Forgiveness

by Grace R. Duncan

  “I hope you can. It could take a long time for me to get past some of this.”

  “I’m sure it will. But I will help you if I can.”

  Eric considered him for a long moment. “I think it might. What has you scared?”

  Ben blinked. “You can feel that?”

  Eric nodded. “Yeah. The first connection—you felt it, didn’t you?”

  “I thought maybe I was imagining it.”

  “From what I understand—what Tanner has told me and what our pack elders taught us—when we meet, the first portion of the bond is formed. I can feel strong emotions from you, and you can feel mine. Only the strong ones, though. Until we bond more. Which tells me your fear is pretty bad.”

  Ben let that comment pass. “I wish I’d asked my papá more about destined mates. We did not… um, we did not spend a lot of time with the pack.”

  Eric raised an eyebrow. “Why not?”

  “My alpha was a good Texas boy, and my papá and I are Mexican—both he and my mamá were born in Mexico and came over the border later on. There is still a lot of prejudice against Mexicans there, at least there was in my area—and with my alpha.”

  “Former alpha. Tanner won’t do that.” Eric squeezed Ben’s hand gently. “And neither will I.”

  Ben swallowed. “I’m… really glad to hear that.” He took a breath. “It was something I… w-worried about.”

  “I can understand why, but I don’t see anyone in this pack having a problem with it. Tanner’s father didn’t put up with that kind of bigotry, and I don’t see Tanner putting up with it either.”

  Ben fell silent for a long moment, contemplating that and savoring the feel of touching his mate. “I really hope so.”

  Eric squeezed his hand again, then let go and sighed. “So… it’s not just my former mate,” he said, frowning. When Ben looked up, raising his eyebrows, Eric clarified. “The things I have to work through….”

  “Oh?”

  Eric frowned. “I’ve… I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be human.”

  “You seem pretty human to me,” Ben said, confused.

  Eric chuckled. “I’m glad you think so.” He turned serious again and reached out toward his coffee cup. His fingers seemed stiff, like they didn’t want to curl at first. Eric stopped moving, then very slowly wrapped one hand around the main part of the mug and carefully curled two fingers around the handle. “Yeah… I’m still having trouble holding things—coffee mugs, eating utensils.” He blushed, and Ben laid a hand on his arm, squeezing. The blush faded a little. “Everything seems ridiculously loud and smelly. Even touch is weird still—you seem to be the only thing that doesn’t bother me. Clothes irritate me. Food even tastes very strong. I don’t… I have no idea how to filter things like I once did. I have no idea how I’ll react to being around people—especially humans. I don’t have a job, not that I think I could handle it yet. Don’t even have a place to live yet.”

  “I can help you with some of that, maybe. I mean… mates can help calm and soothe, right?”

  Eric frowned but nodded, letting go of the cup and taking Ben’s hand again. “I guess? She didn’t, but maybe that was a chosen versus destined thing. Or maybe that was just her. I don’t know. But… I just…. It’s not very fair to you to have a mate who can’t even do basic things.” He looked away and started to pull his hand out of Ben’s, but Ben tightened his a little, hoping Eric would take it for the comfort he meant it to be. He didn’t want to let go.

  Eric stopped trying to pull his hand out and looked up at Ben again, who shrugged, then said, “I don’t care. Isn’t part of being mated accepting the problems your mate has?”

  Eric swallowed. “Yeah…. You don’t have them, though.”

  “I have plenty of my own fears, as you can feel. I heard what you said about prejudice, but it is not easy to set it aside. For one thing I have a tendency to slip into Spanish when I am stressed.” He smiled ruefully. “As you heard before. How well will the locals take that? My mamá did not accept my wolf. I still worry I will not control him well after all these years trying to ignore him. And I still do not have a place to live either. Though I do plan to do something about that.”

  “I have a suggestion,” Finley said, stepping through the door.

  Eric looked up, raising his eyebrows. “Eavesdropping?”

  Finley snorted. “Hardly. I can filter better than you, but I still hear.”

  Ben blushed, thinking about the thinly veiled accusations he’d made.

