by Aimee McNeil
When her mother finally opened her eyes, Adalynne was sitting on the edge of the bed looking at a framed picture of her parents sitting on the night stand. “I remember when Dad and I went to the jewelry store to buy those earrings for you.” Adalynne chuckled when she pointed to the large, hideous earrings her mother wore in the photo. “He asked the saleswoman for the ugliest jewelry she had. I remember Dad and I laughed about what ones we were going to get you. It was surprising how many choices they had. I thought it was the greatest thing. It’s one of my favorite memories of him.” Adalynne touched her father’s image. “I asked him why he wanted something he knew you wouldn’t like and he said…”Adalynne wiped a tear that escaped down her cheek. “He said he knew you would hate them but if you still wore them then he would know you still loved him.”
“I think those are now my favorite earrings,” her mother whispered softly. Adalynne crawled back in bed with her mother and wrapped her arms around her, hugging her tightly.
“I miss him too, Mom, every day.” Adalynne held her mother while her body trembled. They stayed in bed and flipped through photo albums, struggling through tears and even sharing laughs as they voiced their memories. Adalynne had never felt this close to her mother. As much as she disliked seeing her mother in so much pain, it felt like they finally connected on a level that they had never achieved before now.
Adalynne shared the news that Matthew and she were officially dating. She knew it would make her mother feel better and Adalynne noticed the significant improvement in her mood immediately. “That’s wonderful news. He has so much potential, someone you could make a life with.” Her mother smiled weakly. “Your father liked him.” She sighed.
“Yeah, he did, didn’t he?” Adalynne remembered how her father spoke with Matthew in the hospital. They got along so well with their similar passion of law.
“I thought I lost you too.” Her mother leaned on Adalynne’s shoulder. “It seemed like when your father died, I lost you too.”
“I just needed to make some changes, deal with some things. I did feel a little lost but I never left you,” Adalynne apologized.
“I know the feeling.” Her mother smiled back. “Thank you for today. I needed this.”
“I love you, Mom.” Adalynne squeezed her hand.
“I love you too. Don’t stay away again, okay?”
“I won’t,” Adalynne promised.
***
The next afternoon on Adalynne’s way to the Music House she decided to make a stop. She drove up the street until Fox’s house came into view. She had spent the day with her mother yesterday and even did some baking with Carmen, making her favorite banana muffins. She wasn’t sure if what she had planned was a good idea but she wanted to check on Fox’s father. She knew Fox wasn’t around and she felt like she needed to stop by in case John needed something. She learned everyone deals with grief in their own way but sometimes they need the support of others to pull through. When she parked out front she noticed the detached garage had fire damage. The left side of its exterior was scorched.
With a basket of muffins in her hand, she walked up the front step and knocked on the door. She waited and knocked again when no one responded. The door swung open in front of her, causing her to jump in response.
“Damon’s not here,” he barked at her before closing the door again. Adalynne took a deep breath and tried to not let his behavior discourage her. She remembered the story Elizabeth had told her and the pain he suffered when he lost his wife. Adalynne knocked again.
After a moment the door swung open again. “What!”
“I wanted to stop by and say hello.” Adalynne tried to smile but was worried it seemed forced.
“Hi,” he replied bluntly. His scruffy appearance and shadowed eyes did not hide the handsome qualities he shared with his son. He was a product of his emotional state. He was consumed with sorrow and it shone through his cold gaze.
“I brought you some muffins.” Adalynne offered the basket, but he stepped back without receiving the gift.
“I don’t know where he is. He left, said he’s not coming back.” He stormed off, leaving Adalynne in the doorway. She stepped through, walked into the kitchen, and set the muffins on the counter. He showed no interest in entertaining her company, so she didn’t want to push him. She left without another word, closing the door behind her.
The next day, she once again knocked on John’s door. This time when he noticed her through the window he didn’t even bother to come to the door. Adalynne took a breath and opened the door without his consent. “I’m coming in,” she stated as she opened the door.
“You certainly are,” he fumed sarcastically. “I didn’t open the door ’cause I don’t want you here.” He sat on the sofa drinking his beer. She walked to the kitchen where the basket of muffins still sat untouched.
“I see you don’t like banana muffins. Good thing I brought something different today. Chocolate chip cookies, everyone likes those.” She grabbed the basket from the counter and left the container of cookies. “See you tomorrow, Mr. Knight.” She gently closed the door behind her and left.
For the rest of the week she maintained the same pattern of dropping food off to Fox’s father’s house only to return the next day to replace it with something else because he didn’t touch it. She figured eventually her persistence would pay off and eventually it did. Two weeks later she knocked on his door and was surprised when he opened it for her. She was used to letting herself in after he ignored her knocking. He then returned to his usual place on the sofa without a word but Adalynne was thrilled because even though it was small, it was still progress.
