Who We Are (FireNine #2)

by Williams, S. Q.

  It was best to just go to bed. Maybe he got caught up with work. He was famous, after all. I don’t know why I always forgot he didn’t live an average life. He didn’t always have time to check his phone or answer his calls. Maybe he had to take a flight to some other state that was a few hours away and his phone was off. Whatever it was, I was just hoping he would fill me in and make this worry go away.

  If only.

  I worked alone the next day.

  I enjoyed my time hanging with Kelsey, but she was one of those people who always gave sympathetic, worried looks, and I hated those. I hated when people felt bad for me. I was fine. I was still holding up. I was okay. It’d only been a day.

  It was Friday afternoon and I was glad because I needed the weekend off to clear my head. After I finished up my day on the twenty-ninth floor, I packed my things and tossed my satchel on my shoulder. Before I could turn around, I slammed right into Monica.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled, stepping back rapidly.

  Monica looked me over, folding her arms across her chest, her lavender hair bright from the fluorescent lights above. She had on a black maxi dress, black boots, and her makeup actually looked great. “Don’t be sorry,” she said, unfolding her arms. She stepped around me and sat on the edge of my desk. I turned, watching her inconspicuously. Something was up. What the hell did she want?

  “Look.” I tucked my thumb beneath the strap of my satchel. “If you’re here to harass me, be mad at me, pick on me, or even hate me for working here, don’t be. I’m sorry you feel as if I’m competition here, but I’m not. I’m here for nothing other than to work and make a living and future for myself. I don’t want Frank and he’s definitely not my—”

  “Whoa, now.” Monica laughed, cutting me off mid-sentence. “Don’t get those panties all in your ass, girl.”

  I sighed, lowering my gaze.

  “Okay.” She grabbed a paperclip off my desk and bent it backward. “I’ve been a big bitch. Yes, I thought you were trying to steal my man away, and I’m sorry. I’m just really… protective over what’s mine. Frank and I are a lot more than it looks. We’ve been seeing one another for four years.”

  My eyes expanded, shocked. “That long?” I whispered.

  “Yep.” She smirked, obviously proud she’d lasted with him. “Frank’s a sweet guy and last night when I was at his house, we talked… about you. At first I thought he was going to tell me he was interested in you and I got pissed… tossed a few things at his balls, but in the end I ended up massaging them for him.”

  I swallowed. Wow. She has no filter whatsoever.

  “Anyway, Frank wanted me to apologize. And you wanna know what I thought at first?” she asked, looking up at me.

  I pressed my lips.

  She bent the paperclip again and crossed her legs. “I thought, ‘Fuck her.’ I didn’t give one fuck about you… but then I realized how innocent you were. And then, after watching some late-night TV, I realized exactly who you were.”

  My eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?” My tone was cautious. Did I really want to know?

  “I mean, I know who you are. I know why FireNine is so important to you. I know why Frank gave you this internship. For Gage Grendel. You love him. You’re the girl that ‘got away.’” Monica rolled her eyes, making quotation marks in the air with her fingers.

  I shook my head, waving her off. “Gage and I are just friends.”

  “Yeah,” she scoffed. “And I don’t know how to give a good blowjob.”

  Okay. Awkward. But then again, she did seem like a pro in the bed. Frank wasn’t with her for no reason.

  “Look, I came over here to apologize. I won’t be a bitch to you, I won’t bother you, and I won’t be a smartass toward you anymore. You’re a really talented girl and I think, despite the fact Gage hooked you up, you deserve to be here just as much as the rest of us. I’m an envious girl, and when I see Frank all smiley and flirtatious, I get real… bitchy. And he knows it. He likes the fierce side of me. I think he did it on purpose.” She stood from my desk, smirking as she dropped the paperclip in the trash bin.

  “Uh… thanks,” I said.

  “Don’t mention it. You need help, you ask me.” She stepped past me and made her way out the door, but before she turned the corner, she looked over her shoulder at me. “And… um… I know how hard it must be for you to date someone like him. You’re so chill and sweet. I saw you yesterday and this morning and I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I know it’s bad. And I fear you’ll lose your touch over it. Don’t. Stick to what you love. Hang on. Sometimes some people aren’t worth the sacrifice, but if they are, you’ll know.”

