Out of Formation

by Ella Fox

  I’ve come this far—it won’t be much longer now. Only one more school year separates me from making my play for her. The way I feel about her isn’t small or temporary—if she’ll have me I mean to make this permanent. Less than a year now, I remind myself. As I head down the stairs to the kitchen I chant I think I can; I think I can in my head.

  For the first time in the two years since I realized how deeply I feel for her, I’m not sure I believe that chant anymore. My once iron will is cracking by the hour.

  Chapter 5

  Elena- Present

  My stomach is in knots as I pull down the drive at Nanny and Pop’s house and park my car next to Colin’s black Jeep Grand Cherokee Trailhawk. This is the first time I’ve been to the house since the day things blew up and I left in a huff, which also means it’s the first time I’ve been here since the days following the funeral. The emotion of knowing that Nanny and Pop won’t be inside is colliding with the anxiety of having to see Colin again and both are making me feel less prepared to deal with this.

  Gathering up my courage, I turn off my car, get out and inhale. The scent of Nanny’s heirloom roses soothes my soul enough that I’m able to feel a bit calmer. I can do this. Hell, I have to do this because it isn’t like I can avoid him forever. We own a home together, after all.

  Night After The Funeral

  “Yummy,” I groan as I set the sugared lemon I sucked after taking a lemon drop shot down on a bar napkin.

  “Good stuff, right?”

  I grin and give Lolo the thumbs up. “Delicious,” I answer. “In fact, I might even have another.”

  “You should slow your roll so you don’t wind up praying to the porcelain god later.”

  Lolo, Sam, and I all burst out laughing at the same moment.

  “In the last two hours I’ve nursed one beer and now I’ve taken one shot. I’m not anywhere near drunken puke status,” I assure him.

  “Funny that you haven’t had a peep to say about the two beers I’ve had or the three fingers of Glenorangie in my glass right now,” Sam points out.

  Colin looks abashed for a fraction of a second before he grins and makes a dismissive gesture. “I’m fairly certain that Irish whiskey runs through your veins,” he jokes. “We all know you could drink at least half this bar under the table without breaking a sweat.”

  Sam raises her glass in a mock toast. “Factual,” she concedes before taking a sip. “Doesn’t change the fact that a beer and a shot aren’t going to put your Little Bird down, though.”

  Colin coined the nickname Little Bird for me during the first year I lived on the Findlay property. He’d started calling me that because I used to swing on the elaborate wooden swing set the Findlays had installed in the yard for me for hours on end. He used to joke that I spent more time in the air than on the ground—something that became even funnier when I took up cheerleading and became a fly girl.

  Sam and Colin have some kind of weird stare-off for a few seconds before he inclines his head at her in concession.

  It’s not like he can really deny it since it’s very noticeable that Colin is protective of me—more so in the last few years than ever. For some reason he seems to worry more now than he did at any point in time before.

  “Who’s up for a game of pool?” he asks.

  I’m up and off my bar stool in a blink. “Me! I’m breaking.”

  The three of them laugh in unison. “Of course you are!” Lolo snorts. “We don’t call you the ball breaker for nothing.”

  I shrug as we begin walking back to the game room that holds four pool tables, six pinball machines and three dartboards. On the weekend, the bar is jam-packed but since it’s a weeknight we’re able to go right to an empty table.

  We pair off as we always do—Team SamLo and Team ColEna. We’re evenly matched and we all play the same way because Pop is the one who taught us how right at his prized mahogany pool table in the basement.

  The way we do it is that after the first round the top two players on either team play each other. Colin and I win the first round but since he sank more balls, he’s facing off against Sam. After taking a seat at one of the pub tables against the wall, Lolo and I place an order with the waitress for two more lemon drop shots. After the waitress goes to the bar to put in our order, Lolo turns her attention to me.

  “Are you ready for tomorrow?”

  I scrunch up my nose in confusion. “What’s tomorrow?”

