Uncharted Passage

by Julie Cannon

  She was terrified that she would lose Kim’s friendship, but Kim had told her there were only a few things that could end their friendship, and Emily’s sexual orientation was not one of them. After talking for several more hours, they fell asleep next to each other, exhausted and closer than ever before.

  Emily was the maid of honor when Kim married Phil and had waited nervously in the waiting room when their daughter was born. They spoke on the phone at least three or four times a week and saw each other several times a month. Kim was the sister Emily never had, and she was petrified when she enlisted. She had a wonderful husband, a beautiful little girl, and great friends. Emily had not understood when Kim said she needed a purpose in her life.

  “Emily, if Kim was your friend, then she had to have a mind of her own. I doubt if she was coerced or persuaded into doing anything she didn’t want to. After September eleventh, a lot of people simply felt the need to do something. They wanted to defend our country. Defend the rights the terrorists were trying to take away from us.”

  “But how could she leave her baby and just go?”

  “I doubt it was that simple.”

  “You don’t know shit about it.” Emily was angry again. The heads of a few pedestrians turned their way.

  “You’re right, I don’t know anything about your friend or her circumstances. But I do know about the people who voluntarily serve their country. They are strong and proud and believe it’s an honor to serve. Do they gladly go to war and die? Of course not. No one in their right mind wants to die, especially so far away from their loved ones. But it’s their job, the one they signed up for. So don’t blame the military for what happened to Kim. Blame the Iraqi that shot her. Blame her squad that didn’t have her back. Blame the little kid she was handing a candy bar to. Blame her for volunteering in the first place. To tar and feather me by association is no better than thinking I pulled the trigger.”

  Hayden stood up from the bench, angry and wanting to simply walk away. Away from Emily, her opinions, and the confusion she felt every time she thought of her. Where was her simple, ordered life? Where had it gone? And did she really want it back?

  She felt the sting of Emily’s words as they walked silently back to the hotel. She didn’t look at Emily but felt her presence beside her. She nodded to the doorman, entered the cool lobby, and headed straight for the bar. She needed a drink to calm her nerves—several, as a matter of fact. And maybe even a few hours in the arms of a beautiful New Yorker. She groaned when she saw her handler, and by the look on his face, knew she would probably not get either.

  “Where have you been? I’ve been calling your room all afternoon.”

  Hayden was in no mood to be bullied by this twerp. “I wasn’t aware we had any commitments this afternoon,” she replied, not answering his question. It was none of his business where she’d been and he certainly wouldn’t like it if he knew.

  “I wanted to discuss tomorrow’s interview, Colonel.”

  Hayden didn’t rise to the invitation. If he was going to critique her performance, he should have said so and done it immediately after the interview when her answers were fresh in her mind. “What about it?”

  He shifted his weight from foot to foot and Hayden knew he was uncomfortable with the setting of their conversation. Her tone and her “don’t fuck with me right now” stance probably didn’t help. When he didn’t answer quickly enough for her short fuse she said, “I’ve read the briefing several times, Tillman. I think I know what to say. I was there, remember?”

  She knew her comment was snippy, but she was not in the mood to have this conversation. She was angry. Angry at Emily for dumping her and every other serviceman and woman into a category that most didn’t deserve. Yes, there were soldiers who blindly followed orders and those who got off on issuing them, but those people were rare in the Army, she knew. Emily’s assumptions and preconceived ideas were prejudiced and just flat-out wrong.

  Hayden was angry at herself as well. This was not the first time she’d been exposed to someone who believed as Emily did. She didn’t give any of these opinions a second thought. But coming from Emily, the stereotypes hurt. They had shared something, and Hayden realized that she expected them to be bound effortlessly together by it. Obviously Emily had missed that memo.

  “I wasn’t implying that you’re not prepared.” Tillman all but stumbled over his apology.

  “I’ll be fine. Your briefing packet was very thorough. I know who’s going to ask the questions and what I’m going to say. It will be even easier the second time around. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go.”

