The Mermaid & The Crocodile (The Kill List Series Book One)

by Edee M. Fallon

  As I made my way towards my car that I’d hidden at the back of the lot, I heard someone approaching from behind. It could have been Eddie, but I was certain he hadn’t recognized me.

  “Why are you following me, Jenks?” I asked, making an educated guess.

  “I thought you were going to leave him alone,” he answered from the shadows.

  I didn’t even bother turning around to face him, knowing that if I did I’d lose my composure and break down right there. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore,” I said, once again fighting back the tears that were threatening to escape.

  “You going to be alright, Little Bird?”

  “I’ll be fine,” I said with a false confidence I’d mustered for someone’s benefit, unsure it if was for his or my own. With that, I walked to my car, got in and drove home.

  The next day, I decided to do something I’d been putting off since my return to Ft. Lauderdale. Once I was showered and ready, I found the key that my father had left me in the letter from Hugo and headed towards Biscayne Bay. I wasn’t sure what I was going to find in the storage unit, but I hoped it would provide me with a few more answers, or at least some of my possessions I prayed weren’t lost in the fire.

  The unit was tucked away towards the back of the lot, out of the eye of the public. Dad was always thinking ahead like that. At times like this, I wish I would have paid better attention to those kinds of skills that couldn’t really be taught, but could be learned if you were smart enough to listen with more than your ears. Fuck ... I missed him, but now was not the time or the place for such thoughts.

  The smell of my former home permeated the air inside the unit, blocking out the musty scent emanating from the cardboard boxes. The unit was climate controlled, so at least I knew I wouldn’t sweat to death inside. The summer was quickly approaching and the days were growing longer and hotter. I’d have to remind myself to wear extra sunblock to the beach.

  The boxes weren’t labeled, so I grabbed the first one I reached and opened it, immediately regretting my decision. Inside I found remnants of a past life, one that hardly seemed to belong to me since it was so distant from the reality I was currently living. I closed my eyes and prayed for strength as I lifted a paper target with a bullet hole dead center. I set it aside carefully and began to rummage through the rest of the contents. Old report cards and childhood drawings filled the space within. I assumed my father had thrown them away after I’d placed them on display with an alphabet magnet on the refrigerator. It seemed as though he could surprise me even in death. I grew tired of looking at that box and decided to try another.

  The next one was even worse. A picture of me leaning over the side of a boat, smiling proudly at the camera as I touched the side of a sailfish was sitting on top. I closed my eyes again, inhaled deeply and resealed the box. This was a really fucking bad idea. I hoped I would come here and maybe feel a little better about the shitty way my life had turned out. It looked like I could still drop a few more levels into hell and probably still had further to go if I wanted to stick around and dissect my former life. Since I was already feeling fucked in the head because of the situation with Eddie, I turned my back on my old life for now and closed the metal door behind me. I’d have to save this chore for another day … or maybe never.

  Not wanting to go home and having nowhere else to be, I decided I’d drive through South Beach and people watch for a little while. It was a nice little fuck you to myself for my erratic and contemptuous behavior of late. I parked my car on the street and started walking towards an ice cream shop I’d spotted along the way. As I passed by an outdoor café, my heart stopped. Eddie was there, but he hadn’t noticed me. I couldn’t move from my spot even though I knew I should have run the other way.

  He was alone, speaking on his phone, completely oblivious to the crazy girl who stood only twenty feet away from him with her heart in her eyes and her stomach in her throat. Once he felt the weight of my stare, he looked up. He quickly ended the conversation he’d been having and joined me in a staring contest. He lost, as he turned away first.

  When I finally started thinking again, I backed away and quickly headed towards my car. I wasn’t fast enough, though. Eddie caught up to me and swung me around to face him. We stared at each other silently, neither of us knowing what to make of this accidental meeting.

  “What are you doing here, Roberta?” he asked with anger in his voice.

  “I was just stopping for ice cream,” I said almost breathlessly as I tried to point towards my original destination with the arm that he gripped so tightly it hurt. “I’m sorry, Eddie. I—”

  “I think it’s a little late for an apology,” he replied harshly.

  My heart left my eyes since it had now deflated and was lying somewhere near my feet on the ground. If I could take my eyes off of Eddie, I’d find it and stomp on it so I’d never be bothered by it again. I’d lost him. I hadn’t even realized I was looking for him until I found him and I’d ruined everything. For the first time in my life I had someone who I could have belonged to and I’d let him go and I had no one to blame but myself. Well maybe my father too, but I wasn’t thinking that clearly yet.

  “No,” I said after I finally found my voice. “No, I don’t think it’s ever too late for an apology. I just thought you deserved to hear it.”

  Eddie dropped my arm and used one hand to cover his eyes as the other tugged at his hair. He turned his back on me and began to walk away. Too weak to say anything else, I turned away as well and began to wander aimlessly though the crowd milling up and down Ocean Drive, allowing myself to get as lost as I felt. Once the sun began to set, I knew it was time to go home.