“I thought I would try a new approach because you refuse to tell me what food you like and I ran out of sweets to try. I made lasagna.” She held it up triumphantly. It was the first time she made it and she was proud of herself. She had been spending time at her mother’s now that their relationship had taken a new turn and Carmen had been giving them both cooking lessons. She looked forward to their get-togethers. Her mother even started making suggestions as to what they should make. She was not a natural in the kitchen and Carmen and Adalynne found it quite entertaining to watch her attempts.
The next day when Adalynne returned her dish was sitting on the counter, washed clean. She grabbed her dish and replaced it with her newest attempt. “I knew eventually I would find something you liked.” She smiled on her way toward the door.
“Those banana muffins you made smelled really good,” he mumbled as she passed.
“Then I will bring some tomorrow. Take care of yourself, Mr. Knight.”
“Why?” He looked at her like it was the strangest question he ever heard.
“Because Damon needs his father.”
With Adalynne’s busy schedule and Matthew finishing out his year of classes, their time together was very minimal, but Matthew had promised when he finished up for the year he would pay her back for his absence. Adalynne never complained. She knew how important his career was to him. The weekends he did manage to visit, he insisted on taking her out on proper dates. They tried different restaurants around town, never visiting the same place twice. She was enjoying her time with him and wondered what it would be like to spend every day with him and not just stolen days in between their busy lives. Although she did like Matthew’s company and the excitement of getting to know him, she enjoyed her time by herself. When he wasn’t with her she didn’t miss him like she thought she should. The distance between them was comfortable to her and thoughts of Fox were still what her mind lingered on when she went to bed at night, even when it was Matthew lying next to her.
Matthew agreed to take their relationship slow, no pressure in the beginning, and they focused solely on getting to know one another. She knew she was pushing her luck but he even agreed to her stipulation of waiting to have sex. She still needed time to get her head around the thought of giving herself to someone other than Fox. That night was one of the most amazing experien
ces of her life and she didn’t want to take away from it. She found herself desperate to hold onto that memory as long as she could.
When Matthew showed his affection it did not inspire need for him. She found herself consciously making an effort to enjoy their intimate moments together, always stopping things when he tried to push too far. Sometimes it angered him but he would quickly compose himself when she reminded him of what he agreed to. She always made sure to please him in other ways. They spent hours exploring their bodies, getting to know each other without taking that last step of intercourse. She enjoyed his fascination with her body but his touch did not ignite passionate heat. Her body did not succumb to the intoxicating bliss she remembered so vividly. It did not tremble with anticipation and make her want him inside her with a need so desperate that it made the entire world fade to nothing.
Eventually she agreed to give herself to him. It was nothing like her experience with Fox. Afterward she locked herself in the washroom and cried quietly. She did not find pleasure in Matthew’s arms. She did not love him.
Chapter Eighteen
Adalynne continued to make progress with Fox’s father. She continued her visits with him every day and his behavior toward her softened to the point where things were pleasant. He would talk to Adalynne about the game he was watching, something on the news, or even the weather. They always stuck to the safe subjects and Adalynne didn’t want to be the first to deviate from those comfortable exchanges. She never brought up Fox because she knew it was a sensitive subject considering he hadn’t seen his son in a long time. Adalynne saw letters on the kitchen counter that had Fox’s handwriting on them. She once snuck a peak to discover they were filled with cash, no letter or personal effect. They all were sitting on the counter untouched.
It was an early Sunday morning and spring was in full swing. The earth was thawing with the new warmth that radiated from the sun. Flowers were inspired to wake from their winter slumber and brighten the world. Adalynne had told Elizabeth she would be later coming into the Music House that day because she had something planned before.
Adalynne pulled up in front of Fox’s father’s house and opened her trunk. She wanted to restore the overgrown garden in front of the house. She couldn’t stand looking at the sad sight every time she visited. She grabbed her gardening supplies and gloves and made her way to the garden to begin pulling out the weeds that had long since taken over. The yard needed some attention. It had not been touched since the early spring growth and now was painfully neglected.
Adalynne was hard at work for about an hour and had managed to wrangle most of the larger weeds from the bed. She looked up when the door opened and Fox’s father stood on the step looking down at her.
“Good morning,” Adalynne offered sheepishly. She hadn’t told him of her plan to try to salvage the garden and wasn’t exactly sure how he would respond. She continued to work as he stood there for a moment watching her efforts. She wasn’t sure what he was thinking, his expression was hard to read. Unfortunately it was a trait that ran in the family.
“Do you think people can change?” he asked thoughtfully.
“That’s why I’m here.” Adalynne looked up at him. It was the first time she had seen his smile and she found herself smiling back. It was the biggest step toward progress she had made to date.
He walked down the front steps, taking a few steps toward the driveway before turning back toward Adalynne. “He loves you, you know.” Adalynne knew he referred to Fox as soon as he said the words.
“I wish it were true,” Adalynne said sadly, turning back to her gardening. He had no idea how much so. She had wanted to broach the topic of Fox but not about that. It would never be the love that she wanted from him.
“He does, believe me, but he just doesn’t think he’s good enough for you.”
