Secrets of a Sinner

by Yolonda Tonette Sanders

  Troy surveyed the small round dining table. The glass tabletop was covered with a red cloth and decorated with two wineglasses, a bottle of sparkling grape juice and two candles: one red and the other white. The roll of paper towels had been moved to the counter and replaced with white folded napkins which rested underneath the silverware.

  “Have a seat...”

  He did so, and she brought over their plates. His mouth watered when he saw the juicy T-bone steak, mashed potatoes with gravy, steamed vegetables and buttermilk biscuits which had delighted his nostrils at the door. “This is nice,” he said, watching her dim the lights and ignite both candles. Natalie didn’t say a word. She continued smiling and took her seat across from him.

  Troy cut into his tender steak. He took his first bite of the perfectly seasoned meat. “De-licious!” he said.

  “Thank you.”

  There wasn’t much conversation while the two were eating. Troy could not get over how gorgeous Natalie looked tonight or how well things seemed to be going with them. Natalie seemed like a different person. Maybe she’d finally realized that their lives would be less complicated without the pitter-patter of little feet.

  * * *

  Stretched out in her bed, Natalie absorbed the comfort of Troy’s arms. Her head lay on his chest, and she could hear every thump his heart made; she’d swear it was in sync with hers. So far, everything had gone just as she’d planned. They’d shared a wonderful meal and then they’d made love amidst the yellow-orange glow of the candlelight, compensating for the drought they’d experienced the last three and a half weeks. “Do you have to work tomorrow?” She looked up, her lips inches away from his.

  “Unfortunately, I do.” He lifted his head just high enough to brush his mouth across hers, and then lay back down. “I had a wonderful time tonight. We really needed this.”

  “I know.” Natalie lowered her head to his and their lips came together once again. “Why don’t you stay the night?”

  Natalie’s eyes followed Troy’s when he turned toward the clock. It was 10:27 p.m. “I would, but I didn’t bring my work clothes with me. Had I known things would go like this, I would’ve because I’m definitely not in a hurry to leave.”

  Natalie smiled and laid her head back on his chest, circling through his chest hair with her index finger. “Wouldn’t it be great if we could spend every night like this?”

  Troy squeezed her gently. “Yes, it would.”

  “I’ve been thinking...what if we moved in together? Maybe I could find someone to take over my apartment and move into yours since it’s bigger.”

  “I don’t know, baby. I haven’t lived with anyone since I was in college. I’m sort of set in my ways now. Besides, having two separate places adds a little more excitement, don’t you think? We’re not stuck in one spot. If we get tired of hanging out here, we can go to my crib, and vice versa.”

  That wasn’t the answer Natalie wanted to hear, and so she continued to press her case. “I see what you’re saying, but I just thought maybe you would enjoy having home-cooked meals on a daily basis. I know you eat out a lot. With me there, you could save money on food and save on gas from not driving over here all the time. Spending the night wouldn’t be an issue anymore. We could spend all our nights like this and not have to worry about whether or not we brought over our work clothes.”

  Troy lifted her head up so he could see her eyes. “What is this really about, Natalie?” he asked softly. “You’ve never mentioned us moving in together before. Why now, all of a sudden?”

  “I don’t know. I just thought maybe it would help. Our relationship has been so tense lately. Maybe if we moved in together, things would be different.” She started to look down, but Troy grabbed and held on to her chin, looking at her softly.

  “Listen to me. We don’t have to force ourselves into a living arrangement just to hang on to our relationship. Things have been difficult the last few weeks, but we’ll get through this together, I promise.”

  “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Natalie was about to get excited until she saw Troy’s confused expression. She lowered her voice and spoke nervously, “You haven’t changed your mind about the baby, have you?” She smacked his hand from under her chin, and jumped out of bed, searching for her robe.

  “Natalie, wait!” Troy said, bouncing up, and slipping on his pants.

  “Just leave me alone! I can’t believe you’re willing to abandon me. I didn’t make this baby by myself, you know.”

  “Whoa, sweetheart!” He grabbed her, holding tight. “I would never abandon you. Trust me. I do accept responsibility for this mess we’re in. You’re not in this alone. We should have been more care—”

  “How can you say that?”

  “Say what?”

  “You accept responsibility for this mess we’re in. We didn’t fall into the mud, Troy. I’m nine weeks pregnant. It’s not a mess! It’s our baby!” she screamed, beating her fist into his chest several times until he caught her hands.

  “I’m sorry I said that. Just calm down.” He brought her close to him.

  Tears rolled down her cheeks. “I tried so hard to make tonight perfect.”

  “It was, baby,” he reassured her, gently swiping the hair from around her face.

  “I don’t understand. Why can’t you see that we’re good together? I love you so much, Troy. This baby is important to me. I can’t have an abortion. I just can’t,” she sobbed, remembering how difficult it had been the last time she had forfeited her rights to motherhood.

  “Okay...” He sounded defeated.

  “Why don’t you want the baby?”

  “Nat—it’s difficult for me to explain. I’m not ready for this. Being a father wasn’t something I’d planned for my life.”

  “It’s not like I planned this either.”

  Troy sighed, “I know.”