  “Will reading,” she reminds me.

  I nod. “Oh, yeah. I was more worried about getting through today. Honestly, I was surprised when Sam’s dad said I was included in it at all.”

  She frowns as she traces her index finger in an infinity pattern on the tabletop. “It’s always hard, even when you know what to expect. After my father died and everything was said and done, the thing that hit me the hardest was the will reading. It made it final for me—more than the funeral, even. I’m not sure why.”

  “I can see that,” I say as the waitress slides our two shots onto the table. After paying her, we quickly clink shot glasses before downing the deliciously cold shot and sucking on the sugar-covered lemon wedges to finish the drink off. For the next few minutes, we sit and cheer on Colin and Sam as they blow through their lightning round of pool. When it’s all over, Sam is the victor. They high-five before they start going about the re-setting of the table. Once they hang the sticks back in place on the wall, they stand huddled together to talk instead of coming directly to the pub table Lolo and I are at. As the minutes pass without them coming back, I turn to Lolo for a read on the situation. “It looks like they’re discussing world peace.”

  She snorts and watches them for about two seconds before she shrugs. “They’re wrapping it up now,” she declares.

  I see no signs that they’re anywhere near finished but damn if she isn’t right since they’re headed back this way. The three of them read each other so well it’s a little like dealing with triplets who have groupthink.

  Lolo and I stand from our seats and grab our purses as they walk our way. Although Colin and I have nothing on our agendas, Sam and Lolo both need to work in the morning and it’s after midnight now. Even though I took a three-hour nap, I feel exhausted. The last lemon drop shot has me feeling languid, so I’m mostly quiet as we walk to the parking lot. After exchanging hugs with the girls, Colin and I settle into his car. I love being in the car alone with Colin, especially at night when it’s like being in a little cocoon. His Dave Matthews Band playlist is on and right now “Satellite” is playing through the speakers. I yawn as I lean back against the headrest.

  “Sometimes I wonder if you’d be able to sleep around the clock if no one woke you up,” he says.

  “Maybe,” I chuckle as my eyes drift shut.

  The sound of his car door closing wakes me up a few minutes later. I have just enough time to take my seatbelt off before Colin opens the door for me. “Thought I might have to carry you in,” he says.

  His husky voice causes an immediate surge of desire to race through my body. Anxious to hide my stiffening nipples I lean forward and grab my purse. Since my bra isn’t padded and I’m wearing a fitted off-the-shoulder emperor blue top, I know damn well that they’re visible. I clutch my purse to my chest as I step out of his car. The second I put my foot down, I realize my error. Because I didn’t look down, I didn’t notice where Colin’s feet were. The hands I’m clutching my purse with immediately go wide as my foot goes out from under me and I try to balance myself as I start to fall. Colin grabs me and keeps me from going down entirely, but I can already feel my ankle swelling.

  My purse is now down on the asphalt but I couldn’t care less because my ankle is throbbing. I know this feeling well since I’ve sprained my ankles cheerleading half a dozen times over the years. The good news is that I’ve got a few ankle braces upstairs in my room here, so at least there’s that. Clutching at Colin’s shirt, I look up at him.

  “I dropped my purse and I think I sprained my an
kle. I’ll need to lean on you to make it into the house.”

  “The hell you will,” he growls.

  Before I can ask what the heck that means, he’s swinging me up into his arms. I startle when he tilts me back and says, “Grab the purse, Little Bird.”

  Once I reach out my free arm and grab my purse, he closes the car door with his foot and strides toward the side door. This is the one door that Nanny and Pop allowed him to install an electronic door lock. They’d both chosen to eschew the keypad in favor of a traditional key but Colin and I both favor entering the code. When we get to the door, I quickly press the buttons to unlock it. Inside the house, he takes me directly to the living room before setting me down on the couch.

