The Tapper Twins Tear Up New York (With Each Other)
Page 12
This election wasn’t about me.
It was about freedom. Ed. Note: Reese HAS NO CLUE what that even means (his campaign manager taught him to say it)
MOM AND DAD (Text messages copied from Dad’s phone)
(MOM) FYI, Claudia’s writing another
oral history Ed. Note: oral history=my interviews w/everybody involved
(DAD) My whole body just clenched up in fear
I told her she can’t use our texts this time
Smart move. We would look like worst
parents ever
No kidding. Especially me
Just don’t leave your phone lying around or
she will steal it and take screenshots
Don’t worry—my phone is
password-protected Ed. Note: Dad’s password=7734
CHAPTER 1:
DOGGIE TERROR FROM THE SKIES
CLAUDIA
None of this ever would have happened if Reese hadn’t almost murdered a very small dog with a soccer ball.
REESE
I did NOT almost murder it! The dog didn’t even get hurt!
And it was a total accident! So even if I’d skronked the dog, it wouldn’t have been murder. It would’ve been, like… dogslaughter. Ed. Note: (like “manslaughter,” but with dog?) (either way, not a real word)
CLAUDIA
I should back up a little and explain the situation.
Reese and I live in New York City. Which is awesome. It’s actually TOO awesome, because so many people want to live here that it is seriously overcrowded.
And it’s not just overcrowded in the subway, or the grocery store, or Midtown during the holidays, but everywhere. There is just no space at all.
For example: size-wise, my bedroom is somewhere between a very tiny closet and a very large shoebox.
Not that I’m complaining. I’m actually very grateful I even HAVE a bedroom. If Reese and I had to share a room, it would be a total nightmare. For a LOT of reasons. But especially because he smells horrible.
REESE
Okay, THAT is not fair. I only smell bad after soccer.
CLAUDIA
Reese, you play soccer EVERY SINGLE DAY.
REESE
No way! I play, like, five days a week. Tops.
CLAUDIA
Okay, so—FIVE out of seven days, you smell like a butt… that’s been stuffed inside a moldy shoe… with some rotten vegetables.
REESE
Yeah. But only five.
CLAUDIA
I am getting seriously off track here. My point is, New York City is SO overcrowded that sometimes normal things end up in not-normal places. Like our school’s playground. Which, instead of being in a normal place—like next to the parking lot—is on the roof. Five stories up. Ed. Note: (also, there’ no parking lot).
And if you are insane enough to get into a contest to see who can kick a soccer ball over the rooftop fence—
REESE
It wasn’t a contest! It was a bet. And the bet was I couldn’t do a bicycle kick from in front of the SOUTH fence that was high enough to clear the whole NORTH fence—which was ridic hard, ’cause it was January and I was wearing snow boots. So it’s totally beast that I nailed it.
Now that I think of it, Xander still owes me five bucks for that.
CLAUDIA
Like I was saying: if you’re insane enough to kick your soccer ball over the rooftop fence, New York City’s SO overcrowded that even if you DON’T actually take out some mean rich lady’s equally mean little dog while she’s walking it down 77th Street… the ball will come screaming down out of the sky and scare BOTH the mean little dog Ed. Note: dog was very mean EVEN BEFORE this happened (so was owner) AND the mean rich lady SO MUCH that she’ll march into Culvert Prep and demand to talk to whoever’s in charge of not letting soccer balls fly off the roof.
And THAT is how Vice Principal Bevan wound up banning soccer from the roof.
REESE
Which was totally cray! That was, like, a straight-up attack on my freedom. And my liberty. And my human rights to, like, kick soccer balls during free time.
And that’s why I got into politics. Ed. Note: srsly, Reese has NO CLUE what all these words even mean
CHAPTER 2:
OUR APARTMENT HAS A SUPREME LEADER Ed. Note: (And Other Stuff You Should Know About Politics)
CLAUDIA
In case you’re like my brother and have no idea what politics even is, it’s all about who gets to decide the really important questions in a country and/or middle school. Like “Should soccer balls be banned from the roof?” Or “What if we invade Canada?”
