Regret (Lady of Toryn Trilogy)

by Charity Santiago

  Ashlyn snatched up her book and stood, tears in her eyes. “I don’t have to listen to this,” she said unsteadily. “Drake doesn’t want to kill, any more than he wants to be a vampire. I know he asked the Spartans to hold onto the second resist stane. That’s only because he didn’t have anyone else to help him.”

  “And there’s a good reason for that! People steer clear of vampires, Ash. People who value their own lives. People who care about those who love them.” He glared at her, and his eyes were bright. Too bright. He was close to crying too.

  Frustrated, Ashlyn turned and braced one hand against a wooden beam in the wall, trying to keep a handle on her temper. “Don’t do this, Vargo,” she said quietly. “I care about you. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  He laughed hoarsely behind her, his voice thick with tears as he spoke. “That’s working out great, princess. Just great. Nice strategy. Make a guy fall in love with you and then tell him you’re ditching him for a monster. It’s phenomenal for the ego. I’m not even kidding. I feel awesome right now.”

  “Stop it,” she pleaded, turning back. “You’re my friend. I’m not ditching you for anybody.”

  “I don’t want to be your friend,” he snapped. “Any more than I’m sure Lockhart does. That guy-” Vargo shook his head, swallowing hard. “What did he do to deserve you?”

  She wasn’t sure how to respond. Vargo wasn’t looking at her. He was staring hard at the wall on the opposite side of the room like his life depended on it.

  “Vargo,” she said gently. “I-”

  “Don’t.” He still didn’t look at her. “Just leave.”

  “I’m not-”

  “I don’t want you here,” he seethed, and exasperated beyond reason, Ashlyn threw up her hands.

  “Fine,” she said. “Have it your way.” She almost yanked the door to his room off its tracks, not bothering to close it behind her as she nodded to an embarrassed surgeon who had clearly heard the entire thing through the thin walls of the lodge. Ashlyn stomped out the main door, carrying her shoes with her.

  She had barely taken two steps outside before she smacked into Drake’s chest.

  “Damn it! Ow,” she muttered, rubbing her nose. “What the hell, Drake? Can’t you use your super senses to move out of the way or something when I’m being klutzy?” She sniffled and bent to pick up her dropped book. Drake offered her a handkerchief- red, of course- and she accepted it gratefully. “Thank you. I just don’t get it. Why do you always have to show up just in time to see me at my worst?”

  He didn’t say anything, and after a moment, she glanced up at him. His eyes were shadowed, his lips pressed into a thin line. Ashlyn recognized that look.

  “Oh, no. What? What’s wrong?” She put a hand on his arm, and slowly, Drake turned his head to look at her hand, then turned back to meet her eyes.

  “I was listening,” he said, his voice morose and deadened, in a way that Ashlyn was very familiar with.

  Completely unbidden, a single giggle rose up and forced its way out from her throat, then another, until Ashlyn clapped her hand over her mouth, horrified by her completely inappropriate reaction. She held up one finger to Drake as she turned away, trying to quell her hysterics.

  “I’m sorry,” she finally managed to gasp out. “You’re just so…so serious…and I think…I’m sorry…I just can’t be serious anymore.” She laughed again, remembering that just a few weeks ago she’d been as light-hearted and fun-loving as ever, and nothing had changed, nothing should change, even with the addition of all these new responsibilities and developments. Except that being hysterical over Drake’s angst was a far cry from being light-hearted.

  She smiled wanly at Drake as she turned back to him a moment later. “Whatever you’ve got to say, Lockhart, it ain’t gonna ruin my mood.”

  He fixed her with a red-eyed stare, and she stared back at him half-earnestly, doing her best not to crack a grin. Maybe she’d finally lost her mind. Maybe this was the last day that history would document Ashlyn Li as being of sound mind and body.

  “Vargo is right, Ashlyn.”

  Oh, great. He was not doing this now. No man in his right mind would do this now.

  “No man in his right mind would do this right now,” Ashlyn repeated aloud. It sounded better in her head, somehow.

  “I am a monster,” Drake said, completely stone-faced.

  “Is that your excuse? You’re a monster so you don’t have to have manners?”

