Alien Attack!

by Alan MacDonald

  Stan swallowed hard. Professor Bird’s lessons were the subject of wild rumours around the school. Some people claimed that his methods were effective, while others whispered that he was nutty as a fruitcake. The only thing everyone agreed on was the subject Professor Bird taught: flying.

  Is there any other word that strikes such terror into the human heart?

  Most superheroes would rather eat their own earwax than have to sit an exam.

  Let’s face facts. To pass exams, you need to be one of three things:

  a) Brainy

  b) Lucky

  c) Extremely sneaky

  If, like me, you don’t happen to be a) or b), then sneakiness is your best chance.

  With X-ray vision, you need never be stuck for an answer.

  Set your time-travel device to the near future when the papers are handed back. Copy out the answers and return to begin your exam. Simples.

  Gain access to the mind of the annoying nerd sitting next to you.

  Note: if they’re thinking about chocolate, this doesn’t work so well.

  If all else fails, you can always upset that pile of completed test papers. It’s so easy to pick up the wrong one by mistake.

  Finally, remember that passing exams is actually the easy part. Getting through the practical, now that’s the bit that should keep you awake at night.

  Professor Bird was wearing a long black gown, leather gloves and a pair of ancient flying goggles on his head. He rubbed his hands together.

  ‘Excellent!’ he said. ‘Clearish sky, slight breeze, good visibility – a perfect day for flying.’

  Stan squinted up at the sky, which seemed to be the usual cloudy grey.

  He wondered how much it would have to rain before the lesson would be cancelled.

  The truth was he’d been dreading this moment ever since Miss Marbles had told them they were to have their first flying lesson. The class had gathered on the lawn beside the outdoor swimming pool, which looked like it hadn’t been used since Queen Victoria was on the throne. These days the pool was empty, with spidery cracks in the cement floor and weeds sprouting like mushrooms.

  ‘So,’ said Professor Bird. ‘Hands up, who has always wanted to fly?’

  Every hand in the class shot up, including Stan’s.

  All the same, he suspected that if he could fly he probably would have discovered it by now. He’d spent countless hours jumping off his bed but he’d never flown once or even hovered a little. To be honest, the thought of leaping from the edge of a skyscraper made him feel weak at the knees.

  ‘Of course, flying isn’t something you will master in a few short lessons,’ Professor Bird was saying. ‘It will take courage, skill and blind faith in the impossible. So to begin with, I want you to become more confident by gaining some practice.’

  Stan raised his hand.‘But, sir, what if we’ve never flown before?’ he asked.

  The Professor snorted. ‘Of course you’ve never flown before. That’s why we are here!’

  ‘Yes, but I mean, what if we, um … can’t?’ asked Stan.

  ‘Can’t?’ repeated the Professor. ‘Do you think anyone became a fearless superhero by saying “Can’t”?’

  ‘Well, no,’ mumbled Stan.

  ‘No – and besides, if you never try, you’ll never find out, will you?’ demanded Professor Bird.

  Stan shook his head, wishing the teacher would pick on someone else. He glanced at the rest of the class, most of whom looked equally nervous. Minnie was stroking Pudding’s head as if she wanted to wear a hole in it. Tank’s small brain was working overtime, trying to think of a way out of this. Norris Trimble was twisting his hanky into knots. Only Miles stared up at the sky and didn’t seem to be paying attention.

  Stan wondered what the pool was for – if the Professor wanted them to swim lengths, it would be tricky without water. He guessed that they’d find out soon enough.

  ‘So who can tell me the first rule of flying?’ asked Professor Bird.

  ‘Um … don’t look down?’ suggested Minnie.

  ‘NO, the first rule of flying is “Let go”,’ said the Professor. ‘Let go of your fears, your logical mind. Imagine you are light as a feather floating on air.’

  Stan tried to imagine it but could only think of himself falling like a stone. His ears had begun to tingle, which made him more nervous.

