Sorrows of Adoration

by Kimberly Chapman

  Breathlessly, I stood still, my hand braced on the back of a chair. I listened intently for the sounds of violence but heard nothing. They were gone only a few minutes, but it felt like hours.

  They returned, Kurit entering first with an embarrassed look on his face. “I’m sorry, Aenna. I seem to have fallen into a habit of being rather rude to you. Forgive me,” he said.

  I closed my eyes, sighed, and nodded once. Then I heard a small noise and opened my eyes to see that Jarik had shoved Kurit towards me.

  Kurit cast a quick glare back at Jarik, who returned only a look of stone. My husband turned his gaze back to me. “Um, since we’re both invited to whatever is going on out there, well, we thought—I mean, I thought maybe, if you wish it, I could escort you there. If you want to, well, go together, that is.”

  It was obvious that Jarik had put him up to this. It was obvious that Kurit was uncomfortable with the idea of going to the opening. It was even obvious that he was struggling with the idea of spending time with me. But to be perfectly honest, I didn’t care. I put aside all those things and clung to the fact that he had offered to escort me somewhere. I could not help but smile at him.

  “I can think of nothing that would please me more,” I said to Kurit. And for a moment—a very brief flash in time—I saw a hint of happiness on his face at my acceptance.

  Then his usual, pained look returned, but nonetheless he said, “I would be honoured, then. I shall come to fetch you when it’s time to go.” He left my workroom.

  I smiled at Jarik, which made him smile in return. “Good, then,” he said. “Hopefully I’ve finally gotten through to him.”

  “What did you say in there? You didn’t hurt him, did you?”

  “Not physically, no. Though it was tempting,” he grumbled.

  “Don’t, Jarik. It was all very amusing and silly when you used to tease each other and you’d play rough with him, but, please, don’t ever lose your temper and actually hit him.”

  Jarik sat down with a sigh. “I don’t want to. He is my cousin, after all. Not to mention my King. But, Aenna, there are times when he’s cruel to you and I just want to …” He didn’t finish, but his clenched fists and set jaw made the end of the sentence fairly clear.

  I stood beside him and took one of his fists in my hands, tugging softly at his fingers until his hand relaxed. “Don’t do it. You would not be helping me. It would bother me a great deal. Don’t ever make me have to protect my husband from my dearest friend.”

  He squeezed my hand and said, “Your husband should be your dearest friend.”

  “Well, then let’s hope whatever you said did get through to him, and we’ll have a splendid afternoon.”

  A few hours later, Kurit came to my chambers to escort me to the event. His eyes were sad but clearer than usual. I suspected he had forced himself to remain sober since Jarik’s chat with him. When I took his arm, he leaned and kissed my cheek. My resulting smile must have looked ridiculous, like a giddy adolescent girl. It remained on my face the entire time it took to walk to the new marketplace.

  The smile faded into a look of bewilderment when we arrived. In the centre of the open area of the marketplace stood some tall structure, about twice Jarik’s height. It was covered in a dark cloth, and I had no idea what it was.

  I noticed others staring at it as well. A great many wealthy lords and ladies were present. They remained as far back from everything as they could, surrounded by their private guards, but more than a few seemed pleasantly curious.

  When our arrival was noticed, a cry rang out to hail the King and Queen. Every man bowed and every woman curtsied. To this day, I hate it when they do that. It always makes me blush.

  Druin proudly stepped into the centre of attention, near the mysterious cloth-draped object. He bowed charmingly to Kurit and me, glancing at me with a roguish grin the way Kurit once did. I could not help but return the smile.

  “Your Majesties, good Lords and Ladies, and all else who gather here,” he began. “I am deeply honoured to welcome you to the new Endren peasants’ market. Every care and concern has been taken to design this area …” Druin went on about the many well-planned features of the new east end. I wanted to listen, but I could not keep my mind adhered to his words. All I could think about was that my arm was in Kurit’s. I could feel the muscles of his arm against mine. I could feel the warmth of his skin under his shirt. I could feel his chest expand and contract as he breathed. I was aware of his every movement, his scent, and his heartbeat.

