Liars and Losers Like Us

by Ami Allen-Vath

“Or figure out a way to make sense of it and learn from it.”

  I giggle again. “Thanks, Mom. How did this game get so fucking depressing? We’re so lame.”

  “Speak for yourself,” Sean laughs. “I’ve just been proclaimed the hottest quarterback in Belmont.”

  “I wouldn’t let the title go to your head. There are only two quarterbacks to choose from.”

  “Still. I’ll drink to that.” He pulls the bottle from my hand.

  I reach for him, feeling my way to the waistband of his jeans. I hook my finger into one of his belt loops, then run my other hand to the back of his neck, pulling him in. I press my lips to his ear.

  Suddenly, the sound of the guest room door swinging open is followed by a slam that rattles the closet door. Sean and I squeeze tight into the corner, while I perform a silent rearrange of the coats. Sean grasps and squeezes my hand.

  “WHAT THE HELL’S GOIN’ ON IN HERE?” A loud male voice bellows as the closet door swings open.

  “Olly Olly oxen freeeeeee!” Kallie yells from outside the room. Todd laughs. From the closet doorway.

  Sean jumps up and runs out of the closet, tackling Todd onto the bed.

  “You bastard. Dude, you scared the shit out of us!”

  “Omigod you guys are crazy.” I run my hand over my hair as I make my way out of the closet.

  “I am so sorry, you guys. I can’t believe my brother. What an ass. Everyone’s gone now except us, Molly, and Justin. They hid in the woods. And get this. In their underwear. They were swimming when my brother got here and I’m pretty sure they hooked up.”

  “Which is total bullshit if it’s true,” says Todd. “I went out with her for a year and didn’t get past second, so—”

  “Um, really?” Kallie slaps Todd on the side of the head. “I think you’re all set now.”

  “Yes, babes, I am. I was just sayin’.”

  “Know what I’m just sayin’? I’m jus’ sayin’ that I gotta pee so bad.” I run into the bathroom.

  “Is she drunk?” Kallie asks.

  “We just had a little wine. Doubt it.”

  “I can hear you, ya know,” I shout through the closed door. I did feel a little light when I got out of the closet but now I feel fine. Quite fine. I pee for like three minutes. I check the mirror and my cheeks are flushed and hair is a little messy. Sexy messy. Tonight just might be the night.

  I throw my backpack onto the bed. “We’re calling this room tonight.”

  TWENTY-FOUR

  Kallie sequesters us to the rec area in the basement, just in case Kyle returns, or anyone else trying to crash. “I’m over parties. Too much stress. I should’ve just invited you guys.”

  “Whoever heard of a bar with no alcohol?” asks Justin as he tours the area.

  “Sorry, my parents don’t drink, it’s the devil’s something or other.”

  “The devil’s brew. That’s what my parents say.” Molly winks. “Drinking isn’t that bad, though. I don’t know what I was afraid of all these years.”

  “Maybe you were afraid of getting sick and puking on my shoes,” I say.

  “I know something else you were afraid of and maybe now you think is fun,” Todd says.

  “So who wants to play pool?” asks Kallie, snatching a pool stick off the wall and shooting Todd a death stare.

  “I want to play Call of Duty on this big ass movie screen.” Justin runs to the media console. “Please tell me your parents don’t think video games are the Devil’s playthings?”

  “Check the media cabinet. Xbox is already hooked up.” Kallie grabs a remote, clicks a button, and two doors slide open. “There you go. My dad and brother play all the time.”

  “Sweet,” says Sean. He looks at me, “Care if I play for a while?”

  “Yeah sure, it’s cool.” I shrug and turn to Kallie who’s dropped the pool stick and has Todd pinned against the wall. His hands are all over her ass.

  “Get a room guys.” Sean launches a pillow over at Todd’s head.

  “Good idea. We’re going upstairs.” Grabbing Todd’s hands, Kallie pulls him toward the bottom of the stairs. “Make yourselves at home. But don’t go bananas, okay?”

  “Oh trust me, I’m gonna go bananas,” I say.

  “I’m going bananas too,” Molly says and throws her hand up for a high five.

  “Oh yeah,” I say as she misses my hand.