  “Just leave me alone. I won’t force you to become a part of the baby’s life. I promise not to list you on the birth certificate.”

  “Do you think that’s going to make me feel better?”

  “Why not? You don’t want anything to do with this child.”

  “I don’t want you to have the baby, but if you do, I’ll take care of my responsibility. I can’t walk away with a good conscience.”

  “So it’s your conscience keeping you in the situation rather than love for me or our child?”

  Troy breathed heavily and tilted his head up toward the ceiling. “Must you nitpick at everything I say? I’m done talking about this tonight. We’re not accomplishing anything!” He grabbed his shirt and stormed out of the room, extinguishing one of the candles as he flew by it.

  Chapter 19

  Far from Perfect

  The next day, Natalie found it impossible to concentrate at work. She couldn’t call in sick, though. Yesterday she’d promised to have a major report ready for Alex by three today and it was already eleven-thirty. Although she’d planned to skip lunch, at the rate she was going, she still wouldn’t finish on time. “This is Natalie,” she answered when her work phone rang.

  “Hey...” It was Troy.

  “Hey...” she repeated softly.

  “I won’t hold you long. I just called to say I’m sorry for leaving the way I did last night.”

  “Thanks, but your walking out is the last thing concerning me. I don’t get your attitude, Troy. If I was some one-night stand who’d ended up pregnant—then I could see why you feel the way you do, but I don’t get it. I really don’t. You act like having this child with me is one of the worst things that could happen to you.”

  “Look, this is not the time for us to get into any heavy discussions. You want to have the baby and that’s that. I’ll do what I need to do, all right?”

  “You act as if we’re making a bu
siness deal...”

  “Bye, Natalie. I’m not going through this with you again. I’ll give you a call later, okay?”

  “Jerk!” she sputtered, slamming the phone down.

  “I suppose you’re gonna tell me that nothing’s wrong?”

  Natalie jumped at the sound of Aneetra’s voice. “Why are you sneaking up behind me?”

  “I didn’t sneak, I came to drop off the budget analysis for the Carson account. You’re submitting the final report to Alex, right?”

  “Yeah...” Natalie stared at her computer, refusing to turn Aneetra’s way.

  Aneetra laid a manila folder on her desk. “If you have any questions, let me know.”

  “Okay.”

  “Natalie...”

  “What?”

  “I don’t mean to pry, but you’ve seemed very upset about something lately. What just happened now is proof of that. I’m willing to listen if there’s something you want to talk about.”

  “Thanks, Aneetra, but what’s happening in my life is something you wouldn’t be able to relate to.”

  “And how would you know that?”

  “Because your life is perfect.” Aneetra was a happily married mother of two and, with the exception of her mother dying, the major crises in her life were probably things like deciding what she’d fix her family for dinner. As far as Natalie was concerned, Aneetra’s issues were very minor compared to the situations she had encountered during her lifetime and the one she was currently facing.

  Aneetra laughed sarcastically. “My life is far from perfect.” She took her normal seat at the corner of Natalie’s desk.

  Natalie desperately wished Aneetra would leave her alone because she could not trust herself around this woman, fearing that somehow Aneetra would trick her into exposing her vulnerability. Tears were already starting to well up in her eyes. She quickly grabbed a tissue to blot them dry.

  “Have you taken lunch yet?”

  Natalie shook her head. “I won’t be able to. I have to finish this report.”

  “Oh, don’t worry about the report. I’ll help you finish it after lunch.”

  “Thanks, but I’m fine...really,” Natalie argued.

  “No, you’re not...really,” Aneetra mocked, sparking a slight grin from Natalie. “Now, you can either come to lunch with me or sit here and draw attention to yourself. Ain’t no telling who’s watching or got their ears perked up. You know how people love to get rumors started around this place. So what’s it gonna be? Are you coming to lunch or are you gonna sit here and let the whole office see you cry?”

  “I’m not really hungry,” Natalie continued to protest.

  “That’s fine. We don’t have to leave the building. I would say we could go to the break room, but too many people will be in and out of there this time of day. We can always go hang out in one of the back conference rooms and talk. I doubt anyone’s using it now.”

  Natalie looked up at Aneetra for the first time since she’d been at her desk. “You’re not gonna leave unless I say yes, are you?”

  “Nope.” Aneetra smiled.

  “Fine,” she said, grabbing her purse.

  * * *

  Aneetra was right; no one was using the conference room. Attached to its sky-blue-painted walls were a white board, a projection screen, and wooden plaques revealing bits of Dennison history, such as the date the company was established, its mission and a chronological list of company presidents through the years. A rectangular table sat directly in the center, stretching nearly the entire length of the room. Natalie got a glimpse of the cars passing by as she glanced out the ceiling-to-floor, wall-to-wall window along the back, which overlooked the I-270 outerbelt. “Will we get in trouble for being in here?” she asked, having never been in the conference room unless attending an actual meeting.

  “Get in trouble?” Aneetra frowned, shutting the door. “Haven’t you noticed by now how laid-back this place is? No one gets in trouble for anything. The three main reasons anyone will get reprimanded is for falsifying work hours, sending inappropriate emails or tampering with confidential information—and in that case a person is likely to get fired. Don’t worry, using the conference room is not a violation of any office policy.”