  In my mind, I saw him being so proud of what I had helped to accomplish that he would kiss me passionately right there in front of everyone. When I should have been listening to Druin, I instead was fantasizing about Kurit’s lips on mine, his arms around me in love and pride. Then I imagined him joyfully taking me home and leading me to his chambers, where he would slowly undress me and himself and then make love with me, over and over again, a thousand times to make up for everything that had gone wrong since I was abducted.

  I stole a glance at my beloved husband. He was watching Druin, obviously listening to what was being said. His face showed no emotion. I watched him for a few more seconds, hoping he would realize I was looking at him and favour me with a loving smile. I wanted so badly to see him smile. I wanted so badly to be naked and under him in his bed.

  I heard Druin say my name and quickly returned my attention to him in case I was being asked to speak. I prayed that I was not blushing noticeably from my daydream.

  “Her Majesty’s benevolent vision has become our reality,” Druin said. He was looking at me sincerely. “Good Queen Aenna, none of this ever would have occurred without you. You believed in us, and every man, woman, and child who lives or works in what you have built for us will know that. Your faith in us shall serve to inspire us to work diligently to make you proud. You have given us hope by virtue of your own struggles, your own path to greatness, and your enduring goodness. You have given us a chance to better ourselves. For this, we, your loyal subjects, dedicate this marketplace in your honoured name.”

  Druin and another man grabbed two pull-cords on the great cloth. When they yanked on the cords, the material split down the middle and fell, revealing a large white statue of a woman holding a child in one arm, the other arm stretched out in delighted welcome.

  It was a statue of me, and the child in my arms was my son.

  I stood still, absolutely stunned and speechless. Around me there erupted a great clamour of noise—applause, happy shouts, whistles, and even the gathered nobles spoke in pleased tones amongst themselves. I just stared at it, mouth agape like a fool. It was a few moments before I realized there was writing on the statue’s base. It read:

  Good Queen Aenna

  Who had faith in every Keshaerlan

  Who gave of herself that we all may prosper

  “By the Gods themselves,” I whispered in awe.

  “Apparently you’ve almost become a Goddess yourself,” Kurit said, having heard my whisper. “I wonder if these people even have the faintest idea who I am.” He moved his arm out of mine.

  I was about to ask Kurit if he meant to sound as ridiculously envious as he did when Druin came to my side. I forgot about Kurit’s words for the moment and said to Druin, “What is this? This is not right. I’m flattered, but really, Druin, I—”

  “Your Majesty, this is our tribute to you for all that you have done for us.”

  “But I hardly did a thing, compared to most of you! I lifted no stone, I designed no buildings. It was the people’s work that brought them their new homes. It is important to me that this be recognized.”

  Druin smiled handsomely. “Majesty, forgive my bluntness but you are too modest. None of this would have been without you. It was your vision. It was you who found the funding, paid for the materials, and originated the very idea of it all. But beyond that, it was your insistence that things could be better that inspired us to work for ourselves.”

  I shook my head at him
but could not find the words to express how strange I felt, seeing myself immortalized in stone with a reverent inscription beneath. I approached the statue and looked up at it. It was a good likeness. Even Raelik’s happy little cheeks seemed almost alive, though they were made of colourless stone. The pose was clearly taken from the day I had spun around like a silly girl in the great empty room that had just been finished. One of those that had been present must have described the scene to the sculptors.

  I put my hands to my face and felt tears on my cheeks. I was so moved at this incredible tribute that I had begun to quietly weep and had not even noticed.

  “I told you that your name would be remembered in history for this,” said Jarik, standing close beside me.

  “This is why you kept me in the palace.”

  He nodded. “I know very well that, had you found out about this, you would have gone to great lengths to stop it. You’re far too self-deprecating and absurdly modest to have let such a thing be established.”

