by Rob Sperry
Likeability Rule #2: BE INTERESTED
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. — Dale Carnegie
Talk less and listen more. God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. People like people that take a genuine interest in them, and there is no way you can learn what you need to learn about a person if you aren’t asking questions and listening to what they say. Franklin Roosevelt, the thirty-second president of the United States, believed that most people were poor listeners, especially when it came to making small talk. Every so often, to prove his point and amuse himself, he would greet houseguests with, “I murdered my grandmother this morning.” The usual response was a puzzled, yet polite, nod of approval. The fact that the houseguests would respond with any nod of approval says a lot about most people’s lack of listening.
Learning to consciously and properly listen is a skill very few of us practice. Talk half as much as the other person you are having a conversation with. People LOVE to talk about themselves, so ask them specific questions. An example would be complimenting them on something they are wearing and then asking them about it. Relationships are about listening empathetically and not solving problems. Don’t interrupt. Give others your fully undivided attention. I could go on and on about this, but I’ll keep it simple. Talk less and listen more! One of the best ways to show someone respect is to simply listen. Great listeners are likeable. Masa Cemazar and Miguel Montero have made millions in the network marketing industry. Despite all of their experience, money and achievements what impressed me most is their ability to listen. The first time I met both Masa and Miguel, they constantly asked questions and were genuinely interested. Later that same day we went to lunch and they continued to ask questions listening attentively. It wasn’t until much later in the day I learned that they were making a million dollars a year. It was one of those moments where I realized I had done an incredible job talking about myself but not a very good job at asking questions. Listen attentively. Listen without the goal of responding or solving problems. Listen to understand the other person.
SINCERE COMPLIMENTS
Want to know a great way to get on someone’s good side? Give out compliments! Who doesn’t like compliments? Everyone loves receiving them. We all know that one person who is always complimentary. They make you feel good about yourself and you want to be around them more. For some people, compliments come naturally, but for most, they don’t. Practice giving three compliments a day to others. If you are feeling bold, go for ten compliments a day. As you get better at it, you will no longer have to think about it. It will become a habit that serves you well. The best part about complimenting others is that it will actually make you happier! The only other tip I would give you is to make sure that your compliments are sincere. Those who give sincere compliments often, are more likeable.
My good friend, Alexander Strate, who helped me write this book, is one of the best people I know at this. He is always smiling and giving out real, sincere compliments. I’ve seen him pull people away from a group, even just for a moment, to let them know that he appreciates them. This takes less than ten seconds, but I bet you the other person never forgets how Alexander made them feel. Most people never get compliments, so one of the easiest ways to connect with someone is to give a sincere compliment.
I talked to Alexander about how he is really good at giving compliments. His response? “Wow Rob, thank you so much, I appreciate you noticing, not many people would go out of their way to tell me that, I really appreciate that about you.” Even when he was saying thank you, he found a way to slide a compliment in because that is who he has become. He no longer has to think about it. Complimenting others is an automatic reaction for him. Alexander has that positive, contagious vibe, and it all starts with his smile and his compliments, usually without even noticing that he is doing it! I can guarantee you if you find ways to consciously give more compliments, it will start to improve the relationships around you and you will live a more positive lifestyle.
R EMEMBER THEIR NAME
Your name is the most important word in any language. Don’t forget a person’s name! Repeat it three times in your head. Associate it with something that will make it memorable. A common saying people like to use is “I’m just bad with names.” That is an excuse. What they are really saying is that they don’t care enough to remember, or that people are not important enough for them to remember their name.
It’s not easy to remember people’s names. I have met people who can memorize numerous names in a room without any issues, and I have met people who can’t remember a single name at all. If you have a hard time remembering names, make a conscious effort to remember just ONE person’s name! Look at Rebecca. Then in your head, say ‘Rebecca’ over and over again. Then sing it in your head by turning her name into a song. Use her name when you talk to her. Do whatever you have to do to remember it, and once you have one name down, then move on to the next one!
Remembering names when meeting people will take extra focus and listening skills. It will take sincerity. Remembering someone’s name can be a great way to make them feel important and relevant. If you make a genuine effort to remember someone’s name, I KNOW you can do it. I can promise you they will definitely like you more for simply remembering their name.
P UT YOUR PHONES AWAY
Wherever you are, be all there! — Jim Elliott
GUILTY! I’m not going to pretend to be the golden child here, I do this too! I am guilty, in comfortable friend settings, of having my phone out too much. I don’t do this as much in settings with those who I don’t know extremely well. My wife reminds me to get rid of my phone in social settings by simply giving me “the look.” The one where the eyebrows rise and she glances at the phone and then at me. Even though she looks so attractive when she gives me “the look,” I know better and put my phone away.
