Love's Cold Burn

by Harry, Jessica

  She quite liked Andrew as a possible friend, but there was only one boy she wanted as a lover and she felt that he had started to show signs of taking an interest in her. And now he had dumped his dowdy girlfriend. She was filled with anticipation of what might happen. There was electricity between her and Tom and she felt almost physically drawn towards him.

  ‘They just weren’t right for each other,’ Andrew repeated. Pink Socks seemed distracted. She was looking over at the footballers. They were a bit noisy. Andrew wondered if now was a good time to invite her back to Dickens Court for a chance to talk in peace, but the beer was working its way through him fast and he was desperate for the toilet. ‘Must visit the gents. Back in a minute.’ Andrew rushed to the toilets at the back of the Coffee Bar.

  He was not the only customer in a hurry. There was only one urinal in the gents and the queue was three deep. A few minutes later he washed his hands as quick as he could and rushed for the door. As he passed through the coffee bar, he saw Vicky in floods of tears. She was by the exit so he couldn’t avoid her. ‘Vicky. What’s wrong?’

  She was inconsolable and couldn’t speak for sobbing. Andrew felt as if everyone were watching them as he and her two friends tried to comfort her. They led her outside but she was crying too much to speak.

  Andrew didn’t want to be held up too long. He had to get back to Pink Socks. And as much as he shared Vicky’s pain, he had waited all year for his chance with Pink Socks and he had to get back. He looked over to where he had been sat with Pink Socks, but she was gone. He looked all around but could not see her. He went back inside but could not see her there either.

  This was strange. Maybe she had also gone to the toilet. He would ask Tom. He would have seen where she had gone. He went back out to the footballers, but Tom wasn’t with them. He looked around for him, but couldn’t see him either.

  ‘Brian. Have you seen Tom or Pink Socks?’ Andrew asked, almost frantic.

  Brian didn’t answer straight away.

  Andrew could see in his eyes, he knew what had happened.

  Brian knew exactly where they were and was angry with his brother for placing him in the difficult position of breaking the news to Andrew.

  Andrew looked into Brian’s eyes with horror as his mind raced towards the truth, but, even though he had worked out what must have happened, he couldn’t believe his best friend could do such a thing to him. He wouldn’t let the painful truth even pass through his mind until he heard it from Brian.

  He repeated his question slowly and with menace in his voice. ‘Have you seen Tom or Pink Socks?’

  Again Brian didn’t answer straight away. He put his arm around Andrew’s shoulder and led him away from the other footballers. ‘I’m sorry Andrew. They left together.’

  Chapter 34

  And

  The next day, May 12, 1984: Andrew Leopard sat in the back of the car with his head resting against the window. As the car hit bumps in the road, Andrew’s head bounced away from the window before thudding gently back against the glass. It wasn’t very comfortable, but if he sat up straight and didn’t rest his head against something, he felt sick, so he suffered the odd bumped head to avoid feeling ill.

  Maureen Leopard sat in the passenger seat with a road atlas on her lap. A set of notes was attached to the left-hand page with a paperclip. The notes showed her the route Frank Leopard wanted to take on their journey to Wales.

  ‘Move over you pillock,’ shouted Frank, as he came up behind a slow-moving car in the middle lane of the motorway. There was nothing on the inside lane and nothing in the third lane. Frank didn’t want to undertake the slow car because it was against the Highway Code. He couldn’t overtake the slow car because cars towing caravans weren’t allowed in the third lane.

  Frank sounded his horn. ‘Unbelievable. What’s the matter with some people?’ The slow car stayed in the middle lane and slowed down to about 30 miles an hour.

  Frank sounded his horn again and kept the palm of his hand pressed firmly on the switch. There were still no other cars in either of the other lanes, or up ahead, or behind them. The car in front stayed in the middle lane and slowed down to about ten miles an hour.

  Frank was livid. He flashed the slow car, but still they didn’t move over. Frank stopped to allow a gap to grow and then accelerated to about 50 miles an hour, ramming the slow car so hard that the driver lost control and skewed sideways into the third lane allowing Frank and his caravan to pass. ‘Idiots,’ blasted Frank through his open window. He threw a copy of the Highway Code at the stricken car. It landed, open, on the front windscreen.

