The Mermaid & The Crocodile (The Kill List Series Book One)

by Edee M. Fallon

  We sat in surprisingly companionable silence for a few hours, me reading while Eddie surreptitiously watched me beneath the cover of his sunglasses.

  “You know, I don’t know much about you,” Eddie said out of nowhere. He removed his glasses as he awaited my reply.

  “There isn’t much to tell,” I said. It might not have been the truth, but there was certainly nothing I could share with him that wouldn’t reveal my true identity. He continued to stare at me as he waited for an answer that he could live with. “How about I don’t really like to talk about it,” I said, causing him to give me a reproachful look in return. “Don’t get hypocritical on me now.”

  “I’m not trying to piss you off, Roberta.”

  “I know. Sorry. It’s just …” What to say? What to say?

  “Is it that bad?” he asked.

  “I don’t know.” Lie. “I really don’t know what I could compare it to.” Truth.

  He nodded his head in understanding before turning to stare off into the horizon. I was losing him, but had no idea how to reel him back in. We were both dancing with deceit and I had two left feet, constantly tripping over what to and what not to say. I was failing at keeping in character, slowly turning my part into my reality. I didn’t know how to stop it. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could fight it, or if I even wanted to.

  On a sigh I asked, “What do you want to know?” I’d answer as best as I could and lie just as well if need be.

  “Something. Anything. Everything,” he answered as he turned his gaze back to mine.

  “Everything? I don’t think there are enough days in a year for that.”

  “How about a lifetime?” he asked with complete sincerity.

  I wasn’t sure whose lifetime he was referring to. If everything went as planned, his wasn’t going to last much longer. My stomach tensed as the guilt I suddenly felt found its way to my gut. I still couldn’t understand why my father had included Eddie on the kill list and I had spent a lot of time thinking about it. The more I got to know him, the more unreasonable I thought my father’s choice was. Doubt and desire battled in my brain as I tried to come up with a reply to his last question.

  “It’s not something I like to think about and no one’s really cared to ask before.” Not a lie, but not completely true.

  “See, this is what I mean. I don’t understand why you’ve isolated yourself.”

  “Who said I have?” I asked, slightly annoyed. He rolled his eyes at me like I’d just argued against the obvious. In a way, I guess I had. “It’s not like I’m really worth knowing. I’m nothing special,” I whispered as I blinked my eyes hard. What I said was completely true, but that did not make it easy to admit.

  “I disagree. I think you’re very special. Fascinating, even.”

  I rolled my eyes at him this time to signify the ridiculousness of his words. Eddie snatched my chin and turned my face toward him.

  “I meant that. One thing you should know about me is I never say anything I don’t mean. Let me in, Roberta. You don’t have to hide anymore, at least not from me. You don’t have to be alone.”

  “I wish it were that easy,” I replied as I turned away again.

  “It can be if you let it.”

  “I don’t know how,” I whispered.

  “We could try. Together. To be honest, I’ve never been good at it, either. But, there’s just something about you that makes me … want to. I’ve lived a very sheltered life,” he said, placing the heels of his palm’s to his temples, shaking his head before turning to me, a lopsided smile peeking through his V of shoulder and wrist. “My father is … intense. There isn’t much I’ve been allowed to decide on my own. But, you make me want to change that. You make me want to—”

  “Eddie, it’s only been a couple of days. How can you—”

  “I know what I’m feeling, Roberta, and you trying to convince me otherwise is futile. As is your resistance.”

  “It’s not resistance,” I said more to myself than him, discovering that I actually meant that, too. Eddie was irresistible in every way a man should be and my defenses were crumbling faster than I could build them up again. Every kind word, every soft caress, every kiss, every tender moment was wearing down my resolve. Some lingering hope inside me kept repeating that I could find a way to complete my mission and keep Eddie in my life, but unfortunately I couldn’t figure out how to make that happen.

  “Then what is it?” he implored.

  “Reluctance, maybe,” I said as I turned back to him, also not a lie. The sun was shining from behind him and I lifted my hand to shield the glare. It was making it hard to read the expression on his face. It was odd that after such a long stretch of silence between us that we ended up in such a deep conversation. If I could think of something to say, I’d try and steer our conversation into safer territory, but of course I stumbled over my emotions yet again.

  “There’s no need for that,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m not going anywhere. The first night we met I told you I’d never hurt you and I’d never let anyone else hurt you, either.”

  His words were bittersweet considering the reality he didn’t know we were living.

  “That was probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me,” I told him as my vision blurred again. Not even my father had ever promised me that kind of security.

  “You deserve nothing less, Roberta. Why you would ever think otherwise is beyond me. If you don’t want to talk about your life before me, that’s fine. I won’t push the subject anymore. I just hope you’ll share your life with me from here on out.”

  “You make it sound like you’re talking about forever,” I said flippantly as I surreptitiously wiped moisture from my eyes.

  “A man can dream, Roberta.”

  “It would seem you’ve inherited your father’s intensity,” I joked, trying to bring some levity to our conversation.