This principle applies to much more than phones. Be in the moment. If you are at church, be at church. If you are with your family, then be with your family. If you are at a funeral or wedding, then be there! Don’t be the annoying person who is always distracted. No one likes that person, no one respects that person, and no one listens to that person. There is a time and place to push your ideas or agenda. Your goal is to be present wherever you are and to become a professional at connecting with others.
Wherever you are, be ALL there! Put your cell phone away when you are in a meeting. If you have to check your phone, take the time and courtesy to tell the other individual why so that they know you respect and value them. Don’t be socially clueless! Texting or checking a phone a lot during a conversation is the ultimate slap in the face.
Here are some strategies to stay engaged in the moment rather than distracted by your phone. Remember to smile. I know I’ve mentioned that you should smile several times now, but it is Likability Rule #1 for a reason! Make good solid eye contact. In groups, don’t just talk to one person. Make sure you switch off making contact with the entire group. Remember many times the other people in the meeting have a ton of influence with the individual you are focusing on, so make everyone feel important. I know you may have one person that you are focusing on in a conversation, but by only looking at that person you will make the others feel unimportant.
Putting your phones away and learning to be in the moment will greatly increase your LIKEABILITY. Cell phones bring us much closer to those who are far from us, but they take us away from those who are sitting right next to us.
Likeability Rule #3: BE REAL
FIND COMMONALITIES
People like people who like them. Think about it. Is there anyone you like who hates you? People also like people who are like them. Finding commonalities will go a long way in establishing instantaneous Credibility with the other person. My friend and expert network marketer Rachael Davenport likes to call this the “Me Too” game. Expert networkers will keep askin
g questions until they find something that enables them to say “Me Too!”
If you are a Denver Broncos fan wearing a Broncos jersey in public, and you just so happen to run into someone else that is also wearing a Broncos jersey, the world freezes. You make eye contact with this person, and then they see you as well. As you walk by each other heading in opposite directions, you give that person the slightest of nods, which is reciprocated by a grin and a nod. You have no idea who that person is, or their background, and you’ll probably never see them again, but if you are a guy, you just established a bromance with a total stranger because of your mutual interest in the Broncos. (Note; many women are bigger football fans than men. This is just an analogy.)
Now, there are other ways to find commonalities besides just wearing sports jerseys in public. You may have the same taste in music, or love a certain restaurant, or there may be a common activity that you two could discuss and relate to. Whatever the case, do your best to instantly establish some commonalities and make that connection! Ask questions. Questions give the answers. Through questions you can find commonalities. Find some way to relate to others, and you will build both your trust and your Likeability factor.
SHOW EMPATHY
“YOU’RE FIRED!” Donald Trump made this phrase popular on his show “The Apprentice.” The phrase itself is a little harsh and was created to stir up ratings. There is a simple solution to giving others bad news or hearing bad news from others. Now, this simple solution would have made the ratings plummet on “The Apprentice,” but we don’t want to live in a reality TV show or game show, we want to avoid drama! This solution is so simple, yet if you apply it, you will instantly come across as more empathetic and be more likeable to those around you. It is something you can apply to your life right away and start generating stronger relationships almost instantly. Out of all the Likeability rules, I think that this one has to be the easiest to apply if you just do this one thing. Are you ready to hear what it is?
Whenever you are delivering bad news, just say “Sorry.” That’s all!
What if you aren’t sorry? Finds ways to be sorry. I’m sure if the relationship really means enough to you, you’ll find a way to make it happen. Even if someone has upset you or even if it is completely their fault, put yourself in their shoes. If it is something negative that will affect this individual and that sucks for them, you should feel some sort of empathy. No one should truly enjoy someone else’s pain, even if it is deserved.
When I get a text with a question that I have no clue how to answer, I always send out a simple text and follow it with, “I’m sorry.” If someone leaves your organization in network marketing and you couldn’t stand working with them, find a way to feel sorry. Maybe you feel sorry for the other person because they weren’t successful or you couldn’t connect with them better. Honestly, it doesn’t matter. Empathy is powerful and it goes a long way.
Just because I feel sorry for something or someone doesn’t mean that I change my decision. My main point is that it never hurts to be blunt in an empathetic way. If it can’t hurt, then why not practice being sorry and understanding. Understand where they are coming from and then do what you need to do. The excuse, “I am just blunt” is a justification that someone is either bad at communicating or simply doesn’t care enough. I am blunt, but I always do my best to understand their side. Be bluntly empathetic.
Empathy can be used in so many ways to have more influence. If you are dealing with people in any sort of a service industry, like airlines, hotels, or food industries, you know that these businesses deal with a lot of whiners. By simply being empathetic with them for being busy, for having a tough job, or anything like that, you will dramatically increase your chances of getting more of what you want. People are more inclined to help those who understand them than those who yell at them. Empathetic people are simply more likeable and likeable people tend to have things go their way.