  “Indeed. This shouldn’t be.” I couldn’t take my eyes from it.

  I felt his hand gently squeeze my shoulder. “It should be, and it is. They adore you, Aenna. Let them adore you. You’re their Queen, and you have bestowed a great gift upon them. Stop being the barmaid playing dress-up and start thinking of yourself as a Queen. Don’t be embarrassed by your subjects’ affection. Delight in it.”

  I turned to him. His kind and loving eyes made me smile. “Now brush your little tears away, Aenna, and come be with your people. There are many who wish to congratulate you.” He led me around from person to person. Many a wealthy merchant expressed their delight in the possible prosperity of the poor, for they knew as I had that their own businesses would benefit from a larger customer base. Some noblemen seemed still sceptical, but all were at least gracious and offered congratulations.

  When finally I found Kurit again, he was standing off to the side, his arms crossed over his chest. I resisted the urge to skip girlishly to him, and instead walked slowly and majestically.

  “Kurit, I can’t believe this is all happening to me. I never could have imagined it!” I said in an excited whisper when I was at his side.

  He did not look at me. He just stared at the statue with a vaguely annoyed look on his face.

  “Kurit, what is it?” I asked. When he didn’t answer, I said, “I know, the statue is a bit much. I really could have lived without that. It’s very kind, but it’s frightfully embarrassing.” Still, he said nothing. He just stared at it.

  I touched his cheek softly, knowing the public affection was not entirely appropriate, but I didn’t care. When he still did not even favour me with a glance, I tried to unfold his crossed arms to hold his hand. He was as rigid as the statue that held his eye.

  “Kurit, please, what is it? If that statue offends you, I’ll order it torn down. Please, your face is so cold. I was so happy when you brought me here, my arm in yours. And your little kiss before we left, Kurit, that swept my heart away. I love you so very much. Your love is the most important thing in my life.”

  Finally, he did turn his head to me. He moved slowly, as though it were a great effort to force himself to look at the real me after seeing the white stone version. His eyes were cold and hard, and their jealous stare made me step back and shudder. Then, in a voice dark with resentment and anger he said, “You don’t need my love, Aenna. You have all of Endren’s rabble for that.”

  Before I could so much as drop my jaw in surprise at his vicious words, he turned on his heel and walked away. I stood there, watching him leave, unable to breathe. I felt as though he had kicked me in the chest and left me to suffocate.

  When he was out of sight, I managed to gasp in a breath. It made me dizzy, and I felt faint. The ground seemed to wobble under my feet as though the stones were becoming water. I felt as though I were a lost child in the crowd, unsure of who or where I was, panicked and alone.

  Then Jarik was beside me, his hands fast around my arm to steady me. I let myself fall against him. He held me up, trying to do so in such a way that would not attract attention.

  “What did that miserable wretch say to you?” he growled.

  I could not answer. I could barely breathe, let alone speak. I stared at the ground, longing for it to open and swallow me to end my agony.

  Jarik shook me as though to prevent me from fainting. Perhaps I was.

  “Aenna!” he said in a loud whisper. “Aenna, breathe. Come now, look at me and breathe.” He lifted my face to his. The sight of his angry, concerned eyes made me shiver. I stood back from him in an effort to compose myself. The ground soon became stable, though I still longed to be buried in it.

  “What did he say?” Jarik asked again.

  I could not bear to repeat it. “He is jealous,” I managed to say.

  “Jealous? Of what? The attention you’re receiving? You have earned it, Aenna. Or is he jealous that you have given so much of yourself to these people?”

  I shook my head, not knowing the answer. “I don’t understand it, Jarik. All I know is that he has been poking at me with sharp little jabs for so long now, and now today he has taken that knife and driven it into my heart.”

  My Champion’s face took on a look of anguish. I could almost hear his heart breaking for me. “Let me take you home,” he said softly. “Let me take you where I can hold you and comfort you.”