  Andrew looked over at the crumpled slow car. Tom Hill was the driver and Pink Socks was in the passenger seat. They smiled and waved at Andrew. With the road to himself, Frank accelerated through the gears until he reached almost 100 miles an hour.

  He kept looking in his rear-view mirror. ‘What’s the matter Frank? Is there a police car behind us?’

  ‘No Maureen, you fool. Look at the caravan.’ It was slewing from side to side in an alarming fashion. Frank was still driving down the middle lane but the caravan was sliding across all three lanes. ‘I think we are going to have to stop.’

  Frank pulled over and got out for a look. Andrew and Maureen followed him wondering what the problem might be. ‘Right. There’s our problem. Flat tyre. Get the pump Andrew.’

  ‘Sorry. It’s at home.’ Andrew had put it away after blowing the tyres up before the journey. ‘A place for everything and everything in its place.’

  ‘You didn’t pack the pump. You stupid boy. What were you thinking? No wonder Pinks Socks would rather go out with Tom. You’ll never amount to anything.’

  The cutting words woke Andrew with a jolt. He sat up in bed and the horror of what had happened the night before filled his head once more. The reality was far worse than his nightmare. There was a pain in his throat like hunger, but it was worse and nothing would make it go away.

  His best friend had left the Coffee Bar with the girl he loved and Vicky Owen had seen them leave together. Her sobbing left no room for doubt. Tom and Pink Socks left arm in arm.

  Andrew’s green shoots of confidence had been crushed. He could stand up to his father, but that counted for nothing now. Since he started at Southside University, Andrew had aspired to be like Tom; the kindest, coolest, most loyal friend he had ever had. Tom had been like a brother to Andrew, sharing his deepest secrets, hopes and fears.

  For almost a year, Andrew had dreamt of being with Pinks Socks and when he finally got close to his goal, Tom had stolen her from under his nose. Tom had a massive choice of girls compared to Andrew, so why take Pink Socks away from him? She was all he ever wanted and Andrew had been talking with her for nearly an hour. He nipped into the toilet for two minutes and in that time, Tom made his first move and disappeared into the darkness with her, probably for a night of endless passion.

  The images in Andrew’s head compounded the betrayal he felt. If a stranger had left arm in arm with Pink Socks Andrew would have been gutted. If Tom had let Andrew down for any other reason, he would have been utterly deflated, but the double blow of losing his reason for living as a result of his best friend’s action was unbearable. He had lost the best two things in his life in the space of two minutes.

  Andrew could no longer sleep. He couldn’t eat. He had no energy or motivation to dress, or even get out of bed. He kept going over what had happened. He only left his room twice in the whole day, on both occasions to visit the bathroom. He saw nobody and quickly returned to his room and locked the door.

  During the morning, Brian went in the kitchen for some breakfast. He expected to see Andrew, but the kitchen was empty. Brian knocked on Tom’s door, but there was no reply. He knocked on Andrew’s door, but there was no reply so he made his own cup of tea and sat on one of the soft chairs in the corner of the kitchen eating his cereal.

  His peace was broken as the door slowly opened. Tom walked in with an embarrassed smile. ‘Bria
n.’ He nodded.

  ‘Tom. You sly bugger. You left me with a very difficult situation.’

  ‘I’m so sorry. I really am Brian, but it all happened too fast.’

  ‘I take it by your smile that you slept with her.’ Brian couldn’t hide a smile.

  ‘Yes. We spent the night together. She didn’t need me to tell her I loved her. We just clicked. We’d hardly spoken and were in bed together. We were at it for ages and then we spent the rest of the night talking.’

  ‘What happened at the Coffee Bar then?’ Brian asked.

  ‘She was sat on her own looking at me. I couldn’t take my eyes off her and I just found myself walking towards her. She stood up, linked arms with mine, and said, “Let’s go”. I didn’t need to think about it. We just went back to her place.’