  ‘So, as it’s your first flying lesson, we’ll start with something easy,’ said Professor Bird. ‘Jumping off the high-diving board.’

  Stan looked up. Was the Professor out of his mind? ‘But, sir, there’s no water in the pool,’ he pointed out.

  ‘Well spotted,’ said Professor Bird. ‘But the idea is to fly, not to dive in head first. If it makes you feel better, we’ll have someone standing below to catch you.’

  The Professor asked for volunteers and Tank’s hand shot up immediately. He was stationed in the pool with two others to hold a blanket and catch children as they plummeted to earth. He smirked at Stan, happy to have escaped the high-diving board.

  Everyone else was told to line up by the steps. There was a mad scramble to avoid being first in the line. Stan found himself shoved to the front, with only Norris Trimble ahead of him. He gazed at the three flights of metal steps. It was obviously called the high-diving board for a reason. His ears were now on red alert.

  ‘Isn’t it a bit dangerous, sir?’ gulped Norris.

  ‘Nonsense!’ said Professor Bird. ‘I’ve taught this lesson for years and no one’s died yet. Relax! Let go! Enjoy yourself!’

  Stan turned and caught Minnie’s eye. They’d been asked to do some crazy things at Mighty High, but diving into an empty swimming pool beat just about everything. He wished he were wearing rocket boots or maybe some kind of parachute cape that would open up.

  Slowly he began to climb the steps behind the trembling Norris. Every footstep echoed with a dull clang.

  Reaching the top, Stan paused to get his breath back and looked down. This was a bad mistake. The ground was way below. A wave of dizziness swept over him and he grabbed hold of the handrail to steady himself.

  ‘First one, then,’ cried the Professor. ‘We haven’t got all day!’

  Norris gulped and inched out on to the diving board. Suddenly he turned round, clapped a hand over his mouth and bolted past Stan.

  There was the sound of someone being sick from a great height. Professor Bird shook his head and turned his attention to Stan.

  he shouted. ‘Let go! Imagine you’re a great eagle!’

  Stan felt more like a great-grandmother. He remembered now why he was scared of heights – they were downright dangerous. He put one foot on the diving board, which creaked under his weight. Far below he could see Tank and the others holding the blanket, which looked smaller than a paper hanky.

  What if I can’t fly? What if they don’t catch me? thought Stan. At that moment, the diving board began to wobble and shake alarmingly. Stan turned to see Miles behind him, bouncing up and down like an overexcited kangaroo.

  ‘Miles, DON’T!’ shouted Stan, struggling to keep his balance.

  ‘BOINGY BOINGY!’ cried Miles.

  ‘No, not boingy boingy,’ said Stan. ‘You’ll make us … ARGHHHHH!’

  Too late, he slipped from the board and tumbled backwards through the air.

  ‘Let go! FLY!’ yelled Professor Bird. Stan flapped his arms. The wind roared in his ears as he felt the ground rushing towards him. The next moment he crash-landed on something big and soft …

  Luckily it was Tank, who was holding the blanket.

  ‘Get off, you great numpty!’ roared Tank. Stan clambered off him, surprised to find that nothing seemed to be hurt besides Tank’s feelings. It was lucky he was so well padded.

  ‘MILES!’ It was Minnie who screamed.

  Stan looked up to see
Miles perched precariously on the end of the high-diving board. He was bouncing on his toes with his arms raised as if preparing for a double somersault. Without anyone holding the blanket, he would splat like a tomato.

  ‘Miles, wait … !’ yelled Stan, but it was no use.

  Miles looked into the sky as if expecting something, then dived through the air, hurtling towards them.

  Stan watched in astonishment as Miles swooped over their heads like a low-flying jet. He performed a neat loop-the-loop, coming gently to rest beside the swimming pool. He made it all look as simple and normal as scratching his bottom.

  ‘Whoa! That was insane!’ cried Stan. Miles nodded. ‘Captain K-Juice,’ he said, sounding a little disappointed.

  The rest of the class came running over to congratulate him, whooping and cheering.