  Finley crossed the deck and put a hand on Ben’s shoulder. “It’s okay,” he said, almost as if he’d read Ben’s mind. “Tanner isn’t going to allow people in the pack, at least, to give you shit for where you—or your family—are from. As for where to live… I think you should both stay here.”

  Eric raised an eyebrow. “I’m not going to leech off you and Tanner.”

  Finley snickered. “Who said anything about leeching? You can pay rent.”

  Eric scowled. “That’s not funny.”

  “It’s not meant to be.” Finley shook his head. “Tanner will talk to you about it. But putting that aside for the moment… you two should be physically close. If you don’t claim and you’re not bonding and sleeping together, then you should at least be in the same house.”

  Eric’s scowl faded. “Tanner told me what happened. I’m sorry.”

  Finley waved that away, glancing at Ben. “Nothing for you to be sorry for. That mess was on Tanner and me. But… yeah. Um, you can tell Ben about us, if you like. But… I know what it’s like to be apart from a destined mate. It sucks,” he said succinctly. “And I have no wish to see anyone go through what we did.”

  Eric tightened his hand around Ben’s and met Ben’s gaze. “I don’t know how long it might take for me to be comfortable with the idea of a mate again. It could be a really long time. Maybe… maybe he’s got a point.”

  Ben frowned and looked up at Finley. “Will you allow me to pay you for the room?”

  Finley rolled his eyes. “Stubborn men,” he grumbled, but sighed. “Yes, if you must.”

  Eric and Ben exchanged looks, both smiling. Eric raised his eyebrows, and after a brief hesitation—how hard was it going to be to be so close but not bond? How much harder would it be to be physically apart?—Ben took a breath and nodded. Eric looked up at Finley. “I think we’ll stay.”

  “Good! Now. Tanner wants you to meet a few people. He’s called them and they should be here in a little while.”

  BEN FINISHED his coffee quickly, and they went inside and left their cups in the sink. He found Finley at the dining room table in front of an open laptop. “If you would tell me which room I should take, I can get some things from my car and be out of the way of your company.”

  Finley scrunched his eyebrows. “Why ever would you do that? I mean, if you want to unload, that’s cool, but you should be meeting them too.”

  Ben blinked. “I should? But I’m—”

  “A member of the pack and Eric’s mate. Both good reasons to meet them. Besides, one of the guys coming is Tanner’s beta, who you really should meet.”

  “Oh, I… okay, um….”

  “Why don’t you talk to Eric about the rooms? He is on the first floor here, but we’ve only got one bedroom on this floor. He hasn’t really settled in yet, though. Maybe you two would like the other bedrooms upstairs? Tanner and I can be quiet or wait until you’re not around to have sex.”

  Ben turned bright red, and Finley laughed. “Uh….”

  “Sorry, I’m teasing. Seriously, though, I know how sensitive hearing is. We can be courteous.”

  “It’s okay. I do not want to cause problems for you and your mate.”

  Finley waved that away. “Really. Don’t worry about it. We’re happy to have you. This place gets lonely with just the two of us. We had a couple of other guys here for a while—Tanner’s beta and his mate—but they went back to their own place, so it’s been too quiet.” He leaned to the side, looking ar
ound Ben. “Hey, Eric!”

  Eric came over from talking to Tanner and stopped next to Ben. “What’s up?”

  “I know we gave you the first-floor bedroom, but what about taking the other one upstairs, so Ben is close?”

  Eric looked thoughtful, then shrugged. “That would probably be better, I think. I mean, being close to me should help at least until he gets used to you guys. You’re not going to fuck where we can hear you, are you?”

  Finley threw back his head and laughed. Despite being somewhat embarrassed, Ben found himself smiling too. “I thought we’d fuck in front of you instead. Just make it as bad as possible.”

  Eric rolled his eyes. “You’re hilarious. How does Tanner put up with you?”

  “He keeps me sane,” Tanner said, joining them. “And seriously, dude, I have no wish to be near you when I’m fucking my mate.”

  Eric flipped him off, and Ben watched the whole thing in bemusement. “We’re freaking out my mate.” Eric shook his head, glancing at Ben. “Sorry, that word’s going to mess with me for a while.”

