Every Time We Say Goodbye

by Colette Caddle

  ‘I’m glad you like them.’

  ‘You should wear red more often,’ he smiled down at her. ‘Why do women wear so much black?’

  ‘No idea.’ She crossed to the dressing table, opened her jewellery box and took out her thick gold choker.

  Johnny took it from her and fastened it around her throat before kissing her neck. Helen shivered as she always did.

  ‘Don’t be long,’ he said, heading for the door, and she listened as he went downstairs whistling.

  She stared at her poised reflection in the mirror, wondered if anyone else would notice her misery. She put a hand to the nape of her neck where he’d kissed her and closed her eyes. It never ceased to amaze her that, after all these years, a kiss or even a look from Johnny could send tingles down her spine. Right now she resented it. How could he smile at her and kiss her and behave as if everything was fine when he was seeing someone else? She had gone over it and over it until she’d nearly lost her mind, and it was the only thing that made sense. Marianne. The woman he was spending most of his time with at the moment; her best friend. She’d thought fleetingly of letting Jo in on her suspicions but it went against every fibre of her being to run to others with her problems; everyone turned to her. She was the sensible, practical and dependable one. And she was happy to play a supporting role because while her friends depended on her, she depended on Johnny; he was her rock. What would she do if she couldn’t trust him any more? What would she do if he said he didn’t love her any more?

  ‘Helen, come on, we’ll be late.’

  She looked up to see him standing in the doorway and forced a smile. ‘Coming.’

  ‘This is nice.’ Marianne smiled at her daughter as they strolled along the beach at Dollymount. ‘We used to take you here all the time when you were little. Do you remember?’

  Kate nodded.

  ‘Daddy used to chase you up and down the sand dunes and then the two of you would come sliding down them; I used to give out hell because the sand would get in your socks and shorts, even in your pants; there would be sand all over the house for days.’

  Kate wrinkled her nose. ‘Yuck, I wouldn’t do that now; sand makes me itchy.’

  They walked in silence for a moment and then Kate bent to pick up a shell. ‘I wish he’d never got that job. Everything got bad after that.’

  Marianne was startled by the remark. ‘That’s not true, darling. We moved to a nice new house, you started school and Andrew was born.’

  ‘Duh, exactly.’ Kate rolled her eyes like a sullen teenager. ‘The house was cool but there were no kids to play with, Andrew just bawled all the time and Dad was never around.’

  Marianne was about to tackle each point and then she realized that the last was the only one that counted; she had to draw Kate out about her father. Her GP, Mandy, had said it was important to talk frankly and not to avoid the issue.

  ‘Don’t dress it up, don’t romanticize it and, above all, don’t avoid answering questions,’ the doctor had told her. ‘Whatever you say will be much less frightening than what Kate is probably imagining right now.’

  Feeling that this might be one of the most important conversations she ever had with her daughter, Marianne paused for a moment, choosing her words carefully. ‘Let me explain about promotion, Kate,’ she explained. ‘That’s when you get a more important job and get paid more money for doing it. You only get promoted if you are really good at your job. The problem is that, although it’s a reward for your hard work, it usually means you have to work even harder. It was probably silly of me, but I thought that because Daddy spent so much time at the office, you wouldn’t miss him as much now.’

  ‘But I always knew he was coming home, Mum.’

  Marianne looked down into the dark eyes that held an expression too old for a nine-year-old. How she had underestimated the depth of her daughter’s pain. It really didn’t matter how much Dominic had hurt her, as far as Kate was concerned, he was her daddy. ‘Are you cross that he’s never coming back?’

  Kate glanced at her. ‘Do you mean cross with God?’

  Marianne shrugged, yet again struck by her daughter’s maturity. ‘With anyone, I suppose.’

  Kate thought about it for a moment. ‘I think I’m cross with everyone, but with God most of all. You said he took Daddy to heaven early because he was special but that doesn’t make sense; there are lots of seriously special people in the world. Why didn’t he take Nelson Mandela? He’s super-special and seriously old.’

  ‘You are clever,’ Marianne smiled.

  ‘So you don’t think that’s why he died?’

