Sorrows of Adoration

by Kimberly Chapman

  There was something very alluring about the sight of him on his horse. He looked very much the warrior in his armour, his sword strapped to his side and his shield to his back. He embodied the image of every good warrior from every bard’s song or written tale, except that he wore no long, flowing cape because he considered them a hindrance to his mobility. His hair fluttered in the wind, swept back from his face in a dark, rippling cascade.

  I noticed flecks of white in the dark beard around his mouth and chin. I realized they were bits of ice and snow. The rest of him was well bundled against the cold, but he didn’t like to have hats, scarves, or any other clothing around his head. He said it interrupted his view of what was around him.

  “He must be freezing his poor cheeks off,” I said. “He should be in here with us.”

  “He knew he was welcome,” replied Leiset. “He’s been keeping his distance out of respect. He wants to comfort you, you know.”

  I nodded, still looking at him. “I can’t let him do that.”

  “Why not? He adores you.”

  “Precisely. You’ve answered your own question.”

  Leiset sighed. “Aenna, pushing him away will not stop his worry for you. It makes it worse. He’s taken to standing guard outside your door again. He can no more shut off his adoration of you than you can stop loving Kurit.”

  I turned to her quickly. “Don’t even say that,” I snapped. “Don’t speak to me of loving Kurit.”

  “Very well. I’ll let Lord Cael talk some sense to you,” she said. “But I will say this: I care about what is happening to you. Jarik cares about what is happening to you. We’re your friends, Aenna. We want to help you. Don’t shut us out in an attempt to appear strong on your own. You’re not fooling us.”

  I turned back to the window. By the Temple, Jarik looked handsome as he rode—so strong, so solid. I found myself wishing Kurit were more like his cousin. I tried to envision my husband on a horse in Jarik’s place, but my only mental image was that of him riding frantically, calling my name when I was abducted. My heart sank at the thought. I fell silent for most of the remainder of the journey.

  The only other time I spoke was to point out to Leiset the Traveller’s Torch as we passed it. I wondered if anyone there remembered me. Of course, they would know who I was now, but I wondered if they remembered the barmaid who had run off one night without explanation. I had half hoped that we would end up staying at that inn overnight, but another one had already been selected and prepared for us.

  * * *

  I spent just over a week at Staelorn. I was introduced to Cael’s entire family, including his seven children. They were all very kind, and I did my best to appear jovial in their company.

  Cael spent a great deal of time alone with me, trying to break me out from behind the walls I had built around my soul. He was patient and kind yet relentless in his digging. Eventually I crumbled before him. I did not speak of Kurit’s drinking, nor did I detail any of his insults. I simply let Cael hold me—as I imagined a father or brother would have done—as I wept and told him that I felt as though my marriage was dying.

  “Aenna, dear, this isn’t your fault. It’s not even really Kurit’s, from what you’ve told me. I know that man. I’ve known him since he was an infant. He’s gone through short heartaches before. He’s always returned to his silly self in time. He will again,” said Cael as he let me weep on his shoulder.

  “I don’t think so, Cael. This is not a childhood fit. He has been like this since shortly after I escaped from Wusul.”

  Cael looked at me in astonishment. “That long? Kurit? I do not imagine you to be untruthful, Aenna, but that is nonetheless difficult to believe.”

  “It is the truth. And coming here to escape it might do me a few days good, but when I go home it will be the same. He has forgotten how to love me.”

  Cael took my hands between his own. “Then remind him, Aenna. Now, I don’t mean to be crude, but remind him physically, and the emotion will follow. If he will not come to your bed, go to his. Seduce him, if you must. Remind him of the pleasure and joy of love. I remember well the desire in his eyes on your wedding day. Again, I don’t mean to be vulgar, and forgive me if I am, but you need to rekindle the flame of his desire. Whatever you did on your wedding night, do that again. Entice him out of his despondency. You are a very beautiful woman, Aenna. Use your charms on him, and he shall remember the rest on his own.”

