Rent Boy

by James Anthony Ford

  Since the reunion between Will and I our friendship grew and blossomed. We saw each other even more regularly then when we were lovers by going out to dinner, going to the movies, theatres and stuff. We became great buddies so to speak. I think Will understood that I only wanted to be friends and got over it but I also knew that he did not want to lose me either. So only ‘friends’ it had to be and he had to accept it or leave it.

  Life by this stage was quite good. I felt fit and healthy but I noticed I was getting periods of deep sadness for a few hours at a time but then I would be fine again. I didn’t think anything of it. I just thought it was only a result of all the recreational drugs I took in the past. They were just like mood swings. Occasionally I would get in the mood for a party, but definitely not as much as I did in the past. One night Matthew and Warren, you know, the swinging couple who likes a threesome, asked me to come to a sex party held in some warehouse in Collingwood. I was very apprehensive but thought why not. Just because I was HIV positive does not mean I have to sacrifice fun. But I was sure I would not put anyone at risk so I took plenty of condoms.

  The night of the party was exactly how it was described, a sex fest. It was full-on dirty sex and the majority of the guys were quite hot but I felt quite taken by Matthew, once again. He knew I liked him more than his partner. I think he liked me a lot too but the only bad thing about him was his arrogant attitude. I knew I would not fall in love with him due to his personality but I found him oh, so very hot! During that party, Matthew and I would sneak out to some back room and just have sex one on one. Warren found out and was not happy about it. I don’t blame him. I think I had started a domestic but that’s Matthews fault for being so hot. Anyway, I was very cautious about using condoms and made sure I did not put anyone at risk and I didn’t. I am sure there were other HIV positive guys there but it didn’t matter as everyone was having safe sex anyway. It was dirty hot sex but still very safe. But then this happened. Matthew spoke.

  “By the way Jay, I’m poz…..HIV, I mean”

  There were quite a few moments when I would think about Steve and what he is up to. But there was a new problem. Matthew. He started to call me. A lot. He wanted us to secretly meet up for a ‘session’. I just didn’t think this was right as this was in fact cheating against his husband, Warren. I did not want to be the ‘other woman’. But what the hell! I was. I would meet Matthew on a regular basis and have hot sex and every time we had sex it was even hotter than the last time. It never grew old or tiring or boring. That was the thing about it. But it was lacking what Steve offered, tenderness and real down to earth masculinity. Not that it girly, it was very hot and rough and edgy, it was just hard sex really, that’s the only way I can describe it. I would tell Will about my liaisons with Matthew and I can tell that Will was getting upset. He would get a bit angry and say “Why are you telling me this, I don’t need to know!”. I knew he was getting jealous so I just didn’t talk about him anymore.

  It has been about six years now that I had been working for the bank and I had just received a promotion into their lending department. It was a very reputable position and the rewards were there if you wanted to succeed. It was a demanding job but i like it and I was good at it. The majority of my friends thought that it was a ‘nerdy’ job but Will thought it was great. It was Will’s opinions that mattered more to me then my other ‘so called’ pretentious friends. I would have to say though that life at that stage was pretty good. I was not on any HIV medication quite simply because I was so healthy and my t-cells and viral load results were excellent. I also felt stable and secure. I had a good secure job with excellent prospects. In fact, I could see a future. I also continued with karate classes along with my gym routines. The only problem is that quite often I would break a finger, pull some back muscles and some other injuries as a result of karate practice. But I don’t think I ever thought about my HIV status. The only time I thought about it was when I had sex cause that’s where I took precautions and made sure I wore condoms. But apart from that I think I almost forgot about my HIV. I didn’t even bother to get my t-cells and viral load tested every three months like you were supposed to. But that was the beginning of a problem that was brewing. Not the HIV, it was something else. There was something psychological going on that I was not aware about at this stage. When I got injuries from karate practice I would be prescribed strong painkillers called Tramadol and Valium for the muscle spasms. The injuries were getting quite frequent as I was training pretty hard, so then of course, I would go on the painkillers and Valium again. Then there was a pattern starting. A pattern of popping pills like vitamins. I didn’t see this as a problem at this stage. But I knew I needed them to cope with the pain. My doctor was strict about prescribing them though but he knew I would not abuse them. I told myself not to abuse them. But I loved them. They made me feel good. So I continued to take them just like when you get home from work and have a relaxing drink. Instead I would pop a tramadol and Valium. I didn’t think anything wrong with this. It was not like I was taking them every day, it was like once every few days and only the minimum dose, I never did more than I should. I was sensible but I enjoyed them and they made me feel good and confident. They were legal drugs though so I was not doing anything wrong and they were prescribed. I was also not taking recreational drugs anymore, I was over that kind of behaviour. That was all in the past now. But I was not abusing the Tramadol or Valium but I never told anyone I took them, not even Will. But this was the start of something we will discover later.