  Monica forced a smile at me and then she stepped out, disappearing around the corner. I took a deep breath, looking at the tiled floor. Tears stung my eyes, but I shook my head and grabbed my keys out of my satchel. I hurried out of the temporary office I shared with Kelsey, locked it behind me, and then made my way to the nearest elevator, hoping no one I knew would run into me and try and talk to me.

  I just wanted to be left alone.

  When I arrived home, I knew I had to finish the project Monica had me working on. As much as I loved my job, I hated this project because it dealt with FireNine... Everything I did dealt with the band. I couldn’t stand it, but this was my dream job and I had to stick through it. But this night, I knew it was going to get harder and harder to endure.

  I grabbed my camera and laptop and sat at the table. Drawing in a deep breath, I turned on the laptop, plugged in the USB cord for my camera, and then opened the document where the pictures could be found.

  And at first I was okay. I found a few pictures of Gage that would come in handy for the project and printed them. I was tough, and I was proud of it—that is until I reached the picture I’d taken of us together. He was standing beside me, his cheek on mine, smiling charismatically. And I was… happy. It was strange how shit just flipped upside down after that. It hurt to think about. It felt as if a knife had been penetrated through my chest and sank deeper and deeper the more I looked at the pictures. I kept going through them, though, seeing the pictures Gage took of me. They were good, but with each passing one, tears pooled in my eyes. My heart was pounding, palms sweating, remembering what happened after our little photo shoot. How we kissed roughly, made love, smiled… There was nothing I could say. I couldn’t even think clearly. I was just… hurting. Breaking. The tears dripped on the table and I broke down, folding my arms and burying my face within them. I was never a crier, but this was the time to cry—the time to just let it all go. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. What happened? We were doing so well and I was ready to finally stick this thing out with him.

  I guess he wasn’t.

  I was a mess the next two weeks.

  I was doped up on coffee, donuts, and anything that would sweeten the agony. I hardly spoke to Kelsey because she kept giving me the concerned eyes, and for some reason I was getting closer and closer to Monica. She actually wasn’t that bad of a girl once I got to know her. She was a bedroom freak, though, and loved to go into detail about how to give a blowjob or how to ride a man’s Johnson, but I could handle it. I was just glad she was more of a self-centered type of person and didn’t ask about how I was doing much.

  I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know who I was becoming, but I did know I wasn’t the happy, simple Eliza Smith I once was.

  I was angry and bitter. The smallest things annoyed me and sometimes I would cry late at night because I would smell Gage on the left side of my bed even after I’d changed the sheets. It hurt. It was killing me. He was probably giving me payback for breaking his heart. Now I knew how bad he must have hurt over me. It’s not like I didn’t hurt, though. I did. I missed him every single day. I thought about him every single day. I wanted him every. Single. Day. He was my first at a lot of things, so of course I wasn’t going to just get over him.

  During my lunch break a few days later, Kelsey fin
ally decided to give up and badger me. She’d been doing a good job at giving me my space and I could appreciate that, but I knew she was fed up with it. She stepped into the break room with a container of food in hand. After placing the food in the microwave and pressing a few buttons, she turned around and forced a smile at me.

  “Haven’t seen Gage come back to AG in a while,” she said.

  “Yeah. I know.” I hung my head, focusing on my thriller novel. Romance wasn’t what I wanted to read about. Nothing sappy. I was more on the violent side. Kelsey sighed and then the microwave beeped. She didn’t bother opening it. Instead, she sat beside me, grabbed my book, and slid it across the table. “Hey!” I frowned, staring from her to my book.

  “Tell me what the fuck is up,” she snapped. “Seriously. I see you hanging around Monica the selfish bitch instead of me. You’ve got bags under your damn eyes like you haven’t slept in days. You aren’t really eating on lunch breaks. Just reading, sipping nasty-ass coffee, drawing, or painting.” She threw her arms in the air as I folded mine and sat back. “Eliza, seriously. I know this look. I know this pain. I lived through it for three hundred and eighty-five days before finally getting over it. I’ll understand if you just say it.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Please just give me my book.” I aimed for my book, but she pushed it back farther.