  Ben held up a hand. “It’s okay. You can just call me Ben if it will make things easier.”

  “I think using the word would actually help,” Finley offered.

  Eric tilted his head. “He’s got a point. I need to get used to it. Mate.” He turned to Tanner. “You can be a real ass sometimes.”

  “Only around you.”

  Finley snorted at this. Tanner turned and raised an eyebrow at him. Finley looked uncomfortable for a moment, then rolled his eyes. “Anyway…. There are two other bedrooms besides ours upstairs. You guys can pick which ones you want. They share a bathroom, but there’s another, separate bathroom in the hallway too.”

  “Thank you,” Ben said, glancing at Eric. “I will take whichever one you do not want.”

  Eric shrugged. “I don’t care either. Let’s go take a look. We can leave them to their childish ways.”

  “I’m not childish. And don’t forget, I’m your alpha.”

  Eric snorted as he walked away.

  Tanner rolled his eyes. “He’s like a pup all over again.”

  “I heard that!” Eric said from the stairs.

  Ben couldn’t resist chuckling as he followed his mate.

  “You were supposed to!” Tanner called.

  THE TWO bedrooms were pretty similar in size and makeup. They both had fireplaces, double beds and other simple furnishings, and decent closets. Eric took the one closer to Tanner and Finley’s room. “I figure if they do start something, I won’t care as much.” He considered Ben for a long moment, and Ben was sure he didn’t want to hear what was coming. “I should tell you… I’ve been in the closet my entire life. I never told anyone—including Tanner—that I was bi. He knows now, of course, but he didn’t before. My parents wouldn’t have accepted it. And I didn’t tell Tanner… because I once had a crush on him.”

  Ben swallowed the growl that wanted to come out and resisted the urge to tell Eric they could get their own place… on the other side of the state. Instead, he took a breath and said, “Had?”

  Eric nodded. “Had. A long time ago. I got over it back before things with Kim, even. I figured you should hear about it from me, rather than risk it coming out in jokes with Tanner. I don’t want you to think I’m keeping anything from you. I’ve never believed in that. I think it only leads to a lot of shit.”

  “Yeah. Mamá used to hold on to everything, then sort of… blow up at us… when it got to be too much. I always wished she’d just tell us when she was mad and what about.”

  “Yeah, see? Just causes messes. Tanner and Finley didn’t talk about everything for a long time and that caused all sorts of problems.” Eric shook his head. “Anyway. I don’t mind having to be a little closer to them. Besides, this one has a balcony. If I start feeling closed in….”

  “You can get air. Uh… let me know if I can do anything, though, for you?”

  Eric smiled. “I’ll try. It’s still weird to know I… that someone’s… there for me, you know?”

  “It’s okay. You were alone a long time.”

  Eric nodded, then froze, tilted his head, and scrunched up his eyebrows. “I guess the people Tanner called are here.”

  Ben raised his eyebrows. “They are?” He closed his eyes to listen, and if he focused, he could hear a car approaching, but it was still a distance away. He opened his eyes again. “You heard that?”

  Eric frowned. “Yeah. Filters still suck, probably will for a while yet.” He sighed. “Let’s go meet people.” He wrinkled his nose as he turned toward the stairs, and Ben laughed.

  “I’ll be there, for what it’s worth.”

  Eric paused at the top step and turned toward him, looking at him for a long moment. “It’s worth quite a bit.”

  Ben felt ridiculously good at that little line as he followed Eric down the stairs.

  Chapter 5

  “YOUR COMPANY is here,” Eric said as he joined Tanner and Finley in the living room.

  Tanner raised an eyebrow. “I don’t hear them.”

  “They are. Or, will be in a minute,” Ben said, stepping up next to Eric. “They’re on the road.” He tilted his head toward Eric. “His filters still are not working well yet.”

  Tanner winced, but before he could say anything, two cars approached and shut their engines off. “And there they’d be.”