  “I suppose I did. Look, I know you’re … inexperienced and even if you weren’t you’d still probably say that this is moving ahead rather quickly. I don’t know why, but I feel as if you’re about to run and I don’t want to lose you. You’re the first thing I’ve ever had in my life that is purely good and untainted by my past.”

  If only he knew just how wrong he was, but he couldn’t. In that moment, I realized that Eddie and I weren’t that different. “I don’t know if I can promise you forever. How about one day at a time?”

  “I can live with that. For now.”

  “You’re persistent.”

  “You have no idea,” he said as he snatched the book out of my hands and tossed it aside. Eddie scooted up beside me as my mouth opened in shock. I wasn’t sure what had gotten into him.

  “God, I want to touch you everywhere,” he whispered as he pushed me down and rolled all of his weight on top of me so every hard inch of him was pressed into me. “I promise I’ll be so good to you, baby. I’ll make you feel so damn good. Just let me take care of you.”

  Every thought in my head disappeared as I focused only on the way he was making me feel. I’d never truly tasted desire until that kiss. Even the distant echo of my father’s words couldn’t have pulled me out of that moment. Eddie had promised that we would go slow and this was light years ahead of any destination I’d ever thought we’d reach. As he buried his face in my neck and licked his way to my ear, I released a contented sigh and basked in the sensations as every nerve came alive. I never imagined that a touch there could resonate throughout my entire being. I knew it was wrong, but I could not have cared less.

  The sound of disapproval came over Eddie’s shoulder as a shadow passed over us. We’d gotten carried away and forgotten we were in public. Eddie smiled down at me before placing a gentle kiss on my lips and rolling off of me. I was breathless from excitement, but torn all at once since I knew what I was feeling went against everything I’d ever been taught to feel towards him.

  “You ready to go?” he asked, still smiling.

  “Sure,” I answe
red, still trying to catch my breath.

  We packed up our things and headed towards my house. After the moment we shared on the beach, I knew I had to send Eddie away for the night. If he came inside and tried something else like that, I couldn’t be sure I would find the strength to refuse him—a chance I was not ready to take.

  That night, as the warm water rained down on me in the shower, I imagined it was Eddie’s fingers tracing their way over my naked skin. I kept trying to convince myself of how wrong it was to think of him that way, but the taboo nature of my thoughts only increased my need for what my body was craving. Sliding my hand down my belly, I touched myself, wishing that it was Eddie’s hand instead. Midway through my fantasy, I brought myself back to reality. This couldn’t happen. I would not allow it. I was unable to keep up this façade knowing it had ceased to be fake. Shaking my head to free my mind of the thoughts I had of Eddie, I tried to convince myself of all the reasons I couldn’t fall for him, but I realized too late that I already had.

  There was only one option left. I’d have to leave Eddie and find another way in, one that left him untouched physically, untouched emotionally was out of my control. Knowing that I would leave him alone in the world was better than knowing he didn’t exist in the world at all. I’d never be able to have him for myself, but at least he would have a fighting chance to find a new life for himself; a chance I might never have. Next time I saw him, I’d end it. It was the only way I could live with myself once I’d completed my mission.

  Eddie showed up unannounced the next morning. I had anticipated it and made extra coffee for that reason.

  “Do you have any Café Bustelo? I hate American coffee. This is disgusting,” he said with a smile as he sat at the bar drinking what I’d made.

  “Don’t drink it if you don’t like it,” I replied pithily. I had to be cold towards him. He needed to be the one who wanted to leave. It was the only way that this would work.

  “Did I piss you off? I was just kidding. Sort of. Come. Let me take you for a café con leché. You’ll love it.”

  “Maybe another time,” I answered without looking up from the newspaper he brought with him.

  “What’s up with you? Are you upset about yesterday?”

  Hmm ... His advance after my plea to go slow would be a good enough reason to be angry, even though I was the opposite of angry while it had been happening. It was the in that I needed to get this fight started, so I rolled with it. It was for his own good, I reminded myself. But why then was it kind of breaking my heart?

  “Maybe. I thought we’d already discussed what was expected. You throwing yourself on me wasn’t part of the conversation. It’s just—”

  “You liked it,” he interrupted, but realized his mistake as my face reddened with anger. “Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I only meant—”

  “Maybe you should go,” I said coolly as I stood up from the table.

  “Don’t push me away, Roberta. You don’t have to do this. It doesn’t have to be like this. I’m sorry,” he said with so much remorse that I wanted to engulf him in my embrace to assure him I wasn’t upset, but I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.

  “I think you should leave,” I told him, faking disdain with every ounce of will I could muster.

  “Fine, if that’s what you want. I’ll come back later when you’ve cooled off,” he said as he stood up to go.

  “It’s probably best if you don’t come back at all.”

  “What? Are you serious? Are you breaking up with me?” he asked incredulously.

  “No, I’m not. Because in order to break up we’d have to be together and we’re not!” I yelled, exerting my anger towards myself outward in hopes that it would wound him as much as it did me. His hurt was palpable. It had been less than a full week since we’d met and he was acting as if I’d just broken his heart. I’d think it was amusing if my own chest didn’t feel as if it was caving in. I knew then that what I was doing was for the best for him. Once I’d convinced myself of that, there was no going back. “Get the fuck out of my house.”

