Uncharted Passage

by Julie Cannon

  She stepped back and dropped her eyes from the face indelibly burned into her brain. Emily’s touch forever branded her. Her voice was hoarse when she answered Emily the only way she could.

  “Thank you for telling me about Tillman.”

  The silence in the room was deadly. Hayden waited for Emily to respond, and when she didn’t she lifted her gaze. Emily was staring at her with an incredulous look on her face. Hayden braced for the worst.

  “That’s all you have to say?” Emily wanted Hayden to hold her and kiss her and tell her everything was going to be all right. Hayden disappointed her when she did none of those. Shocked that Hayden could be so casual about something so special, Emily said, “You’re a coward, Hayden.”

  Hayden felt the scathing reply as if she had been slapped. She wanted to say more, she wanted to say that she didn’t care about Tillman or about her career. That all she wanted was to have Emily in her life. But she couldn’t, and she was not sure why.

  *

  Emily was halfway down the hall when she heard the door to Hayden’s room latch. She pushed the elevator button, impatient and desperate to be back in her room. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she chastised herself as she jabbed the button for her floor.

  Her rebuke echoed in the empty elevator. She leaned back against the mahogany-paneled wall and stared at her bisected reflection in the mirrors on the doors. The image depicted exactly how she felt whenever she was around Hayden. One half wanted her, and the other didn’t.

  Emily had a corner room with large windows that filled two walls almost from floor to ceiling. The lights of the city floated into the room and would have been spectacular if Emily wasn’t so distracted by the events of the entire day. She retraced her steps, kicking her shoes aside before tearing off the security seal on the mini-bar. She was in no mood for food, but the small bottle of Seagram’s 7 caught her eye. Grabbing two bottles and a glass, she dropped into the lounge chair facing the window.

  The contents of the first bottle burned as it went down her throat, but the second was smooth and warm. She let her mind shift away from dozens of thoughts dashing around in her head. But she could not forget the look on Hayden’s face just moments ago. Her eyes were filled with passion and desire, their intensity almost frightening. Emily knew Hayden would never hurt her, but it was almost as if she were a feral cat stalking its prey.

  She’d been surprised when Hayden stepped away. Surprised and disappointed. She wanted Hayden to kiss her, and by the look in her eyes Hayden wanted to do much, much more than simply kiss her. But she hadn’t. She had stepped away, and Emily’s disappointment and frustration turned into anger. Emily didn’t want to hurt Hayden, but she had been so caught off guard, she didn’t know what to do. She’d lashed out at her where it hurt the most, but her actions gave her no satisfaction.

  Emily didn’t bother closing the curtains as she stripped and climbed between the heavy sheets. Her room was on the sixth floor and the only people that could see her would have to be using a telescope, and she didn’t care. There was a switch by the bed that overrode the automatic lighting system, and when Emily touched it the room fell into semidarkness.

  The lights of the city reflected on the ceiling, reminding her of being in Hayden’s arms in Khao Lak. Even before they made love, she’d sensed a connection between them that was more than just two survivors of a terrible tragedy. Where was that Hayden now? Where was the woman with the sense of humor and always a kind, reassuring word to say? Did she remain on the beach, or did she come home and have her spark extinguished by the suffocating military life? In the past twenty-four hours Emily had seen glimpses of her, on the observation deck of the Statue of Liberty, buying a hot dog from a street vendor, and at Ground Zero. But she wasn’t here now, and she certainly wasn’t in Hayden’s room earlier.

  “And why do I care?” Emily asked the shadows. “Why did I agree to this crazy tour in the first place?”

  She knew the answers to her questions. She wanted to see Hayden again and had jumped at the chance to do so. She wanted to be with her and know everything about her. What made her smile, the name of her first grade teacher, did she like going to baseball games, eating peanuts and drinking beer? These were the thoughts that danced in her head as she fell asleep.