  “First let’s get your shoes. Then you can elevate it and I’ll go make an ice pack,” he says as he helps me into a comfortable position. My shoes are easy to remove since I’m wearing a simple pair of slip on leather sandals. Tossing the shoes to the side, Colin crouches down to check out my foot. I hold in a shiver when his hand wraps around my lower leg just above my ankle. Lifting up gently, he looks at the ankle. I’ve got on a pair of black jean shorts and the warmth of his palm against my skin feels electric.

  “It’s definitely swollen,” he says quietly. “Are you certain it’s just a sprain? We can head to Urgent Care to have this checked out.”

  I shake my head. “It’s definitely a sprain. Sadly I know the feeling well. After I ice it for twenty minutes, if you can take me upstairs so I can pull out one of the ankle braces I keep here. I never wear them to bed but if I’m awake, I can use it for a few minutes.”

  He nods as he grabs two of the decorative pillows on the couch and uses them to elevate my foot. “I’m going to go grab the ice. Do you want me to bring you back anything else?”

  “Two ibuprofen would be great.”

  He returns two minutes later with the ice pack, the pain relievers and a bottle of water, which he opens before handing it to me. I make quick work of swallowing the ibuprofen as he carefully places the ice pack on my swollen ankle.

  “So you’re an old hand at sprains?” he asks as he sits down on the wooden coffee table. The way he’s chosen to sit allows him to keep the ice pack in place. I’m selfishly enjoying the way he’s taking care of me.

  “It’s kind of an occupational hazard. It’s one of the reasons I’m okay with the upcoming season being my last. It takes a toll in a lot of ways but for me, the biggest issue has been my ankles. You’d know better than anyone how hard any sport is on the body,” I point out.

  He lets out a dry laugh as he nods. “So true. I loved football, but I’m not sure I’d have played professionally if I’d known going in that I’d be tearing my ACL. Even though I had surgery, I’ll need to be careful with it for the rest of my life. There’s a reason pro-ballers get such big paychecks. Between the back, knees, ankle, tendon, and head injuries, most players aren’t lucky enough to rock a fifteen-year career like Tom Brady.”

  “Do you miss it?”

  Colin shrugs as he moves the ice pack a bit to the right. “Not as much as I might have had I not wound up coaching. I still love the game—it’s just in a different way now.”

  “Do you plan to stay where you are?”

  “Coaching jobs in Division I teams aren’t a dime a dozen. Right now I’m there but if something else came up…”

  I swallow and look away, a flutter of panic in my chest as I consider what it would feel like if he moved across the country. I’ve tried not to focus on it, but I’d be lying if I said I’m not scared about what the loss of Nanny and Pop will mean about our future. Will I still see Colin or will we fade out of each other’s lives? I don’t want to lose him, ever.

  “Hey,” he says softly as he sets his free hand down on my leg. “Where’d you go?”

  I sniffle and try to regain my composure as I swipe my fingers under my eyes. “It’s just me being a crybaby,” I answer. “I was just wondering how often I’ll get to see you now, especially if you took a job thousands of miles away. I’m… scared. It feels like my whole world is crumbling around me.”

  “Hey, hey,” he says soothingly as he gets off the table and crouches down next to me so we’re face to face. “I’m not going anywhere, Little Bird. If anything, in two or three years you’ll be sick of just how much you see me.”

  “Never,” I answer, my voice trembling.

  When he leans in close and pulls me into his arms, I think my whole world stops turning for a second. I sigh in contentment as I wrap my arms around him and return his hug. Somehow he maneuvers around so that he’s sitting on the couch with me in his lap—all without disturbing my ice pack.

  Being held by Colin is like relaxation in a bottle. I yawn as my eyes flutter shut. I smile as I breathe in the smell that’s so distinctly Colin—Calvin Klein One cologne mixed with his natural scent. There’s nothing more comforting.

  Colin’s chest rumbles beneath my ear when he says, “You’re tired.”

