Out of Formation

by Ella Fox

  Words seem so inadequate right now. All I can think to say is, “Thank you.”

  Reaching out, Colin takes my hand in his and laces our fingers together. I do my best to keep any surprise from my face as he brings our hands to his lips and kisses the back of mine. “There’s nothing to thank me for,” he says quietly. “I need you just as much as you need me, Leni. Don’t ever forget that.”

  I hate to admit that in a lot of relationships in my life it's always been hard for me to truly let go and trust in actual permanence. Granted my dad is in my life now, but he wasn't super-reliable during the first years after the divorce. I view his commitment to me as something he feels he has to do as opposed to something he wants to do. But with Colin, I have faith. If he says he’ll be there, he will be.

  When he places our entwined hands back on my leg and doesn't move to sever the connection, I look out the window to hide my smile. The way he has been here for me these last few days is nothing short of perfection. I spent the entire night in his bed last night and woke up this morning snuggled against him, and he never made me feel weird about it. Instead, I felt warm, protected, content and completely at home. I also felt desired—but I'm almost afraid to believe that's the case. But right now looking down at our hands, I think I might be right.

  Colin hasn’t left my side at all today and to say that I am enjoying this is a vast understatement of facts. After a dinner consisting of more leftover funeral food—a really delicious baked chicken casserole and a tossed salad—we’re now setting up camp in the living room to binge watch Stranger Things. We’ve both been dying to dive into it since people are constantly raving about it so now is the perfect time to give it a try.

  He sets me up on the couch first and then uses pillows to elevate my foot on the coffee table. Twisted ankles are a common enough occurrence for me that I barely feel it (and the brace I'm wearing is a huge help), but I'm not about to turn down the TLC from Colin. After turning off the lights and cuing up the show, he settles in next to me—close, but not as close as I want him. I make it through almost the entire first episode before I work up the courage to scoot in closer. He doesn't hesitate to lift his arm so that I can settle into the nook of his arm. Setting my head against his chest, I grin as my heart melts.

  As episode two starts he begins running his hand up and down my arm. Immediately the tension in the room rises exponentially, and I'm more and more certain I'm not the only one who feels it as each second passes. Taking a breath for courage, I snuggle in closer as I set my hand down on his jean-clad thigh. He freezes for half a second before he turns his head and looks at me. Because my head is on him, we're now super close to one another—close enough for me to feel his breath as it skates across my lips.

  I shiver at the way his coppery brown eyes flash in the dim light. “Leni,” he groans. “Do you know what you’re doing?”

  I'm nervous about taking such a massive leap of faith, but I'm doing it anyway. Taking a deep breath, I climb into his lap, careful to keep from hitting my ankle. "Yes," I say, my voice firm and clear. I'm scared I've gone too far until his hands grip my waist and the heat of his palms warms my skin through the loose cotton of the spaghetti strap dress I've got on.

  “Fuck, baby,” he rasps.

  Goosebumps break out over my entire body when I see the desire in his eyes. I clench my thighs and bite my lip as I lean in closer, anxious to take the next step. I’ve dreamt of kissing Colin for years and right now I’m inches away from having that dream become a reality.

  “Give me that sexy little mouth,” he orders as he uses his hold on my waist to bring my lower body in snug against his.

  Jesus, he’s hard—and it’s all for me. My clit throbs and my sex clenches as I slowly lean forward, the hem of my dress raising as I do. His eyes are hooded as he watches me getting closer and closer. Just before I reach his lips, he raises his hands from their position at my waist and takes my face between his hands, halting my movements. I clench again, loving the way he takes control.

  One of our phones buzzes on the table behind me but neither of us looks. Ignoring the buzz, he guides me in close enough to kiss me, but stops just short. I open my lips to say something—probably to beg—but I lose all my words when he uses his hands to tilt my head before he begins tracing my lower lip with his tongue. The sensation is so erotically charged I can feel my temperature rising. Unable to stop myself I open my lips and touch my tongue to his. He lets out a harsh groan and bucks beneath me, his hard cock rubbing against my sex through his jeans and my underwear. I whimper as he deepens the kiss, holding me tightly as he does.