  Marianne looked into her daughter’s eyes and, with Mandy’s words ringing in her ears, she shook her head. ‘No, darling. I think he died because he worked too hard and didn’t look after himself properly.’

  ‘I bet he ate lots of rubbish when he was out,’ Kate said, ‘and drank too much beer.’

  ‘I think you’re probably right.’

  ‘Then I’m cross with him too,’ Kate scowled. They walked in silence for a moment then Kate bent to pick up a stone and skipped it across the water. ‘Mum?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’m angry at my friends as well.’

  Marianne looked at her in alarm. Surely not more bullying? ‘Why, sweetheart?’

  Kate turned her miserable eyes up to meet Marianne’s. ‘Because they have dads.’

  ‘Oh, darling.’ Marianne hugged her close and stroked her long, beautiful hair. ‘That makes perfect sense to me.’ They stayed like that for a moment and then Kate pulled back and looked up at her.

  ‘Are you cross, Mum?’

  ‘I’m a little cross with Daddy,’ Marianne answered honestly, ‘and for much the same reasons as you, but I try to remember the good times we had together.’ She waved a hand towards the sand dunes. ‘Like the fun we had here.’

  ‘I loved our last holiday in Spain.’

  Marianne smiled. That had been a good holiday; Dominic had seemed calmer and, always a good swimmer, had spent a lot of time playing with the children in the pool or dodging waves with them in the sea. She could still remember their excited squeals. ‘Remember when you were flying the kite and it fell into the water?’

  ‘Oh, yes!’ Kate grinned. ‘It got all tangled up in that man’s feet on the airbed and he was snoring his brains out; Daddy was trying to get it back without waking him but Andrew couldn’t stop giggling and I had to drag him away.’

  ‘What about when Daddy insisted that Andrew try some squid?’ Marianne groaned.

  ‘Eww, yes!’ Kate screwed up her face in disgust. ‘He spat it out all over the table. He really is a little monster.’

  ‘Yeah, but he’s our little monster.’ Marianne put her arm around her daughter’s shoulders as they walked on. ‘He misses Daddy too.’

  ‘That’s what Aunty Jo said.’ Kate stopped and looked guiltily up at her mother. ‘I told everyone about him wetting the bed yesterday.’

  ‘So I heard.’

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘I think it’s him you should say sorry to. I know he was winding you up, and I realize he is annoying, darling, but will you try to be more patient? We have to look after each other now.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘You know, I think we should do something really fun this weekend.’

  Kate looked at her. ‘Like what?’

  Oh, I don’t know. Maybe something we used to do with Daddy.’

  ‘Let’s go to a carnival!’

  Marianne pretended to look horrified. ‘Oh no, you know I’m scared stiff of those rides!’

  ‘Oh, go on, Mum, please?’ Kate begged.

  ‘Oh, okay, then,’ Marianne agreed with an exaggerated groan. ‘But I refuse to go on a rollercoaster; you can go on that with your granny.’

  Kate grinned. ‘Yeah, Granny loves all the scary stuff.’

  ‘I’m so glad that Andrew is scared of heights too. I can stay with my feet firmly on the ground with him while you and Granny go and
scare yourselves silly!’

  ‘You’re such a wimp, Mummy.’

  ‘I am,’ Marianne laughed. ‘Now let’s go home. I don’t know about you but I’m bloody freezing.’

  ‘Mummy!’ Kate giggled.

  ‘That just slipped out,’ Marianne said with a complicit grin. ‘Don’t you dare tell your brother.’

  As they headed back to the car, Kate’s arm tight around her waist, Marianne felt a sense of peace now that her daughter was finally talking openly and honestly with her. She could cope with any financial fallout once her children were okay, no problem at all.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Rob wandered around the house, too nervous to sit down. Although they had talked on the phone and exchanged emails and texts, this would be the first time that Marianne had visited him since he’d moved in; the first time he’d seen her since that kiss by the canal. He couldn’t help feeling excited. His eyes went involuntarily to the fridge where her picture had been; God, he wished she’d left that behind. Still, she would be here, in the flesh, today. The thought of taking her in his arms and kissing her again thrilled him. He felt sure she would respond. But was he moving too fast? If he rushed her she might decide not to work for him and think he’d only offered her the job in order to get his hands on her. Which was true but in a much deeper way. It wasn’t just Marianne’s body he wanted, it was the whole package.

