The Tapper Twins Tear Up New York (With Each Other)

by Geoff Rodkey

  CLAUDIA

  And Goddesses, Inc. didn’t have a Deondra photo after all?

  AKASH

  No, they had a photo. But it got disqualified. Because the list specifically said “photo of Calvin the Cat getting KISSED by Deondra.”

  And the photo they had was of Deondra HUGGING Calvin the Cat.

  ATHENA COHEN, Fembot/Goddesses, Inc. team member Ed. Note: (had to pay her $20 for this interview)

  Okay, I’m, like, it’s just, like… I’m sorry, but I am STILL speechless. Because it was SO INCREDIBLY RIDICULOUS.

  Like, have you ever even MET a person as famous and important as Deondra?

  I am sure you haven’t. But I have met a LOT of them. Okay? And this is the thing about famous people: you don’t get to tell them what to do.

  Okay?

  So if you’re like, “Excuse me, Miss Deondra, but I’m a huge fan, and could you please just stop eating your kale salad and kiss this stuffed animal while I take a photo?”

  And she’s, like, “Okay, whatevs.” Which, by the way—MAJOR accomplishment to even get that far. Like, nobody else in that stupid hunt even got in the same ROOM as Deondra. Okay?

  But so, like, if Deondra takes your Calvin, and then she HUGS it—and you’re about to be all, “Could you actually kiss it instead?” But then her bodyguard or whoever’s, like, “JUST TAKE THE PICTURE, KID!”

  And then Deondra, like, hands the Calvin back to you and goes, “Have a great day!” and picks up her fork, like, “OVER”—

  I’m sorry, but when that happens, you can’t be all, “Yeah, um, Deondra? Could you please just, like, do it all over again, only with kissing?”

  IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE.

  Not like you’d know.

  CLAUDIA

  Wow, Athena. I am SO sorry it went down like that. Ed. Note: (sarcasm)

  ATHENA

  Whatever, Claudia. You have no idea. Go ride your little pink scooter off a cliff.

  CLAUDIA

  So after Akash told Mrs. Cohen why the Deondra photo got disqualified, she started yelling, “That’s absurd! What’s the difference between hugging and kissing?”

  AKASH

  And Mrs. Bevan—who was using her official speak-softly-to-the-crazy-parent voice—said, “I believe there’s a material distinction.”

  And Mrs. Cohen was like, “A MATERIAL distinction?”

  Then James Mantolini—who, by the way, is clinically insane for going head-to-head with Mrs. Cohen, because that woman is FIERCE—goes, “There’s DEFINITELY a difference between hugging and kissing. Let me give you a ‘for instance.’…”

  JAMES

  All I did was point out that Xander had just hugged me in front of the whole school. And I was totally cool with that—

  XANDER

  It was a Bro-hug. J-MO’S MY BOY!

  JAMES

  But if he’d KISSED me in front of everybody… that would have been awkward. Especially if it was on the lips.

  XANDER

  True dat!

  AKASH

  Mrs. Cohen was like, “Spare me the lecture, kid!”

  Then she turned on James and was like, “I suppose YOUR Deondra photo has kissing?”

  JAMES

  I said, “As a matter of fact, it does.”

  And she said, “Well, I would very much like to see that.”

  Although her tone of voice kind of made it sound like, “I would very much like to slit you open and pull out your entrails.” Ed. Note: entrails = guts

  And I was like, “Don’t mind if I do.” So I showed her my Deondra photo.

  AKASH

  And THAT brought the ruckus.

  CLAUDIA

  Athena’s mom took one look at the photo and screamed, “THAT’S NOT DEONDRA!” so loud it actually hurt my ears.

  And she had a point. Because it was definitely NOT a photo of global pop superstar Deondra Williams.

  JAMES

  No argument there. And I was expecting some controversy about that. Which is why I took the second photo.

  That’s Deondra Anthony. She works with my dad. And she’s pretty cool. I owe her a huge favor. Or at least my dad does. Which is why she made me take the third picture.

  CLAUDIA

  Seeing Deondra Anthony’s desk plate did NOT make Mrs. Cohen any less angry.

  In fact, it made her more angry.

  She started yelling, “THAT DOESN’T COUNT! It’s got to be THE Deondra! You can’t get 500 points for some random Deondra off the street!”

  AKASH

  Mrs. Bevan—who I’m pretty sure was enjoying this—waited until Athena’s mom stopped to take a breath.

  And then she was like, “If I could just interject… the list didn’t actually specify that it be THE Deondra. It simply said ‘Deondra.’ So technically, it could be ANY Deondra.”