  ‘Bravo! Superb!’ cried Professor Bird, arriving out of breath. ‘I knew it. Sooner or later I knew someone would do it!’

  Stan looked at him open-mouthed. ‘You mean that’s the first time anyone’s actually flown?’ he asked.

  ‘Of course, there’s always a first time!’ beamed the Professor. ‘Now then, who wants to go next?’

  Back at Mighty High, the rest of the week raced by, with normal lessons interrupted by Professor Bird’s flying classes. The Professor introduced a trampoline, but the success rate remained at a steady zero. (Other than Miles.)

  Miles didn’t repeat his flying episode, though Minnie and Stan often caught him hanging around by the third-floor windows. Once he even climbed on to the gym-block roof. It was as if he was expecting someone to show up.

  All too soon, Friday came round – the day of the dreaded exams. The Invincibles sat in the old library, attempting to revise.

  ‘What time is it?’ asked Stan.

  Minnie sighed. ‘Three minutes since the last time you asked,’ she said. ‘Stop fidgeting! You don’t see Pudding getting nervous.’

  ‘He’s a dog!’ said Stan. ‘He doesn’t have to take exams.’

  ‘I’m sure it will all be fine,’ said Minnie.

  ‘But what if it isn’t?’ asked Stan. ‘What if I look at the exam paper and my mind goes completely blank?’

  Exams had never been Stan’s strong point. He’d once scored minus two in a maths test. When he started at Mighty High, he’d hoped that exams would be a thing of the past, but apparently not even superheroes could escape them. Worst of all, failure meant having to leave school. Stan’s dream of becoming a real superhero would be over. He’d have to hand back his cape and return to being ordinary Stanley Button. No more – no more missions with the Invincibles.

  The most dangerous part of his day would be eating school dinners.

  Minnie was flicking through the pages of their school textbook, The Pocket Guide for Superheroes. At the back of the book was a section with multiple-choice questions.

  ‘OK, ask me something,’ said Stan.

  ‘Why can’t you sit still?’ asked Minnie.

  ‘No, I mean a test question.’

  ‘OK, what do all supervillains want?’ asked Minnie.

  ‘That’s easy – to rule the world,’ answered Stan. He hoped all the questions were as simple as this.

  ‘Correct,’ said Minnie. ‘See, it’s not so difficult. Your go, Miles. Name three uses for a pair of tights.’

  Miles was trying to get rid of a piece of paper, which seemed to be stuck like glue to his fingers.

  ‘Miles! Are you even listening?’ demanded Minnie.

  Miles looked at her blankly.

  he mumbled.

  Minnie rolled her eyes. Since the school trip at the start of the week it had been impossible to get any sense out of him. He wandered around in a dream, mumbling to himself or staring at the sky. Mostly he repeated the name and opened cupboard doors as if someone might be hiding inside.

  Minnie watched him cross to the library window.‘Don’t you think he’s been acting weird?’ she sighed.

  ‘You mean even weirder than usual?’ asked Stan.

  ‘Yes! It’s like he’s in a world of his own,’ replied Minnie.

  Stan nodded. Miles had always been a little unusual; he knew answers to questions that Stan didn’t even know existed. But recently he seemed like a complete stranger. Flying, for instance – where had he picked that up?

  ‘Maybe it’s the exams,’ Stan suggested. ‘They do funny things to people.’

  Minnie shook her head. ‘It started before that,’ she said. ‘Remember at the He disappeared, then next thing he’s wandering off down the middle of the road!’

  ‘Shh!’ whispered Stan. ‘He’ll hear you.’

  ‘I doubt it,’ said Minnie. ‘And what about the exams? The way he’s going on, he could fail completely.’

  ‘Oh, come on,’ said Stan. ‘Miles is the biggest brainiac in the class.’

  ‘Is he?’ asked Minnie. ‘Look at him.’

  Miles had his nose pressed against the window and seemed to be licking it. Suddenly he gave a gasp and banged his hands on the glass.