  He rose, kissed my cheek gently, and left me to consider his words. I did so for a long time. Soon, I grew hopeful that he might be right. Kurit had certainly appreciated my sexual appetites before I had been abducted. I envisioned going to his room dressed in a revealing nightdress and enticing him. I remembered how he had lusted for the sway of my hips while we stayed at the royal cottage after our wedding. I devised in my mind a scheme to remind him of his desire, as Cael had recommended.

  By the end of my stay, I was filled with a new hope and happiness. I thanked Cael many times for his wise advice. The dear man only winked roguishly each time, always making me laugh. As we said our good-byes, he leaned to me and whispered, “When next I come to Endren for Council, I expect to see your waistline growing with your next child.”

  I felt a blush rise in my cheeks and looked at him with a reproachful smile. He laughed loudly and sent us merrily on our way home.

  I confided my plan to Leiset as we travelled home, and she was elated to hear it. She said with enthusiasm that she’d have the tailor make me an alluring nightdress.

  “I knew Cael would get through to you, Aenna.” She laughed. “I just hope he didn’t have the gall to have suggested this plan of attack himself.”

  I didn’t answer, but my face gave his guilt away.

  “By the Temple, he’s a wretched knave,” Leiset said. “But if takes a foul-mouthed beast to make you smile hopefully like that, then I suppose he’s forgivable. Even Jarik’s less fretful. When he heard you laugh at dinner that first time, I thought his face was actually going to glow brighter than the lamps!”

  I smiled and looked out the window at him. He still looked serious and handsome as he rode but was noticeably more relaxed in his saddle. “He’s in love with me, you know.” I said bluntly.

  “Yes. He has been for some time,” Leiset replied. Her tone had become serious.

  “I don’t know what to do about it.”

  “There’s nothing you can do, Aenna. He’s a grown man. He knows you’re married. He’ll never sacrifice his honour to do anything untoward.”

  “Oh, I’m not worried about that. I just feel badly that he is condemning himself to loneliness.”

  “Don’t. The Queen’s Champion isn’t supposed to marry anyway. Well, it has happened under certain circumstances. It’s not a law. But it’s not considered a good idea. A Champion must always be available to protect his royal lady. If he marries another, he could become distracted. Jarik is the type of man who would have dedicated his life to you whether or not he fell in love with you.”

  I sighed. “But still, even if he didn’t marry, he could still …” I wasn’t sure how to phrase myself without earning a lecture from Leiset on vulgarity.

  “He could still be with other women in his spare time?” she asked, surprising me.

  “Well, yes.”

  Leiset shook her head. “I don’t think he has been interested in dalliances since knowing you. Don’t fret for him, Aenna. He seems to quite well enjoy his duty. He may be miserable when you’re miserable, but when you’re happy he’s in his glory. Don’t worry about Jarik. He can care for his own heart. Concentrate on Kurit. Kurit needs your attention now.”

  A few nights after our return, Leiset presented me with what the tailor had wrought. I blushed at the sight of it, knowing full well the funny little man must have suspected the garment’s intent. When I put it on, it revealed the tops and inner sides of my breasts, and though the length of it reached nearly the floor, the sides were slit up to the middle of my hips. The material was
a gauzy white fabric, through which my dark nipples could faintly be seen.

  I stood before the mirror with Leiset, who shook her head in mock disapproval.

  “By all that’s sacred,” she muttered, “even I have lustful thoughts for you.”

  I smiled at her. “I’m not your type, Leiset.”

  She shrugged. “No, but my beautiful Zayel would be jealous if she knew I was seeing you in this.”

  I laughed. “I won’t tell her. She doesn’t fancy speaking with me anyway, I’ve noticed.”

  “Ignore her. She’s been snippy lately,” Leiset muttered.

  “Probably because you’ve been spending all your time fretting over me.”

  “That’s my duty, Aenna.”

  I hugged my dear friend. “Perhaps, but you always go beyond your duty. Hopefully tonight will be an end to this nonsense with Kurit, and you’ll be able to worry more about your personal life than mine for a change.”

  “I saw light in his workroom on my way through the Great Hall just now,” Leiset said. “And judging from the lack of light beneath the door here, I’d guess he’s not yet in his room.”

