Who We Are (FireNine #2)

by Williams, S. Q.

  I grabbed the movies from her. “Um… maybe we could start off with True Blood. Seems like the most hardcore.”

  “Yeah. Sure thing. Oh, and also…” Kelsey spun around and went for her overnight bag. She dug through it and then pulled out a box, grinning from ear to ear. “We’re making brownies. Come on. Chocolate erases all problems.” She gestured toward the kitchen and I giggled, following after her.

  “You’re really putting a lot of effort into tonight,” I said, reaching into the cabinet for a bowl. “I feel lame since all I thought about making was popcorn.”

  Kelsey burst out with a laugh, grabbing the bowl from me and placing it on the counter. “Well, I wouldn’t expect more from you. You don’t seem like the kind of chick who thinks about baking.”

  “You got me there.” I sighed, smiling as she grabbed all the ingredients she needed.

  “So before Monica can get here and try to put in her two cents,” Kelsey started, taking an egg out of the carton, “I think maybe we should talk about why I’m really here.”

  “You mean about Gage?” I muttered, hopping on the counter. I dangled my feet as Kelsey nodded and asked for a spoon. I pulled one out of the drawer and handed it to her. “What about him?”

  “Why did he just leave like that?” she asked.

  “You’re asking me?” I scoffed. “I seriously don’t know. And it sucks because for the past two weeks, I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell I may have done wrong—what it was that made him leave. I don’t want to think it was me. I don’t want to assume he’s trying to forget about me. Kelsey, the night before he left, Gage was acting so… off. He was hardly talking, but he was watching me. He let me sleep in his arms and he even told me he loved me and always will before we fell asleep… but then I get this? The silent treatment?” I hopped from the counter and began pacing behind Kelsey as she mixed the brownie batter. She remained silent.

  “And you want to know what I think?” I asked.

  “What?” Her voice was faint. She probably didn’t expect me to get this wound up and annoyed by it. But I’d been holding this in for two weeks and damn it if it didn’t feel good to say what had been heavy on my mind.

  “I think he’s paying me back for last summer. I think he’s trying to prove a point—and I get it! I hurt him. I let our love go. I—I seriously didn’t mean to. I love Gage. I love him with all my fucking heart, but… how the hell am I supposed to breathe when he’s ignoring me like this? How am I supposed to focus when all my thoughts are about him? There’s not a second that goes by when I’m not thinking about him. Not one.

  “Every single morning, I smell him. Even when I’ve changed my sheets, I smell him. When I roll onto the side of the bed he was on, I smell him. I can almost feel him—and then I want to call him. I wanna call him because I feel so helpless. So alone. All I wanna do is hear his voice. I just want the assurance that we’re still okay. I just want to make sure everything is okay, but… he obviously doesn’t care whether it is or not.” I threw my hands in the air as tears burned the rims of my eyes, and this time, I allowed them to fall. My rant was what I needed. All this time I’d been trying to figure out how I felt, but all I needed to do was say it out loud.

  I sniffled and Kelsey stopped mixing the brownie batter. She turned around, gripped my shoulders, and smiled at me. “This is good,” she breathed. “This is what you needed to do all along. Let it out. All of that was on your chest and I’m glad most of it’s gone. I understand your pain. Your hurt. This is just the beginning, Eliza.” Her eyes narrowed sympathetically. A few more tears escaped and I shut my eyes, begging them to stop. Kelsey pulled me in by the shoulders and held on to me, providing a tight embrace.

  “I don’t want to ruin our girls’ night,” I said, giggling and sniffling a little.

  “You won’t. This is what I really came for.” Kelsey pulled away and placed a hand on her hip. “You know what I think?” she asked.

  I ran the back of my hand across my nose. “What?”

  “I think this is all just a big misunderstanding.”

  I frowned. “How?”

  “Don’t get me wrong,” she said, holding up her hands innocently. “He has no excuse for ignoring you like this, but… have you been watching the entertainment channel? All they’ve been talking about is FireNine.”

  “I try to avoid watching that channel,” I mumbled.

  “Well, do you have a laptop?”