  “Ashlyn.” He was still trying to be serious, but in some ridiculous twist of fate, any hint of seriousness inside Ashlyn had flown out the window, and all that was left were several hysterical giggles and flippant denial. Here she was, standing barefoot outside the healing lodge, in love with a vampire, rejecting advances from a Spartan, and Drake was trying to turn it into some kind of on-stage melodrama, as if reality wasn’t dramatic enough.

  “An hour ago you gave me the second resist stane!” she said, completely dumbfounded as to this new development. “How can you change your mind in an hour? I haven’t even seen you since you gave it to me.”

  “You can keep the stane,” he said, and stopped, looking unsure of how to continue. “I just want you to be happy, Ashlyn. I can’t promise you happiness, not with what I am.”

  “Where in any book, anywhere does it say that vampires aren’t allowed to be happy?” she demanded, poking a finger into Drake’s chest with every word for emphasis. “You are not allowed to be miserable any more. I forbid it. And I’m going to be Lady of Toryn, so people pretty much have to listen to me. It’s a law…or something.”

  “Ashlyn, would you please stop acting like a child?” he snapped, grabbing her hand and shoving it away.

  That gave her pause. He’d never called her childish before. Ashlyn fell silent, and looked up at him, dread creeping into her heart.

  “You deserve to be with a man,” he said, all darkness and gloom and liquid red eyes.

  I could happily murder him right now with my bare hands for being such an unforgivable ass, she thought as he continued.

  “A man who can rule beside you, who can grow old with you. Vargo is right. I am a monster. I certainly shouldn’t be putting your life in danger as I have, risking your safety for the sake of my own desires.”

  Ashlyn gathered her dignity around her like a cloak, trying to summon her self-respect and anger and whatever authority she could muster as his words ripped into her like bullets. “You should consider your words very carefully right now. Nothing you’re saying is news to me. I chose to be with you despite whatever dangers you think there are. And I know you haven’t forgotten that I’ve experienced some of those dangers firsthand, and emerged pretty much unscathed.”

  He flinched visibly at her last sentence, no doubt remembering the attack by the waterfall. “I’m sorry. But…” He paused for what was possibly the longest pause ever since the beginning of time, probably allowing himself time to come up with the most hurtful words he could manage, and said, “I am…ending this.”

  Ashlyn’s eyes narrowed as she gazed up at him, fury unfurling in the pit of her stomach. “You’re ending this,” she repeated. “You’re ending what, exactly? The way I feel about you? The chemistry between us? Somehow I don’t think that’s gonna just disappear because you said so.”

  Conflicting emotions warred in his expression. “I’m aware of that.”

  She waited for him to continue, but when he didn’t, she shook her head. “So I guess that means you’re just going to walk away after all this is over, then? Pretend I don’t exist until FLD has to come together to save the world again however many years down the line? We’re this way for a reason, Drake. For crying out loud, you were the one who told me no one can run from destiny! I should know. I spent the last three years convincing myself I didn’t care about you, and that all flew out the window the minute I looked into your eyes.”

  Her eyes were stinging with the promise of tears, but at this point she didn’t care how pitiful she l
ooked. “Vargo loves me, and he’s not afraid to fight for me. He has been completely honest about his feelings from the beginning. He wants to give me safety and stability and- and love. He’s offering me all of that. But the thing is, I know…I just know I’ll never feel safe or loved, unless I’m with you.”

  Drake’s eyes glittered, but still he said nothing, and after a long moment, Ashlyn dropped her gaze to the handkerchief she was still holding. “The worst part,” she said softly, “is that I know you love me. I know you could be happy with me if you would just…let go. But nobody can make you start living again. No one can force happiness on you, Drake. You have to make that decision yourself.”

  The short pause that followed her words was the longest of her life, while Ashlyn struggled against the urge to keep going, to try to convince him using words and logic. There was nothing logical about love. If that were the case, then she certainly wouldn’t have fallen for a masochistic and boneheaded vampire with a penchant for drama.

  She stared down at the handkerchief in her hand, deciding impulsively not to give it back.

  Finally she looked up at Drake, and their eyes locked one last time.