  I’ve been kissed before but never, ever like this. This feels like a claiming—a declaration of ownership and I’m absolutely not complaining about that. Lost in the sensation, I hold onto his shoulders as I lean in as close as I can. My nipples harden as I shamelessly rub myself against his chest, moaning as he tears his mouth away.

  His breath is as ragged as my own, the sound of both filling the room. Somewhere in the background Stranger Things is still going, but all I can think about is Colin.

  “Need to touch you,” he rasps.

  “Yes,” I agree without hesitation. “Please.”

  He drops his hands from my face to my shoulders, toying with the soft thin straps of my dress.

  “This dress might not survive,” he says.

  I bite my lip and let out a husky sound as I grind down on his cock.

  “I don’t care about the dress.”

  It's like pouring lighter fluid onto a fire. His hands drop from my shoulders to the hem of the dress. "Lift up," he orders.

  The way he takes control is making me crazy. My clit is throbbing, and my nipples have never been harder. Balancing on my knees, I lift my bottom, holding still as he raises the hem to my waist. "Sit and raise your arms."

  I do as instructed, shivering as he whips the dress over my head allowing the cold air to brush over my skin. His eyes flash fire as the dress drops, and he realizes that I'm naked from the waist up since there was a sports bra built into the cotton dress. My breasts are a small B cup, but my worry that he might be disappointed is quickly forgotten when he slides his hands up my torso and stops when he reaches them. The combination of his hands on my skin and the look of raw desire on his face as he stares at my tits throws my already aroused body into overdrive.

  "Perfection," he growls as his hands move around to my back. I shiver as he begins sliding them ever so slowly down my spine. When he reaches the top of my underwear, he moves a bit faster, gripping my ass in his hands. "Put your hands on my knees and arch your back."

  When I comply, he leans forward and licks my right nipple. The heat of his tongue against the stiffened peak is everything. Needing a better grip, I let go of his knees and transfer my hands to his shoulders one hand at a time. He groans as I rock back and forth against him, the friction of his hard length beneath his jeans hitting me just right. It feels like my body is on fire internally as he divides his time between my breasts, licking, sucking, and gently nibbling each one. Every scrape of his jaw against my sensitive skin is like a thousand points of pure sensation.

  I groan when he lifts his head and looks up at me. “Kiss me,” he says.

  When our lips fuse, the kiss is one hundred percent carnal, so perfect it takes my breath away. There's an intensity to this that goes so far beyond anything I ever imagined—and believe me, I've spent hours dreaming about what this moment might feel like if it ever happened. I'm grinding on him faster, the need inside of me so acute that all I can focus on is the pleasure. I tear my mouth from his and let out a tortured sound when he traces his fingers over the top of my simple pink cotton bikini panties. When he slides beneath the elastic, I damn near forget how to function. I watch his face as he focuses on the sight of his hand touching my skin beneath the cotton and nothing has ever looked sexier.

  “Fuck, Little Bird,” he groans, “you’re so wet.”

  My breath leaves me in a whoosh when
his middle finger starts rubbing circles against my clit. “Colin, so good,” I whimper.

  “I knew it’d be fucking perfect to hear you calling out my name. Only thing that’s going to make this any better is getting to taste this little pussy,” he murmurs.

  I squeak in surprise as he stands up, spins around and lays me down on the couch. Grabbing the sides of my panties he drags them off of me in one fluid motion, leaving me completely exposed to his gaze.

  "So motherfucking perfect and sexy," he says as he gets onto the couch between my legs. Raising my right leg, he sets my ankle up on the back of the couch so that it's elevated. Once he's satisfied with my comfort, he slides his hands beneath my ass and raises me up. I barely have time to blink before his mouth is on me.