  “Then I shall wait for him in his room,” I said, admiring myself again in the mirror.

  “In a tawdry pose upon his bed, no doubt?” Leiset chided.

  I laughed, and she left my bedchamber. After a last glance in the mirror, I went into Kurit’s room.

  As we had suspected, he was not yet there. I lit two small lamps—enough light that he could see me, but dark enough to provide an enticing atmosphere. Then I worked myself into what I imagined to be a sensual pose upon his bed and waited for him to arrive.

  I could smell the mingled scents of his hair, his particular mixture of bath salts, and his skin in his bed. I pulled his favourite pillow to me and hugged it for a moment. I inhaled deeply of his scent and became incredibly aroused, despite the small scent of alcohol that was also present. I decided to ignore that.

  I found myself remembering how wonderful it had been to sleep in his strong arms, enveloped in his touch and his scent. I put the pillow back down and stared at the canopy of the bed, thinking of how I had often seen it while he made love with me here. I imagined him finding me soon and making love with me again. I pictured him throwing his head back in his moment of joy in me, flipping his hair back in that way that drove me mad for him. I heard him in my mind, whispering and moaning my name in delight, calling me his wicked little klysh.

  I ran my hand over my breasts and found my nipples were almost painfully stiffened by my desire. Feeling rather naughty, I indulged myself to touch them as he used to—teasing my fingers around them. The thought of his lips there made me whisper out his name in lust.

  The sound of his voice in the outer room broke me from my fantasy. I quickly resumed my pose just before he opened the door and entered.

  He came in and tossed some papers on his dresser, not even noticing that I was there. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. When he turned around to look towards the decanter on the table, he noticed me on his bed and was momentarily startled.

  “Curse it, Aenna, you’re so quiet there I didn’t even know you were in the room,” he said. He didn’t sound angry, just surprised.

  I smiled at him. “I thought I’d surprise you.”

  “You did.”

  I laughed softly, a throaty little laugh to let him know my intent. “I’ve been waiting for you. You were working late.”

  “What of it?” He eyed the decanter and glass.

  I rose from the bed and stood such that I was blocking the view of his liquid mistress. His eyes moved over my gown, but his face showed no emotion.

  “Do you like it?” I asked softly. “I had it made just for tonight.”

  “Why? What’s tonight?”

  I slid my hands gently around the back of his neck and pressed myself to him. “Tonight is the night I remind you that you have a wife who deeply desires you.” I moved to kiss him, but the instant my lips brushed his he pulled himself from my embrace.

  “That’s very sweet, Aenna, but I’m really tired right now. I just want to go to bed.”

  Not to be deterred so easily, I gave him a naughty look and said, “I just want to go to your bed as well.”

  He sighed and sat in his chair. I caught him giving another glance towards the alcohol and wondered if perhaps he had spent his evening sober whilst working and was now frustrated because I was preventing him from rewarding himself with drunkenness. I moved myself again so that I was blocking the tempting view.

  “Didn’t you miss me while I was gone to Staelorn?” I asked in a mock pout.

  He shrugged. “You were out of the palace almost as much while you built your famous marketplace,” he muttered.

  I pushed his sting aside in my mind. “But I was gone so far away. You weren’t concerned for me at all?” I spoke in a hushed voice that I hoped he would find enticing.

  “I didn’t worry about you. I knew that Jarik was with you. I know he doesn’t take his eyes off of you.”

  Another jab, and again I ignored it. I told myself that I needed only to weather a few more such comments, for once I convinced him to make love with me, he would remember his love and stop lashing out at me.

  I leaned to him, putting my hand on the back of the chair behind his shoulder. I knew full well that the angle would give him a nice view of my breasts, so I moved my shoulders slightly to make them sway just enough to catch his eye. It worked, but not as I had hoped. His eyes flashed to them for a moment, but then he looked back at my face without even changing his expression.

  I leaned to kiss him, but he turned away from me. So I kissed his cheek with slightly parted lips. He did not react, so I stood back up and resisted the urge to sigh in frustration.