  He stared at me from across the kitchen. I watched as a myriad of emotions passed across his face. The final one, resignation, almost had me begging him for forgiveness. He’d wormed his way into my heart in such a short amount of time; I’d chalked it up to my own inexperience. Looks likes I wasn’t the only one who fell faster and deeper than anyone would believe to be possible. Eddie dropped his eyes from mine, grabbed his keys and walked out the door without slamming it, always the fucking gentleman.

  The guilt assaulted me as soon as I heard him peel away from my house. I would no longer be on the receiving end of Eddie’s surprise visits and secret smiles. Not knowing what else to do, I called Jenks. I needed something familiar to ground me.

  “Roberta, is everything okay?” he asked.

  “Yes. No. Goddamn it, I have no fucking idea,” I groaned into the phone as I plopped down on my couch.

  “Talk to me.”

  “It’s Eddie.”

  “What happened?” he asked, trepidation clear in his voice.

  “I’ve made a terrible mistake,” I said as I wiped my eyes with my sleeve, thankful there was no witness to my tears.

  “Shit. What did you do? I told you he wasn’t your guy,” he said, now sounding anxious.

  “No dipshit, it’s not what you think.” I hiccupped.

  There was a long pause before Jenks said, “You fell for him, didn’t you?”

  How’d he know? “How do you know?”

  “You think I haven’t been paying attention?”

  “You’re still following me?” I asked, a little exasperated. I thought we were done playing hide and seek after the revelation the night of mine and Eddie’s first meeting.

  “No. We’re following him.”

  “Why?”

  “To try and stop the inevitable.”

  “Why would you do that?” I asked, fighting back more tears and losing.

  “For his sake … And yours.”

  “For me?” I cleared my throat to hide a sniffle. “Why?”

  “Because this last week, I’ve seen you smile more than I ever have in your entire life.”

  “How’d that go over with your bosses as an excuse for tailing Eddie?” I asked jokingly, but I found no humor in the situation.

  “You’re not the only one who’s good at lying, Berty … Have you told him?”

  “No. Why would I do something that stupid?” Not that I was above doing anything stupid. The last week of my life was proof enough to anyone who’d been watching, like Jenks or his lackeys.

  “Because he deserves to know.”

  “Spare me the Dr. Phil bullshit, Jenks. It could never work out and you know it.”

  “Leave,” he said so assuredly.

  “You know I can’t. Not until it’s done.” My tears dried up as my anger grew. That was fine with me. The latter I could handle.

  “Take him with you,” he said, as if we could ride off into the sunset and never look back. This was no fucking fairytale. This wasn’t even a fable with a poignant moral lesson at the end. This was a goddamn nightmare.

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Well if your surveillance was watching, they’d have told you that he’s already gone. I made him leave … for good.”

  “Then stay and make it work. We’ve already discussed this. Eddie isn’t your guy and Tony didn’t kill your parents.”

  “You know as well as I do that he’s just as guilty. I couldn’t ask Eddie to leave with me. He’d want to know why and if I tell him the truth then he will either leave me or kill me. It’s better this way,” I said in my smallest voice.

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking,” he replied sarcastically. I wanted to punch him in the face. “For what it’s worth, I really am sorry, Berty. I never expected it to work out this way for you. Who’d have thought you’d end up sleeping with the enemy?”

/>   “Watch your fucking mouth. I have not slept with him, asshole.”

  “There’s my firecracker,” he said before releasing a sigh. “Just hold on to yourself, Little Bird. You’ll be alright. Maybe you should take my advice for once in your life and take some time to think about your next move. Jumping in with both feet hasn’t really been working out for you.”

  “You’re right.”

  “I like the sound of that. Say it again.”

  “Fuck you, asshole.”

  “That’s my girl. Take care of yourself, Berty. Call me if you need me, okay?”

  “Bye,” I said before I hung up.

  I waited three days before I started following Eddie. In my head I knew that it was batshit crazy, but I couldn’t help myself. I half expected him to call or at least text, but after the way I’d treated him, I knew I didn’t deserve it. Even though I also knew that it was for the best, it hadn’t made the past three days any more bearable.

  After donning a blonde wig and switching up my outfit, I headed out for a night at the casino with the hopes of spotting Eddie. He showed up an hour after I arrived, and he wasn’t alone. My heart broke a little bit more at the sight of him with a girl on each arm. I don’t know what else I’d expected out of him. I was the one who had broken up with him, after all. He owed me no loyalty. So why did I feel so betrayed?

  It was ridiculous to hate the girls he was with considering they had no clue that I was watching, but it did not stop me from calling them every terrible name I could come up with in my head. Once my inner monologue—that would have put any sailor to shame—ended, I realized how out of control I’d let myself become. I stood up from my place at the bar and walked out, dumping my wig in the garbage on the way. A few people stared at me as if I was insane, and they would be right. At least, I had been acting insane, but no more. I promised myself I would no longer be that girl. I’d lost focus with Eddie and I couldn’t—no, I wouldn’t—allow that to happen a second time.