  It’s almost embarrassing how loud I’m being as he works me over with his tongue, but judging by the way he’s watching me with heated eyes as he does it, I know he’s enjoying every second. The feel of his stubble against my sensitive inner thighs is incredible.

  "Oh Jesus," I gasp as his tongue swirls faster. Reaching down, I thread my fingers through his hair, holding on as he sucks my clit into his mouth.

  “Colin!” I cry, my body beginning to tremble as he applies more pressure. “Yes! Now!”

  The orgasm hits me hard, the magic of it racing through my veins as he slows down and moves his tongue from the very tip of my clit but doesn’t stop licking me. I let out a gasp when he slides his finger against my opening, slowing circling it. Lifting his head, he grins devilishly as he slowly starts pushing inside.

  “You’ll like this next one even better,” he promises, “but the one after that where you come all over my dick will be your fav—”

  His sudden stop confuses me. Looking down, I see him staring up at me wide-eyed.

  “What is it?” I ask.

  “You’re a virgin,” he whispers.

  Right at that moment, I realize I’m feeling his finger against the evidence of that very thing. I nod and cock my head. “Does it matter?”

  His eyes bulge out almost comically. “Does it matter?” he asks incredulously. “Leni, this isn’t at all what—”

  The sound of the kitchen door opening stops everything on a dime. “Since you didn’t text back with your order we got you hot fudge sundaes,” Lolo calls.

  “Stay in the kitchen!” Colin yells.

  Scrambling off the couch, I grab my dress and underwear and race for the stairs, ignoring the twinge of my ankle.

  Somehow he gets rid of Sam and Lolo without me seeing them. I wonder what they thought when he called out for them to stay in the kitchen, but assume I'll never know. When he knocks on my bedroom door and says we need to talk my stomach plummets.

  Everything he says after that is nothing but a series of words that tell me one thing—he thinks being with me would be a mistake.

  Chapter 7

  Elena- Present

  As I turn to walk around my car to go to head to the house, Colin opens the side door. I swallow thickly as his gaze connects with mine as I cross the driveway and then brush past him at the side door, which he holds open for me. I wrinkle my nose as I smell something unfamiliar to the house hanging in the air but then forget all about it as Colin continues to hold my gaze as he closes the door behind him.

  “I was afraid you wouldn’t come. I’m glad you’re not avoiding me anymore.”

  My pulse speeds up as I spin on my heels and cross my arms over my chest.

  “You think I’ve been avoiding you?” I ask, my tone one of clear disbelief. “That’s rich, all things considered. You’re the one who said I needed to focus on myself and finish out college—all while I begged you to reconsider. Then you disappeared into thin air and stopped calling or writing.”

  He sighs and leans back against the door.

  “Don’t twist things around, Little Bird. I called you every day for three weeks, and you didn't answer the damn phone even once. I let up because I could see you were angry and needed time to stew."

  “You’re damn right I was angry. You made it seem like my being a… a virgin,” I continue after a pause, “somehow made me defective. You have no clue how humiliating that was. Yeah, you called but after the way things shook down, you should’ve realized why I wasn’t answering. I was embarrassed. And what? Now you’re just—” I gesture to the room around me “—here?”

  “Yes, I’m here. I’m home," he stresses. "But to be perfectly blunt, today hasn't gone the way I'd hoped, and I've spent the hours since you left the gym wondering if I'm too damn late. Is there something you want to tell me, Leni?

  I don't know what the hell that means, and I'm too agitated to decipher it.

  "Too late for what?" I snap. "You didn't even see me in the gym today! I might as well have been invisible, and I wasn't even fifteen feet from you. Not once did I see you looking through the crowd for me even though you had to know I was there. Do you have any idea how badly that hurt?"

  Putting his hand up to the back of his neck, he rubs at it as if he's stressed. "Of course I knew you were there, Leni. I always know where you are, even if you think I don't. You have no idea how fucking difficult it was not to look your way today, but it had to be done. If I want to keep this job—and keep us in the position of living in this house full time—I needed to keep to my end of the agreement, which was something I was hoping to discuss with you. Meanwhile none of that really fucking matters right now after what I saw in the gym this afternoon."

