Embittered Ruby

by Nicole O'Dell

“You think I should?” Carmen smirked and threw back the covers. “Is the bathroom open?”

  “Yep. But you’ve only got twelve minutes. I’d leave in ten. We’ll meet you down there.”

  Carmen padded across the empty room and used her ten minutes to wash her face and brush her teeth. A shower would have to wait. At least the place was all girls—no one to impress. Unless she counted Ben. Which she didn’t.

  The warm washcloth comforted her tired eyes. Carmen stared into the mirror. You can do this. Fake it till you make it.

  Dressed in Juicy sweats and ready to go, Carmen had two minutes to get down to the prayer room. She couldn’t be late. It wasn’t an option. That would be like thumbing her nose at the rules—Ben would not be happy with her, and he’d make a huge deal out of it. Carmen jogged down the stairs, taking them two at a time. She skidded to a stop just in time to enter the foyer before the grandfather clock began its countdown to six o’clock.

  Deep breath.

  Carmen smoothed her sweatshirt and entered the prayer room at the fifth gong.

  “Welcome, Carmen. We’re glad you could join us.” Ben smiled.

  “Was there ever a doubt?” Carmen looked around the room. What was she supposed to do? Join her roommates in their cluster? Or was she supposed to pray alone until she earned the right to commiserate with her buddies?

  Ben held out an arm and gestured to the room. “Feel free to find a quiet place by yourself or join a cluster. I want to encourage you, Carmen, to open your mind and heart. Let down your guard and see what happens. You never know what might happen. Be open to anything.”

  “I’ll try.” Yeah. Probably wasn’t going to happen. But she could pretend with the best of them. She selected a spot near the window depicting the Last Supper and huddled on a floor pillow. If she sat with others, they might pray out loud, or worse, expect her to.

  Carmen surveyed the space. How many of the girls were praying for real, and how many were totally blowing it off? Some had to be sleeping. That was actually a pretty good idea. But Ben would be watching her closely this first week. She should be on her best behavior.

  Here goes. Carmen closed her eyes. She opened one no more than a slit and saw that many people were speaking in whispers or at least moving their lips. Carmen’s mouth formed the words of a pretend prayer. “I pledge allegiance to the flag…”

  Prayer out of the way, now she had to deal with school. That would be interesting. How would classes work in a house with twenty-five girls? Carmen stood at her dresser and looked at her options. Stay in her sweats or actually put something decent on? At least jeans.

  Pulling on her favorite pair, Carmen strained to hear the conversation in the bathroom. Tricia spoke softly to Leila about how the day would go. Breakfast then straight to school. Carmen’s stomach rumbled at the thought of food. “You guys almost ready?”

  “Coming now.” Tricia came out of the bathroom looking like she’d been pulled off the pages of Cosmo. A gorgeous pumpkin-colored sweater fit snugly over a lace cami. The orange brought out the rich tones of her black skin. Her hair, usually straightened, had been left curly and wild.

  Carmen would have never thought that raspberry lipstick would look right with the sweater, but it was actually the perfect complement, and it showed off her bright smile. The dark jeans and camel boots finished off the perfect look. “Do you do this every day?” Carmen gestured at Tricia’s body.

  “This? You mean get dressed?”

  “Right. Next you’re going to say, ‘What, this old thing?’” Carmen laughed and turned to Leila. “You ready?”

  “Guess so.” Leila exhaled and slung her backpack over her shoulder.

  They paraded silently to the library, which was another room they’d skipped on the tour. One she’d been eager to see.

  They stepped inside to a world of books. The walls were lined with sagging shelves from floor to ceiling. Ladders hung on rails on each wall, giving access to the volumes above. A big picture window overlooked the pasture. Plush seats near the windows offered a comfy spot to curl up with a good book. Carmen could kill some hours in here for sure.

  “Have a seat, girls,” Tammy signed and spoke in her broken dialect. “Welcome to your first day of school here at Diamond Estates.”