  “Yeah, I do. It’s in my room. I’ll go grab it.”

  “Good, ‘cause what I’m about to show you will probably explain why Gage hasn’t been responding.”

  “All right, brace yourself, chick,” Kelsey said as she clicked away at the keyboard. “Seriously, though, how have you not heard about this? It’s all over the place.”

  “I try to stay clear of anything that deals with famous people. Most of the stuff is rumors anyway.”

  “Hmm. True.” Kelsey shrugged. “All right.” She hopped up and told me to sit in her seat. “This is what I saw yesterday afternoon after work.”

  Kelsey hit play on the video and as soon as she did, a load of screams filled the room. At first it showed fans of FireNine wearing their merchandise, girls wailing wildly as they saw the band on the street, and then there was a clear shot of Gage. The narrator spoke up and I tuned in, confused by this video already.

  “Gage Grendel is known for being the sexy and single lead singer of our generation. He’s told us once before that besides his band, he has nothing else to live for… but we all know that’s changed. After hearing about Grendel’s breakdown last summer from Calvin Avery’s popular article in It’s Real magazine, some tell us Gage has moved on to someone else and he’s happier than ever before. Her name is Penelope Binds, daughter of Richard Binds, who is CEO and head honcho of FireNine. After being spotted walking town with Penelope, Grendel has been making fewer appearances in public—but get this! Penelope is rocking an engagement ring, and just last night, the paparazzi asked Binds what was going on between her and Gage and this is how she responded…”

  I took in a ragged breath as I watched Penelope pushing through the crowd, trying to get to her ride. Before the chauffeur opened the car door for her, Penelope turned around and smiled at one of the cameras. She then said, “If you all must know, yes, me and Gage will be getting married when the time is right. No official date yet.”

  My heart dropped. Hearing her say that made me gasp for air. I think my lungs literally stopped working. “Cut it off,” I mumbled.

  “Wait, it’s just getting to the good part,” Kelsey said, leaning her elbows on the table and watching the screen.

  The next thing shown was Gage and Penelope in the midst of a public display of affection. He kissed her, ran his fingers through her hair, grabbed her ass, and kissed her forehead. The forehead kisses were what always got me. I loved them, and I hated he shared them.

  “That’s a video from two years ago,” Kelsey said, rubbing my shoulder. “Way before he met you. You know how the media likes to screw shit up.”

  “Just this morning,” the narrator said, “Grendel was spotted playing his guitar in Central Park with lead guitarist of FireNine, Roy Sykes. Before the boys could flee, someone asked them what happened to his previous lover. Gage responded with, ‘We no longer date. We were never a couple. We were just a one-time thing during a short amount of time, and if I want to keep my life the way it is, I’ll most likely never get to talk to her again. Sometimes it is what it is. It’s life.’ Grendel is hurt, but we’re so glad he’s moved on to someone who he seems to be in love with.”

  “God, Kelsey! Cut it off!” I shouted, pushing away from the table. I stormed down the hallway with a dry throat. Hot tears trickled down my cheeks as I hurried to my room and into the bathroom. I slammed the door behind me and that’s when it all came tumbling down on me. It was almost like the roof had collapsed and crushed me, shattering me into pieces. My knees gave out on me and I slid my back down the door. My
rear landed on the cold tile floor and then I wrapped my arms around my legs, tucking them against my chest.

  I was right.

  He was trying to make me feel his pain. He didn’t want me like I thought he did when he came back, and I felt so fucking stupid for falling for him all over again. I should’ve known it was all a coincidence… but why would he tell me all that stuff? Why would he come to my apartment late at night and tell me how much he missed me and then make love to me? Why would he go through the hassle just to make me feel miserable all over again.

  I sobbed.

  I sobbed again.

  And again, but it was louder. Ten times louder. So loud I didn’t even realize Kelsey was banging on the door.

  “Eliza, open up, please,” she begged. Her voice was faint behind the door and, once again, sympathetic. Sympathy isn’t what a girl needs when feeling the way I was. “Eliza, I’m sorry. But I thought you should see it. He doesn’t seem happy.”