  Molly and I hover in-between the pool table and watch the guys groping video controllers to shoot a bunch of soldier zombies. Molly’s phone rings and she talks for a minute then hangs up. “Everybody, Jane says ‘hi.’ Well, sorta. She said to tell Justin and Sean hi.”

  “What’s she up to?” asks Justin.

  “Being sad and mopey. She would’ve come but she thinks everyone hates her.”

  “I can’t picture Jane as sad or mopey,” Justin says.

  Maybe mad and bitchy is at the tip of my tongue but my stomach twinges with guilt. “I don’t think Kallie invited her anyway. It’s probably for the best but that’s all we need to say about that.” I slam the eight ball with my pool cue and it swishes into the right corner pocket. “Molly, wanna come upstairs with me to get the wine I brought? There’s not much left but hey, it’s something.”

  “Every since the night you held my hair I knew we were gonna be great friends.” Molly wraps her arms around me.

  “Seriously Molly, it’s probably like three sips each.”

  “I don’t care Brittany Bree—le’sgo!”

  We head up the stairs and shush each other as we pass Kallie’s room giggling. I cannot even explain the noises coming from her room except to say that it sounds, well, inappropriate for us to hear, but probably pretty fun for them.

  “That’s a lotta hot drama right there,” Molly says. “I’m so over him but I definitely didn’t need to hear that.”

  “Ugh,” I groan. “If I never have to hear Todd having sex again it’ll be too soon. Kallie too, for that matter.” I grab the bottle of wine from my backpack.

  “What else you got in there?” Molly reaches toward my bag.

  “Nothing, why? Just the wine.” I cover the bag’s opening with my hand.

  “Why’re you so defensive then, eh?” Molly raises her eyebrows and smirks.

  It feels like I have writing on my forehead. I swipe my palm over my brow just in case. Just in case it says I bought a three pack of condoms at Walgreens after school today.

  “You’re totally blushing. You do!” Molly’s grin widens and she grabs my bag and rummages inside. She pulls out the little box. “Whoa, I was expecting cigarettes or an extra can of beer, but I won’t say anything if you have one for me too.”

  “Are you serious?” I snatch the box out of her hand. She reaches for the wine bottle and gives it a shake.

  “Geez, it is a pretty skimpy bottle. And yeah, I’m serious. I like Justin. He’s cute. And he’s fun. And we almost—promise you won’t say anything?”

  “What? Don’t tell me, you guys had sex in the woods?”

  “No. But we almost did. We were so close. But Justin didn’t have anything. I’m glad we waited.” Molly’s face is dead serious.

  I laugh. “You waited? Do you mean you’re glad you waited a couple hours, so your relationship could reach the next level? That’s hilarious.”

  “No, I mean waited because we didn’t have protection.” Molly whispers the word protection.

  “I don’t get it. Why would you go out with Todd for a year and not do it but then hang out with Justin Conner for a couple hours … yeah I guess he’s nice, but for your first time?”

  “Justin wouldn’t be my first. I didn’t sleep with Todd because, well …”

  “Spit it out Molls. If you expect me to give you one of these, I need to know that you’re of sound mind and you won’t regret it.”

  “It’s not going to make sense to you, but I’m okay with sex for fun, but when I care about someone, it becomes a bigger deal. I didn’t have sex with Todd because I loved him
and I wanted to wait until we’re married.”

  “Marrying Todd. That’s sad.” I hand her a condom like it’s a piece of gum. “There you go. Fornicate in peace.”

  “It’s not sad. It’s reality. As far as Justin goes, if you look at someone with lust in your heart, you’ve already committed that sin. Like, you’ve already done it, so I might as well, right? So, let’s have fun.” She leans over and flips my hair off my shoulder, then tucks the condom in her pocket. Molly’s smile is big and bright white. As late as it is, she still looks fresh off the page of Cosmo selling lip gloss.

  “Yeah, sorry. Let’s have fun.” I smile big, like my face could be on the page after Molly’s. Maybe selling tampons. I laugh and slide one of the condoms into my pocket too.

  “Woo hoo!” She raises her hand to give me a high five.

  “Woo hoo!” We miss, then take turns emptying the last few sips out of the wine bottle.

  ****

  “What took you so long up there—what’s going on upstairs?” Sean asks.