  Wait. Was she deaf? “Thanks,” Carmen mumbled as she chose the seat beside Tricia and across from Kira at a table. They worked at tables? Carmen hadn’t done that since Mr. Wersal’s third-grade class. The fourth seat at the table remained empty. Where was Leila? Carmen craned her neck to look behind her. Oh, for Pete’s sake. Leila stood back by the window. What was she waiting for? A personal invite?

  Carmen motioned to the empty seat. Leila beamed and scurried to fill it.

  “Tricia, would you please show Carmen and Leila around the classroom and give them an overview on how we do our work?”

  Carmen stared at Tammy’s fingers as they flew in sign language. How could a deaf teacher work with twenty-four girls who didn’t know sign language? That would be interesting.

  “Happy to.” Tricia jumped up and crooked a finger. “C’mon with me.”

  They approached a countertop with bins labeled with the various subjects. Tricia slid the one marked MATH over to herself. “Here’s the way it works. You pull out the workbook that corresponds with your lesson plan—Tammy will help you figure out what that is.” Tricia flipped the book open. “You do the work then take the test. That’s it.”

  “What do you mean, ‘do the work’?” Carmen flipped through the pages.

  “Actually do the lessons in the workbook. That’s classwork.”

  “Where’s the test, and when is it?” Carmen hated tests, but she usually rocked them. At least it didn’t sound like there would be that much work involved.

  “You have to request it from that day’s teacher, and then you take it at your desk.”

  Sounded easy enough.

  Leila set her workbook down. “What if I need help with something?”

  “That’s what the teacher is here for. Some days it’s Donna, other days Tammy. If they don’t know the answer, they’ll know how to find out what it is.” Tricia smiled and waited. “No more questions?” She turned toward the front of the classroom. “Tammy? We’re ready for you to evaluate them for a starting point.”

  “Great. Come on over, girls. Have a seat at your table.” Tammy laid down two packets. “This is a standardized test. This isn’t scored for a grade—it’s only a placement test. Do the best you can, but don’t guess. We need to get an accurate assessment of your skills.”

  Like she knew she would, Carmen placed well above grade level. Kind of awkward to see that Leila, a year younger than Carmen, was about a year behind where she should be. How had that happened? She seemed smart enough. Though how could one really tell algebra skills or geography knowledge from friendly conversations? No one else really noticed though. And Carmen sure didn’t want to draw attention to it.

  As the day drew to a close, Carmen stretched her back and cracked her knuckles. She had to admit, schooling this way was pretty awesome. She got to work at her own pace and see immediate accomplishment. It was like the system was made for her. She worked through two entire workbooks that first day and passed the tests to move on to the next one. At that rate, she’d finish high school on schedule without a bit of trouble. Thank heaven for small favors.

  Tammy walked up to Carmen’s side. “Great job today.” She laid a memo on top of Carmen’s papers.

  Immediately following school, please report to Donna’s office for your first counseling session.

  Blessings, Ben

  Chapter 27

  Carmen peeked into the window that ran up the side of Donna’s office door. Was she in there? Oh, there she was. Kneeling at her chair. Was she praying? Probably for Carmen and their first counseling session. Or maybe there was something else that Donna needed to pray about. Was there a Mr. Donna? A boyfriend? An ex? Carmen would have to dig a little to find some details to a
dd to the mystery book she intended to compile as soon as she could get her hands on a notebook.

  “I’m here, Donna.”

  “Hey there.” She stood up from her crouch, her knees popping and cracking. “Feel like walking? I’m sick of being inside, and pretty soon the snow is going to start piling up—not like this inch or two we have now.”

  Fresh air sounded good—and a more casual counseling session even better. “Can I go get my coat?”

  “Yep. Meet me at the back door in five minutes. Okay?”

  Carmen scurried back to her room, found her winter coat and gloves in the pile on the floor of her closet, then reversed her path to go meet Donna.

  Of the three counselors at Diamond Estates, why had Ben assigned her to Donna? Maybe the choice was purely random, or maybe there was some reason that he expected them to relate well. If only she could figure that out so she could play into that a bit when they had this first meeting.

  Or she could try being herself. No lies. No pretenses.