  “I don’t care,” I sobbed. “I should’ve known. He sounded like he meant it. All of it.”

  Kelsey sighed raggedly on the other side of the door and then there was a distant knock. “Oh great. Monica the Witch is here. I’ll get it. Clean yourself up.”

  I ignored her. I wanted to stay this way for the rest of the night.

  How could he say that about me? How could he come to my face and lie? All this time I thought our love was real. I felt like we could have actually made something work, but then he went back and put a ring on Penelope’s fucking finger? He promised me he would drop her. I believed him. He fucking lied to me. Again.

  Was this his plan? To fuck me, pretend to love me, and then leave me behind like some heap of trash? I wasn’t having it. I was furious and this crying Eliza wasn’t doing it for me. I had to toughen up. No matter how much I was hurting, I had to tell myself over and over again that this was life. This was Gage. He was never the type to stay true to anyone outside himself, his band and his family, so why would he make an exception for someone like me? Someone so typical?

  It took me twenty minutes to straighten myself up and go back out to finish our girls’ night. It didn’t help one bit when I kept looking at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy. My lips were chapped and dry. I looked broken and weak as I stood over the counter. I guess this is how heartbreak feels, I thought. Now I could see how messed up I must have made him.

  Point taken, Grendel.

  “Okay, Eliza,” I breathed out, shaking my head. “Get it together. We’re having fun tonight.” I looked in the mirror one last time and then turned on the faucet, dipping my hands beneath the cool water to splash it onto my face. I dried my face with a towel and then took a deep breath, gripping the doorknob and pulling open the door.

  Music played from the living room and I was glad the girls found a way to distract themselves while I pulled myself together. What a terrible host I am. I slowly carried myself down the hallway and heard the girls in the kitchen. As I stepped in, Monica was leaning on the counter, texting, and Kelsey was standing by the oven, her arms folded. “Brownies are almost done,” Kelsey said, forcing a smile.

  “Yeah.” Monica grinned. “And I bought ice cream and fudge.”

  “Great. Let me go put in the movie.”

  “I’ll help,” Monica insisted.

  Kelsey rolled her eyes. “I don’t think she needs help putting in a movie, nosey broad.”

  Monica looked over her shoulder while giving Kelsey the middle finger. “Suck it.”

  “That’s Frank’s job. Sorry.” Kelsey smiled dominantly and tilted her head.

  “Whatever. Come on, Eliza.” Monica draped her arm across my shoulders and led the way to the living room. “So what’s up?”

  “Nothing,” I murmured.

  “No. Don’t act all bummed out. It’s our night. We’re having fun, remember?” She stopped walking and pulled away to knuckle my cheek, and I forced a smile. “Kelsey told me what happened… well, somewhat. I saw that video, too. But I thought you knew. I thought that was why you were so…” Monica broke off, eyes wide. “Well.” She cleared her throat. “I was obviously wrong. But I meant what I said. He isn’t worth it.”

  “Yeah.” I pressed my lips and grabbed the True Blood DVD. I opened the case, popped it into the DVD player, and then grabbed the remote to turn on the TV.

  “Look,” Monica sighed, sitting on the arm of the sofa. “I’ve had my fair share of dickheads. I know how it feels to be hurt and fucked over. I’m here to help. You’re a nice girl. I feel like the least I can do is listen to how you feel.”

  I remained silent and shook my head. Bending down, I turned off the music and then flopped on the couch, sighing deeply. “Okay, y’all want to help me?” I asked, loud enough so Kelsey could hear from the kitchen.

  Kelsey came running around the corner, a wide smile on her lips. “You know we want to!”

  “Yeah. Let us,” Monica added.

  “Okay.” I dropped my hands on my thighs, causing a loud slap. “Stop talking about it. Stop feeling bad for me. I cried, but I’m done. I won’t wallow over someone who doesn’t appreciate me. You were right, Monica,” I said, putting my gaze on her. She swallowed. “You were right. He isn’t worth it. There was a reason why I left last summer and I’m glad I did. I’m glad I chose my dream. Some things just don’t work out.”