  Natalie took a seat at the table, wondering if there was any believable story she could concoct to keep from telling Aneetra what was really going on.

  “So—what’s been bothering you the last few weeks?”

  “I don’t know...you’re not gonna understand. We are so different, Aneetra.”

  “Is this about my life being perfect again?”

  “It sure seems that way to me. You come to work every day with a smile, no matter what happens. Even when your mother died you still seemed happy. I mean, in reality, I know nothing’s perfect, but your life seems pretty close.”

  “All I can say is that it’s not. I choose to smile every day, but I don’t always feel like doing so.”

  “Still, I’m sure you don’t know how it feels to be pregnant by a guy who wishes you would have an abortion.” Natalie hung her head, wondering how in the world she had let that slip out. This pregnancy combined with the stress of her relationship with Troy was surely messing with her emotions. She did not need to be around Aneetra in such a fragile state of mind because the woman had a way of getting her to talk about things that she wouldn’t normally reveal.

  “That certainly explains why you’ve been so edgy lately. What have you decided to do?”

  “I really don’t know,” Natalie admitted, her voice shaking. “It’s a no-win situation. I really want to keep the baby, but if I do, I’ll push Troy further away.”

  “Why does he want you to have an abortion?”

  “He says it’s because he never planned to have kids.” Natalie began to tear up again, but took several deep breaths to prevent from doing so. “I just don’t understand. Our relationship was great. I thought he’d be happy about the baby, but...maybe he’s right. Maybe it would be best if I had an abortion.”

  “I’d think long and hard before doing that. Abortion is permanent. Once it’s done, it’s done, and there’s no turning back.”

  Natalie nodded her head in agreement. She already knew the ramifications she faced.

  “I know someone who had an abortion in college. She’s married now with children, but to this day, she’s still haunted by her decision.”

  “I just don’t know what to do. I want to be with Troy, I just want him to be happy about the baby. His attitude is stressing me out. I thought we had a good relationship. I feel so stupid.”

  “I know exactly how you feel.”

  Natalie looked up skeptically.

  “I can...the woman I told you about was me.”

  “You had an abortion?”

  Aneetra nodded. “Fifteen years ago. I was nineteen at the time—in the middle of my sophomore year. I got knocked up by my boyfriend who made it known that he would deny the baby if I went through with the pregnancy.”

  “Really?”

  “Yep. And to make matters worse, I found out that he’d gotten another girl on campus pregnant, too. Imagine going home and explaining all of that to your mama.... Not only didn’t I want to face my mama, but I was concerned about what my friends would think. I felt like a complete fool. Pride got the best of me and I did the only thing I thought I could do at the time.”

  Natalie shook her head in disbelief. “I never would’ve thought—you’re so religious.”

  “I cringe when people use that word to describe me.”

  “Why? It’s true.”

  “Yeah, but there are a lot of religious people in the world who haven’t necessarily given their lives to Christ. There is a difference. One is a systematic way of doing things, but salvation is a life-changing experience.”
/>   Great! Now Aneetra was getting all evangelical...

  “I got saved a few years after I’d had my abortion. I know that Jesus instantly forgave me then, but it took much longer for me to forgive myself. I can’t tell you what to do about your pregnancy, but remember that you have to live with whatever decision you make.”

  “Thanks...I’m sure I’ll figure this whole thing out soon. Will you promise me something?”

  “What?”

  “Please don’t say anything about my situation to anyone. I’d prefer to keep my personal life separate from work.”

  “Girl, you don’t have to worry about that. I won’t tell anyone.”

  “Good. I won’t say anything about what you’ve told me, either.”

  “I guess we have a deal then, huh?”

  Natalie smiled. “I guess so.” Talking to Aneetra hadn’t been all that bad. Having kept secrets from everyone for most of her life, it felt good to share something for once.

  “Now, I think we better get back so we can finish the Carson report. Alex is cool, but you don’t want to get on her bad side. However, before we leave, would you mind if I prayed with you?”

  “Sure, why not?”

  Aneetra began, “Father God, I come to You on behalf of Natalie, who is going through a tough time right now. Lord, she is in need of Your strength and guidance, and so I ask that You speak to her heart. Replace fear with faith and give her wisdom to make the choices that coincide with Your will for her life. Only You know the depths of her pain and I ask, in the Name of Jesus, that You heal her every hurt. Show her Your loving kindness...”

  Natalie listened intently as Aneetra’s prayer brought tears to her eyes. Besides her grandmother, she had never heard anyone pray so fervently on her behalf. She was thankful that her life’s path had crossed with Aneetra’s, and that Aneetra had continued pursuing her friendship even when she behaved in a less-than-friendly manner. That day in the conference room, Natalie began to see Aneetra in a whole new light. Once irritated by her offers, she now appreciated the fact that Aneetra cared enough about her to pray for her. Natalie still wasn’t certain about how the whole situation with her, Troy and the baby would work out. But she did know that, at least for the moment, she felt better and she was sure it was a direct result of the words leaving her friend’s lips and landing in God’s ears.