  “I’m not going to beg you to love me,” she said, and brushed past him, scooping to pick up her shoes as she fled.

  Despite the stinging in her eyes, she didn’t cry. There was something inside her that refused to be broken, something reminding her that she wasn’t a child and she didn’t need Drake any more than he needed her. What she’d told him was a true reflection of her heart. She would walk away from this without regret.

  A sudden wind whipped at her ponytail, the sound of humming engines reaching her ears, and Ashlyn looked up, hoping against hope that Aaron had returned at exactly the right moment.

  He had.

  “Oh, I love you so much right now, you ancient crotchety old pilot!” she exclaimed, breaking into a run. North Camp wasn’t more than a quarter day’s flight, but for Aaron to be coming back this soon, he must have left immediately after getting her dad settled and flown through the night to get back to Toryn.

  She took a shortcut between two lines of houses, dashing between the raised porches of the homes and slipping a bit in the mud she found there. The airship roared above her head, the noise a welcoming respite from the self-pity that was threatening to consume Ashlyn’s thoughts at the moment. She rounded the corner and nearly collided with Aik, who was exiting the stairwell of one of the houses.

  “Oh geez! Sorry, Aik, you okay?” She jogged in place, mud squishing between her bare toes. She was too relieved for a distraction to stop completely.

  He ignored her question and looked up at the airship. “Is he here to take you back to North Camp?”

  “Gods, I hope so. I can’t wait to get out of here and see my dad. Are you coming with us? Actually,” she slowed her jogging, thinking it over, “actually, it might be helpful if you did come with us, and stayed with my dad when I have to leave for the coronation ceremony. I hate the thought of leaving him alone for very long. I know Sara’s with him, but…”

  “She’s a scientist, not a warrior,” Aik said dryly. “I’d be happy to accompany you, Ashlyn.”

  “Oh good. Well- hurry, because if I had it my way Aaron wouldn’t even touch down before we turn around and head back to North Camp.” Ashlyn whirled and started running again.

  The airship was just landing when she reached the town square, and she danced impatiently around the clearing, wanting nothing more than to jump into the ship and order an immediate take-off. The engines cut off first, and then the ramp began to descend slowly- way too slowly- as Ashlyn dashed up to it and waited impatiently for Aaron to exit.

  “Hi!” she said excitedly when the pilot finally appeared at the top of the ramp. “How’s my father? Is he okay? Can we go back now? Do you need to recharge the airship or anything?”

  “Calm down, kid,” Aaron said, holding up his hands as his heavy boots clanged on the ramp. “What’s goin’ on? Last I saw there was a big battle brewin’.”

  “Oh.” Dang, she’d totally forgotten that when Aaron had left yesterday, Kou’s army was about to attack. She supposed she did owe him an explanation. “Everything’s fine. Everyone’s fine- well, Vargo was hurt but he’ll make it, thank Drago. Kou and Tag got away, along with a few of their soldiers. For the most part…they’re all dead.” She frowned. It didn’t sound so great when she said it out loud. If there had been any way to save those ninjas, or if they had surrendered rather than fighting to the death, she certainly would have welcomed them back into Toryn with open arms, but it hadn’t happened that way.

  Aaron looked vaguely impressed, and took his unlit cigarette from his mouth. “So why ya so desperate to get goin’?” he asked, sticking the cigarette behind his ear.

  “I don’t want my dad to be alone,” Ashlyn said. It was the truth, but not the whole truth. “I just talked to Restlyn and she’s handling everything for now. I’d like to stay with my dad at least until my coronation- and hopefully by that point he’ll be well enough to come back anyway. How is he? Is he doing okay?”

  “Better than Sara expected,” the blond pilot replied. “Even woke up on the way to North Camp. Askin’ after you somethin’ fierce though.”

  “When can I go to him?” At the moment, the simplicity of seeing her dad again, holding his hand and seeing him smile, was so overwhelmingly necessary that Ashlyn felt like she might just jump in the ocean and swim to North Camp.

  Aaron sighed. “Kid, if you’re really that desperate, just let me touch base with Skye, and then we’ll go.”