  “Okay…” Monica’s eyebrows stitched. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “She means she’s glad she left Gage last summer for school. She’s glad she didn’t give him a chance because he would’ve fucked it up in the long run with that Penelope chick… At least, that’s what I’m assuming,” Kelsey said, looking at me. “Because Gage couldn’t leave Penelope alone, right? The magazine said he didn’t see you for two whole nights because he was hanging out with her.”

  “Yeah,” I breathed out. “Right.”

  “Okay, well, screw it.” Monica hopped off the arm of the couch and placed her hands on her hips. “Since she doesn’t wanna talk about herself, we can talk about me and Frank.” She grinned.

  “Or”—Kelsey butted in—“we could watch some vicious vamps until our eyelids shut on us.”

  “Yeah, I think I like the vicious vamps idea more,” I said, giggling.

  “Fine.” Monica frowned. “Suit yourself. But I have some juicy stories and you’re gonna hate you didn’t listen. Right before Frank left for that business trip, I gave him this amazing blowjob in his off—”

  “Okay, Monica!” Kelsey screeched, grabbing two throw pillows off the couch and covering her ears. “Your stories with our boss are really weird to hear. I didn’t tell you this, but when I see Frank now, all I can picture are his balls hanging out and you licking them.”

  “Really?” Monica grinned, folding her arms. “That’s kinda cool. It’s how it should be. Frank’s mine.”

  “Yeah, we get that,” Kelsey said, laughing.

  I laughed silently, enjoying their bickering. Monica and Kelsey were hilarious together and I was glad they were around to steal away my thoughts. I was glad that, for the time being, I had them by my side.

  We watched a ton of True Blood and ate heaps of brownies, cookies, ice cream, and popcorn. We definitely weren’t counting our calories, but we didn’t give a damn. It was girls’ night and I learned girls’ night is a kind of night where we have no boundaries. Girls’ night is when we don’t judge and we merely act on impulse. We say and do whatever the hell we want, laugh or snort without being humiliated, and tell one another juicy stories during the boring scenes, even if it did hurt a little to bring up.

  Kelsey and Monica saved me from drowning in my own tears that night. I couldn’t thank them enough for not bringing up Gage again. They were girls and they were both hurt before. They understood my pain and the last thing they wanted to do was keep me knee deep in my agony.

  Kelsey and Monica were like two Band-Aids on my worst scars. With them around, I felt better.

  I woke up gro
ggily the next morning.

  Monica and Kelsey left early for work and since I had the Saturday off, I slept in. Usually it was a great feeling to sleep in, but not this time around. I woke up with a headache and knew automatically my day was going to be a shit-filled ride.

  Pushing away the blankets, I climbed out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I glanced at the mirror and saw I looked completely awful. Geez, it had only been two weeks, but it felt like it’d been months. This heartbreak shit was for the birds… and unfortunately, I was one of the crows feeding off of it.

  I needed to get out. I needed some air. A run around Central Park was best. I’d jog there and get all this sadness out of me and then come back and paint my day away.

  After I ate some breakfast, got dressed, and brushed my teeth, I grabbed my iPod and stuffed my earbuds into my ears.

  The city was busy as usual. After I was clear of the busy bodies and met at the entrance of the park, I started down the trail. It was actually a nice day for New York. It was no longer raining, but there were clouds scattered about, forewarning us all that some drizzle would be happening soon. I didn’t mind drizzle. I needed to cool down.

  I passed a few people sitting on benches, reading newspapers, magazines, books, and some even eating lunch. Most of the people sitting around were in suits and dressy clothes. The other people were elderly men and women. Women jogged by in sports bras and shorts like me; most men jogged in just shorts. A few children were running around playing hide and seek. Some people walked their dogs. It was pretty peaceful.

  I filled my ears with a shuffle mix of Natasha Bedingfield, Fall Out Boy, and OneRepublic. It felt nice to run to the upbeat voices. I had to clear my head and this was the best way to do it. I picked up my pace and continued on the trail, panting heavily the faster I went. The trail split into a fork and I took the middle one, which was lined with trees. A smooth breeze blew by, cooling me down just a little, but I refused to stop.