  Finley went out to the front door and, a moment later, led four men into the living area. Eric tried not to tense, but either he failed or Ben picked up on his nervousness through their link, because he moved a bit closer. That thought still freaked Eric out more than a little. He couldn’t help but wonder how much they were bonded already. If Ben left now, would it hurt like it had when Kim broke their bond?

  Despite the not-so-minor freak-out, he found himself glad Ben was there. Despite his fears of Ben leaving, the calm from his mate helped as Eric was faced with four men he didn’t know. Other people. He’d been away from them so long, including shifters, he was afraid he was going to do something completely stupid, even though they were all… wolves? Except they weren’t. Eric blinked at them, especially the one with black hair.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” Tanner said, turning to Eric. “Give me a moment and we’ll explain everything.”

  Eric blinked at him. “Um… okay.”

  The guy with the black hair gave him a small smile. Eric tried not to sniff—he really did—but couldn’t seem to stop himself. The guy smelled really weird. Not human, but not wolf. Eric tilted his head unconsciously as he tried to figure it out.

  “Gods, you’re all alike like that,” the black-haired guy said, chuckling.

  Another of the guys sighed. “Really, Q. Give him a break.”

  “You’re one to talk. You’re the worst of them.”

  The other guy flipped Q off.

  “All right, all right. As you’ve guessed, this is Eric. The other guy is Ben—” Tanner turned to Ben. “How do you pronounce your last name again?”

  Ben blushed but cleared his throat. “Arellano.”

  Eric scowled, not liking the nervousness he could feel from Ben. “It’s not that hard to pronounce. Ah-day-yah-noh.”

  Tanner smirked at him. “I didn’t know you were so good with languages.”

  Eric rolled his eyes and muttered “asshole” under his breath.

  “It’s okay, Eric,” Ben murmured.

  Eric turned to him. “No, it’s not.” He didn’t even think about it as he reached out and took Ben’s hand to squeeze it in comfort. Eric turned back to the others. “Ben’s family is from Mexico and he grew up in Texas, where they faced a lot of prejudice—even from their alpha.”

  Tanner winced. “Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

  Ben shook his head. “Really, it’s okay.”

  Eric considered him, but the jumble of emotions that had been so strong a moment before eased. He nodded and turned back. “He’s my mate,” he said, swallowing
but relaxing a bit when he was greeted with nothing but smiles.

  “Let’s get the rest of the introductions out of the way, and then we can talk more,” Tanner said. He pointed to the blond guy on the far left. “That’s Jamie Sutton, my beta and Fin’s best friend.”

  Finley and Jamie both grinned.

  Eric raised his eyebrows. “Wait, Jamie, the friend—?”

  “Yes, the one who almost won me over Tanner.” Finley’s grin widened, and Jamie laughed.

  “Hardly. I didn’t stand a chance,” Jamie said, shaking his head. “Besides, it worked out. I have my own destined mate, which is way better than chosen.”

  Eric wondered if Tanner had told them about him, then figured he probably had. He shook the thought off.

  “Definitely,” Tanner said, and Eric knew that was deliberate. “That’s his mate and husband, Chad Sutton,” Tanner said, pointing next at the guy who’d spoken to Q earlier.

  “Wait, husband? You can get married now?”

  “Oh yeah, I guess you didn’t know about that. Marriage equality went through earlier this year. Supreme court voted in favor in… June, I think.” Tanner grinned. “Finley and I are married, in fact.”

  Eric blinked. “Shit. I’ve missed so much,” he mumbled. Ben squeezed his hand, and Eric took a deep breath, then let it out.

  “Anyway, next to Chad is Miles Grant, the pack doctor, and next to him is Quincy Archer, our newest pack member. And… a jaguar shifter.”

  Eric’s eyes widened. “That’s why you smell different.” Eric’s cheeks colored as he realized he’d said that out loud.

  Quincy just laughed, though, and waved it away. “It’s okay. I still get that quite a bit.”

  “I didn’t even know they existed,” Eric said, shaking his head.

  “Neither did I,” Ben said, and Eric glanced over to see him staring. He looked at Eric and blushed. Eric squeezed his hand again.

  “It’s okay, really. I know I’m unusual. There aren’t many of us left.”