Merit Badge Murder

by Leslie Langtry

I grumbled. "Not better. I'm either a traitor or a moron." Somewhere in the Black Box at Langley there was a file with my name on it. And it just got a little bigger. And not in a good way.

  Riley drained his glass and got to his feet. He seemed to be staring at my ginormous nose.

  "At any rate, I'm sticking around for a while. Just to make sure no more dead bodies show up around you."

  My heart skipped a little beat. He was staying? I guess I'd thought he'd be on the first plane to DC once the paperwork was done.

  "Lana explained Ahmed and Carlos," I said.

  He nodded. "Yes, but not about Midori. And there's no reason I can think of for the head of the Yakuza to show up dead in your kitchen."

  He had a point. "So you're staying?" I asked.

  "Yes, Wrath. I'm staying." He looked like he was going to say something more but changed his mind. Riley took a step closer to me.

  "I'd kiss you," he said softly. "But I'm not sure that's possible just yet." Then he took my hands in his and squeezed them before leaving my house. Yet? There was going to be a yet?

  That seemed pretty positive that another kiss was impending. I watched as the door swung shut. Was Riley really boyfriend-worthy? I'd have to think about that.

  I took a shower and changed into my Dora pajamas. I needed to get more grown up jammies. I wandered into the living room and looked at the Dora sheet. The long, muddy smear was still there. It made me think for a moment about Lana. It was really too bad she hated me. For a short time I'd actually thought we could be friends.

  Can't do anything about that, I thought. But I could do something about getting real curtains. When I talk to Kelly tomorrow, I'll have to ask her to help me measure. Maybe she'd go with me to the mall to get drapes and pj's. She was coming over to bring the Rice Krispies Treats. My stomach complained loudly.

  I found some bread and made a couple of pieces of toast. As I chewed it occurred to me that more had happened to me in the last few days than in the past year. And I'd liked it. I'd missed it. Going back into the CIA was a no-go. But maybe I could find something here to keep me occupied and give me that same buzz.

  Rex stopped by as I was cleaning up. He insisted that my part in all of this was pretty much over.

  "The CIA sent some serious guns to bail you out." He smiled.

  "Yeah," I said weakly. He looked so good in a suit. "I heard about that."

  Rex sat at the breakfast bar and looked at me in a strange way I couldn't dissect. "That was pretty awful, back at the school."

  I nodded. "You'll get no argument from me about that."

  "You did this kind of thing before? When you worked for the CIA?" He seemed puzzled.

  "I did. I spent most of my time gathering intel, but there was a lot of action too." Did he doubt me? What was I thinking? Of course he did. I would've if I were him. This whole screw up made me look like a terrible agent.

  "I was good at what I did, Rex," I said. "I know it doesn't seem like that now, but I was a damn good agent."

  He pointed at my nose. "That explains why you're not freaking out about that nose. Most women would've screamed the minute they got hit. But not you."

  I shook my head. "No. Not me." I thought about giving him a laundry list of my injuries and wounds over the years. But maybe I should save that for our first date.

  Rex got to his feet and came over to where I was standing. He reached out and lifted my chin, examining my face. "Not bad. I think you'll heal."

  Rex's eyes were really close to mine. We stared at each other for a moment before he let go and stepped back.

  In a dazed voice, I asked, "Did you get in trouble? For being part of it without authorization?"

  "No." He smiled. "Not much. It might actually work out. The Captain is trying to get some funding from the CIA. When I left it looked like it was a definite possibility."

  "They should," I said. "They've got deep pockets. I used to give my informants huge sums of money. The agency never batted an eyelash when I asked for it."

  Rex arched his right eyebrow. "You look like you want to ask me something."

  I nodded. I was worried about something. "Are you sure you won't get busted down to patrol? This wasn't exactly a good thing for you to be part of."

  "I won't get busted." Rex laughed. "I won't get promoted, but I won't get busted." He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. "SWAT's pretty pissed at me though."

  "Because you called them in?" I asked. I could still feel the warmth of his fingers on my cheek.