  She left him with an exasperated look on his face and disappeared into the elevator.

  *

  Emily sat on the couch in the lobby, not yet ready to go up to her room and stung by the severity of Hayden’s words. They’d had a wonderful day, or at least she thought they had. She was hoping to have a quiet dinner with Hayden and continue the easy conversation they shared during their tour of the city. Her hopes were dashed when one minute they were talking and the next they were in each other’s faces, arguing.

  She hadn’t meant to start in with the story of Kim. Her nerves were still raw and she had not yet finished grieving for her friend, but she knew that if she didn’t get a hold of this anger, someday it would get her in trouble.

  “Like getting arrested for trespassing on a military base isn’t trouble,” she said to herself.

  Emily stretched out her legs and leaned her head back against the soft cushions. Her anger toward Hayden had cooled and in its place was a sense of melancholy. She replayed Hayden’s words in her mind. It was unfair for her to paint Hayden with the same brush she applied to the military. Hayden was as much an individual as she was a military officer. The two were interrelated like the individual threads of a rope, the strands wrapped together to create something stronger than the single pieces.

  Emily gave up trying to sort out which threads made sense to her and headed for the elevator. Her stomach was growling and all she wanted was to order room service and take a hot bath. Tomorrow morning would come early, and she had a nagging feeling that she would not sleep much again tonight. She hesitated when she saw Tillman standing in the lobby, and he chose that moment to turn around. Emily cursed that she was not quick enough to escape without being seen and pasted a smile on her face as he approached.

  Tillman was in his mid thirties and quite attractive in a Cary Grant sort of way. Unfortunately for Emily, he knew it. He smiled when he saw her, and she could almost feel the charm ratcheting up.

  “Ms. Bradshaw, there you are.”

  For a moment, Emily thought he was going to give her a peck on the cheek like she was a long-lost friend.

  “Mr. Tillman,” she replied coolly.

  “Brad, please. We’re going to be spending too much time together to bother with formalities. May I call you Emily?”

  She would have loved to say no, but her parents had taught her to be more polite. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to actually give him permission. His forwardness was something new, and Emily had a bad feeling about it. He reminded her of a pompous fraternity boy she’d known in grad school.

  “I was wondering if you’d like to have a drink? I’d like to talk to you about the show tomorrow. There is a cozy piano bar in the penthouse with a fabulous view of the city.”

  “I’m hardly dressed for it,” Emily replied, hoping he’d jump at the excuse.

  What her reluctance did, however, was give him reason to leer, no doubt imagining what she looked like underneath the layers.

  “Nonsense, you look lovely,” he said. “It’s nothing formal. Come on, let’s grab this elevator.”

  He took her elbow and shepherded her into the elevator she was hoping would take her to her room. It passed her floor and kept climbing. Tillman chatted nonstop, and five long minutes later they were seated at a table, waiting for their waitress to bring their drink order. The lounge was dark with a smattering of
light reflecting off candles at each table. Indirect lighting on the walls gave the room a soft, seductive atmosphere.

  “So, Emily, how do you think it went this morning?” Tillman’s palms were together, his fingers steepled under his chin. He looked like he was about to pray.

  “I think it went well. Colonel Caldwell is a good spokesman. She didn’t appear to be nervous at all.” Emily thought back to how calm and self-assured Hayden had been under the bright lights.

  “Yes, the Army’s done a very good job with her.”

  Something in Tillman’s voice made her ask, “What do you mean?”

  “Why, your conflict, of course.”

  Their waitress arrived with their drinks and Emily waited until she’d left before asking, “Our conflict?” She knew what he was talking about but wanted to hear from him just how big a conflict he thought it was.

  “Yes. She was calm and never gave one indication how angry she is that you dared to trespass on her base.” Tillman sipped his drink.

  “I didn’t know who she was when we selected Fort Tanner,” Emily said. She didn’t know why she was defending herself, and even less why she was defending Hayden.