  Tom’s smile was permanent. Brian had never seen him so happy. Greenpeace Badge, Vicky Owen and Sarah had made Tom happy, but this was something quite new. Before this moment, Brian had never seen such joy in Tom’s smile. But Brian had been left to pick up the pieces and Tom would need to face the consequences of his actions.

  ‘You realise Andrew and Vicky are both suicidal thanks to you?’

  Tom still smiled. He couldn’t help himself, but he did feel bad for Andrew, not so much for Vicky, because he hoped she would move on. He had been fair to her all the time and could do no more, but Andrew was very different. Despite not wanting to, Tom did feel responsible for Andrew and he knew his shy friend would be hurting now.

  ‘What happened after I left?’

  ‘Vicky cried like a baby. Andrew just sat on the wall and stared blankly into the distance.’

  ‘Ooh dear.’

  ‘Vicky’s friends eventually took her home, but Andrew didn’t move. He said nothing and kept staring at nothing.’ Brian finished his drink. ‘Want a cup of tea?’

  ‘Yes please.’ Tom had been so swept away by Pink Socks that he hadn’t stopped to think about Andrew, but the bad feeling was growing now. He had no regrets at all, but wanted to do what he could to rescue his friendship. He valued Andrew as a friend and was prepared to do whatever he could to pick him back up. But he didn’t want to turn the clock back. He had found a girl that he wanted to be with for a long time and they had already started making plans.

  Brian handed him his tea. ‘He was still there when the Coffee Bar shut. I sat with him for a bit but we didn’t speak and we walked home in silence. He went in his room and I haven’t seen him since. I’ve tried his door but he’s not answering.’

  ‘I’ll have a try.’ Tom left the kitchen with his drink, but returned two minutes later. ‘No answer.’

  Andrew stayed in his room for three days, even missing lectures. Hugh saw him visit the bathroom on the third day, but thought nothing of it, having not been told what had happened. It was only when Pink Socks came to eat in the Dickens Court kitchen with Tom, that Hugh, and the others on floor three, realised what had happened.

  ‘You bastard Tom,’ Hugh smiled. He was impressed with how unkind Tom had been to his friend. ‘How could you do that to Andrew?’

  ‘It’s not like that,’ Tom defended himself. He had already told Pink Socks how much she meant to Andrew. He didn’t feel he owed Hugh an explanation for anything, but didn’t like being accused of trampling all over his friend’s feelings. He had. That was true. But not intentionally.

  ‘If it’s not like that, why hasn’t he come out of his room for three days?’ Hugh pointed out.

  Colin Dean had seen him. ‘He has been out of his room. I saw him sat on the bench across from the grass.’

  ‘What? The grass outside Dickens Court?’ Tom asked.

  ‘Yeah. He was there ages. Just staring into the distance.’ Colin laughed.

  The next day, Andrew woke again at six in the morning, had a cup of tea and a piece of toast before walking downstairs, across the grass and sitting on the bench. He no longer wanted the solitude of his bedroom. He felt no better and could not stop his mind going over the events of the previous weekend time after time, looking for a positive explanation, but nothing came. He preferred sitting on the bench because he could watch people walking past.

  There were all sorts of people of many ages. He studied their faces. Some were happy, some were sad and others had expressions which told Andrew nothing. He sat and wondered what their lives were like. Did they have girlfriends, wives, children, pets? He imagined many things and wondered if he would ever find happiness. His confidence was shattered, but he felt a new strength. He had broken free from the control his father had over him and that had given him the strength. When previously he would have needed somebody else to tell him what he should do next, he now asked himself the big questions.

  ‘Bollocks to them all,’ he told himself. ‘So I’ve no friends and Pink Socks isn’t interested. Bollocks to them all. I’m still here. I’m not that bad looking, I’m bright. Look at all these people walking past me. They have wives and girlfriends. If they can find somebody, why can’t I?’ He was feeling defiant.

  Four hours later, the same pattern of thoughts was still running through his mind as Brian sat down with him.

  ‘Andrew. I’m not used to sitting on the bench.’ Brian couldn’t help starting with a joke. He hoped it might get a smile out of his friend. It didn’t.