  He shook his head. "No. Because they didn't get to shoot anyone."

  "They could've shot Lana. I wouldn't have minded that very much." I smiled.

  "I'll keep that in mind next time I have you and them in an old elementary school gym, surrounded by seven-year-old girls."

  There's going to be a next time! Like a date, but with bad acoustics and guns. I didn't care if it included rutabagas and bat guano. Rex was imagining us in the future.

  "You know," he said slowly, "it's going to take a few days to get all of this sorted out. But when that's over, I was wondering if you'd still want to take me up on that dinner?"

  I smiled. "I'd love to."

  Rex opened the door and looked back at me. "Good." He winked at me just before he walked out.

  As I closed the door behind him, I leaned against it, the grin still on my face. Two men were interested in me. Two totally hot men. And even though I was out of commission with the CIA, I had a feeling that soon I'd be seeing some interesting action.

  * * * * *

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  * * * * *

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Leslie Langtry is the author of the Greatest Hits Mysteries series, Sex, Lies, & Family Vacations, The Hanging Tree Tales as Max Deimos, the Merry Wrath Mysteries, and several books she hasn't finished yet, because she's very lazy.

  Leslie loves puppies and cake (but she will not share her cake with puppies) and thinks praying mantids make everything better. She lives with her family and assorted animals in the Midwest, where she is currently working on her next book and trying to learn to play the ukulele.

  To learn more about Leslie, visit her online at: http://www.leslielangtry.com

  * * * * *

  BOOKS BY LESLIE LANGTRY

  Merry Wrath Mysteries

  Merit Badge Murder

  Greatest Hits Mysteries:

  'Scuse Me While I Kill This Guy

  Guns Will Keep Us Together

  Stand By Your Hitman

  I Shot You Babe

  Paradise By The Rifle Sights

  Snuff the Magic Dragon

  My Heroes Have Always Been Hitmen

  Four Killing Birds (a holiday short story)

  Other Works:

  Sex, Lies, & Family Vacations

  * * * * *

  SNEAK PEEK

  Of the first Greatest Hits Mystery by Leslie Langtry:

  'SCUSE ME WHILE I KILL THIS GUY

  CHAPTER ONE

  "On a large enough time line, the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero."

  ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

  No one really liked family reunions. I got that. But when I listened to people complain about it 'round the water cooler, I couldn't help rolling my eyes. I mean really, try it when you come from a family of assassins. Kind of gives "avoiding Aunt Jean's potato salad" a whole new meaning.

  That's right. Family of assassins. I came from a line of murderers dating back to ancient Greece. Mafia? Puhleeeese. Ninjas? Amateurs. Illuminati? How pedestrian. My ancestors had invented the garrote, ice pick, and arsenic. And Grandma Mary insisted that the wheel had actually been devised as a portable skull crusher. I'd tell you the names of some of our famous victims throughout history, but I'd had to sign a confidentiality clause in my own blood when I was five. So you'll just have to take my word for it.
>
  I turned the engraved invitation over in my hands and sighed. I hate these things. We only held them once every five years, but for some reason, this time, the reunion was only a year after the last one. That meant someone in the family had been naughty. That meant one of my relatives was going to die.

  As I stroked the creamy vellum paper, for a brief moment I thought about sending my regrets. But only for a moment. After all, it wasn't an option on the R.S.V.P. card. Unlike most family reunions with sack races, bad weather and crappy T-shirts, where to refuse to go only meant you weren't in the ridiculous all-family photo, to turn down this invitation was death. That's right. Death. Any blooded member of the family who didn't show was terminated.

  Now, where had I put that goddamned pen? I rattled through the "everything" drawer, looking for the onyx pen with the family crest engraved in gold on the side. It may sound pretty calloused to throw a centuries-old family heirloom in with tampons, fishing hooks, batteries, and ten-year-old packs of gum, but I didn't exactly have the usual family sense o' pride.