  “Not until you spill.”

  “I don’t want to. I’m trying not to think about it.”

  “You don’t have to think. Just say it.”

  “It’s hard to say out loud.” I took a deep breath and then reached across the table for my book again. Before I could grab it, Kelsey knocked my hand back, shaking her head and pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

  “Look at me, Eliza, and tell me what he did.”

  I couldn’t look at her, and I couldn’t stand her sympathy. It was making me crumble and I didn’t need to crumble. I was doing fine. Not talking or thinking about it was making me okay… at least I thought so. I was numbing to his absence. It was just as good as not thinking about it. “Kelsey, I—” I took another deep breath. “I’m really sorry I’ve been avoiding you. I just know if I’m around you, I’ll crack and tell you. And then if I tell you, I’ll start to think about him again and I don’t want to.”

  Kelsey remained silent. It’s like she knew I was going to tell her anyway.

  “Okay,” I breathed out after a silent ten seconds. “Gage hasn’t talked to me since we had lunch and hung out.”

  Silence. “What do you think he’s doing? I heard the band is making a new CD. Montana tweeted it yesterday.”

  “Yeah, but it only takes—what?—ten seconds to give me a call back,” I snapped at her. I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t mean to. “I’m sorry.” My voice cracked. “I’m being a bitch. I’m sorry. I’m just…” Fuck! Thinking of him was tearing me in half. “I’m just worried as hell. You know my dad is their manager and I’ve called him, but he said he isn’t going to see the boys for another week or so when his vacation is over.”

  “Oh.” Kelsey’s voice was filled with sadness. She placed a hand on top of mine and I looked at her beneath my eyelashes, feeling the tears at the rims of my eyes begging to fall. I refused to allow them. “Hmm… maybe we should have a girls’ night tonight. We can veg out on some pizza, ice cream, donuts, and even watch funny movies. You name it. I want to talk to you about it. I think I can help, if not a lot, then a little.” She smiled from ear to ear and I smiled back, but then a throat cleared from the doorway and our gazes averted to Monica who was standing there with her arms crossed.

  “Lunch break’s over, bitches. We’ve got a project to finish,” she said, stepping into the room. We sighed, grabbing our things and standing from the table. “But,” Monica said, grinning, “if you invite me to this girls’ night thing, I’ll let you have another twenty minutes.”

  I lit up with relief, watching a warm smile form on Monica’s lips. I then looked at Kelsey who was frowning at Monica. “You’re a nosey something, huh?” she muttered, pulling her chair back out and sitting again. “How long were you listening?”

  “Eh.” Monica shrugged. “Gets boring as hell around here sometimes. And if we’re being particular, perhaps the whole time.” She grabbed my bag of potato chips, opened them, and popped one into her mouth. “So am I welcome or what? Frank’s going out of town for some meeting and I’ll be left alone. No homework or work to do until tomorrow… and I could use a good girls’ night.”

  “Sure,” I said.

  “I don’t know,” Kelsey said at the same time.

  “What do you mean you don’t know?” Monica asked, eyes wide, forehead creased. “Seriously, Kelsey. I won’t ruin anything. I’ll be sweet. I’m kind of changing. Ask Eliza. I’m no longer a bitch to her.”

  “But you’re still a bitch,” Kelsey countered, snorting over her food.

  “Whatever.” Monica waved her off. “We’re going to Eliza’s place, right? Since she said yeah, I can come, so I’ll be there. Around seven?”

  I giggled. “Seven’s perfect.”

  “Great.” Monica dropped the bag of chips and slammed her hands down on the table, pushing to a stand. “We’ll get that fucker out of that mind of yours,” she told me, mildly scolding. “Tonight’ll be fun.”

  I forced a smile before she turned and walked out.

  “Ugh.” Kelsey shook her head.

  I laughed. “What?”

  “Seriously? Monica of all people?”