  Nah.

  She huffed a steam patch on the back door and traced a heart through it. Nate. She’d tried to keep him from her thoughts since leaving home, but every once in a while she had an unsuccessful moment, and thoughts of him crept in. Where was he? What was he doing? Did he have a new girlfriend already? Did he hate Carmen?

  Carmen watched the horses run through the snowy pasture. Freedom.

  No matter how Nate felt about her, in a weird way Carmen felt bound to him. They created life together. Sure, the way Carmen had gone about it was treacherous. And yes, she deserved to be hated. But that didn’t change the fact that the life had existed. Their DNA was linked for eternity—if there was a God and a heaven.

  Carmen’s heart skipped a beat. Would she have to face her baby one day and explain what had happened? Tell her or him why they never met in this life? She hadn’t meant for the baby to die. But she had definitely made stupid choices that led up to the miscarriage.

  How about Nate? Would that mean they were linked in some weird way in heaven—if they both made it there. If it was real. If they were both married to other people, yet they shared a child, how would that work? She’d have to get some of those questions answered before she’d ever be able to believe in God again. Too many unknowns and impossibilities.

  “There you are.” Donna looked so cool in her purple ski jacket with the white cap pulled down over her head, her long blond hair escaping the bottom and flowing down her back. There had to be a Mr. Donna.

  “So, you married?” Nothing like subtleties.

  Donna coughed. “I…I was.”

  “What happened?” He must have died. No one would divorce Donna.

  “We’re divorced. Have been for three years.” Donna pulled on purple-and-white ski gloves and held the door open for Carmen.

  “Wow. That’s awful. Do you date?”

  Donna laughed. “You’re a sneaky one. Making this about me so the focus is off you? No. I don’t date at this time. Someday maybe, when I feel like God has released me from my commitment to my husband. But that time hasn’t come yet.” She faced up the mountain and began to walk.

  Oh, this was going to be a real walk? Like exercise and everything? Was Carmen’s body ready for that? She’d find out soon enough.

  “Now, how about you? Tell me about yourself. What do you love to do?”

  At least she hadn’t opened with the bad stuff. “I love to cook. I really, really love to make gourmet dishes and try out new things. I hope to go to culinary school one day.”

  “Oh? Well, in that case, we can be sure to give you the opportunity to practice. We like to encourage you all in your individual passions.” Donna stepped over a fallen log. “What else?”

  “I don’t really have any other hobbies.” Unless Carmen counted playing tennis, but she may never set foot on a court again. “Oh, well I do love to read, and lately I’ve been thinking that I might like to write, like maybe even a book someday.”

  “Very cool. What can we do to support you in that? You’ve seen the library, right?”

  “Yeah, it’s epic. I’ll be using it a lot, I’m sure. As for writing …I assume a laptop is out of the question?” Can’t blame a girl for trying.

  Donna laughed. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s outside the range of my genie abilities.”

  “Then how about a few blank notebooks?”

  “Now that I can do.” Donna’s eyes narrowed. “Tell me this, give me one or two words to describe what it is that has brought you to this place in your life. I don’t need the details of events yet, just want to know how you would see it.”

  One or two words to sum up all that she’d done? Carmen searched her mind. “Betrayal and extreme selfishness.”

  “On the part of others toward you?”

  “No. Me toward them.” Where was all this honesty coming from?

  “Them being…?”

  “Everyone.” Carmen hung her head as she trudged along the snowy path. What must Donna think of her?

  “You’re a pretty self-aware young lady.” Donna squinted against the sun.

  Carmen shrugged. “To be honest, I was afraid I was a sociopath. Did a little reading about it to see if I fit the description, but now I don’t think so. I mean, I have a lot of regrets, and I do care that I hurt people. But I can’t seem to stop.”

  “Well right there you know you’re not a sociopath.” Donna kept her tone casual as she lifted her face to the sun. “Hmm. Let me ask you this. The things you’ve done that have really hurt people you care about—you know, the biggies…”

  Carmen nodded. Those events were never far from her mind.