  *

  Hayden glanced in the mirror above the sink in her hotel room one last time. Dark circles were starting to emerge below her eyes. She hoped the studio makeup would hide the evidence that she had not slept well. She reached for the light switch but paused, examining her reflection instead. The woman staring back at her was the same one she’d seen for years, but as she looked closer she detected something had changed. Sure, there were a few more strands of gray in her hair and a couple of lines had sneaked up around her mouth, but it was her eyes that were different. Gone was the determined, focused look she’d seen every morning since boot camp. In its place was uncertainty.

  Hayden sucked in a breath realizing that not only had she wanted Emily last night, but also yesterday, the day before, and even the day she had rescued her from the raging waters. Without even knowing it, she had become a different person on that fateful day in December. Emily had opened a chasm in her life that Hayden had not been aware was even there. She’d thought she was happy. Her life was in order, her future planned and on track. She had explored places all over the world, from Kazakhstan to Heidelberg to Antarctica. She had friends and acquaintances on every continent, some she would remain close to until she died. But this morning, her eyes reflected something that had burrowed its way deep into her chest.

  Emily was right. She was a coward. She wanted Emily in her life but had done nothing to make it happen. Emily’s presence hung in the room like a thick cloud, choking Hayden with regret. She wanted to take Emily in her arms and kiss her senseless; it was all she’d thought about as she lay awake most of the night. Restless, and disappointed in herself, she got dressed and drank coffee. On the table in front of her lay an assortment of brochures Emily had gathered as they’d toured the city.

  Like a child, Emily was fascinated by everything she saw. She wanted to read every plaque and follow every trail on the map of Central Park. It was as if she was afraid she would never again be in New York and had to take it all in on this trip. She had been full of excitement and chatter all day, but when they approached Ground Zero she became silent. They were several blocks from the site of where the Twin Towers had once stood, two huge pillars extending into the air, defining the New York skyline, when Emily’s steps slowed and the exuberance left her expression.

  On the corner of Vesey and Church Street, she stopped and looked up. The expression on her face shifted from shock to anger, then profound sadness. Hayden didn’t know if she was imagining that the towers were still standing or looking into the face of God. Either way, it was a moment Hayden would always remember.

  When they arrived at the observation deck Emily stood close and didn’t say anything. While others around them were equally respectful, there was a group of four or five teenagers to their left who were boisterous, their voices carrying above the quiet murmurs of respect. Emily glared at them, and when they didn’t take the hint she walked over to them, her posture indicating a woman with a purpose. Hayden couldn’t hear what she said but the teens lost their bravado and sullenly walked away. When Emily reclaimed her place beside Hayden, she slipped her hand into Hayden’s just as she had during those days at Khao Lak. Most of the time, she needed assistance, but that last night, the night they made love under the stars, she had reached out to her in desire.

  On the observation deck, Emily reached out, seeking comfort and offering it as well. Hayden didn’t know how much she had needed that reassurance until Emily withdrew her hand when they started to leave.

  A hard knock on her door accompanied by Tillman’s brusque voice wrenched Hayden out of her reflections. With one last check to make sure she had everything she needed, she joined their handler in the hallway. Tillman said something o
bnoxious. Hayden congratulated herself for not flattening him.

  *

  The ride to the NBC studio was unbearably long. Emily had prepared herself to face Hayden this morning, but she had not anticipated the jolt of pleasure that shot through her body when she stepped out of the elevator. It was as if she’d never seen her before. Hayden was impeccably dressed in a uniform Emily suspected had been tailored to fit her perfectly. She’d seen dozens of similar uniforms, but none that looked as crisp as Hayden’s. The sleeves of her jacket were the perfect length, revealing just the right amount of the cuff of her shirt. The fit of her pants accentuated her long legs, the hems buckling just enough to cover the tops of her shoes. The gold buttons gleamed from the lights in the lobby. A uniform could easily transform an ordinary-looking woman into a frump, or worse, a dyke. It turned Hayden into the most attractive woman Emily had ever seen.