  “Lemme put it this way,” I say. “If you look up ‘TMI’ in the dictionary, you’re not gonna see a picture. You’ll hear a highly inappropriate sound bite. And that, my friend, is what’s going on upstairs.” I start laughing like crazy. Molly grips my shoulder before dropping to the floor in giggles.

  “And lemme tell you,” Molly adds. “It wasn’t pretty. Not that I saw anything because hey, maybe …” Molly tries to stop laughing, “Maybe, ha—maybe, they, maybe they were just exercising.”

  “Cross-fit or yoga is my guess,” Justin says, putting down the game controller.

  “Want to take a walk?” Sean asks me.

  “I could watch you guys play video games all night long but sure, I can walk.”

  Justin jumps up. “Holy shit! I just realized I have a six-pack of HotShotz in my car. Hell yes.”

  “Let’s go get it,” says Molly. She winks at me. “We’ll meet you guys back here later.”

  Sean and I step outside of the basement’s sliding glass doors. We tread up the small hill to where the dock and main level of the house is.

  “Looks like Kyle made Kallie pick up all traces of alcohol.” We survey the patio. All signs of the beer can and clear plastic cup debris from earlier have been erased. “Big change,” says Sean. Just a few hours ago and this place looked like a bomb went off.”

  “I know, right? I’m kind of glad Kyle came. It was getting …”

  “Bananas?” We exchange a smile, then he says, “I’m glad Kyle came and we got to hang out in that closet. And I’m glad we didn’t get caught, so we can hang out more. Ya know?”

  “Yeah.”

  We sit on the dock for a while, laughing about the party. How funny it was to see Brian outside of school, Molly too. I tell Sean I’m surprised; everyone’s pretty nice and fun. I’m about to joke how drinking might actually be a good thing for Molly when we hear her and Justin traipsing and laughing their way back from getting the alcohol. We turn around and Justin’s arm is wrapped around her shoulder. Molly stumbles over something—probably her own foot—and then she’s literally rolling down the hill. Like a hot dog in jeans and a pink sweater on a conveyor belt. I’m not going to lie: It’s one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time.

  “Is somebody gonna catch her? She’s rolling.” Sean laughs.

  “Like a hot dog.” I laugh.

  Justin does a running skid down the hill and the second he reaches her, she pukes.

  “I’m not on puke patrol tonight. Let’s go,” I whisper to Sean, grabbing his wrist. We run into the woods, laughing in whispers and squeezing each other’s hands. I lead him through the edge of the woods and onto a path.

  “Where are you taking me?” he asks.

  “The Point. It’s where the Vates’ land ends and Lake Crystal Woods meets Lake Belmont. It’s been me and Kal’s spot since we were twelve. It’s the place where all the magic happens,” I say. “You know, swimming, tanning, maybe doing stuff we don’t want Kallie’s parents to know about.” Smoking, practicing kissing, sharing her brother’s Red Bulls because Kallie’s mom wouldn’t let her have caffeine.

  “I didn’t bring swim trunks,” Sean says. “But it sounds like a plan.” We walk along the dirt path, branches and leaves extending from the trees. The smell of lake and mossy spring heat is so heavy it feels like summer. We reach the end of the path and head down the sandy hill that meets the lake. We kick off our shoes and peel our socks off, rolling our jeans to sit in the sand with our ankles and feet dipped in the water.

  I break the silence. “This is nice.”

  “I like that we can just sit here and not say anything,” Sean says.

  I want to tell him that I have a lot of things to say, but I’m scared. I tuck my foot under his, feeling the sand and water glide between my toes. All of this feels so good and almost perfect. How he had me give him a ride home from Java Joint instead of Jane. The way his eyes and voice warm up when he calls me Breeze or Breezy. How he wrote the haiku and Prom song, and showed me his old house and played the guitar. How I got soincrediblyclose to losing my virginity the night after the drive-in. Telling him about Maisey in the closet. Hearing about his dad. Sharing wine.

  We lace our fingers together and they sink into the sand.

  “I wonder if this is what falling in love feels like,” I finally say out loud.

  “I wouldn’t know,” Sean says. My heart does a quick dip into my gut.

  “Right, yeah.” I roll my pants up a little more as if it’s a very important task.

  “I wouldn’t know because falling sounds like it takes a while. But a real fall is so quick that it only lasts a few seconds. If it’s not that big of a jump, you don’t have time to feel it.” His fingers trace over the top of my hand, then locks his fingers back in mine.