  “Yes, but still.” He chose to elaborate. “She risked her life to save you, not once but twice, I may add. And you aren’t falling all over yourself saying what a hero she is.”

  Emily took two swallows of her scotch, letting the hot liquid calm her. “Mr. Tillman.” She couldn’t bring herself to call him by his first name. “I’ve thanked the colonel in person, in print, and this morning on national television. I don’t know her well at all, but I seriously doubt her nose is bent out of shape because I’m not, what did you call it, falling all over myself. What more am I supposed to do? Pledge my unending love and give her my firstborn?”

  Tillman held his hands up. “Okay, okay. Look, I know you don’t like the military and she doesn’t like people like you…” He didn’t get a chance to finish.

  “What do you mean people like me?”

  Tillman seemed a bit uncomfortable. “Well, you did protest at her base.”

  “So? It’s my right to protest and speak my mind, and Colonel Caldwell would say it’s her job to protect those rights.” Emily surprised herself at her staunch defense of Hayden.

  “Do you know she’s a lesbian?”

  Emily pulled out all of her experience to mask her reaction to Tillman’s question. “What does that have to do with anything?”

  “Did she hit on you?”

  The leer in his eyes made Emily’s stomach turn. “What are you talking about?”

  “On the beach, under the stars, when you two were naked in the tree.” His gestures indicated he could give many more examples.

  Emily met his gaze head-on. She knew he was fishing for something and doing a terrible job of being subtle. He was looking for dirt, something to hang over their heads or to jerk off to if nothing else.

  “Mr. Tillman, Colonel Caldwell was nothing but an officer the entire time, and she has continued to act in a way that the Army would be proud of. If you’re looking for dirt, you need to dig it up somewhere else.”

  “Emily, please, I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just that a woman like you needs to watch out for women like Caldwell. They’ll come after you and won’t take no for an answer, if you know what I mean.”

  He winked, and it was all Emily could do not to pour her drink in his lap. Where did the Army get this guy? He was a Neanderthal, or better yet, an idiot. He had to have seen the picture in the Bugle and the caption below it. Was he so dense that he couldn’t see that she was a lesbian too? The sheer absurdity made her laugh.

  “Let me assure you I can take care of myself around all kinds of people. Including you,” she added, but he missed the inference. “Colonel Caldwell made no unwanted advances.” Emily reminded herself to keep that exact phrase close by in case she needed it again. “Thank you for the drink, but I’ve got to prepare for tomorrow. Don’t get up,” she said as Tillman started to rise. “I can find my way back to my room. Good night.”

  Emily listened for Tillman’s footsteps behind her as she waited for the elevator. She exhaled in relief when the doors closed and she was alone in the plush car. She punched the button for Hayden’s floor and watched the numbers above the mirrored doors as she slowly descended.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The knock on the door was tentative. Hayden set her laptop down on the bed and crossed to the door. The hotel room was the largest she had ever stayed in, and if it weren’t for the hospitality of Good Morning America she never would have seen it in the first place. If it had been left up to good old Uncle Sam, she would be stuck in a Motel 6 in New Jersey, with a cracker-box rental car. The thick carpet muffled her footsteps and she had to bend down slightly to see through the peephole. She opened the door instantly.

  “Hayden, I have to talk to you.” Emily looked up and down the hallway as though afraid someone would see her. She walked into the room, her eyes immediately moving across the large king-size bed that dominated it.

  “Emily, what is it?” Hayden was worried. This was not the same angry woman she’d left in the lobby an hour ago.

  Emily paced the room. Her pulse beat even faster than it had during her elevator ride. “It’s Tillman.”

  “What about him?” Hayden had seen the way he looked at Emily. It was the same way she looked at her, and his obvious interest made her nervous. Had he made a pass?

  “He said some very interesting things a few minutes ago, while we were having a drink in the lounge. I thought you should know.”