There are a bunch of ways politics can work. But the two most common ones are “dictatorship” and “democracy.”
In a dictatorship, one person Ed. Note: (i.e., the dictator) decides everything. Then everybody else has to do whatever that person says. It’s VERY unfair.
Two good examples of dictatorships are North Korea and our apartment.
REESE
The dictator of our apartment is Mom. Ed. Note: Dad not happy about this But she’s pretty cool about it.
CLAUDIA
It is definitely much better to live in our apartment than North Korea. For one thing, we have totally uncensored Internet access. Mostly because Mom couldn’t figure out the parental control app.
Plus, she works crazy-long hours. Ed. Note: (Dad’s hours are even crazier/ longer) So most of the time, Ashley, our after-school sitter, is the substitute dictator. And tbh, Ashley is a total pushover. For example, last year she let Reese eat nothing but Cheezy Puffs for dinner for three straight weeks.
I am still a little surprised that didn’t kill him.
REESE
It ALMOST did. By the end, I think my skin was turning orange.
CLAUDIA
The second kind of politics is a democracy, where everybody gets to vote on all the important questions.
But in a country of 320,000,000 people Ed. Note: (U.S.A. population) —or even a sixth grade of 97 people—letting everybody vote on everything is way too complicated. So instead, everybody votes on who their leaders should be, and then the leaders make the decisions. Ed. Note: (FYI: this is called “representative” democracy)
REESE
So is school a dictatorship? Or a democracy? ’Cause we defs don’t have uncensored Internet access. You can’t get on ANY good sites from the cafeteria Wi-Fi.
CLAUDIA
Culvert Prep is a mix. It’s basically 90% dictatorship and 10% democracy.
REESE
Who’s the dictator of Culvert Prep? Vice Principal Bevan?
CLAUDIA
No, it’s the Head of School, Ms. Tingley. Plus Principal Spooner. Vice Principal Bevan’s more like their army. Like, whenever there’s rioting in the streets, they send her in to restore order.
REESE
I have no clue what you’re talking about. All I know is, Mrs. Bevan’s the one who banned soccer balls from the roof. And when me and Xander and Wyatt were like, “Puhhhleeeeaase let us play soccer on the roof again!” she was all, “Why don’t you ask your class rep to bring it up in SG?” Ed. Note: SG = Student Government
CLAUDIA
Student Government is the 10% democracy part of Culvert Prep Middle School. SG is made up of one representative (a “rep”) from each homeroom class, plus a president and a treasurer for each grade.
The class rep for Reese’s homeroom is my second-best friend Carmen. Ed. Note: tied with Parvati. So, rank is: 1. Sophie 2. Carmen (tie) 2. Parvati (tie)
CARMEN GUTIERREZ, 6th grade class rep/second-best friend of Claudia
So your brother and his friends come up to me at lunch, and they’re like, “You GOTTA get the SG to tell Mrs. Bevan to let us play soccer on the roof!”
But the thing is, I’ve been trying to get Culvert Prep to install solar panels on the roof FOR-EVER. Solar power’s MAJOR for our future—if we don’t stop burning coal and oil, the ice caps are going to melt, New
York City’s going to be totally underwater, and we’re ALL GOING TO DROWN.
CLAUDIA
Carmen is VERY concerned about global warming. It’s basically the whole reason she ran for class rep.
CARMEN
It’s been ridic hard to get solar panels approved. Whenever I’d bring it up in SG, Mr. McDonald would be like, “There’s just so much sports playing on the roof that I don’t know if it’s really practical.” Ed. Note: Mr. McDonald = SG’s faculty advisor
So I saw this soccer ban as a MAJOR opportunity. And I was like, “I’m sorry, Reese. The future of human civilization’s at stake here.”
And Reese was like, “So’s our soccer game!”
So I said, “Maybe you should discuss it with someone else in SG.”