  CLAUDIA

  That basically sent Mrs. Cohen into sputtering-rage territory. She started yelling things like, “OH, THAT IS ABSURD!” and “YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!”

  And my personal favorite, “THE ‘THE’ IS IMPLIED!”

  Then James said what everybody was thinking, but nobody else had the guts to say to Mrs. Cohen’s face.

  JAMES

  I said, “Hey, lady—I’m not a Harvard-trained lawyer like you are? But I can read English. And you’re pretty much out of luck here.”

  AKASH

  That was a beautiful and terrifying thing. James Mantolini FOR THE WIN.

  After that, it was all over but the shouting. And the lawsuit threats. Which Athena’s mom clearly did not follow through on, because otherwise I would’ve been subpoenaed by now.

  CLAUDIA

  I think it helped that the Fembots weren’t even in second place—so if Mrs. Cohen had managed to get James’s photo disqualified, it just would’ve meant Kalisha’s team won.

  REESE

  I wasn’t really following that whole fight. It was pretty confusing. All I knew was, by the time the dust settled, I still had a front-row ticket to MSG in my pants.

  WHICH WAS AWESOME!!!!

  CLAUDIA

  If you ask me, the real victims in this were Kalisha and the Avada Kedavras—who’d beaten a team that had four chauffeured cars and unlimited money. That’s pretty superhuman.

  KALISHA

  It all came down to the Cronut. I guess Goddesses, Inc. figured if they waved enough money around, the bakery would sell them one. But the thing with Cronuts is, they only bake them once a day. Once they’re gone, they’re gone. After that, all the money in the world won’t buy you a Cronut.

  CLAUDIA

  How did you guys get one?

  KALISHA

  We pre-ordered ours a week in advance.

  CLAUDIA

  SERIOUSLY?! How’d you know it’d be on the list?

  KALISHA

  Basic psychology. We knew Akash was making up the list, so we tried to get inside his head and predict what he’d put on it.

  Which is actually not hard with Akash, because he’s super-opinionated and really loud.

  AKASH

  This is true. My Cronut obsession is a matter of public record.

  KALISHA

  Cronuts weren’t the only thing. We reserved a bunch of stuff we didn’t end up using. Statue of Liberty tickets, brunch at the American Girl store, that special exhibition at MoMA…

  CLAUDIA

  But how’d you beat a team that was driving FOUR cars?

  KALISHA

  Logistics. We divided the list geographically by subway lines. That’s the great thing about New York City—you don’t HAVE to drive. The subway’s awesome.

  CLAUDIA

  Wow. I am seriously impressed.

  Although I have to say—I’m kind of surprised you didn’t think of the whole take-a-picture-of-a-non-famous-Deondra thing. I mean, considering how smart you are—

  KALISHA

  Oh, I definitely THOUGHT of it. I just didn’t know anybody named Deondra. Do you?


  CLAUDIA

  Actually… yeah. There’s a Deondra who lives in my building.

  I just, um… didn’t think of it.

  KALISHA

  Oh. Wow. Too bad I wasn’t on your team. The two of us together could’ve, y’know…

  CLAUDIA

  Yeah.

  KALISHA

  No hard feelings, though. I really enjoyed the mocha latte I got with our Starbucks gift card.

  And tell your brother congratulations again for winning.

  CLAUDIA

  Yeah.

  REESE

  WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  CLAUDIA

  Cut it out, Reese. Seriously.

  EPILOGUE

  A WHOLE BUNCH OF VALUABLE LESSONS

  CLAUDIA

  In addition to being a hugely successful fundraiser for a very good cause, the scavenger hunt was an important learning experience. And not just for me.

  For example, I think all of us learned you can’t trust the media not to completely exaggerate everything. So if something crazy goes down and you had anything at all to do with it, DON’T TALK TO REPORTERS.

  DIMITRI SHARANSKY, The Knights Who Say Ni team member

  I got my name in the paper!

  TOBY ZIMMERMAN, The Knights Who Say Ni team member

  Me too! That was beast.

  CLAUDIA

  Uh, guys? Do you realize that article single-handedly destroyed the scavenger hunt? So your talking to that reporter basically cost the Manhattan Food Bank millions of dollars in future donations?

  DIMITRI

  Aw, geez… I didn’t think of that.

  CLAUDIA

  Also, nobody under sixty-five reads a newspaper anymore.

  TOBY

  Harsh! Way to make us feel bad, Claudia.

  CLAUDIA

  I just want to make sure we all learn from our mistakes, Toby.

  On a personal level, I learned that when you’re putting together a team, it is very important to choose the ABSOLUTELY BEST person for the job.

  And the best person MIGHT be someone you are going out with.

  But not necessarily.