  “Is it more often that you’ve done them to achieve or gain something you want or more often to avoid some sort of pain or negativity in your life?”

  Good question. “I’m not sure. I might have to give that some thought. Can I ask you why that distinction is important? I mean, if someone else gets hurt, who cares what the reason was?”

  “One signals an inflated sense of self-worth. The other simply identifies a lack of faith in God to handle the tough parts of life.”

  Wow. That made perfect sense. Now Carmen had to figure out where she fell on that spectrum.

  “I tell you what. I’d like to explore those extremes a bit more. Let’s make that the subject of tomorrow’s session. Sound okay?”

  Carmen heard herself agreeing to ponder the ideas until they met again. How had Donna gotten into her head so easily? Carmen had thought she was smarter than that. Yet there she was. Affected.

  “Knock. Knock.” Why did people say they were knocking instead of just doing it? Annoying. Carmen laid her novel across her chest. “Come in.”

  Donna breezed into the room. “Hey. I have two quick things or so. One: here are some notebooks for you. Will these do?”

  Carmen reached a hand down to accept three spiral-bound books. “These are perfect.”

  “I also brought you this.” She handed up a faux leather satchel. “It locks with a combination right here. That way you can feel comfortable writing whatever your heart desires without fear of someone else reading it.”

  Unless they steal it and break it open. But it was better than nothing. “Thanks a lot, Donna. That’s awesome.” Wow. She was way cooler than Carmen had ever expected. “Thanks for remembering and getting this stuff so fast.”

  “The other thing is about the cooking. You know we’re hosting a wedding here in two weeks, right?”

  Carmen nodded. Where was this going?

  “How would you like to handle all of the appetizers yourself?”

  She has got to be kidding. It was a dream come true. “You mean I can create and choose the selections and cook them?”

  “That’s exactly what I mean. We’ll need a grocery list from you so we can make sure we have everything you need. There will be around one hundred guests plus all of us. It’s a week before Christmas, so it’s a holiday-themed wedding. Mark and Ginny need you to keep your b
udget for the appetizers around five hundred dollars. Can it be done?”

  Carmen jumped to the floor. “You’re telling me that I get to create an hors d’oeuvres menu for one hundred and forty people with a budget of five hundred bucks—no restraints at all?” She couldn’t be serious.

  “You mean you want to do it?”

  “Of course.” Carmen grabbed one of her notebooks from her bed and sat hard on the desk chair. “I’m going to get started right away. This is going to be awesome.”

  Donna grinned and moved toward the door. “Have fun with it. Just remember not to stay up too late. You don’t want to miss prayer time.”

  Carmen looked up from her paper. “Hey Donna, thanks.”

  Hand on the door frame, Donna winked. “You bet.”

  Dear Nellie,

  I’m back! I have so much to tell you. First of all, you should see this place. It’s like a horror movie set. I’ve gotten myself in a little trouble exploring, but nothing major.

  Ben Bradley. He’s a piece of work. I think he means well, but he’s so intense all the time. He needs to lighten up and have a little fun. Turns out he got his girlfriend pregnant when they were in high school. They’re still married, though. That should have been me and Nate. They never had any more kids, and from the look on Ben’s face when I asked, there’s a story there. I wonder if his wife was never able. Maybe that’s why they do this Diamond Estates stuff.

  Justin—He is so hot. Nuff said.

  Olivia—doesn’t deserve him.

  Leila—she’s got issues. I wish she’d just get a little more confident. It’s annoying to have to drag her everywhere like a little child. And her last name is Wong. She must be adopted by that perfect family in the picture. How must she feel to be an oddball among such perfection?

  Tammy is deaf? How’d that happen?

  Donna—she’s pretty cool. But what’s the story about her divorce?

  Oh, Nellie…we’ve got so much to talk about now.

  Love,

  Carmen

  Now that was a getup Carmen had never seen before. Leila stood in front of the bathroom mirror with a towel wrapped around her lower half, held by a clip since the ends barely met, and a Vail sweatshirt on top. “Aren’t you hot? It’s steamy in here.”