  Out on the road a number 9 bus was passing. A giant poster on the side carried the slogan: with the handsome face of Captain Courageous next to it.

  yelled Miles, pointing at the bus.

  Stan rolled his eyes. ‘Relax, it’s just an advert,’ he said. ‘Come and sit down.’

  But Miles didn’t seem to hear. He pressed against the window, gripping the handle. Suddenly it opened, flipping over and catapulting him outside.

  They rushed over. Fortunately the library was only one floor up, so Miles had landed safely. He was back on his feet, chasing the bus as it sped down the road.

  ‘Where are you going?’ Stan shouted. ‘Come back!’

  But Miles kept running down the drive and out of the school gates. Pudding barked, keen to join the game.

  ‘Come on,’ said Minnie. ‘We’ve got to get him back.’

  ‘NOW?’ said Stan. ‘But what about the exams?’

  ‘If we hurry we’ll be back in time,’ said Minnie, glancing at her watch.

  They had less than half an hour. Stan climbed out of the window and jumped down. Even if they didn’t miss the exams they’d probably be expelled for bunking off school. If he caught up with Miles he was going to strangle him.

  They chased Miles down the road. He was tearing along at high speed, bumping into people with his eyes fixed on the bus. Stan wondered what he planned to do if he ever caught it. What was this mad obsession with Captain Courageous? In the past he’d never mentioned the name. Now a picture on a bus sent him crazy.

  Finally the bus turned a corner and they lost sight of it. Stan bent over, out of breath.

  They had come out into a large open square. Children played around a fountain and a few people sat on benches, enjoying the afternoon sun. Stan looked around for Miles.

  ‘This is hopeless,’ he said, shaking his head. If they didn’t get back soon they would certainly miss the exam. It was at times like this he wished his superpower was travelling at the speed of light rather than oversensitive ears. Talking of which, they were tingling now.

  Minnie pointed to a billboard at the far end of the square. Miles was scaling it like a fly crawling up a wall. There seemed to be no end to the surprising things he could do.

  ‘What’s he up to now?’ groaned Stan.

  ‘Miles! Get down! You’ll break your neck!’ shouted Minnie.

  The billboard was the size of a cinema screen but Miles was reaching the top. He hauled himself up, then sat with his legs dangling either side. His stunt had started to draw a crowd. Stan, Minnie and Pudding were attracting a few odd looks too. They’d forgotten they were wearing their capes and superhero costumes.

  ‘Is it fancy dress?’ asked an old lady.

  shouted Minnie.

  ‘We are?’ said Stan.

&nb
sp; ‘Of course, we can’t just leave him,’ said Minnie. ‘If Miles can do it, so can we.’

  Stan looked up at the enormous billboard. After his experience with the high-diving board, he preferred to keep his feet on solid ground.

  ‘I’m not good with heights,’ he said. ‘You go.’

  ‘ME?’ said Minnie.

  ‘Yes, you want to rescue him.’

  Stan couldn’t see how he was meant to climb a billboard anyway. He’d need ropes, or a ladder – or better still, elastic arms like

  Minnie put her head in her hands. Apparently sitting on top of a giant billboard wasn’t dangerous enough for Miles; now he wanted to practise his tightrope walking. He rose slowly to his feet with his arms waving in the air.

  ‘The idiot! He’ll kill himself,’ moaned Minnie. ‘Do something!’

  Stan cupped his hands to his mouth. he yelled.

  ‘“Be careful”?’ said Minnie. ‘Is that it?’

  ‘It’s good advice,’ said Stan. ‘My mum says it all the time.’

  In any case, Miles wasn’t paying attention. He had one foot on the billboard and the other wobbling in mid-air. Stan couldn’t bear to watch. Miles swayed for a moment, flapped his arms wildly, then lost his balance and fell.

  People screamed. Stan hoped that Miles remembered he could fly. But he needn’t have worried because suddenly a scarlet figure zoomed out of the sky and plucked Miles from the air.