  “You lost me at jump. What?”

  “What I’m saying is that I don’t think you’re the kind of person I could’ve spent a long time falling in love with. It was too easy. Just a short jump. Like one second I had a crush on you and the next second I was already in love with you, there was no time to fall.”

  “Oh, wow. That’s … thank you.”

  Sean leans in and says, “I love you, Bree. Bree Hughes.”

  “I love you.” I say it straight into his eyes and the words warm up my whole body.

  We lean in and our lips meet. We kiss, just kiss, for what feels like forever. My toes dig into the sand as my ankles graze and rub into his. The same kind of fire that I felt last weekend ignites. Like the first crackles of a bonfire, it’s a slow burn with hot ashes prickling my skin. It feels hot and then sometimes it flies away leaving its mark, the tingles burning into my pores. I want to do everything to make this feeling go away and everything to make him want me even more. The slightly cool air turns tepid. The sand beneath my back molds to my body. And then we’re hands all over, under and in, bodies moving, seams brushing, gripping, jeans unsnapping.

  “Do you want to?” I say on a heavy exhale.

  Sean looks down at me, leans to his side, and rests on his elbow and hip. “I do, but, um … I don’t have anything—a condom.” His breath is heavy, his eyes burn. “I have one in my wallet in the house. We can run back.”

  I finish pulling off my jeans and reach into my front pocket. Then, I hold up the little plastic square, feeling a pang of nervousness, embarrassment, and empowerment—somehow all at once.

  “Are you sure?” he says, closing his hand over mine.

  I close my eyes, inhaling the moon’s reflection on the lake. “Yes, I’m sure.”

  TWENTY-FIVE

  Breeeeeeakfast in ten minutes, courtesy of Molly!” Kallie pounds on the bedroom door. I hop up, rushing into the bathroom, leaving Sean rubbing his eyes. Sean and I. Me and Sean. My reflection stares back from the streak-free mirror of the Vates’ guest bathroom. So this is what non-virgins look like, huh? I feel a little different. Maybe vulnerable, awkward and for sure a little sore, but my face loo
ks the same. My mouth tastes terrible so I brush my teeth and do a double rinse with mouthwash. Just because he said “I love you” last night doesn’t mean I’m going to chill in bed with morning breath like they do in the movies. I rake my hair into a loose ponytail and wipe the mascara smear from under my right eye.

  “I’ll be downstairs.” I kiss Sean on the corner of his mouth, then back out of the door as he smiles and pulls the covers over his head.

  “We’ll be down in a minute,” yells Kallie as I head downstairs toward the sound and smell of sizzling bacon.

  “Good morning Sunshine!” Molly says with her pink glossy smile and a spatula. Not a trace of puke in her hair or the corners of her mouth.

  I smile back. “How is it that the last time you got sick, I’m the one who woke up looking and smelling like puke? Last night you drink, throw up, and all of a sudden you’re downstairs making breakfast looking like a hot Martha Stewart Barbie. It’s just wrong.”

  “You’re so funny. And please, look at you. You look great and you don’t even have to try. I had to take a shower, blow-dry my hair, and put on makeup. You waltz down here in your sweats and a ponytail looking like—like hot morning-after Barbie. Soooooo?” Molly turns off the burner, and leans over the breakfast bar at me. “Spill the beans. Did you or didn’t you?”

  “Oh please,” I say. “I’m boring. I want to hear about you. What happened with Justin?”

  Molly scans the empty kitchen, then leans in and whispers, “We didn’t. Can you believe that? We ended up talking too much. He thinks I’m still hung up on Todd. The more we talked, the more I realized that he’s actually the kind of guy I’d want to date. So, now I’m confused.”

  “Justin Conner. Who knew?”

  “I know, right? Do you think he likes me?”

  “Molly. Who wouldn’t?”

  “Okay, here’s an even bigger question? Do you think Jane would kill me if I asked her to switch Prom dates? I’d rather go with Justin.”

  “Oh, wow.”

  “I know.” Molly’s face crumples like paper. “She’s extra edgy lately. You never know with her.”

  “She’s tricky, that’s for sure. But what about Brian, he’d care, wouldn’t he?”