  I found it behind some broken cassette tapes and dusted it off. The coat-of-arms practically glowed on the cold, ebony surface. Crossed sabers entwined with an asp and topped off with a vial of poison. Lovely. Really sent that warm, homemade chicken-soup kind of feeling. And don't forget the family motto, carved in Greek on the side which translates as, Kill with no mercy, love with suspicion. Not exactly embroider-on-the-pillow material.

  The phone rang, causing me to jump. That's right. I was a jumpy assassin.

  "Ginny?" My mom's voice betrayed her urgency.

  "Hey, Mom. I got it," I responded wearily. Carolina Bombay was always convinced I would someday skip the reunion.

  "Don't use that tone with me, Virginia." Her voice was dead serious. "I just wanted to make sure."

  "Right. Like I'd miss this and run the risk of having my own mother hunt me down." For some reason, this would be a joke in other families. But in mine, when you strayed, your own family literally hunted you down.

  "You know it makes me nervous when you don't call the day you get the invitation," Mom said, whispering the words the invitation. It was a sacred thing, and to be honest, we were all more than a little terrified every time we received one. (Did you ever notice that the words sacred and scared differ only by switching two letters?)

  "I'm sorry," I continued lying to my mother. "I just popped the R.S.V.P. into the mailbox on the corner." And I would, too. No point taking any chances with my mail carrier losing it. That would be a stupid way to die.

  "Well, I'm calling your brother next. I swear, you kids do this just to torment me!" She hung up before I could say good bye.

  So, here I was, thirty-nine years old, single mother of a five-year-old daughter (widowed—by cancer, not by family) and still being treated like a child. Not that my childhood had been normal, by any means. You grew up pretty quick with the ritualistic blood-oath at five and your first professional kill by fifteen.

  To be fair, Mom had a right to be nervous. She watched her older sister, also named Virginia, get hunted down by Uncle Lou when she had failed to appear at the 1975 reunion. That really had to suck. I'd been named after her, which kind of jinxed me, I think.

  In case you hadn't noticed, my immediate family members were all named after U.S. states or cities (Lou was short for Louisiana, much to his dismay, and Grandma Mary was short for Maryland). It was a tradition that went back to our first ancestors, who thought it would be a cute idea to name their kids after locations, rather than actual names. My name was Virginia, but as a kid I went by Ginny. Of course, that had changed in college when everyone thought it was a real hoot to shorten my name to Gin. That's right. Gin Bombay. Yuck it up. I dare you.

  Bombay had been the last name of my family since the beginning. Women born into the family weren't allowed to change their names when they got married. In fact, the husband had to agree to change his name to Bombay. You could guess what happens if they refuse.

  Non-blooded Bombays were allowed to miss the reunion, as were children under the age of five. Bombays had to let their spouses in on the "family secret" by the time the first reunion in their marriage rolled around. It wasn't exactly pillow talk. And of course, you weren't allowed to leave the family once you know, or well, you knew what happened.

  Most of us didn't even tell our spouses until the first five-year reunion. I guess I'd been lucky, if you could actually call it that. My husband, Eddie, had died of brain cancer four years into our marriage. And even though I'd seen the lab results, I still eyed my cousins suspiciously. And while I'm fairly certain we haven't figured out a way to cause cancer, with my family, you never know.

  Roma, my daughter, had been born one month after Eddie died. I'd given her the traditional place name, but rebelled against the state thing. I called her Romi. I smiled, thinking about picking her up from kindergarten in a few hours. She was my whole life. All arms and legs, skinny as a stick, with straight, brown hair and big blue eyes, Romi had given me back my laughter when Ed passed.

  My heart sank with a cartoon boing when it hit my stomach. Romi was five. This would be her first reunion. She would have to be drawn into that nest of vipers that is the Bombay Family. Her training would begin immediately after. And in a couple of weeks, she'd go from playing with Bratz dolls, to "icing" them. Shit.

  CHAPTER TWO

  "We are all dead men on leave."

  ~Eugene Levine, comedian

  The doorbell rang and I automatically checked the monitor in the kitchen. Yes, I had surveillance monitors. Hello? Family hunts us down! Remember?