  “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!” Ashlyn stood on tiptoe to plant a kiss on his stubbly cheek. “Let me just get my stuff, okay? I’ll be right back.”

  Aaron turned to head back up the ramp, no doubt going to tell his crew that they weren’t done flying just yet, and Ashlyn took off for her house. “Oh! Aik!” she said, skidding to a halt as she passed the wolf. “We’re leaving in a few minutes! Do you need me to carry anything for you?”

  “No, thanks,” he answered. “I’ll meet you inside.”

  Ashlyn sprinted to her house and wiped off her feet at the door, shoving her sneakers back on before she entered. She took the stairs to the basement two at a time. The strong smell of ammonia hit her when she reached the bottom, and she paused for a moment to look at the corner where Vargo had been attacked. The women of Toryn, so grateful to help out their future Lady, were nothing if not thorough. Her floor looked cleaner than it ever had, with no trace of the carnage from the night before.

  She shuddered, and whispered another brief prayer of thanks to Drago for the otherworldly calm and determination that had steadied her hands as she had struggled to keep Vargo alive with heal. She was perfectly capable of healing minor wounds, but had never attempted anything more than cuts, scrapes and bruises, or at worst a few gashes. A shredded stomach was something else entirely, and she’d never been so scared as she was when she kneeled in a pool of Vargo’s blood, clutching his hand and hoping against hope that her heal magic would save his life.

  Ashlyn went to the cabinet in the corner and keyed in the long combination to unlock it, grateful that Kou hadn’t accessed her weapons during his stay in her home. She grabbed a knapsack and loaded it with several small throwing knives, along with one large hira shuriken that she’d never much liked for its lack of balance. Her sword was already strapped to her back, and she planned on using that as her primary weapon.

  She put the book in the knapsack as well, reminding herself that she would read it on the ship once they were on their way.

  As an afterthought, she went upstairs to her dresser and shoved a handful of clothing into the knapsack too. After this war was over, she would definitely start paying more attention to her wardrobe. And I’ll definitely be getting a haircut, she thought as she tucked an errant lock of hair behind her ear. Skye’s chop job wasn’t doing her appearance any favors right now.

  When she went outside, she
saw Aaron and Skye at the bottom of the ramp, deep in conversation.

  “…Move him to Cosmea,” Skye was saying as she walked up. “He should be stable enough within a day or two.”

  “Poor kid,” Aaron said. “Takes some guts, attackin’ a bear unarmed. Glad he’s gonna be okay.”

  “It’ll be a long recovery,” Skye replied. “Drake did as much as he could, but there were some injuries that were just too precise to attempt. He’ll need time, and a real healer to keep an eye on him.” He nodded to Ashlyn as she drew closer. “Are you ready to go? Aaron tells me you’re pretty anxious to see your father.”

  “Yeah,” she said. “I hope you don’t mind me bailing on you like this.”

  “Why would I mind? Restlyn’s got everything under control. Besides, you’re leaving in broad daylight and you already told me where you’re going,” Skye said, and she smiled guiltily.

  “Later, boss,” Aaron said, saluting Skye as he turned to follow Ashlyn up the ramp.

  “Be safe,” Skye called after them.

  Ashlyn stood beside Aaron as he pushed the button to fold in the ramp. “Hey, Aaron?” she said, staring out at the city below them.

  “Yeah?” The pilot closed the hatch, sliding the bolt into place.

  “You think we could swing by Rode when we come back from North Camp?”

  “It ain’t exactly on the way.”

  “I know, but…well, when I came to Toryn in the boat with Kou, I had to leave my horse. I trained her to go back to Rode if we ever got separated. I’d…like to see if she’s there.”

  Aaron scoffed as he straightened up, dusting his hands off on his pants. “No promises, kid. We’ll see.”

  “Thanks.”

  He left for the bridge, and Ashlyn headed for the bunkrooms, knowing that Aik would have gone to his usual sleeping place there.

  “Hey,” she said to the wolf, who was curled up on his mattress, looking for all the world like a domesticated dog. (She would never tell him that.)

  “No air sickness?” he said mildly, and Ashlyn stumbled into the wall as the ship lifted off the ground, her stomach plummeting in response to the ascent.