of water leaving me breathless, I can’t believe I let him do that? Oh, who am I kidding I so would have let him fuck me right here on this table. He doesn’t look at me once as he walks past me and into the living room then sits down. I follow him in and sit on the edge of the chair.

  “What happens now?” I ask gently. I’m confused as fuck. We haven’t discussed Cameron at all which was the reason why I came here in the first place but seeing him sit on that bike brought back so much.

  “How do you mean?” He asks dragging me from my memories of him.

  “With us?”

  “Is there an us Cass? If so who was the tool that came to the bar?”

  “He’s a friend that’s all.” I know Matt wants there to be more between us, but I can’t, not when my heart belongs to someone else - to Elliott.

  “So here we are again. What did you even come here to say, Cassidy?”

  I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Cameron knows, I told him... about you.”

  His eyes
narrow as he takes in what I just said

  “Okay. How did he take that?”

  If I’m not mistaken he looks a little worried.

  “The news that his dad has turned up or the news that I kept it from him?”

  “Both.”

  “Not very good. He’s not talking to me right now, he hides in his bedroom instead.”

  “I’d like to meet him.”

  “Are you staying around? Because if you’re going to leave... then no.” I tell him in a snarky tone.

  “You can’t dictate to me, Cass! He’s my son!”

  “Yeah, and I have his best interests at heart even if I haven’t done the right things.”

  My head shakes with a heavy sigh.

  “Let me know what you decide.”

  I pull a piece of paper from my pocket and place it on the table then get up to leave.

  “Where are you going?” Elliott asks sounding annoyed.

  “Look this wasn’t meant to happen. I’m going because Cameron will be home from school soon and he’s my priority.”

  Turning on my heels I leave as Dale enters the kitchen through the back door. “Dale.”

  “Oh, hey Cass.” I don’t answer just keep on walking not stopping until I reach the comfort and security of my home.

  Why did I let that happen? I know because I was always easy where Elliott was concerned. He was my soft spot - still is. I couldn’t tell him if I tell him he’ll be even more upset. This will crucify him.

  The water in the shower always relaxes me, it soothes me and washes away my worries and stresses for five minutes. I wish a shower could make everything better though then I wouldn’t be in this mess. Once I’m done I get out, throw some joggers and a t-shirt on and make a coffee.

  The bang of the front door tells me Cameron is home. I stand in the doorway as he takes off his coat and dumps his bag in the corner. He barely looks at me as he tries to run straight up the stairs away from me.

  “No way. Not today, you’re going to sit here and talk to me, mister.”