  Hayden sat across from her in the limo, her hands perfectly still on top of her thighs. She never stopped looking out the window. Emily sensed a tension in her that had not been there yesterday, and she suspected it was from their discussion the previous night. She felt bad about what she’d said. Hayden was not a coward, and Emily had no right to judge what she did or didn’t do, but it had made her so angry she said the first thing that came to her. She wanted to apologize but so far had not had the chance.

  The limo pulled up to the curb at Rockefeller Center and the doorman held the door. Tillman exited first, leaving Emily alone with Hayden for the first time that morning.

  “Hayden,” Emily started to say.

  “They’re waiting for us,” Hayden replied stiffly, indicating the men standing on the sidewalk.

  Hurt by the gruff response, Emily stepped out of the car, Hayden following a second behind her.

  The accommodations were similar to those provided for them the previous day. Hayden sat to Emily’s left in the makeup chair, the beautician adding touches of powder to her cheeks. Emily watched Hayden’s reflection in the large lighted mirror, hoping to make eye contact, but Hayden never looked her way. Emily felt a pang of jealousy when she chatted easily with the makeup artist, who was offering a bird’s-eye view of the cleavage exposed by her V-neck top. The second interview was similar to the first, with the host asking general questions before getting into the specifics about the tsunami. Hayden’s eye twitched when the host referred to their experience as an adventure. An adventure was a hike in the Grand Canyon or kayaking down the Colorado River. Being washed inland by a thirty-foot tidal wave obliterating everything in its path, without regard to human life, was not what she would call an adventure.

  She subtly corrected the highly groomed interviewer. “Like most people who went to Khao Lak Beach, adventure was not what I had in mind.”

  “And what did you have in mind?”

  Hayden’s eyes darted to Emily’s. “Sun. Relaxation.” Her smile was forced.

  “Before the tsunami hit, were you finding what you were looking for?”

  “Yes.” For the first time that morning, she actually felt like smiling. “As a matter of fact, I found more than I was looking for.”

  She gave up fighting to keep her eyes off Emily. Her hair was down this morning and shimmered like the early morning sunshine. Her dark blue skirt was short, revealing far too much leg to be ignored, and Hayden was tired from commanding her eyes not to look.

  As the questions progressed, she answered automatically, impatient for the interview to end. Emily had the last few questions, which gave Hayden an excuse to watch her attentively.

  She knew her steady regard was affecting Emily when her voice fractured slightly and she gave a breathless laugh. The interview concluded with a cut to a breaking news item and Hayden unclipped the microphone from her jacket and handed it to the sound man. Emily was struggling with hers.

  “Need some help?” Hayden reached out and unclipped the device before Emily had a chance to answer. The backs of her fingers lightly brushed against Emily’s chest and she felt Emily stiffen in response. Looking into her eyes, Hayden asked, “Will you have breakfast with me?”

  Emily was stunned. One moment Hayden was cold and aloof, the next she was looking at her as if she were for breakfast. Her nipples strained against her bra and her breathing instantly become quick and shallow. Her pride was telling her to refuse the invitation, but her heart and body were saying something altogether different. She rationalized her response with the thought that she should apologize to Hayden for her outburst yesterday.

  “All right.” Her answer was hesitant, but at this point she couldn’t jump in with both feet.

  “Fabulous, ladies, absolutely fabulous,” Tillman said, clapping his hands. “We have to go. The car should be downstairs. We can have breakfast in the airport.”

  Damn. Hayden had completely forgotten that they were flying to Chicago for an afternoon taping of Oprah, with other tsunami survivors. They were scheduled to appear the next day on Good Morning Chicago.

  As soon as Tillman walked away she said softly, “I’m sorry about breakfast. I forgot we had to go right to the airport.”

  Emily gave her a reassuring smile. “I did, too.”