  There was one day at work when Will rang me spontaneously. “What time do you have lunch?” Will asked me in a bit of a nervous tone. “Uh, about 3 o’clock today, I’m doing the late shift until 8 tonight” I replied. “Can we meet for lunch today? I have to talk to you about something” He said with a sense of urgency. “Okay” I said apprehensively. “I’ll meet you outside your building” he said and then he hung up immediately. Whatever it was, it sounded serious, I was thinking. I sat there for a while hoping that everything was okay and not to worry as I never heard Will speak like this before. It was kind of unnerving but I just thought it must be something minor and carried on with my work until 3 o’clock.

  So 3 ‘o clock arrived and I made my way to front of my office building and saw Will pacing back and forth in a nervous sort of walk. He looked stressed about something but when he saw me he looked suddenly relieved. Before I even got a chance to say where do you want to have lunch? He said “Let’s just go down to corner cafe, we don’t need anywhere special” I just went along with it.

  So we arrive at some ordinary type of cafe, not the sort of thing that Will and I are used to but whatever was on his mind overrides that superficiality. “So what’s up” I said joyfully. “Umm, maybe we should order first” Will replied apprehensively. I ordered a foccacia and chinotto and Will just wanted a coffee, nothing else. “Whatever it is, it sounds serious as you’re not eating” I said with a slight tone of sarcasm. He just sat there staring at the table in front of him and sat in a kind of frozen stature with his shoulder hunched together. I was waiting for an answer. Then he gave a sort of sigh, looked at me and said “Okay, I can’t help it, but.....but....I think I’m falling in love with you, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, there I said it...!” I did not see that one coming however I was sort of not surprised either. I had to think for a moment for what I wanted to say to him. I know he was wanting me to return his feelings. But I couldn’t. I didn’t feel that way about him. “Will, you know I love you, but I’m not in love with you, I really just want us to be friends” I said with sincerity. “I know, I know, but I can’t deny how I feel and I just had to tell you” he said as if he was about to break into tears. I must admit, I really wanted to return his same feelings, I really did. But love is such a strong feeling, and falling in love is a complete and utter depth of love that no one really can explain. I just didn’t share that same love. I loved him like a buddy, not a lover. “I’m sorry Will, I just want to be f
riends” I said softly. He nodded his head and said “I knew you would say that, but you had to know how I feel, but I don’t want to lose your friendship either” he said. Will and I from that moment on became best friends. Even though he still felt a deeper side, we still remained buddies. That’s what we will always be. But the past history of Will and I being lovers has not gone forgotten. It will always be in our hearts. But he is my friend and we are friends forever.

  ............................................................................