  Which reminded him of Vanessa, who he hardly even thought of these days. They talked a couple of times a week and she sent him regular messages on Facebook, but his responses were brief and infrequent.

  When they had first got together, Rob had found it very sexy to have a woman phone him from her bedroom and tell him what she was or wasn’t wearing, but now it just made him uncomfortable. Now when she did it he made some excuse to get off the phone and called her back when she was in the office. She hadn’t commented on this which he took as a good sign; hopefully she was enjoying herself too much to notice. With a bit of luck, she’d become completely immersed in her new life and soon forget him. It was the coward’s way out but he really didn’t want to be the one to end the relationship and hurt her.

  The doorbell rang and he hurried to let Marianne in.

  ‘Hello!’ She smiled shyly.

  ‘Hi.’ He stood back to let her in, struck as always by her elegance though she was simply dressed in a white shirt, jeans and flat shoes. Her dark hair was loose and almost to her waist; he had to clench his fists to stop himself reaching out to touch it. ‘It must feel strange coming back to your own house as a visitor.’

  ‘A little.’

  ‘You can use your key if you want . . .’

  ‘Oh, no, that would be wrong.’ She seemed horrified by the idea.

  ‘Tea?’ he asked.

  ‘Please.’

  He led the way into the kitchen. So much for things being more relaxed. They were behaving like strangers. ‘So, are you settling in okay?’ He filled the kettle, glad to have something to do with his hands.

  ‘Yes, we’re getting there. I have a few boxes in the car that I’d like to store in the garage – if that’s all right with you, of course.’

  ‘I already told you, it’s fine.’ They were speaking regularly, having some lovely long chats, catching up on the last couple of years and yet now she seemed so formal; was she regretting letting him get close again?

  ‘Thanks. Dot’s house is so much smaller and I hate taking over the place.’

  ‘Do you think she minds?’ He had never met Dot Thomson and knew little about her; Marianne had only ever really talked about the children.

  ‘No, she’s just so glad to be home again she could cope with anything.’

  ‘And the children? Didn’t they mind leaving all this?’ he gestured around the large airy kitchen and the enormous garden beyond it.

  ‘No.’ She walked over to the window and stared out. ‘I thought the last day here would be hard but they walked out without a backwards glance. It just goes to show that we attach more importance to these things than kids do.’

  To hell with this, he thought, and went to stand behind her. ‘I’m so glad you’re here.’ He ran a finger lightly down her arm. Marianne didn’t turn around, didn’t even say a word, she simply leaned back into him and let her head rest against his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her waist and felt her tremble.

  ‘Oh, Rob.’ She turned her head to look up at him.

  He almost gasped at the warmth in her eyes and with a groan he bent his head to kiss her. She turned and wrapped her arms around his neck. He pulled away, and when she opened her eyes she seemed dazed for a moment and then she smiled. ‘I’ve missed you, Marianne. I’ve missed you so much.’

  ‘I’ve missed you too,’ she whispered before guiding his mouth back to hers and kissing him hungrily. Rob let his hands run over her body, reacquainting himself with its contours as she seemed to melt into him; it was as if they had never been apart. He stepped back and looked into her eyes. ‘I want you, Marianne.’

  ‘I want you too,’ she said, sounding slightly breathless.

  He took her hand, led her out of the room and towards the stairs, pausing to take her in his arms for another kiss.

  ‘There’s something I have to tell—’ She froze as the doorbell rang.

  ‘Ignore it,’ he murmured, but looking over her head he saw Vanessa’s distinctive outline through the mottled glass. ‘Oh shit, sorry. I have to answer that.’

  ‘That’s okay. Why don’t I wait in the office? I am supposed to be here to work,’ she joked.

  ‘Yes, good idea. I won’t be long.’

  The doorbell rang again and Vanessa called out. ‘Rob? Are you in there? This is a fine welcome home!’