  Actually, she’d forgotten everything except the way her nipples tingled under the brush of Hayden’s fingers. She shuddered, remembering the sensation. Hayden’s eyes grew dark with arousal. Emily wanted nothing more than to kiss her, to be taken in her arms once again, but this was not the place. The smoldering look in her eyes right now told her something altogether different. Tillman called after them again and Emily didn’t get a chance to say anything more.

  *

  The taping at Harpo Studios took longer than Hayden expected. It was the only show being taped that day, so the crew had the luxury of time. Between warming up the audience and staying for the social gathering after the taping, Hayden was not surprised when she glanced at her watch and saw that the entire afternoon had gone by. They were mingling with the other guests, Tillman never far from her side. When he wasn’t, he kept glancing her way as if expecting her to drag some woman out of the room by her hair and ravish her on the hard tile of the hallway floor. She was tired of his constant hovering. He was either right on top of them or close enough to overhear anything she and Emily were saying.

  When he stepped between them for the umpteenth time that day, Hayden said, “For God’s sake, Tillman. I’m not going to touch her, if that’s what you’re afraid of.” The look on his face confirmed that was exactly what he was afraid of. “You’ve been hovering around us like an old maid chaperone, and I am tired of it. I’m not a teenager who can’t keep her hormones in check.”

  Hayden stopped when she realized she had practically admitted she was a lesbian. She waited for Tillman to reply, but it was Emily who spoke up.

  “I’ve also had enough, Mr. Tillman. I told you I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, so back off.”

  Tillman looked as though he had been struck. He brought his hand to his chest. “Now ladies…” was as far as he got before Emily interrupted him.

  “That’s right, Mr. Tillman, we are ladies, and as such we deserve to be treated with a little more respect. Now, I’m going out to dinner with Colonel Caldwell and you are not invited. In fact, why don’t you take the car and do whatever it is you would be doing if you weren’t our shadow. We’ll see you in the morning.”

  Hayden suppressed a laugh at the look on Tillman’s face. He was beet red and looked like he was going to explode. He sputtered a few unintelligible words and walked away in a huff.

  “Well, you certainly told him.”

  “He was making me nuts sniffing around us like a bounty hunter on the scent of a big kill.” Emily chuckled. “The funny thing is, he was never going to catch us doing anything by being two feet from us all the time. What an idiot.”

  “I’m not sure he’s ever been talked to like that. When you shook your finger at him I thought he was going to pee his pants.” Emily reminded Hayden of her eighth grade teache
r who had an annoying habit of pointing at absolutely everything.

  They walked toward the exit doors and when they were alone in the corridor. Emily turned to Hayden. “Can he really report you?”

  “Yes, he can. Activity doesn’t have to be directly observed by a member of the military. Being reported is justification enough to begin an investigation.”

  Hayden didn’t need to define what “activity” was. There were many definitions: conduct unbecoming an officer, homosexual activity, inappropriate behavior, the list went on and on. What she did need to do was thank Emily again for speaking up.

  “But thanks, I appreciate it. I really put my foot in it, and that is something I’ve never done before.”

  Emily reached out and took Hayden’s hand. “There’s no need to thank me.”

  She was going to say something else but the thought drifted out of her head at the look of sheer desire in Hayden’s eyes. Her pulse raced and the echo in her ears was her own heart beating. Her breathing quickened when Hayden searched her face as if looking for the answer to an important question. Her stomach knotted in anticipation when Hayden’s gaze focused on her mouth. She drew closer.

  Hayden had never touched a woman romantically when she was in uniform and had always been on guard, not giving any hint of her sexual orientation, either. The Army frowned upon public displays of affection and she would be in more than her share of trouble if she were caught. But Emily’s hand felt good in hers, like it belonged there, public opinion be damned. She did nothing to break the contact. Holding hands with a woman in public was usually out of the question, except when she was someplace no one would know who she was. This was not that place. This was a place where everybody knew who she was, and all it would take would be one person opening the door they’d just exited and her life would never be the same.