  During the following year Will and I had very much a ‘best buddy’ friendship and I think this ‘falling in love’ with me thing was wearing off, thank god. But the relationship between Matthew and myself was still as sexually physical as ever. It was a love hate relationship with Matthew. I found him incredibly sexually attractive but hated his personality. I also found that the more sex Matthew and I had the more physically attracted I was to him. I wouldn’t speak to Will about Mathew because every time I did he displayed some jealous response. But I was starting to feel al lot more with Matthew and the bad part was the fact that the relationship was now only Matthew and I, not the threesome’s with his partners, which how it initiated. I was the ‘other woman’ and I didn’t like it. Soon I started to receive death threats in the mail sent by anonymous people. I knew it was Warren, Matthews’s partner. They notes telling me to stay away from Matthew and so on. It even got to the point that one day Warren threw a rock at my lounge room window and then he ran away. When it happened it frightening the life out of me. He threw it so hard that it actually sounded like a gunshot. So I called the police. I also called Will and told him what happened. I was scared out of my wits and began sobbing. Will, being the caring friends as he is, came straight away to my home and comforted me until the police arrived. Of course later they discovered it was a rock, not a gunshot. But even so, I knew I was heading into trouble with Matthew.

  I had to get away from Matthew. I also missed Steve greatly and I was hoping that he would forgive me for the ignorance I gave him, so I called him. He was rapt. He asked me to come up to Cairns again. So there goes another few thousand off the credit card to pay for the airfare and hotels.

  A couple of months later I went to Cairns. I was so excited to see the man of my dreams again. I pretty much wiped Matthew out of my mind, which was the idea, I wanted Matthew out of my life. Steve said that he would meet me at the Hilton Cairns in my hotel room shortly after I arrive. Not that I expected him to pick me up from the hotel, I just thought that was a bit unusual. Perhaps maybe he has changed his mind about me and was not attracted to me anymore. I began to picture the worst. He has a partner. Or he has gone straight. Or even worse, he was not interested in me anymore. I began to feel sick. Because I began to feel so bad it occurred to me that my feelings for Steve have much more significance than the other guys, or ‘fuck buddy’s’ I should call them.

  I arrive at the Hilton Cairns, get to reception and was welcomed with a ‘Oh Mr Andrews, we have been expecting you, we are also upgrading you to our premier penthouse suite”. “Yeah, umm, why?” I asked with a confused look on my face. The reception girl just smiled and said “Well, it is a gift, that’s all I can say” I didn’t question it. I just took the upgrade, why wouldn’t you anyway, you just take it. So I was given my room key and headed to the top floor. Once I reach the floor I was looking was the number of my hotel room and came across it. There it was. It was not one door but it looked like two doors as part of the one entrance to my room. I knew this room was going to be big and didn’t waste time to get inside. When I got inside my jaw dropped. It was spectacular and the most amazing panoramic views of Cairns harbour and surrounding rainforest. This was not a hotel room, this was a house! This was something out of ‘lifestyles of the rich and famous’. I couldn’t believe little ol’ me upgraded to this. But then something on the coffee table caught my eye. It was a massive bunch of red roses and underneath the vase was an envelope with ‘James’ written on it. Without delay I opened it. It said:

  “Jay, I hope you like the room, because I like it, and I was hoping we could enjoy it together for a little while. By the way, the roses remind me of you, sweet and red hot, I missed you so much, can’t wait to see you baby”.......Stefan.

  I was flattered beyond belief. I felt a rush of instant pure love and passion for this guy that I was craving to see to him as soon as possible. Then just as if he had read my mind, he knocked on the door. I opened the door and there he was. Standing there all muscle and masculine looking with his khaki shirt and khaki tight little shorts, black leather boots. I could smell his testosterone from a mile away and it drove me wild. He didn’t say anything for those few seconds he smiled at me. Then suddenly we both grabbed each other in our arms and squeezed each other like we hadn’t seen each other for years. We both started to cry. Then he kissed the side of my neck whilst squeezing me as hard as he could “Why did you not call, why, why did you not call me, I missed you so much, It was driving me crazy”. “I’m so sorry baby, I can’t explain it, I was just going through some issues, but I’m here now and I will never leave you”. I said as I was sobbing. We were both so happy to be in each others arms again. This scene reminded me a lot of that scene in Brokeback Mountain when the two cowboys reunited. It was the same amount of passion felt. I knew I was in love and so was Steve, or Stefan, in Swedish.

  The next two weeks Steve and I spent most days together even though he still went to work in the cane fields during the day and then he would join me later in the afternoon. He said he had given up the white water rafting job as chopping sugar cane was taking its toll, it was hard work. We spent a week in Port Douglas as well and all I could say about this trip was it was just as blissful and beautiful as my man himself.