  “I’m almost afraid to ask,” Hayden said dryly.

  “After he’d finished lecturing me on how I need to swoon over you more for being my hero, he asked if I knew you were a lesbian. He also wanted to know if you made a move on me while we were on the beach.” Emily felt herself blush slightly.

  “And what did you tell him?” Hayden was so angry she could only think in short sentences.

  “The truth. I told him that you did not make any unwanted advances toward me.”

  Hayden cocked her head at Emily’s specific words. “Is it?”

  Emily didn’t understand the question. “Is it what?”

  “The truth?” Hayden held her gaze.

  Emily’s heart jumped. “Yes. You didn’t make any unwanted advances. I wanted you then, and I want you now.” The words surprised her, and her hand flew to her mouth as if to stop anything else from slipping out.

  Hayden could hardly breathe. Images flashed through her brain like a slide show, each more intense than the one before. And Emily was here now, in her room. They were alone and she’d just confessed that she wanted her. Hayden was unable to move.

  “Hayden?” Emily watched as emotion clouded Hayden’s expressive eyes. Fear and compassion. Anger, softness, and desire. It was desire that remained, and it was mirrored in the rumbling through Emily’s veins.

  Hayden finally found her voice. “How did you leave it? Your conversation with Tillman?”

  This certainly wasn’t the response Emily had expected. “Um, I told him I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I told him I had to prepare for tomorrow and left. I came right here.”

  “Why?” Hayden could not believe she was asking another stupid question. Emily wanted to make love with her again, and all she had in her repertoire were questions. God, she was pathetic, and by the look on Emily’s face she thought so, too.

  “Why? Because you need to know. Tillman’s after something and we have to be careful.”

  “But everybody knows you’re a lesbian. What do you need to worry about?” That was the crux of the matter here. Emily had absolutely nothing to hide. Hayden, however, did.

  “I’m not going to be the one they use to out you. Your association with me is enough to start tongues wagging. And who knows what some horny creep like Tillman would say. You could lose everything if it got out.”

  And it would kill Emily if she were th
e cause.

  “Why do you care what happens to me?” Hayden felt like she was picking a fight but she couldn’t help herself. She was facing a ledge and she needed to know what her fallback positions were if she chose to go over it.

  “Hayden, what in the fuck are you talking about? If I didn’t care about you, do you think I’d be here? I’d throw your ass to the sharks and sit back and watch the feeding frenzy. I’d laugh as another stupid military regulation blows up in their face. Good God, Hayden, what kind of a person do you think I am?”

  Emily was hurt that her motives were being questioned and that Hayden hadn’t responded to her unsubtle hint about wanting her. But it wasn’t two hours ago that she’d lit into Hayden about her military life, so she could understand her anger.

  “Are you going to stand there and gawk at me or are you going to say something?” So far Hayden hadn’t answered any of her questions but stood immobile with her hands clenched and her back ramrod straight.

  Hayden wasn’t gawking, she was feasting on the sight in front of her. Emily’s eyes flashed daggers and her breathing was ragged. She was a beautiful woman and Hayden wanted her. Their differences were vast, but in the short time they’d known each other, Hayden had grown to respect her. Emily gave of herself every day for children who might never know a warm smile other than the ones she gave them. She’d gone against the path mapped out for her, to follow her conscience. She had strong beliefs and wasn’t afraid to stand by them.

  Hayden walked slowly across the space between them and stopped a mere hand’s width from Emily. Emily’s eyes could not be still, scientist eyes searching for an answer. Flecks of gold surrounded pupils dilated in expectation. Hayden felt her body being pulled as if she were a piece of steel and Emily a magnet. She ached to hold Emily in her arms again, to feel her soft skin, to hear whispers of desire fall from her lips. They were not touching, but Hayden felt as if she were wrapped in Emily from the inside out. She wanted her, desired her, had to have her. It took all her strength to not take Emily in her arms and kiss her.