  I put my arm in his, and we began to walk away. “I cannot weep in your arms, Jarik, much as it would comfort me to do so. I must not allow myself to become so weak that I need that.”

  “Aenna, there’s no shame in needing a friend,” he said quietly as we walked.

  I said nothing in reply. I could not tell him that I didn’t want to let him hold me because I felt as though it were a tease to him. I knew he loved me. It was unfair for me to allow him to be so affectionate when by all that was right I should have been pushing him away that he might learn to love someone else. So when we reached my chamber door, I silently went inside and did not ask him in. I closed the door as he stood in the hall, looking at me with sadness and love.

  Chapter 17

  WITH THE CONSTRUCTION of the new east end over, I had less excuse to leave the palace and ended up staying within its walls more often. As a result, I suffered severe bouts of depression, especially once the snow began to fall. When the weather had grown too cold and snowy to walk about the city with Jarik, I took to hiding in my chambers, only leaving them to be with my son in his nursery. Some days, I did not even leave my bed until Leiset threatened to have Jarik come and dump me out of it.

  One day I remained there despite her threats. I stared at the sunlight on the wall, watching its pattern change as the hours passed. When mid-afternoon came, Leiset entered with Tash.

  I looked at the grim physician and said, “There is nothing wrong with my health. Leave me be.”

  Tash ignored me, as was his wont. Leiset recited my symptoms of depression—lack of appetite, restless sleep, listlessness, ennui, and so forth. Tash shooed her away and began his poking and prodding and litany of questions. I answered him curtly, hoping he’d just go away.

  “Your Majesty, you are correct that there is nothing wrong with you physically. But there will soon be if you continue this. If you suffer so at being in this palace, may I suggest that you travel elsewhere for a short time?”

  “It’s the middle of winter, Tash,” I grumbled.

  “Indeed. There are lovely snowy landscapes to behold on your way.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Yes, you are. Choose a destination. I’m going to tell Leiset right now to pack your bags and arrange for your transportation.”

  “Don’t you give me orders, Tash,” I snapped.

  He chuckled. “That’s better. Come then, Aenna. Be angry with me. Get out of this bed and pull rank and push me around the room. Let’s see some of that old fire.”

  I glared at him. “Your games won’t work on me. You’re not helping.”
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  “Someone has to motivate you out of this bed. Perhaps I’ll send a message to your friend Lord Cael to come and drag you to Staelorn.”

  I sat up in fury. “Don’t you dare! I am not an errant child in need of a lesson!”

  Tash leaned close to me, his nose a mere finger’s length from my own, and said, “Then stop acting like one.”

  My blood boiled. I flipped myself out of the other side of the bed and shouted, “Fine, then!” I opened the door to the receiving room where Leiset stood. “Pack our bags, Leiset!” I commanded. “Send a message to Cael that we wish to come visit him in Staelorn.”

  I turned back to Tash and said, “Don’t look so smug. You have not won! I am going only to prove to you that it will not help. My problem is not these walls nor this city nor the dullness of winter. My problem sleeps in that room,” I snarled, pointing to the door between Kurit’s bedchamber and my own. “I’ll take a little trip as you suggest. I might even feel better when I return. But mark my words, unless the Gods favour him with the sense to remember he has a wife who loves him, anything gained by this trip will be as dust blowing out of my hands.”

  As soon as I stopped speaking, I was ashamed that I had been so barefaced about the problems with Kurit. I rubbed my aching head with both hands as I muttered to Tash leave me be so I could dress myself.

  We left the next day. I decided not to take Raelik along, since I was unhappy and did not want him to see me that way for extended periods of time. Leiset and I rode in a small coach that had runners instead of wheels so it could be pulled along in the snow. Jarik rose his horse alongside the coach with the other guards.

  I watched my Champion out of the coach’s window. His face was grim as he rode. He had not spent much time with me during these weeks of depression. When he had tried, I had gently pushed him away. As I watched him ride, I felt guilty and wondered if I had hurt his feelings in my attempts to protect his loving heart.