If you still aren’t convinced, let’s look at a real-life example that we can all relate to. We all have a little road rage in us. If you don’t, then you aren’t human. Imagine you are in hurry, racing through town in your car, and all of the sudden someone pulls out in front of you. They cut you off big time and, to make matters worse, they don’t even try to make up for it by putting their foot on the pedal! At this point you probably have several choice words in mind or maybe even out loud for this individual. As you pull up next to them at a red light, they mouth to you how sorry they are over and over. You also notice they are a senior citizen that just didn’t see you. Their facial expression is sincere and you can tell they are actually sorry. Now you may still be bothered. You may still be mouthing a few choice words but more than likely you are instantly not as mad at this individual simply because they said they were sorry. You probably even wave back and mouth back ‘it’s ok.’
Rachel Jackson has built a great organization by maximizing her strengths. Rachel is great with people. She shines in one-on-one situations because she has mastered showing empathy for others. She mirrors how they are feeling. She understands where they are coming from. Then, she creates goals that are all about them and their current situation. She then shares all of her struggles in network marketing, but follows with many teaching lessons from those struggles. Rachel then casts a massive vision on how the struggles are part of the journey to success. Her balance of understanding others all while giving them unique perspective on success have helped propel her business. She does an incredible job of empowering everyone in her organization and does so by starting with strong empathy.
Learn to show empathy, even in the most difficult circumstances, and you will create a strong connection and increase your Likeability.
B E AUTHENTIC & GENUINE
John Huntsman Sr. gave up about $200 million because of a handshake! There are few people that have more integrity than John Huntsman. When he was in the early days of his business, he had to sell some of it to generate some cash flow. In one deal, he agreed to sell 40 percent of his company for $53 million. This deal experienced great delays between the handshake, the agreement, and when the deal was actually completed. During this delay, the company experienced a huge burst of growth. When the time came for the payment, that original 40 percent agreement was now worth about $250 million. Mr. Huntsman could have re-worked the deal in order to get $197 million more, since the handshake with his partner was not legally binding. Instead, he kept his word, and told his partner, “I shook your hand. I made an agreement. The price will be $53 million. That’s what we agreed to months ago.”
Mr. Huntsman could have thrown his integrity aside to get almost $200 million more, but his integrity with that handshake was worth more than that to him. Once your integrity is ruined, it is practically impossible to get back. While money is important, and it is hard to survive without it, your integrity is worth even more.
Your authenticity is your greatest weapon. Build trust and Credibility by communicating the truth. Do not exaggerate! The worst thing you can do is embellish and tell people what they want to hear rather than the truth. I don’t care if you do real estate, work for minimum wage, are in network marketing, or are unemployed, once your trust is gone, it is nearly impossible to gain it back. Network marketing is about building partnerships. You can only build partnerships through trust, and you can only build trust through honesty. ”If you don’t tell the truth, your downline may be friendly to you — but they probably won’t follow you.” said Tim Sales.
What good is a partnership if one of the partners is lying to the other? Whether it’s a blatant lie, or a slight exaggeration, a lie is a lie. I would much rather under-promise and over-deliver, rather than over-promise and under-deliver.
Network marketing has the potential to make all your wildest dreams come true, or it could do the exact opposite. One of my favorite topics is “Dreaming big versus managing expectations.” I had to learn through trial and error. When I first started in this industry, I was all about dreaming big; I fed
into the hype and I loved it. I fed into selling hype and seeing it as normal. The problem with selling hype is that everything is exaggerated so much that it doesn’t set the right expectations. It sets a warped sense of what the norm is. When your team goes through a trial or struggle they are often unprepared for it because they were only prepared for the best-case scenario.
After seeing the issues that came with pitching hype, I shifted to the opposite side; I gave everyone the cold hard facts of how hard this industry is without empowering them to be better. I wanted them to understand how hard this was going to be before they got started. By going the opposite way, I wasn’t seeing others for their best. I was seeing them all for just being average. I wasn’t being a good leader and wasn’t inspiring anyone to be the best version of themselves. Network marketing leader Brandon Hayes says it best, “Don’t look for average people. Average people do nothing. Don’t be average.”
As you can see, neither way worked. One was way too much hype, and the other was way too discouraging. I wasn’t seeing the best in people and letting them dream. I had to learn to merge the two sides together. I did that by simply giving both the dream along with the averages. This gave people the opportunity to dream big but also gave them a reality check in case they didn’t achieve those dreams.
Be an authentic person who isn’t afraid to show some weaknesses. To be likeable, you don’t need to be perfect. In fact, many will love you because of your imperfections because they will be able to relate better with you. I always make sure to share all of the weaknesses that I have overcome, with my audiences, as well as maybe something that I am working on. Be real! Authentic and genuine trustworthy people are likeable. “When you have the courage show people glimpses of your humanity; then what they get is you.” — Richard Bliss Brooke, author of the bestselling Network Marketing book The Four Year Career.®