  "Hey, little brother." Despite my weary voice I gave Dakota a vigorous hug.

  "You alright?" he asked more with mischief than concern.

  "You're joking, right?" And I knew he was. Dak loved Romi almost as much as I did. He just found the whole family of assassins thing amusing most of the time.

  "Well, we went through it and survived. Besides, the training is pretty harmless for the first few years."

  "Harmless? That's an interesting way to describe turning your kindergartner into a cold-blooded killer."

  "Maybe you could write the guidebook! The Complete Idiot's Guide to Turning Your Kindergartner into an Assassin." Dak laughed in that easy way he had about him. Single and thirty-seven, he was handsome and funny. And I should mention that he was single by choice. Dak, like most of the people in my family, had "commitment issues." Personally, I thought they took the family motto a little too seriously.

  I rolled my eyes, "Yeah. That would work." Hey! Was he calling me a complete idiot?

  "Look, Ginny, it's not like you can refuse to go." He looked sideways at me. "You are going, right?"

  "Duh! Do you think I'm stupid? Like I'd let you raise and train Romi!"

  I loved my brother. We were close. We even collaborated on jobs. He had taken this whole Prizzi's Honor lifestyle in stride. After three millennia of contracted kills, the family was extremely wealthy, and we all lived off of huge trust funds. In the past seventy-five years, after some smart investing, no one has had to do more than one or two hits a year. So we all lived comfortably. And we got Blue Cross and dental.

  Dak eased back in the kitchen chair, rudely devouring my Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies. Bastard.

  "Look Ginny, it'll be fine. Romi can handle it."

  I shook my head. "That's not all I'm worried about."

  He stopped eating, and for a moment I thought I might have a few cookies left. "Oh. The other thing. What's up with that?"

  "I don't know. You hear anything?"

  Dak shook his head. "I heard Uncle Troy almost got busted in Malaysia last year. But he's on the Council, and they don't bust you for almost fucking up."

  I snatched the Milano bag from him. There was only one left. "Yeah, I haven't heard anything either."

  "I guess we just see who shows up and…" He gave a dramatic pause a la Christopher Walken, "…whoever doesn't." (Insert creepy, "dun, dun, dun,"
music here.)

  I looked at him, and not just as treacherous cookie thief. "How can you be so cold? We're talking about our family here!"

  "And there's nothing we can do about it until it happens. I just hope it isn't someone we like."

  Dak was right. If it had to be someone, I hoped it would be one of the more assholish relations. Everyone has someone like that in their family. Right? There are definitely some folks I wouldn't miss too much.

  I picked up my cup of coffee. "We didn't mess up in Chicago, did we?" My mind raced to remember the details.

  Dakota shook his head, but seemed disturbed. "No. It was a clean kill. Nice work, by the way."

  "Thanks." Our hit had been screwing so many married women that there were plenty of suspects in his death. Of course, we'd done such a good job, the police didn't even consider murder. I smiled, remembering painting the inside of the chain smoking son-of-a-bitch's condoms with pure nicotine (which of course, killed him). That was fun. Rolling each condom up and putting them in the bags so they didn't look "tampered with" on the other hand, was not.

  "Maybe it's nothing," I murmured. "Maybe they're going to give us an earlier retirement age." Who was I kidding? Bombays are allowed to retire at fifty-five, although most don't. I mean, Grandma's pushing eighty, and just last week she rubbed out a made man in the Sicilian mob. There's definitely something to be said for loving what you do.

  Dak laughed. Pushing a stray lock of sand-colored hair off his forehead, he replied, "Could be Uncle Lou has found a new poison."

  I perked up. Poison was my specialty. Everyone in the family had a favorite way of killing people, even though we were required to cross-train. With my brother, it was asphyxiation and/or strangulation. And while I should probably worry about that, it made us a good team because we both liked to make each job resemble death by natural cause. Of course, occasionally we ran out of time and had to leave the scene of the crime with a plastic bag still on the victim's head, but that happened only once when I'd been running late from picking up Romi from preschool. And Romi always came first. I had to have my priorities straight, after all.