  “She’s okay. I promise. I don’t think she’ll be as annoying when it’s just us.”

  “We’ll see,” Kelsey muttered, eating her pasta. “But I swear if she talks about sucking Frank’s—as she puts it—‘hot-ass balls and long dick,’ I’m leaving.” She made quotation marks with her fingers and I burst out laughing. “He’s sexy and all, but that chick has no class whatsoever. I don’t need to know every sexual detail about my boss. Kinda weirds me out when I see him now. All I can picture is Monica hanging on to him and sucking his dick.”

  She was really killing me. I couldn’t help but laugh because seeing Frank gave me the same vision.

  Perhaps this was what I needed. To hang with girls. Individuals who could understand my pain.

  I knew it was going to be a good night with them… at least I hoped so.

  My motive: make tonight fun and don’t think about Gage Grendel.

  It was a smart motive, and it was best to do since the girls were coming over. I called Ben as soon as I got home and told him about my little girls’ night.

  “Oh, Liza Bear, that’s great! I’m so glad you’re playing nice up there,” he said.

  I laughed, pulling down a large popcorn bowl from the cabinet. “I always play nice.”

  “Not with girls.”

  I laughed because I knew exactly to what he was referring. My not-so-enjoyable cage fights. “Whatever. So how is Hawaii?”

  “Hawaii is ah-maz-ing, Liza. You would’ve loved it.”

  “I’m sure.” I smiled. There was a thing I never told Ben. I didn’t tell him Gage hadn’t talked to me for a while. I didn’t want drama between them, and for some reason it seemed like the best thing to do. I was grown. I didn’t need to drag my dramatic gay dad into our problems.

  “So how was your weekend with Gage?” Ben asked.

  I stopped opening the box of popcorn, my pulse pausing. I then took a deep breath, shaking my head. “It was nice.”

  “Just nice?” I could tell he was frowning on his end.

  “Yeah. Just nice. He left the next day.”

  “Oh yeah? Well, I hope it was fun. Sounds like you’re upset about it.”

  I pressed my lips. I was beyond upset. I was pissed! It was best to leave Ben clueless, though. “I’m fine.” I forced a laugh and then asked him about the new guy with the piercing blue eyes he was talking to. Ben completely forgot about my sullen mood and went into every detail about the new guy’s personality. The guy’s name was
Leo Clark and he was one of the coordinators of the boys’ record label. According to Ben, Leo had asked him out first, but I knew my dad. In order to get attention, he flirted a lot. Honestly, he was better at flirting than me. He and Leo had been talking for about four months. It was cute. At least someone was happy.

  “Well, Liza, I gotta go. I have a phone call to make and then I’ll be hitting the beach to soak up some more sun. I love you and I hope you have a good night with your new girlfriends!”

  “I will. Thanks, Ben. I love you, too.”

  I ended the call and then sighed, folding my arms and leaning my back against the counter. I really needed the girls to come through tonight. I was tired of thinking about Gage. My motive was to get him off my mind and I knew in order to do that, I had to act like nothing was wrong with me.

  Instead of wallowing, I stuffed a bag of popcorn into the microwave, stepped out of the kitchen to get into the living room, blasted a shuffle mix of Fall Out Boy and Paramore, and then I hopped in the shower. It was time to start fresh. Time to have fun and be girly… however that went.

  Kelsey showed up first with a stack of movies and an overnight bag. As soon as she stepped into my apartment, she placed her things down, then pulled me in for a hug. “How you feeling?”

  “Great.” I smiled, pulling back to look into her eyes. At least she no longer had the sympathetic gaze.

  “So, listen,” she said, clapping her hands. She went for the stack of movies but then stopped, clapping her hands again and doing some kind of crazy groove. “Oh shit! I love this song. OneRepublic, right? Their new CD is amazing.”

  I smiled at her. “Yeah. I love them a lot. They rock.”

  “Okay, anywho.” She grabbed a few movies and held them up. “I’ve got the first season of True Blood, the first and second season of The Vampire Diaries, and the first season of Teen Wolf. I tried to stay away from all the really sappy stuff.”