  JENS

  I learned that kids from New York will sometimes make a fun game very, very serious. And sometimes, they even make it too serious.

  Also, if you go for a scavenger hunt, it is better not to wear good shoes.

  CARMEN

  I learned that if your friend tries to jam you with a terrible idea, you should stand your ground and absolutely refuse to let her boyfriend be on your scavenger hunt team. Ed. Note: NOT my boyfriend! (FOR MILLIONTH TIME)

  PARVATI

  Ohmygosh, that is EXACTLY the same lesson I learned!

  Plus I learned that Kalisha Hendricks is DEFS the smartest person in our class.

  CARMEN

  What a coincidence! I learned that, too!

  CLAUDIA

  Okay, whatever. Moving on.

  JAMES

  I learned to always read the fine print.

  Also, don’t jump in the back of an open truck.

  CLAUDIA

  Speaking of fine print, I also learned—although I think it’s actually more important that certain OTHER people learn this particular lesson—that there’s a time and a place for humor. But it’s not always appropriate in every situation.

  For example, “the middle of a list of scavenger hunt items” is NOT a good place for humor.

  AKASH

  I learned that people are idiots who can’t take a joke.

  What?

  Don’t look at me like that, Claudia. I regret nothing.

  DAD

  I learned the importance of being completely honest at all times. Especially when you’re texting your wife. Ed. Note: Dad also “doing some soul-searching re: work-life balance”(i.e., wants to quit his job)

  REESE

  I’ll tell you what I learned: no matter how far down you are, you should never, ever quit.

  Because you can make it happen! YOU CAN BE THE MIRACLE!

  You just gotta believe in yourself.

  CLAUDIA

  You do realize you had absolutely nothing to do with winning those tickets, right, Reese?

  REESE

  Ouch! Looks like I also learned some people are sore losers.

  CLAUDIA

  Reese: not counting the Deondra photo, you got eleven and a half points. Out of a possible two hundred and fifty.

  You had a thirty-point item in your hands… AND YOU ATE IT.

  REESE

  Haters gonna hate, Claude.

  But you know what? Totally serious? No kidding around?

  It was a great thing you did, creating that scavenger hunt. You worked really, really hard on it.

  And yeah, it got a little crazy. But you raised a whole bunch of money for a really important cause. And I KNOW that money made people’s lives better.

  So you should really be proud of yourself. I’m for sure proud of you.

  CLAUDIA

  Wow… Thanks, Reese.

  REESE

  You’re totally welcome.

  And you know what? Even though all you ever did was badmouth my team and talk about how we were so pathetic, there was no way we’d ever win… for all that hard work you did, you deserve my front-row ticket. I want you to have it.

  CLAUDIA

  Seriously?

  REESE

  No.

  Ohmygosh, the look on your face when you thought I was going to give it to you? Hilarious!

  CLAUDIA

  I am turning off the voice memo app now.

  Then I’m going to count to five.

  And then I’m coming to kill you.

  REESE

  BYE!

  For more great reads and free samplers, visit

  LBYRDigitalDeals.com

  COMING IN SPRING 2016! JUST IN TIME FOR THE ACTUAL US PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!

  Of the sixth grade. Not the whole country. But still—it gets pretty crazy.)

  Turn the page—or swipe left on your electronic book-type thing—to read the beginning!

  PROLOGUE

  CLAUDIA

  My name is Claudia Tapper. I’m twelve years old. And I’m just going to be completely honest about this: I want to be president.

  And not just president of the sixth grade, but the whole United States.

  I know this probably sounds obnoxious. But I think it’s very important to set big goals for yourself Ed. Note: (I also want to be a famous singer-songwriter—but that is a whole other story) and try to be the best person you can be. That way, even if you fall short, you could still end up being vice president. Ed. Note: or maybe governor of something

  I also know getting elected president is a MAJOR long shot, and I’ll have to face a ton of challenges to pull it off. For the record, I am totally fine with that. Facing big challenges and kicking butt at them is what makes a person a strong leader. Nobody wants a president who didn’t have to work hard to get the job.

  That’s why I decided to put together this book, which is the official history of my campaign to be re-elected president of Culvert Prep’s sixth grade class.

  Because that election was the biggest challenge of my life.

  Mostly thanks to my stupid twin brother.

  REESE

  I seriously was NOT planning to run for president.

  I mean, it’s not like I want to be one when I grow up. I’ve seen the real president on TV, and there’s no way I’d want that guy’s job. He spends his whole day wearing a suit and getting yelled at. It’s even worse than being a lawyer. Ed. Note: not true. Dad is a lawyer—it is MUCH worse than being president

  But the thing is, sometimes you have to stand up for your beliefs. And that’s what I was doing.