And he was like, “Who?”
And I was like, “Duh! The class president.”
CLAUDIA
And at that moment, the class president was me.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Geoff Rodkey is best known as the screenwriter of the hit films Daddy Day Care, RV, and the Disney Channel’s Good Luck Charlie, It’s Christmas. The author of the acclaimed middle-grade adventure-comedy trilogy The Chronicles of Egg, he’s also written for the educational video game Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?, the non-educational MTV series Beavis and Butt-Head, Comedy Central’s Politically Incorrect, and at least two magazines that no longer exist.
Geoff currently lives in New York City with his wife and three sons, none of whom bear any resemblance whatsoever to the characters in The Tapper Twins Tear Up New York.
SPECIAL THANKS
Trevor Williams, Yvette Durant, Alec Lipkind, Fernando Estevez, Rahm Rodkey, Dafna Sarnoff, Tal Rodkey, Ronin Rodkey, Jesse Barrett, Anna Rose Meisenzahl, Kai Nieuwenhof, Mustafa the Tailor, Liz Casal, Lisa Clark, Chris Goodhue, Russ Busse, Andrea Spooner, Josh Getzler, and The Greatest City On Earth.
RIP
The FAO Schwarz store at 767 5th Avenue (1986-2015). Will probably be replaced by a Duane Reade. (See here.)
PHOTO CREDITS
All photographs are copyright © 2015 by Geoff Rodkey except for the following, reprinted with permission.
1: Currier & Ives N.Y.
2: pop_jop/iStock
3: Jesse Garrett
4: Jesse Garrett
5: Jesse Garrett
6: Jesse Garrett
7: Jesse Garrett
8: Jesse Garrett
9: dageldob/iStock
10: Underlying image: wavebreak/iStock
ILLUSTRATION CREDITS
Liz Casal: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42
Lisa Clark: 1, 2
Chris Goodhue, maps: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Welcome
An Oral History of the First Annual Culvert Prep Middle School Scavenger Hunt for Charity
Prologue
1 I Have an Excellent Idea (with a Little Help From My Brother)
4 Scavenger Hunt Fever Grips Culvert Prep
5 We Assemble an Awesome Team (After a Slightly Huge Argument)
6 The Chaperone Situation
7 The Mysterious Black Car
8 Reese and Dad Almost Miss the Whole Thing
9 My Brother’s Team Is Weird and Disgusting
10 My Team’s Very Bad (and Then Very Good) Start
11 Black Market Cronut
12 Zombie Lawyer Fembots
13 My Dad Makes a Seriously Bad Judgment Call
13½ My Dad Wants You to Know He Is Not a Horrible Person
14 Mom and I Get in a Huge Fight in the Bloomingdale’s Furniture Department
15 My Brother’s Team Gets in Serious Trouble
16 Sabotage in Times Square
17 My Brother Is Trapped in a Delivery Truck Headed for the Holland Tunnel
18 Jens and I Come Up with a Brilliant, Game-Changing Plan
19 My Brother’s Team Hits a New Low
20 Parvati Gets a Little Too Loud
21 Nightmare on Grove Street
22 Beast Squad: The Final Humiliation
23 Dad Gets a Serious Talking To
24 Photo Finish
25 Shock and Awe (and Lawsuits)
Epilogue: A Whole Bunch of Valuable Lessons
A Sneak Peek Of The Tapper Twins Run for President
About the Author
Special Thanks
RIP
Photo Credits
Illustration Credits
Copyright
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. Except as described below, names, characters, places, product names and services, organizations, and events in the book are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to actual people, locales, products, services, or events is coincidental.
In order to create a sense of setting, some names of real places have been included in the book. However, the events depicted in this book are imaginary and the real places are used fictitiously. The Cronut™ is a registered trademark of Dominique Ansel Bakery.
Copyright © 2015 by Geoff Rodkey
Here constitutes an extension of this copyright page.
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
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First ebook edition: September 2015
ISBN 978-0-316-38029-4
E3