  “Come now, Kurit,” I purred at him, “Surely you can’t resist me all night.” I took his hand from the armrest of the chair and placed it against my thigh, between the split parts of the gown. I moved my hips slowly as I lifted his hand up my thigh to my hip. As I held it there, I swayed seductively as I had in the meadow at the cottage. “Surely you remember how this used to make you want to chase me and take me like a hungry beast.”

  “You’re being rather unseemly, Aenna,” he muttered, pulling his hand away from me.

  I blinked at him in surprise. Not only was my attempt to entice him clearly not working, but he actually seemed put off by me. My confidence dissipated. “Unseemly? Did I hear you correctly? Did you just call me unseemly?” I asked in shock.

  His face became bitter and hard. “Yes,” he snapped. “Do you not know what the word means?”

  I stepped back away from his chair. My hands rose to my chest in shock and dismay. “Kurit, I’m well aware of your predilection for spitefulness when you haven’t had your drink, but that is terribly cruel. You used to tell me that I was beautiful and sensual and that you were delighted that I enjoyed our lovemaking. Now you find me unseemly?”

  He rolled his eyes as though I were a nuisance of a child. “You’re a mother now, Aenna. It is inappropriate to be so … so …”

  “Sexual?” I finished. “Kurit, are you saying you never want to be with me again? That you wish for no more children? I regretfully inform Your Majesty that children do not grow in the garden!”

  He shot out of his chair and stormed over to his precious decanter. He poured himself a fast glass of whatever dark brown alcohol was inside and drank it back. He kept his back to me as he did so.

  I became furious in my sexual frustration as much as by his cruelty. “Kurit, I suspect the problem is not me, but more that you’re such a drunkard of late that you cannot function as a man,” I spat.

  He poured himself another glassful and muttered, “Don’t be vulgar, Aenna.”

  I threw my hands in the air in exasperation. “Oh, splendid. First I’m unseemly, and now I’m vulgar.” I put my hands on my hips and muttered, “But I should not be surprised.” I walked to the table with the decanter and stood
in front of him as he drank. “After all, why would I be the least bit attractive to you when you have this?” I held up his decanter, and he watched me dangerously, as a dog eyes anyone approaching his food dish.

  I held the decanter in one hand and stroked it sensually with the fingers of the other. “This, your lovely mistress, who dulls your pain and asks nothing in return.” I put it back hard on the table. “She can have you,” I snapped. “I’ve grown weary of trying to attract your attentions away from her. Fear not, husband, I shall no longer approach you in these ‘unseemly’ ways. I’ll become as cold and distant as your precious mother—whom I know says awful things about me to you every day, and you don’t defend me.”

  He glared at me, glass in hand, but said nothing.

  “Is that what you want then, for me to stop hassling you with my ‘vulgar’ behaviour? Fine!” I went to the door between our bedchambers and then turned again to look at him in fury. “And the next time you do manage to feel yourself rising to the occasion, as it were, you can stick it in that decanter for all I care. Make love to your mistress, Kurit, because you won’t be doing so with me.”

  I exited and slammed the door behind me. My fury turned immediately to sadness as I let go of the knob and leaned back on the rough wood of the door. I sighed in frustration and sadness.

  Suddenly, there was a crash against the door. I screamed and jumped away from the movement and the sound. Dark alcohol leaked underneath the door into my own room. I knew in an instant that he had hurled the heavy glass decanter against the door in his fury at my words. I shrank back in fright just as Leiset and a guard ran into my bedchamber. I threw my arms over my chest and abdomen to hide my barely-clothed form.

  “Majesty, are you hurt?” the guard asked.

  I shook my head. “I’m not hurt. But there must be broken glass all over his room.”

  Leiset looked from the growing puddle under the door to me and asked, “What in the name of the Temple happened?”

  I could not speak of it. I closed my eyes and began to sob in fear and depression. Leiset ushered the guard out of the room and said, “I’ll fetch Jarik. Don’t cry, Aenna. Everything will be fine.” Her voice wavered, and I knew she believed nothing of the sort.