  Andrew’s expression was unchanged and he carried on facing forward.

  ‘I haven’t seen you for four days.’

  ‘I’ve been thinking.’ Andrew was still staring forwards.

  ‘Has it helped?’ Brian asked, genuinely concerned.

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe.’ Andrew paused. ‘I would have trusted Tom with my life and he betrayed me. I can’t understand why he would do that? That’s the sort of thing my father would do to me. Knock me over and kick me when I’m down.’

  Brian thought for a moment before continuing. ‘I think, possibly Andrew, that you expected too much of Tom. You had issues with your father that Tom helped you with and you dealt with them eventually. But, I think, maybe, that you replaced your father with Tom. And so you expected Tom to give you what you never got from your father.’

  Andrew turned and faced Brian now, finding his theory a little hard to swallow. ‘I don’t think so. I loved Pink Socks and when I nearly had her, he took her. It’s as simple as that. He’s no friend of mine. He’s a git, so father figure bollocks. I don’t think so.’

  ‘Just a minute. That’s not fair. Let’s just suppose he fancied Pink Socks just as long as you but never said anything. Maybe he backed off for your sake. And let’s just suppose she fancied him all year and just used you to get close to him. I’m pretty sure that’s what happened, but he still helped you. Would you have done that for him if it were the other way round?’ Brian had a point.

  Andrew had been thinking about Pink Socks and Tom for four days, but this was a completely new way of looking at things. It was possible that he was so wrapped up in what he wanted that he completely discounted Tom’s needs, or even Pink Socks. ‘Okay. You have a point Brian. Doesn’t mean you’re right. But I still feel like shit and I still think Tom’s a git.’

  ‘No you don’t Andrew. He treats you better than he treats me sometimes and you know it. I’ve got a lecture. I’ll see you later.’ Brian left Andrew on the bench.

  He stayed there all day and returned the next morning.

  After his conversation with Brian, Andrew’s thoughts had changed. He still felt utterly depressed, but ready to pick a fight with the whole world. He wanted to hate Tom, but Brian had sowed the seeds of doubt in his mind. He watched the people going past. Being so close to so many people was helping him. He didn’t speak to them, but just watching the emotion in the faces of strangers gave him a sense that he was sharing their lives.

  Tom had been a good friend. Why was he directing all his anger on him but still feeling love for Pink Socks? Brian was probably right. Maybe he had broken free of his father only to replace him with Tom. He needed to break free from Tom now and the b
est way to do that would be to accept what had happened and set new goals.

  The wind was picking up. As Andrew did up the zip on his anorak, Tom sat next to him on the bench. They sat side by side, both facing forward. They said nothing. It was five days since they had been in the Coffee Bar together, but it seemed like five months to Andrew. For Tom, it seemed like five minutes. He had never been happier and the only thing he needed now was to see his friend smile.

  It was ten minutes before Tom broke the silence. He faced Andrew. ‘I’m sorry.’

  Andrew also turned to face Tom and they looked at each other for a moment before Tom went on. ‘I must have had the hots for her since the first day of term. I ignored it because you liked her.’ He waited for a reaction, but Andrew still didn’t speak. ‘I’ve got to be honest though. I don’t think you ever had any chance. She’s felt the same about me for just as long.’

  Andrew faced forward again. He wasn’t feeling angry. He could see Tom felt bad and that meant a lot to Andrew. If Tom didn’t care about him as a friend, he wouldn’t be sat next to him on the bench struggling to explain himself.

  ‘You’re right. I’ve thought about it and you’re right. I thought I loved her, but I knew nothing about her. Until the night in the Coffee Bar, I’d never even spoken to her properly. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love. It could have been anybody. It just happened to be Pink Socks.’

  ‘I think you’re spot on Andrew. And when you do meet the right girl, I think you’ve got a lot of love to give.’ Tom squeezed him affectionately on the shoulder.

  At that moment, Pink Socks walked up to the bench.

  ‘You alright Pinky?’ said Tom with a big smile.

  ‘I’m fine thanks, but I do have a problem. Maybe you could help me Andrew,’ she said.