  I'm so confused I must look like Britney Spears judging the X Factor, and it's surprising that there are not little birds circling my head. "What did you see in the gym this afternoon?"

  Colin frowns as he drops his hand from behind his neck. “Miles was all fucking over you, Leni. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that you’ve transitioned from just friends to—” he grimaces as he looks away “—Lovers,” he finishes a second later.

  Did I say I was confused a second ago? Back then I was only slightly off-kilter. Now I’m stunned.

  This big lug is so exasperating! After admitting to actively ignoring me in the gym, he pulls this craziness out of his ass?

  “Miles is my best friend,” I remind him. “Always has been and always will be. He is not now, nor will he ever be, anything other than that. It’d be like you sleeping with Sam or Lolo. We’re no more and no less affectionate than you are with them. There’s nothing sexual between the three of you and nothing sexual with Miles and me. He’s like a brother—”

  I get no further because in the blink of an eye he's covered the space between us. With one arm he pulls me against his chest. His free hand traces the curve of my face as he leans in close and covers my mouth with his. If I live to be one hundred and nine, I'll never get over the way it feels to be kissed by Colin Findlay because he owns me with each and every one.

  My senses are overloaded with Colin—the taste, the feeling of his muscular body beneath my fingers, the scent that I'm insanely addicted to. I haven't seen him in weeks, but there's absolutely no discomfort. Being in his arms is where I feel most at home.

  I shiver as he threads his fingers through my hair just above the nape of my neck, the gesture proprietary, and oh-so-him. I grumble as he lifts his lips from mine, unwilling to break the connection. Taking control, I reach up, grab his chin and pull him back in to extend the kiss. His warm chuckle tells me that he has no problem with my forcing the issue.

  Suddenly we're moving. It's my turn to laugh when I feel the counter behind me. Gripping my waist, he lifts me up and sits me on the edge before pulling his lips away again. Raising his hands, he cups either side of my face and looks at me.

  “God, I fucking missed you. These past two months have been torture, baby. If you ever spend so much as two minutes avoiding me again, I’m going to lose my shit.”

  I can’t help narrowing my eyes. “You’re the one who told me we were making a mistake,” I remind him.

  “How you took it is not at all what I meant to
say,” he growls. “You make it sound like I said I didn’t want to be with you and nothing could be further from the truth.”

  "Well, that's what I heard," I admit. "To me, every word out of your mouth sounded an awful lot like someone who wanted to get as far away from me as possible."

  “What I was trying to say back then—apparently poorly—was that I didn’t think it was fair to you to start a long distance relationship. You kept your virginity for a reason, and I didn't want to do anything to take away from how monumental that is. Making love and then being separated from you wasn't okay with me. You're young and in college and I'm—"

  I raise my hand between us and slap it over his mouth. "I swear if you say old I'm going to pitch a fit. The argument was ridiculous then, and I guarantee it'll be the one thing in this room that hasn't aged well if you say it again."

  He chuckles before nipping at my palm playfully so that I’ll remove my hand. “What I’m saying is that I want a lot from you, Leni. I needed you to have the option to wait, especially once I knew you were a virgin. Me living two hours away and you dealing with college douchebags hitting on you all the time wasn’t how I wanted us to start our relationship.”

  My eyes go wide at his use of the R-word.

  “Relationship?” I ask with an endless well of hope in my tone.

  “You see me here right now?” he asks.

  I nod.

  “I came home for you because I’m in love with you. Relationship is way too fucking tame a way to describe what I want us to share.”

  A huge smile breaks out on my face as I lean in closer. “I love you, too,” I murmur.

  As his lips cover mine, I don't think I've ever been happier—until a dose of reality slaps me upside the head. Tearing my mouth from his, I grimace.

  “But what about the university? They made it very clear today that if anyone gets caught, shit will hit the fan. I don’t want you to lose your job!”