  He could have cried as he watched Marianne’s smile disappear and a shutter come down. ‘Look, Marianne—’

  ‘I think you should let her in, don’t you?’ she said, and pushing past him, went into the office and closed the door.

  ‘Fuck,’ Rob muttered and straightening his clothes he opened the door. ‘Vanessa!’

  ‘About time too. What on earth were you doing?’ She dropped her rather large overnight bag at his feet and stood on tiptoes to kiss him.

  ‘Sorry, I was on a call.’

  ‘I thought I heard voices.’

  ‘Yes, my new IT instructor is here. He nodded towards the office door. ‘We’re actually in the middle of a meeting.’

  ‘Go and finish your meeting; I can wait.’ She kissed him again. ‘Upstairs if you like.’

  He tried to smile though he felt more like crying. ‘Sorry, that’s not possible; there’s a class due in an hour,’ he lied.

  She looked at him. ‘Are you throwing me out?’

  ‘No, of course not, I’ve got time for a quick coffee.’ He led the way through to the kitchen. ‘You should have let me know that you were coming.’

  ‘It was a last-minute thing. I was supposed to be at a conference today but it was postponed so I decided to come to Dublin for a long weekend. Wow, this is nice!’ She ran her fingers along the shiny, black granite worktop and then left it to go to the window. ‘Very nice.’

  He said nothing as he made her coffee, wondering how to get rid of her; there was no way she was staying the night let alone for the full weekend. He carried the mug over to her and then went back to lean on the counter to drink his own, anxious to keep some distance between them. In the unlikely event of Marianne walking in, he didn’t want her to see Vanessa hanging off him. ‘How’s your mum? She must be delighted you’re home.’

  ‘I haven’t told her I’m here,’ Vanessa admitted. ‘I only have a couple of days and I wanted to spend them with you.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Vanessa, that’s impossible; I’m completely tied up.’

  ‘You don’t work twenty-four hours a day,’ she protested. ‘Anyway, I’m tired so I’ll be quite content to relax and enjoy your gorgeous new pad and be here waiting for you when you get home.’

  ‘That’s just the
thing; I’m running a weekend training course right here,’ he said, surprised at how easily the lies came to him. ‘You’ll have to stay with your mum. I’ll take you out to dinner tomorrow night if you like.’

  ‘I’ve come all the way from London to see you, and all I get is one lousy dinner?’ She looked at him, incredulous.

  ‘It’s hardly my fault. You should have given me some notice,’ he said, hearing the edge in his voice and hating himself for it.

  Vanessa reddened. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t think it would be a big deal.’ She stood up and made for the door.

  ‘Vanessa, wait. I’m sorry for being so abrupt; you just took me by surprise, that’s all.’ Well, that was at least the truth!

  Immediately she turned and smiled, relief in her eyes. ‘It’s okay, I should have called and let you know I was coming. Have you got time to at least give me a tour?’

  ‘Sure.’ As he took her around the house, he rehearsed how he’d introduce her to Marianne. It would be obvious that Vanessa was his girlfriend but so what? He was thirty-one years old; wouldn’t it be odd if he didn’t have a partner? Only he knew, in his heart, that what would bother Marianne was that he hadn’t told her. He needed to stay calm, get rid of Vanessa as quickly as possible and reassure Marianne that Vanessa wasn’t important. In fact no woman he’d ever been with was important. They all paled into insignificance next to Marianne. She was the only woman he’d ever loved, the woman he still loved. And now that he’d found her again he had no intention of letting her go a second time.

  Feeling decidedly uncomfortable showing Vanessa around Marianne’s house, especially with the woman herself sitting in the office, he breezed from room to room, hesitating at the door of the master bedroom. If Vanessa had arrived ten or fifteen minutes later, he wouldn’t have heard the door, never mind have answered it, and he’d be making love to Marianne right now.

  He left the office until last and, pausing outside the door, he turned to Vanessa. ‘I should explain: Marianne, my new instructor, is the woman who owns this house. It turns out she needed a job and she’s a perfect replacement for Shay.’

  ‘That was lucky,’ Vanessa said, but her eyes had clouded over.