  When I turned the last corner on the block where I’d left my car, I saw Eddie sitting on my hood with his head in his hands. A picture of Eddie with the girls on his arm flashed though my head. It was stupid, I know, since Eddie owed me nothing, but it was also another unpleasant reminder as to why he and I couldn’t be together. I slowly made my way towards him, stopping a few feet away as I searched for the words I needed to say. Instead of speaking, a small whimper left my lips as tears formed in my eyes. For someone who’d have sworn on a stack of bibles that they never cried, I sure had shed a flood of tears in the last few weeks. I started to realize that there were a lot of things I’d been lying to myself about.

  Once Eddie felt my presence, his head jerked up as he stood and came towards me, arms extended to welcome me. “Shh. Don’t cry, babe. Please don’t cry. I’ve been miserable without you. I’m sorry if I was cruel before.”

  “You don’t deserve anything I’ve done to you,” I told him through my tears. Eddie began to rock me in an attempt to calm me down. The image of him with the girls kept passing through my mind. I wondered if he would ever confess what had happened in the few days that we were apart. He owed me no explanation, though. I had done this to him … to us ... My thoughts kept stumbling over the reservations that had caused the rift between us: revenge, plotting, my mother, my father, his father, Jenks, my loneliness, my desire, my heartache. All of these things were getting in the way of my happiness.

  The idea of killing Eddie brought tears to my eyes again. No matter how hard I searched, I could not find the strength that I needed to continue … or let go.

  “I’m sorry I was so cruel, Roberta. You broke my fucking heart. I know there are things you aren’t ready to hear or to say, but I want to be the one with you when you are.”

  Fuck. “I don’t deserve you,” I told him once I’d digested what he’d said.

  “No, babe, it’s me that doesn’t deserve you. Roberta, I’ve got to be honest. I—”

  I placed my fingertips over his mouth to stop the confession he was about to make. My heart couldn’t handle anymore. “You don’t have to say anything. You owe me no explanation. All of this is my fault.”

  “God, I don’t deserve you,” he said again as he squeezed me tighter. “Can we go home now?”

  “Y
es,” I said. “Take me home.”

  We left my car parked on South Beach and took Eddie’s back to my house. We sat mostly in silence on the drive home. I found myself staring at him, wondering how I had gotten to this place. My need for revenge had subsided and had been replaced with a longing for something more from the man who sat beside me. It was not that I no longer cared about what I’d been sent to do, but I had found something else that I cared about more.

  Eddie led me inside the house and to my bedroom. My nerves got the better of me as I began to tremble in anticipation. He kissed me then and we laid down on my bed as I tried to convince myself that I was ready for what was to come next. He rolled on top of me, pressing himself firmly against me, but pulled away to look me in the eye.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked him.

  “Nothing,” he whispered as he brushed my hair away from my face with his fingers.

  “Why are you stopping?” I asked as I leaned up to try and kiss him.

  He pulled further away and I felt rejected and confused.

  “I’m not going to do this with you. Not like this.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  He smiled, which made me feel a little better, but not much. I wanted him and I thought he wanted me, too.

  “I’m not going to do this with you until you truly give yourself to me. I want all of it, Roberta … the good and the bad.”

  As much as I wanted to give him all of me, I knew that I couldn’t. I moved from under him and sat up as I sighed with the deep frustration I was feeling. I was having trouble navigating between my desire for him and my need for revenge; one step off the narrow path I was treading and I would fall into either abyss. Eddie laughed from behind me, which only pissed me off. He pulled me to him and pushed me back down on the bed. He kissed me again and my anger subsided a bit.

  “I mean it, Roberta. It’s taking every ounce of my willpower not to ravage you right now. But, I need to know that you are mine. You can’t just push me away when you’re worried. You have to talk to me. You have to let me know what you’re feeling or this will never work. I’ve never felt this way before about anyone and the thought that I could lose you at any moment over something I can’t fix because you won’t tell me what’s the matter … It scares the shit out of me. I can’t live like that. I won’t.”

  “Eddie, I—”

  “I know, babe. I know there are things you aren’t ready to share. I get it. Probably more than you realize. Just promise me you’ll try.”

  “Okay.”

  He leaned into me again and kissed me. We stayed that way for the rest of the day and I had never been happier.

  Some say fear is a four-letter word, but so is love … and hope.

  Eight weeks passed since I had opened myself up—as much as possible—to Eddie, and the conundrum I found myself in had gotten no better, or worse, at least. Thank goodness for small miracles. Although Eddie and I spent almost every waking moment with each other, there were still times he wasn’t around. The suspicious nature of mine would have wondered where the hell he was in between the times we spent together and the times we didn’t, but I had an ace up my sleeve. Jenks was the eyes and ears that I could not spare. If Eddie caught me spying on him, game over. If he caught Jenks, well, that would just be par for the course.

  I knew what was really happening during those hours he spent away from me, even if Eddie never told me exactly what he was up to. Jenks kept me informed as best he could. As far as either of us knew, Eddie still had no blood on his hands. Still, every time he left me, I had a growing fear that when he would come back to me he would not be the same man he was when he had left. The secrets he kept showed in the darkness behind his once light eyes, causing my fear to grow every time he was suddenly called away for reasons he would never share. It had become difficult for me to separate Eddie’s relationship with his father and the cartel from the relationship that we were attempting to cultivate. I do not know why I ever thought it was even possible, but I still was not strong enough to let him go. Every time he did come home and I saw his eyes that were only for me, I knew that I would forgive him, no matter what he had done.