“Why would he ever think that?” Adalynne sighed. She wiped her forehead with the back of her gloved hand and leaned back on her heels.
“Because I told him every day of his life he wasn’t.” He looked down and turned to walk away, leaving Adalynne alone with the garden. She didn’t know what to think of his words, though they placed a seed of doubt in her plan to move on without Fox in her life.
Adalynne broke into a chuckle when she heard the lawn mower roar to life. It felt like a huge victory. They worked simultaneously for what felt like hours until Adalynne stepped back from the garden, pleased with what she had accomplished. She sat on the front step brushing the dirt from her clothes as she watched Fox’s father finish up. He had even trimmed up the edges of the grass. The property now looked well-manicured, a huge improvement from when she had arrived this morning.
“Thirsty?” he asked Adalynne as he walked toward the front steps.
“Very,” she panted.
He returned a moment later with a cold bottle of water. She couldn’t help but frown when she noticed that he opted for a beer for himself but she didn’t comment. It wasn’t her place but her gesture did not go unnoticed.
“You need a couple of chairs or something on your front step. It’s such a nice place to sit and feel the sun on your face,” she commented, tilting her face up to meet the sun, leaning back on the step. “I’ll be back tomorrow. I want to put some flowers in the bed because most of them didn’t survive the invasion of the weeds.” Adalynne laughed. “Thank you for the drink.” She stood to leave.
“Thank you,” he said with deep meaning in his eyes. She knew he referred to more than the gardening. Like Fox, he was more expressive with his eyes when he wanted to be than he was with his words. She wished they were always so easy to read but those glimpses were few and far between.
“See you tomorrow, Mr. Knight.”
“Call me John.”
“Tomorrow then, John.” Adalynne waved.
The next morning when Adalynne returned with a trunk load of flowers she noticed two wooden chairs sitting on the front step. She climbed the stairs to view the chairs. They were beautiful, so smooth to touch. She sat down in one and leaned back and closed her eyes. The sun was warm this morning and it felt nice on her skin.
The door opened and she heard footsteps on the porch. “You like the chairs?”
“Yes, they’re beautiful.” Adalynne looked up at John, shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand. She couldn’t help but notice he had shaved his scruffy beard. “Much better.” She grinned, rubbing her own chin.
“Oh, yeah. About time, I guess.” John touched his face.
“Where did you get these? They are so comfortable,” Adalynne observed, taking in the detail of the chairs.
“I made them,” he stated softly.
“Well, they are fabulous.” Adalynne remembered Elizabeth mentioning that he used to make furniture. She had forgotten about that until now.
“You should sell these. Do you make anything else?” Adalynne was very curious about his skill.
“Yeah, I used to make anything that could be made with wood. It was nice to use my tools again. It’s been such a long time since I was inspired to make anything.” He said warily. “I missed it.” John sat down next to her in the other chair. “You’re right. This is a great place to sit.”
“It is.” Adalynne agreed.
“I went to an AA meeting last night.” John looked off thoughtfully into the distance.
“I’m proud of you. That takes courage.” Adalynne said. She was so touched that he was sharing this with her.
“Well, right now I feel like shit. Excuse my language.” John rubbed his hands on his face. “I would do anything for a drink right now.”
“Damon would be proud of you too,” Adalynne added sincerely.
“Someone wise told me I have to take care of myself because my son needs me. It’s about time I tried to get my shit together for him.”
Adalynne reached over and placed her hand on his arm. “If you need me for anything just let me know. I will do whatever I can.”
“You have already done so much. You have b
een kind to me when no one else cared, not even me.”
“I could tell you were a good man when I met you, just lost.” Adalynne leaned back in her chair. “We all get lost sometimes.”
“I was lost for a long time, Adalynne.” He pointed toward the shed, still damaged from the fire. “I got so tired of being angry. I tried to burn all the memories I couldn’t escape.”
“I don’t think we can ever escape memories. We just have to learn how to move on despite the ones that haunt us.” Adalynne took a deep breath against the emotions tightening her chest.
John looked at Adalynne considerately. “He changed after he met you.” John leaned back and ran his hands through his hair. “Always sneaking into those woods. I followed him one day to see what he was up to. I saw the two of you. It didn’t take me long to figure out who you were. After that I told him to stay away from you or I would give him a whipping. He still went to meet you every day and I would be waiting for him when he walked out of the woods. I beat the shit out of my boy so many times…” John teared up with his words. “The day after he would still go to meet you even though he knew what was waiting for him. I have done so many terrible things, Adalynne. So many unforgivable things.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Adalynne’s vision blurred with her own tears. “I wouldn’t have let him come if I knew.”
“Don’t be sorry. It was good someone loved him because I didn’t know how.”
Adalynne got up from her chair and hugged John. He was unmoving under her embrace at first and then slowly patted her back as he relaxed.
“I loved him with all my heart and I always will,” she confessed. Adalynne had finally met the man behind the wall he had built around him. The transition from what he was, until now, sitting beside her and speaking from the heart was remarkable.