  When it was time to return to Melbourne both Steve and I knew we would see each other again, in fact he wanted to come down to Melbourne in a few weeks. So our farewell was not with sadness. We were together and nothing was going to come between us. So I returned home feeling on top of the world and in love. I now came to a realisation that there were two special people in my life that mattered the most but one that interrupted it. They were Steve and Will but Matthew was the interruption. But Steve and Will, they were and always will be my special two.

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  Chapter fourteen........Personality Killed the Cat

  Months roll on and other people had been telling me that my personality had been changing. Quite often I would get comments about how moody I was. I didn’t understand it as I really did not have any reason to be moody. I had a good job, was earning money, I was not being chased by creditors, well not yet anyway, and I was in love with Steve. There was no reason for me to be angry or anything really. So perhaps I was acting in a way that only others could see. Although the distance between Steve and I was an issue with wanting to be together we always kept in contact. I did at times feel as though I was kidding myself by trying to have a long distance relationship. I think that was what was bothering me. Well, actually, it was probably the fact that I had a duty to be faithful to Steve and not have sex with other guys. I would lying to you if I said that I didn’t have sex with anyone else so I think I will leave that subject the way it is. I think you get the picture. We all do things we regret sometimes.

  I was still practicing my karate and getting quite good at it but I was actually trying to deliberately get injuries on purpose in order to get prescribed Tramadol and Valium. I went from doctor to doctor trying to drugs and succeeded. I didn’t realise it at the time but I didn’t realise I was heading for trouble.

  Life was still pretty good at this stage. Well so I felt. I didn’t really think much about my HIV as was so fit and healthy. I found that every time I thought about my HIV status I would feel sad and depressed. So I decided not to think about it. I think I was living in denial. Still. I did however started to think
irrational thoughts and thought I had to overcome this. I did this by going back out into the club scene again. I thought that perhaps if I start partying again, then my life would be more cheerful. But I was really quite over the raves and dance parties. I would only go to the recovery parties. So I slept on a Saturday night and got up at 3 am, popped a pill, and partied until 12 pm or so on Sunday. It did actually send my spirits back up. The only catch was the coming down part mid-week. But the comedowns, which was something I was used to from my partying days, were a lot more badly then they used to be. This was not normal. There were times I actually contemplated suicide but never actually had the guts to take my own life. I never told anyone about this. I just thought this was an irrational thought as a result of too many recreational drugs and dismissed it. I didn’t think I was brewing a psychological problem.

  Then out of the blue and so spontaneously Will surprised me with an announcement. He got a job in London working for a university doing some lecturing or something. It was going to be a long term assignment. In fact three years or so. I had to put on a brave face but the fact of living without Will for a while made me feel uneasy. I showed my congratulations and joy for him even though I felt like I was about to lose my closest friend. He was the only one I truly trusted. He was my everything. What was I going to do now? Who was I going to confide to now? I felt lonely. When he left for London, the feeling of loneliness et in like being hit with a ton of bricks. I was on my own. I had no one. My special men in my life were all away from me. Will in London and Steve in Cairns. I began to felt trapped and hopeless and thought why even bother with anything anymore. Even though I still had the love of my mum, even she was living in Brisbane. I appeared that all the important people in my life were away from me. I began to feel as though I was scaring people away from me. Then I started to think irrational thoughts again. They grew and grew each day and I could not help but to feel negative about myself. My self-confidence plummeted. I was getting older, wiser, but at the same time, I felt like I had wasted my life with all that indulgence of parties and drugs and copious amounts of meaningless sex that also always resulted in the bloody crabs! Why bother with anything really. So my escape from all these negative thoughts was when the painkillers and Valium came in. It seemed to make me feel better and more confident. I found myself taking the pills daily to just feel normal and nobody suspected a thing about my pill popping behaviour and that’s the way I wanted to keep it. I needed the painkillers and Valium, it was necessary to deal with life at that stage.