  It’s a curious thing, the arbitrary lines we draw up in our minds to suit our self-serving need to distinguish between what is acceptable and what is not. I’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but realized even if it did, I would run with bare feet towards the only person who had ever really wanted me.

  I still hadn’t met Tony face to face. The opportunity had yet to arise, and I was in no rush to make it so. It was as if Eddie was trying to hide that part of his life from me. I couldn’t really blame him for that since I’d been busy doing the same. Eddie eventually stopped asking questions about my past, which was a relief considering I wasn’t sure if I still had it in me to lie to him, or to stop pretending about the real reason that had brought us together to begin with. Tony did not want to release his hold on his only son, and neither did I. At least I had the advantage of knowing who I was up against.

  In the months we’d been together since my first attempted separation from Eddie, we had found a comfortable routine. We spent most of our time at my house or on the beach. During the quiet times we shared, the nagging fear of Eddie finding out the truth ate away at me. We both kept so many secrets that we were afraid to share, too scared to lose the one person who had ever accepted us without any demands or expectations. I knew that the peace we felt could not last. One of us was going to slip up or confess something we would possibly regret. I knew in my heart that the stillness we found in each other could not last forever. I just never expected it to end so soon.

  Just when we’d become comfortable, the day I’d been dreading finally came. We’d gone to the beach to spend the day together. Eddie’s phone chirped before we even had a chance to lay our towels in the sand. He took his phone out of his pocket and stared at it with disappointment.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve got to go,” he said without meeting my eyes.

  “Why?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. I had a bad feeling that everything was about to change.

  “I can’t tell you. I’m really sorry. I’ve got to go,” Eddie said before he turned his back on me and began to walk away.

  “You can’t keep this up, Eddie. Not if you want this to work. You’ve got to give me something more.” I had an awful feeling that if I let him walk away that I would lose him forever. Begging was not below me, but I hoped it wouldn’t come to that. I wanted him to want to stay with me, no matter what his father asked of him. If he could give me that much, then I would know we still might have a chance for a future together. He had to willingly choose to leave that part of his life behind, not be forced into it by my feelings. If he didn’t, then I had to make the choice I’d been putting off for months and continue with my original plan. Tony Valdez had to die.

  “You don’t want to know,” he said as he stopped his retreat.

  “Yes, I do,” I said to his back.

  “No, you don’t,” he said as he marched angrily back to me. He leaned into me, bringing his face a couple of inches from mine as he stared at me intently. “I couldn’t tell you even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I’ve done everything I can do to keep this from happening, but it’s inevitable. This is what I was born in to. You could never understand.”

  “You’d be surprised,” I answered, surprising us both. I wanted to tell Eddie so badly how much I did understand. We had both been trained since birth and were stuck living up to the duties and expectations that had been handed down to us from our fathers. Maybe that’s why I’d been so drawn to him to begin with. We were both just pawns in a stupid game our fathers had created. Too bad neither of them realized that the pawns were always sacrificed first and were missed the least.

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He started to turn away, but looked back as he continued. “Look … I get it. I know this isn’t going to work if this keeps up. I swear, Roberta,
I’m doing everything I can to get out. I can’t let this be the reason why I lose you.”

  “Get out of what? Maybe if you told me I could help.”

  “No one can help me now,” he said as he grabbed my face and kissed me. “I really have to go. We’ll talk more later, okay?”

  I nodded my head. He released his hold on me and walked away. I stayed on the beach and watched as he crossed the street and got into his car. Once he pulled away from my house, I rushed to my car to follow him. I’d lived in denial for too long. Eddie’s innocence was now in question and I had to make sure that I was making the right decision by letting him survive. I got in my car and pulled out of my drive, speeding to catch up with him. It was still light out and the sun wouldn’t set for a few more hours so I would need to be extra cautious in my pursuit.

  Eddie had driven back to his apartment and I parked a block down to wait. Willy and Gus pulled in as Eddie came downstairs and got into their car. My phone rang and I pulled it out of my purse to check to see who it was. I prayed I hadn’t been spotted by Eddie. Stalking wasn’t my strongest skill and maybe I’d followed too close behind him. I ignored the call when I saw Jenks’s name flash across the screen. I wasn’t in the mood to hear whatever it was he called to say. I set my phone down and kept my eyes on the car a few ahead of me.

  I'd been following them from a safe distance for a good thirty minutes as they traveled down I-95. They’d just taken the exit that would lead into Liberty City when my phone began to ring again from the tote I’d packed for my now forgotten day at the beach. It was Jenks again. Fuck.

  “I can’t really talk right now, Jenks. I’m kind of in the middle of something,” I told him as I took the exit in pursuit of the three amigos. The thought that he might be following too came to mind, but I didn’t ask in case I was wrong. The last thing I needed was a reason for him to interfere.