  I nod and snuggle in closer as he shifts forward. “Grab the ice pack and hold on,” he says. I grab the top of the pack and hold on as he stands with me still in his arms. I’d pay really good money to do this every day of my life. I don’t want this to end at all. Now more than ever I need this feeling.

  He carries me up the stairs and down the hall like I weigh nothing. My heart pounds at top speed as I try to form words. I know that what I’m about to ask is nuts and perhaps even selfish but I can’t not ask.

  “I don’t want to be alone yet,” I blurt anxiously. “Would it be okay for me to chill out in your room with you on the bed and watch some TV until the ice melts?”

  Did I mention that the ice pack is insulated and thus will take forever to melt? Although I can’t see his face, I couldn’t miss the way he gulps. “Of course,” he says after a beat. “Anything you need.”

  When he strides into his room and sets me down on his bed, I just about combust. How many years have I wanted to be in Colin’s bed? I idolized him as a child, crushed on him as a tween-ager, and then I developed stronger feelings around the time I was fifteen. They’ve only grown as time has gone on.

  He’s gentle with me so as not to jostle my ankle as he uses one of his pillows to elevate my foot before he comes around to the other side of the bed and sits down with his back against the headboard. Picking up the remote from the bedside table he turns the television on before handing it off to me.

  “You choose. Whatever you’re in the mood for is good with me,” he says.

  I raise a brow at him as I accept the control. “You sure about this?” I ask in a teasing tone. “We both know I’m going to take you right from a Sports Center rerun to Nick at Nite.”

  “S’all good,” he chuckles as I turn the TV on and do exactly what I said I would. The Fresh Prince is on, which is one of my favorites. I settle into Colin’s side with a smile, enjoying the fact that his bed is a queen size. This means there’s really no room for us to be separated. I can’t contain my giant ass grin when he lifts his arm and wraps it around my shoulders, bringing me in closer to him. I don’t think I’ve ever been this comfortable in my life.

  Chapter 6

  Elena- 9 Weeks Ago

  I feel like I'm in a daze as Colin pulls the car up to the curb and jumps out to get me from the bench I'm on just outside of the offices where Nanny and Pop's will was just read. He's tried to carry me around all day, but for the most part, all I need is an assist to get around. The swelling on my ankle was about eighty percent gone this morning, which is good. Right now I'm so gob-smacked that I'm a little tempted to ask him to carry me over to the car. I won't, but the desire is there.

  He watches me carefully as he covers the distance from the car to me. He's been monitoring me closely ever since the reading of the will. Right now I can't say I blame him. I use him for support as I stand, letting out a deep breath as we begin the short walk to his car. After helping me into the passenger seat and buckling me in, Colin shuts my door and walks
around the car. Sliding into the driver's seat, he looks over at me.

  “You okay?”

  “I don’t really know,” I say softly. “I never, ever expected them to leave me anything at all, much less half of the house.”

  “They loved you,” he says, “and that house is your home. You love it as much as they did—as much as I do. I have no doubt that’s why they left it to both of us.”

  I nod as I bite my lip and look away. I’m touched and emotional about the whole thing, but I’m also scared to death.

  “What’s upsetting you about this, Little Bird?” he asks, his voice full of concern.

  Focusing on the dashboard, I reach out and brush away a speck of dust.

  “Do you think your parents will be angry when you tell them what the will said?” I blurt, finally giving voice to what’s stressing me out.

  “What?” he asks in a tone of complete surprise. “No, Leni. Absolutely not.”

  Reaching out he softly grips my chin and turns me to face him. "They already know, honey. My dad is the one who told me what to expect, and they aren't angry at all. It makes sense to them, too. Dad already has a house of his own. He and my mom got all of the cash assets my grandparents left behind. Things worked out the way Nanny and Pop wanted, and there's nothing wrong with that at all."

  I breathe out a long, relieved breath as I lean back against the headrest. "You have no idea what a relief that is. Losing any of you—"

  “Never,” he vows. “I really wish you wouldn’t worry about this, Little Bird. None of us are going anywhere.”